Quit methadone - daily progress thread

[Ftmill]

After a handful of random posts here, it was suggested I start a progress thread.  I don't want to steal anyone's thunder but maybe this can help others - including hopefully myself.  ;)

Long story short - kidney stones - vicodin - dumb decision to go to methadone clinic - 90mg for last 5 years or so.   48 year old male.   Oh, and I quit drinking at 21 after 3 three years of collegiate alcoholism...

The first week wasn't not that bad.   I did check myself into a detox, however didn't use the medication except valium a few nights.   I was with about 25 other high/higher dose methadone patients.   I am now 100% convinced there is a stigma of methadone w/d the festers in the minds of addicts.   Most of us have never stopped methadone.  It's a complete unknown other than 'rumors' and 'line talk'.   I was terrified of the unknown, so was everyone else I was with...  That PURE fear leads to what?!?  ** ANXIETY **  which then manifests itself in physical forms i.e. cravings, nausea, etc.   It is a vicious cycle.  There are true physical issues, however, I'd see a man at day 5-6 off 280mgs absolutely losing it - only to be perfectly fine for HOURS after simply chatting with others (staff, patients, etc.)   Could I have done that first 10 days without detox?  Looking back now absolutely, however at the time I personally needed that ONE FIRST STEP.   A commitment that, at least for that day, I'd be clean.  The last 5 weeks have not been easy - week two and three were a breeze - the last 2 have been challenging but I'm still clean.

Day 39   Stayed up an hour later hoping to sleep in - didn't work - bed at 12 and up at 5.   Tossed and turned as usual throughout the night.   Went to breakfast (something I NEVER used to do) and here I sit.  When I think about the energy crash I know is coming I get anxious.   It's hard to tell between anxiety and cravings.  I called the detox yesterday to ask about energy to which I was told, "yea, we took away your super powers"   Laughingly I agreed.  

[Ftmill]

Day - 95.  Soulscape you're a genius!!!!!!!!  5:35!!!!!  I woke up a lot but didn't look at clock just flipped over and chilled out.   I've not been this excited in 95 days... slept 7 hours wow.  no bordom for hours either...  im in a great place right now

[Ftmill]

Day - 97.  Not going to take antidepressant... had 7 hours of on interrupted sleep so I'm satisfied w that progress, seemed to get a lot better quickly.  Hope it will last

[Ftmill]

Day - 98   2:35am  Well that didn't last...  I wish I understood, I was so excited that maybe the sleep thing was past.  So depressing.... a whole 3 hours of sleep and a long day ahead.

[meme53207]

...I take 1/2 of a Tylenol p.m. they are strong so all I need is a half..have you tried these?

[Ftmill]

Didn't think that was too strong so never have...  I'm hoping tonight will be better.   If tonight doesn't go well I will try that tomorrow night...

[roseamillion]

Hey.. Just read your whole journal. Thank you for posting all of this
I went from 115 mg of methadone to.80 in a week and a half. I am detoxing five mg a day. I am scared to get lower than forty. But for you.. Has anyone suggested melatonin? Read.up a little about it online. You can get it at any store really now. Very helpful for me. I have wd tons of times when I couldn't find stuff in the middle of.my addiction like I'm sure we all have and this stuff was.magic for me
good luck you're an inspiration!

[Ftmill]

Day 104 -  three and a half months off methadone I am still here. Not really sure if I’m ok or not.  Always saw the world in back and white...  maybe it’s actually not..  

[Ftmill]

Day - 115   Really trying to adjust to this new "normal"...  I can't figure out whether this EXTREME fatigue is straight up depression (which I've never experienced) or still just protracted withdrawal.   I ended up trying Lexapro a few nights ago and ended up having the worst night since this all began.   I wish I knew if this "off" feeling will ever completely go away.  Although I've since refrained from reading countless internet posts, I read where there are some who never fully 'recover'  Now that's all I think about.   Sometimes I wonder what my true motivation is...  do I *really* want this or is the ******** hassle of the clinic my real drive?   I often feel the later.   It's really difficult being positive about anything - just being honest.