Quit methadone - daily progress thread

[Ftmill]

After a handful of random posts here, it was suggested I start a progress thread.  I don't want to steal anyone's thunder but maybe this can help others - including hopefully myself.  ;)

Long story short - kidney stones - vicodin - dumb decision to go to methadone clinic - 90mg for last 5 years or so.   48 year old male.   Oh, and I quit drinking at 21 after 3 three years of collegiate alcoholism...

The first week wasn't not that bad.   I did check myself into a detox, however didn't use the medication except valium a few nights.   I was with about 25 other high/higher dose methadone patients.   I am now 100% convinced there is a stigma of methadone w/d the festers in the minds of addicts.   Most of us have never stopped methadone.  It's a complete unknown other than 'rumors' and 'line talk'.   I was terrified of the unknown, so was everyone else I was with...  That PURE fear leads to what?!?  ** ANXIETY **  which then manifests itself in physical forms i.e. cravings, nausea, etc.   It is a vicious cycle.  There are true physical issues, however, I'd see a man at day 5-6 off 280mgs absolutely losing it - only to be perfectly fine for HOURS after simply chatting with others (staff, patients, etc.)   Could I have done that first 10 days without detox?  Looking back now absolutely, however at the time I personally needed that ONE FIRST STEP.   A commitment that, at least for that day, I'd be clean.  The last 5 weeks have not been easy - week two and three were a breeze - the last 2 have been challenging but I'm still clean.

Day 39   Stayed up an hour later hoping to sleep in - didn't work - bed at 12 and up at 5.   Tossed and turned as usual throughout the night.   Went to breakfast (something I NEVER used to do) and here I sit.  When I think about the energy crash I know is coming I get anxious.   It's hard to tell between anxiety and cravings.  I called the detox yesterday to ask about energy to which I was told, "yea, we took away your super powers"   Laughingly I agreed.  

[Ftmill]

Day Eight months and few days -  Still kicking.  Life is slowly coming back.  Things have leveled out now.  I’ll take it.  It’s still not always easy and I wonder sometimes if I’ll EVER get back to pre-methadone happiness but I believe I will.   I wonder often what truly motivates me to stay clean (there are drugs in the house - son just had surgery).  The answer is unknown - just being honest.  If I had to guess it’s that deep down I long for a time where I didn’t even know what methadone was...  I don’t constantly think about methadone anymore - I just think about wanting my whole life back - every little bit.   Anyway, it’s been a long, long road.   To all those who’ve read through my posts as Ftmill or even Kfred back 10 years ago, I’m telling you right now it ain’t easy.  It sucks.  It’s draining.  You’ll cry.   You’ll doubt.  You’ll hate.  You’ll think long and hard.   The good news is  you will eventually see that sliver of light, that single moment where you caught yourself back to normal.   It’ll get dark again... but that sliver WILL turn to a crack, and that crack into  an opening.   It’s at that point all you’ll want to do is chase it.   I honestly thought that’d never be possible

[Ftmill]

6 months/1 week  -  Pleased to report sleep has pretty much returned to "normal" for a 48 year old male.  No cravings, no anxiety.   Not to sound drama but I'm relearning what "real life" is... ;)   There are ups/downs.  Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I feel great, other times I'm down.   I handle issues much better but I'm not perfect.   Although I believe NA/AA isn't for everyone, I do learn things there, and draw upon positive aspects from the commentary.    Strangely, even when at my lowest/saddest/angriest I don't even consider going back.   Stranger yet is (even deep down)  I can't understand why that is...

[KLB84]

Good to see you post and hear you're doing good!

[Aleetiff]

Thanks for this journal. I've been on 40 mgs for 15 yrs. I'm down to 28 and was thinking of switching to Suboxone. I have changed my mind. I know it'll be a long haul but I'm worth it. Gotta keep telling myself that. This journal is priceless for me. Many , many thx and keep up the stellar work!!

