Quit methadone - daily progress thread

[Ftmill]

After a handful of random posts here, it was suggested I start a progress thread.  I don't want to steal anyone's thunder but maybe this can help others - including hopefully myself.  ;)

Long story short - kidney stones - vicodin - dumb decision to go to methadone clinic - 90mg for last 5 years or so.   48 year old male.   Oh, and I quit drinking at 21 after 3 three years of collegiate alcoholism...

The first week wasn't not that bad.   I did check myself into a detox, however didn't use the medication except valium a few nights.   I was with about 25 other high/higher dose methadone patients.   I am now 100% convinced there is a stigma of methadone w/d the festers in the minds of addicts.   Most of us have never stopped methadone.  It's a complete unknown other than 'rumors' and 'line talk'.   I was terrified of the unknown, so was everyone else I was with...  That PURE fear leads to what?!?  ** ANXIETY **  which then manifests itself in physical forms i.e. cravings, nausea, etc.   It is a vicious cycle.  There are true physical issues, however, I'd see a man at day 5-6 off 280mgs absolutely losing it - only to be perfectly fine for HOURS after simply chatting with others (staff, patients, etc.)   Could I have done that first 10 days without detox?  Looking back now absolutely, however at the time I personally needed that ONE FIRST STEP.   A commitment that, at least for that day, I'd be clean.  The last 5 weeks have not been easy - week two and three were a breeze - the last 2 have been challenging but I'm still clean.

Day 39   Stayed up an hour later hoping to sleep in - didn't work - bed at 12 and up at 5.   Tossed and turned as usual throughout the night.   Went to breakfast (something I NEVER used to do) and here I sit.  When I think about the energy crash I know is coming I get anxious.   It's hard to tell between anxiety and cravings.  I called the detox yesterday to ask about energy to which I was told, "yea, we took away your super powers"   Laughingly I agreed.  

[Ftmill]

Didn't think that was too strong so never have...  I'm hoping tonight will be better.   If tonight doesn't go well I will try that tomorrow night...

[roseamillion]

Hey.. Just read your whole journal. Thank you for posting all of this
I went from 115 mg of methadone to.80 in a week and a half. I am detoxing five mg a day. I am scared to get lower than forty. But for you.. Has anyone suggested melatonin? Read.up a little about it online. You can get it at any store really now. Very helpful for me. I have wd tons of times when I couldn't find stuff in the middle of.my addiction like I'm sure we all have and this stuff was.magic for me
good luck you're an inspiration!

[Ftmill]

Day - 97.  Not going to take antidepressant... had 7 hours of on interrupted sleep so I'm satisfied w that progress, seemed to get a lot better quickly.  Hope it will last

[Ftmill]

Day - 94.  Didn't look at the clock last night, but I watched 3 movies before family got up.  Will keep to that however...   I called a psychiatrist in town who specializes in adddiction and by some miracle got in today.   He explained to me that medicine really doesn't understand sleep – even in 2017...   he then told me there was nothing he could do for sleep other than an antidepressant which my primary suggested 6 weeks ago.   Who wouldn't be depressed? I lost my best friend three months ago.    He said it might help in 3 to 4 weeks.    After reading about it I found all sorts of issues with it, including insomnia! Now I'm just totally confused..   any input on lexapro?

[meme53207]

I WOULD NEVER TAKE AN ANTIDEPPRESANT JUST FOR SLEEP...TOO MANY SIDE EFFECTS...BUT THATS MY OPINON...AS FOR LEXIPRO...MY 92 YR OLD MOTHER HAS BEEN TAKING IT FOR YRS, BUT SHE HAS NO PLANS OF STOPPING...GOTTA BE CAREFUL...YOU DONT WANNA GIVE UP ONE ADDICTION FOR ANOTHER...

[Ftmill]

Day - 92.  Picked up that medicine and the pharmacist suggested I take it when I wake up in the night.   So, as usual, up at 2:30 after going down at 11:15.   Took 50mg and sat there for an hour.   Didn't think it'd work and then feel asleep for 3 more hours.   Ate breakfast and slept for another 2...   gotta keep piling on the days even if theres not much fun...

[meme53207]

...I my self being a 15+ year user, was at my worse in months 3-5...I would say it was p.a.w.s. the anxiety..muscle tension, back spasms..no energy..forgetfulness..not sleeping more than 2 hrs at a pop..rashes, itchy skin..stomach bloating.. was the worse in months 3-5...I did notice big improvement after month 5...at least to where it was tolerable..but at month 5 id say I was at the 50% better mark...but I was a long time user ...and older...lol..the days go by so slow when you only sleep 2 hrs...lol...now I'm sleeping 5/6...but that's all my body needs...as we age we need less sleep...im 57...if you can walk at least 20 min a day that helped me...and lots of water..no caffeine..keep fighting the fight ...you can do this if you want it bad enough...take care..

[meme53207]

the worse for me is the anxiety...when I say anxiety its from h.e.l.l. where I have trouble catching my breath..body all tensed..mind racing, crazy thinking like I'm gonna die or go crazy...I used to google a lot..but that only made things worse..lol..so no more DR.GOOGLE for me.....lol...ok I'm rambling...sorry...after 5 months my anxiety came down a lot..ill be clean 1 yr nxt month...

[meme53207]

..sorry for the last 2 posts..i don't know how to just edit...lol

[Ftmill]

Day - 91.  Lesa I really am trying!!!   Woke last night @ 2:30 and I freakad out. (Normally I've just waited the 6-7 hours out until day starts).  I don't think I've ever had a panic attack.   My doctor is on vacation so I went to the quickie med at 8 am sharp.   Told her my whole story and I needed ANY non-opioid, non-benzo, non addicting help.   She gave me Vistaril...  hopefully it helps tonight.    Anxiety back today as well.  It's like everytime I get in a few jabs, I get pounded blindside by a huge left hook!   I see "normal" people and wonder if I'll EVER feel like them.  I sure hope cause this ain't livin'.

[Ftmill]

Day - 90.  Thank you Vickie.   Wish I could say I'm in a good place but I'm not.   It's just getting worse and worse.   It's now 2:45am and I've been up for a 1/2 hour.   Despite ALL my good intentions and ALL the feedback here I'm not sure how much more I can take.   The solitude for hours on end has worn me down.   Yesterday I ate right, walked, execised, etc.  Went to bed 10:30 and fell asleep around 11:15.    Really felt 90 would be a cool milestone but now believing I'm starting to lose this fight...  

[10356]

Do not loose Hope Ftmill!! All this effort cannot be for nothing You Have to Believe it will get better!! Have you tried the Trazadone? My Dr. said You will get a solid 8hrs sleep.. Heck with the morning after If you feel you are loosing! I over slept for the first time yesterday! I'm ahead of you by about a month our less I do not keep count how many days it seems to me that makes it longer. I made it to the top of that Mountain/hill 2 days ago!!! It felt good Ftmill.. You are on the last leg of this wd You jumped from 90mg. You expressed how much you hate this stuff.. Buy your wife some flowers give her a hug and a kiss tell her you love her and cannot live without her that once off this and sleeping again Things will get better that you appreciate everything she has done for you her support and love to please be a lil more patient as this is just about over. Hope Ftmill is everything do not loose site of Hope!! Sending Strength. Congrats on your milestone 91 days !!!!!! that is Big! lesa