Quit methadone - daily progress thread

[Ftmill]

After a handful of random posts here, it was suggested I start a progress thread.  I don't want to steal anyone's thunder but maybe this can help others - including hopefully myself.  ;)

Long story short - kidney stones - vicodin - dumb decision to go to methadone clinic - 90mg for last 5 years or so.   48 year old male.   Oh, and I quit drinking at 21 after 3 three years of collegiate alcoholism...

The first week wasn't not that bad.   I did check myself into a detox, however didn't use the medication except valium a few nights.   I was with about 25 other high/higher dose methadone patients.   I am now 100% convinced there is a stigma of methadone w/d the festers in the minds of addicts.   Most of us have never stopped methadone.  It's a complete unknown other than 'rumors' and 'line talk'.   I was terrified of the unknown, so was everyone else I was with...  That PURE fear leads to what?!?  ** ANXIETY **  which then manifests itself in physical forms i.e. cravings, nausea, etc.   It is a vicious cycle.  There are true physical issues, however, I'd see a man at day 5-6 off 280mgs absolutely losing it - only to be perfectly fine for HOURS after simply chatting with others (staff, patients, etc.)   Could I have done that first 10 days without detox?  Looking back now absolutely, however at the time I personally needed that ONE FIRST STEP.   A commitment that, at least for that day, I'd be clean.  The last 5 weeks have not been easy - week two and three were a breeze - the last 2 have been challenging but I'm still clean.

Day 39   Stayed up an hour later hoping to sleep in - didn't work - bed at 12 and up at 5.   Tossed and turned as usual throughout the night.   Went to breakfast (something I NEVER used to do) and here I sit.  When I think about the energy crash I know is coming I get anxious.   It's hard to tell between anxiety and cravings.  I called the detox yesterday to ask about energy to which I was told, "yea, we took away your super powers"   Laughingly I agreed.  

[10356]

Day 60 Ftmill!! Congratulations!! warmly lesa

[JunkyDave]

YES!!!
The big 6-0.
We may still feel rough but those liquid handcuffs aren't nearly as tight..
CONGRATS,
       -DAVE

[Ftmill]

Day 42  Am I allowed to say THIS SUCKS?!?  Gosh 6 weeks in - watery eyes, sneezing 30 times a day but over all I'm angry.   Anger towards everything it seems.   Got my first CC of testosterone this morning, thought my family doc would be more supportive.  He's cool and all but I guess I wanted more, "HEY GREAT JOB!!!"  I've been taking valerian root and kava per suggestion but now just read it causes drowsiness.  Hmmm...  don't know anymore.   Lower back and thighs super sore too which never used to happen.  Oh well.  No option at this point, onward bound.  

[10356]

I agree Methadone wd sucks!!!! I too went thru a faze where I was just over the top angry anxious tired.. Oh my was I not pleasant to be around for a couple of weeks! Thank Goodness that went by the wayside. You are doing Great Ftmill! I mean really Jumping from 90mgs It must have taken the wd to really start in earnest awhile. What you are feeling now is the parting of a 90mg habit that you had for a few years so yeah it will hurt. warm baths in Epsons salt our showers will help with the muscle pain as will a heating pad a hot water bottle Anything warm.. I do not recommend taking anything except aspirin our whatever your preference as Valerian root is like a Valium mix that with how you are feeling you end up feeling worse. this wd is so freaking long anything that makes you feel worse is not worth putting in your body.. walking is the only thing I know that helps with everything movement forced but movement.. I'm glad to read you are strong as this will take you thru. You got this Ftmill you are tougher then this drug any day!! lesa

[Ftmill]

Day Eight months and few days -  Still kicking.  Life is slowly coming back.  Things have leveled out now.  I’ll take it.  It’s still not always easy and I wonder sometimes if I’ll EVER get back to pre-methadone happiness but I believe I will.   I wonder often what truly motivates me to stay clean (there are drugs in the house - son just had surgery).  The answer is unknown - just being honest.  If I had to guess it’s that deep down I long for a time where I didn’t even know what methadone was...  I don’t constantly think about methadone anymore - I just think about wanting my whole life back - every little bit.   Anyway, it’s been a long, long road.   To all those who’ve read through my posts as Ftmill or even Kfred back 10 years ago, I’m telling you right now it ain’t easy.  It sucks.  It’s draining.  You’ll cry.   You’ll doubt.  You’ll hate.  You’ll think long and hard.   The good news is  you will eventually see that sliver of light, that single moment where you caught yourself back to normal.   It’ll get dark again... but that sliver WILL turn to a crack, and that crack into  an opening.   It’s at that point all you’ll want to do is chase it.   I honestly thought that’d never be possible

[Ftmill]

6 months/1 week  -  Pleased to report sleep has pretty much returned to "normal" for a 48 year old male.  No cravings, no anxiety.   Not to sound drama but I'm relearning what "real life" is... ;)   There are ups/downs.  Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I feel great, other times I'm down.   I handle issues much better but I'm not perfect.   Although I believe NA/AA isn't for everyone, I do learn things there, and draw upon positive aspects from the commentary.    Strangely, even when at my lowest/saddest/angriest I don't even consider going back.   Stranger yet is (even deep down)  I can't understand why that is...

[KLB84]

Good to see you post and hear you're doing good!

[Aleetiff]

Thanks for this journal. I've been on 40 mgs for 15 yrs. I'm down to 28 and was thinking of switching to Suboxone. I have changed my mind. I know it'll be a long haul but I'm worth it. Gotta keep telling myself that. This journal is priceless for me. Many , many thx and keep up the stellar work!!

[Ftmill]

5.5 months (give or take a day)  ;)    I'm pretty good afternoons and evenings...  Almost zero anxiety.  Concentration is challenging.  I can laugh, enjoy brief moments, etc.  However, I continue to struggle with prolonged interest in things I used to love.  Anything which takes a little mental effort to gain enjoyment I simply avoid now.   Depression would be an understatement but I've really learned to live with it...  Switched my hours to afternoons/evening as mornings are just "forget it".   I sleep 8-10 hours a night/day but wake/toss/turn about every hour literally.  It's getting old but I'll take it.   It's hard to explain to people my situation, I don't think my med. doctor believes me but whatever.   I can't imagine life is like this so I hold onto hope the process is still ongoing.   Oh one more thing, sometimes I get really angry and can hold onto it for a while.  This is new as I've never had anger issues.   I can only guess this, too, is part of my journey.   Anyway, to all still hurtin' keep your chin up.  The pain will pass.

[Unlucky2006]

Hello again.. I wanted to reach out and after reading your posts sounds a lot like my story.. I'm almost three months off methadone and everything else I'd take to ease the pain.. feeling much better now. Other then zero energy and anxiety, depression but still a million times better then I was two months ago.. you reached out to me and I just wanted to thank you.. there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all!!! So glad we made it this far.. keep up the work as will I .. much love xxxxx. One day at a time;))

[Soulscapex]

Congrats on the 4 months mate, as klb said this is a positive update, keep at it,  4 months was where it started turning around for me, Just push thru it , Things will change . Make sure your eating lean and exercising, at your stage is when i switched up my lifestyle. and i believe it helped my recovery along.