[Ftmill]

5.5 months (give or take a day)  ;)    I'm pretty good afternoons and evenings...  Almost zero anxiety.  Concentration is challenging.  I can laugh, enjoy brief moments, etc.  However, I continue to struggle with prolonged interest in things I used to love.  Anything which takes a little mental effort to gain enjoyment I simply avoid now.   Depression would be an understatement but I've really learned to live with it...  Switched my hours to afternoons/evening as mornings are just "forget it".   I sleep 8-10 hours a night/day but wake/toss/turn about every hour literally.  It's getting old but I'll take it.   It's hard to explain to people my situation, I don't think my med. doctor believes me but whatever.   I can't imagine life is like this so I hold onto hope the process is still ongoing.   Oh one more thing, sometimes I get really angry and can hold onto it for a while.  This is new as I've never had anger issues.   I can only guess this, too, is part of my journey.   Anyway, to all still hurtin' keep your chin up.  The pain will pass.

[Unlucky2006]

Hello again.. I wanted to reach out and after reading your posts sounds a lot like my story.. I'm almost three months off methadone and everything else I'd take to ease the pain.. feeling much better now. Other then zero energy and anxiety, depression but still a million times better then I was two months ago.. you reached out to me and I just wanted to thank you.. there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all!!! So glad we made it this far.. keep up the work as will I .. much love xxxxx. One day at a time;))

[Soulscapex]

Congrats on the 4 months mate, as klb said this is a positive update, keep at it,  4 months was where it started turning around for me, Just push thru it , Things will change . Make sure your eating lean and exercising, at your stage is when i switched up my lifestyle. and i believe it helped my recovery along.  

[Ftmill]

Month 4 and about 3 weeks - Still off Methadone... spent some time in SW Florida to try and "get away"  Wish I had a super positive update, but continue to be challenged daily.  Am I dying?  No.  Am I suffering?  No.   I just continue to be amazed at just how crappy I feel.   Despite much improved sleep, I still have almost zero energy.  Motivation is almost non-existent.  Stories of it taking a year or more to "reset" seem more and more correct.   Even simple tasks take everything in me.  Not much anxiety anymore, just an overall sense of blah.  It's pretty obvious my brain has yet to produce much/any dopamine.
Despite all this, I've managed to stay of the methadone.  

[KLB84]

No methadone despite the struggle is a positive update! I'm glad to hear from you and we are here for you. It's going to get better I'm sorry that you feel so blah but the good news is even if it does take a year you're almost halfway there! What I wouldn't give to already have that much clean time under my belt again. The struggle is real but we are in this together.
My doctor told me it would be about 6 months to get energy back - for mine and your sake I'm praying that's the case.

[KLB84]

How's it going?

[10356]

Someday I hope to not constantly think about all this...  I just realized I have not I cannot remember since when :) Congrats I day 123 Ftmill!! lesa

[Ftmill]

Day - 116   Yesterday I did quite a bit...  As much as I hate to admit it, exercise truly does work wonders.  Felt almost normal for parts of the day!   Still hopeful for better days ahead.  It really is amazing (for lack of a better word) how this ordeal comes in waves.  For all those who work full time going through this, you're unbelievably strong.  Someday I hope to not constantly think about all this...  

[KLB84]

Yay you exercised! Good for you!
I've done the same two days in a row lol ... hopefully more to come as I get completely clean to help the process!

[Ftmill]

Thank you much — great post — I am gonna look into some vitamins esp magnesium.   Glad I give you hope as I can be a real bummer poster!   :).  

[KLB84]

Ps. I'm on Paxil (much like lexapro) and it does have side effects when starting it. When I started Paxil I was completely sober and had been for a good 3 or 4 years but the Paxil gave me headaches and nausea and crazy nightmares for a good two weeks. Just FYI
ALSO the first and only time I got clean I was coming off methadone and was at a YEAR LONG rehab - for the first 6 months I took naps more than most people and I thought I just had very low energy...it did get better though.  I was sober for 6 yrs before relapsing (I got divorced and moved into an apartment next to a drug dealer far away from home and all alone - it was a perfect storm - not making excuses just saying...sobriety is possible and it's good - just got too keep accountability in your life which I failed to do).

