Quit methadone - daily progress thread

[Ftmill]

After a handful of random posts here, it was suggested I start a progress thread.  I don't want to steal anyone's thunder but maybe this can help others - including hopefully myself.  ;)

Long story short - kidney stones - vicodin - dumb decision to go to methadone clinic - 90mg for last 5 years or so.   48 year old male.   Oh, and I quit drinking at 21 after 3 three years of collegiate alcoholism...

The first week wasn't not that bad.   I did check myself into a detox, however didn't use the medication except valium a few nights.   I was with about 25 other high/higher dose methadone patients.   I am now 100% convinced there is a stigma of methadone w/d the festers in the minds of addicts.   Most of us have never stopped methadone.  It's a complete unknown other than 'rumors' and 'line talk'.   I was terrified of the unknown, so was everyone else I was with...  That PURE fear leads to what?!?  ** ANXIETY **  which then manifests itself in physical forms i.e. cravings, nausea, etc.   It is a vicious cycle.  There are true physical issues, however, I'd see a man at day 5-6 off 280mgs absolutely losing it - only to be perfectly fine for HOURS after simply chatting with others (staff, patients, etc.)   Could I have done that first 10 days without detox?  Looking back now absolutely, however at the time I personally needed that ONE FIRST STEP.   A commitment that, at least for that day, I'd be clean.  The last 5 weeks have not been easy - week two and three were a breeze - the last 2 have been challenging but I'm still clean.

Day 39   Stayed up an hour later hoping to sleep in - didn't work - bed at 12 and up at 5.   Tossed and turned as usual throughout the night.   Went to breakfast (something I NEVER used to do) and here I sit.  When I think about the energy crash I know is coming I get anxious.   It's hard to tell between anxiety and cravings.  I called the detox yesterday to ask about energy to which I was told, "yea, we took away your super powers"   Laughingly I agreed.  

[JunkyDave]

Keep on posting Kev. Post like someone's life in the future depends on it because it probably does. Dig deep and be honest. The thing that paralyzed me the most about methadone W/D was fear of the unknown. Let your honest and truthful journey be a light to those searching for the truth. Knowledge IS power.

KEEP POSTING.
       Peace,
            Dave

[Ftmill]

Day "finally losing track". ;).    Thanks everyone... No I didn't taper (unless you call 2mg per day for 2 days a taper Laugh out loud!).  So I jumped.   Methadone w/d for ME has been so weird.   Like right now I'm sitting in a hotel in Louisville, KY feeling like an absolute rock star...  the physical was never that acute - uncomfortable at times and sucky -- but doable most certainly.  Sleep is tough very tough...   I called the m clinic yesterday before I left asking for my labs/medical records which they would NOT release to me.   They said substance abuse  doesn't fall under the HIPPA laws -- whatever – I went ahead and burned the bridge with a few choice words.    I don't know if it was the healthiest thing in the world but it sure felt good at the time.    I wanted to pull that last piece of metaphorical splinter.    Going to do more physical exercise today then I've done in years...  wish me luck!!    My son told me yesterday that you don't have to push yourself....  I'm pushing on harder than ever..  ;).  

[10356]

Sleep was really difficult for me also. Glad you got that off your chest Ftmill It does wonders for the phyci lol Pushing yourself physically is actually a good thing in md wd as it is the only thing that has tangible benefits in helping with everything! You are a Beast Ftmill you really are! Proud and Happy for you! Freeeedom!!! lesa

[Ftmill]

Day 49 -  i've been awake since 3 AM – this is getting really really old.   You can only listen to so much music and watch so much TV.    I passed a small kidney stone ia few hours ago which is how this whole thing started in the first place .    Extremely nervous as that usually leads to an attack of larger stones.   Narcotics were always the only relief whether at home or in the emergency room.   Scared as hell.    Took the family to an amusement park and I'm wondering if the rollercoasters jarred them loose yesterday...  

[JunkyDave]

A man passing a moderate kidney stone is the "Feels like" equivalent of  giving birth to a beach ball. I've been there  (passing the K.stone that is..)
Azo standard saved me.
Stay strong and keep trucking. Life on life's terms, even when it sucks.
Peace,
     Dave

[Ftmill]

Thanks Dave -- some days you just gotta get to bedtime.   I was just bragging to someone how my anxiety/cravings are gone and then this afternoon came.  Wow.  Minute by minute right now.  I'll live.

[JunkyDave]

Yeah, I've declared myself "over" this withdrawal a few times already only to get reality checked soon  afterwards.
Keep on trucking. No going back now..

[Ftmill]

Day 50 -  I made it through yesterday.   I wish I felt better about my successes,  it seems I'm focusing on what I can't do  rather than what I can.    Sometimes I hope that when I have a bad day/moment it is the withdrawals "last stand".    It's fun to daydream :-)

As countless posts concur, energy/motivation has been my largest challenge.    I believe my anxiety issues yesterday were because I forgot my blood pressure pill as once I took it I was fine a half hour later.   That's a plus.  Hang in there everyone...

[JunkyDave]

We all suffer from L.S.S. in our early recovery from methadone (lead suit syndrome). But it gets better and recovery starts picking up some steam. I too have fantasized that surely my latest bout of W/D was the beasts "Last stand"
But the beast is both durable and clever and we are fighting it in our very weakened state.

I started having some  anxiety about the low points coming back again and again. It's The same type of anxiety you feel the first 20 ft inside of a haunted house when you're sure something's about to happen but it hasn't happened yet. I got to where sometimes I didn't want to take another step forward. But finally I said, it is what it is and whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I refuse to be intimidated by a fear of the unknown. I'm choosing to remain unafraid.
Bring on the Boogie-man.
Let's Dance..

[Ftmill]

Day 51 -  Thanks so much for the support and strength Junk...  I needed it today as anxiety in full blazing force.  It's been starting after lunch and lasts 3-4 hours.   Never been THIS bad.   Literally physically hurts in my chest.    I can't tell a lie, thoughts have crossed my mind of giving up.  They are fleeting and quick but there nonetheless.    I'm just tired of not being honest so there you have it.   Starting to isolate too which I know isn't good.   I've put my wife through so much I just don't want her hearing/seeing me.   To all this may depress, I'm clean this second - only 27,180 more to day 52

[10356]

The anxiety it is so damn difficult. I think that was the second hardest thing for me I do know of the chest hurting and shaking on the insides while the outside was shaking at a different pace. While it is happening it is just frightening and exhausting, anything can bring it on! I use to walk in my backyard to calm it just walk in circles. This passes it is a phase of wd is all Just keep telling yourself that it is the drugs leaving your brain it will pass it is only temporary I think the lack of sleep adds to it. It is easy to become discouraged as Methadone wd is so long it really is Brutal and you are coming off so much but you are 51 days into almost 2 months 2/3 the way thru!! it may take 6 months but once you hit that 3mo you know you hit a Big milestone at least you will start to notice a difference! You stay connected here and to your wife and children Ftmill. If you are going to meetings hit one up twice in a day if you are feeling down.. Outside does wonders for me I forced a walk everyday well almost everyday with my dogs It helped tremendously! You are a Beast a Warrior You got this!!