[KLB84]

Fatigue is one of the hardest things especially since much of the whole reason I used in the first place was because of how much energy it gave me (and I loved methadone for that). Anyway, I am currently tapering from Suboxone. I've done it once before but got scared when it came to jumping and tried some short-acting opiates because someone said that was a good idea (ha) it definitely was not for me! anyway got back on Suboxone within a month and been on it for 4 years and every time I taper the fatigue is brutal. And I do find that reading SOME people's stories can be discouraging. I'm down to 1.25mg (trying to get to 1 currently). So, now for some ideas...i recently started taking an herbal supplement that is supposed to be pharmaceutical grade vitamins packed full of good stuff. It helps with my energy a lot. It's called Thrive. The bad thing is it's not cheap and you can't buy it at the store - you have to know someone who sells it. (This is not a sales pitch). Maybe you could at least look it up and see what all vitamins are in it and try that. I never thought vitamins would seriously help me but they are. I read another girls  testimony about coming off of Suboxone and she said Shakeology helped her a lot which I'm sure is a similar type product.  I've heard that caffeine or coffee  is not good - I guess because of the crash. Also I know a few good doctors (who were once addicts)  that highly recommend exercising I am trying my best to start now before the jump but it is very hard I will admit. Anyway, even though your struggling now you still give me hope. Don't give up. In my experience it's always in the moment we think things aren't going to get better and we want to give up that change is right around the corner if we just don't give up!

[Ftmill]

Day - 115   Really trying to adjust to this new "normal"...  I can't figure out whether this EXTREME fatigue is straight up depression (which I've never experienced) or still just protracted withdrawal.   I ended up trying Lexapro a few nights ago and ended up having the worst night since this all began.   I wish I knew if this "off" feeling will ever completely go away.  Although I've since refrained from reading countless internet posts, I read where there are some who never fully 'recover'  Now that's all I think about.   Sometimes I wonder what my true motivation is...  do I *really* want this or is the ******** hassle of the clinic my real drive?   I often feel the later.   It's really difficult being positive about anything - just being honest.

[Ftmill]

Day 104 -  three and a half months off methadone I am still here. Not really sure if I’m ok or not.  Always saw the world in back and white...  maybe it’s actually not..  

[Ftmill]

Didn't think that was too strong so never have...  I'm hoping tonight will be better.   If tonight doesn't go well I will try that tomorrow night...

[roseamillion]

Hey.. Just read your whole journal. Thank you for posting all of this
I went from 115 mg of methadone to.80 in a week and a half. I am detoxing five mg a day. I am scared to get lower than forty. But for you.. Has anyone suggested melatonin? Read.up a little about it online. You can get it at any store really now. Very helpful for me. I have wd tons of times when I couldn't find stuff in the middle of.my addiction like I'm sure we all have and this stuff was.magic for me
good luck you're an inspiration!

[Ftmill]

Day - 98   2:35am  Well that didn't last...  I wish I understood, I was so excited that maybe the sleep thing was past.  So depressing.... a whole 3 hours of sleep and a long day ahead.

[meme53207]

...I take 1/2 of a Tylenol p.m. they are strong so all I need is a half..have you tried these?

[Ftmill]

Day - 97.  Not going to take antidepressant... had 7 hours of on interrupted sleep so I'm satisfied w that progress, seemed to get a lot better quickly.  Hope it will last

[Ftmill]

Day - 95.  Soulscape you're a genius!!!!!!!!  5:35!!!!!  I woke up a lot but didn't look at clock just flipped over and chilled out.   I've not been this excited in 95 days... slept 7 hours wow.  no bordom for hours either...  im in a great place right now

[Ftmill]

Day - 94.  Didn't look at the clock last night, but I watched 3 movies before family got up.  Will keep to that however...   I called a psychiatrist in town who specializes in adddiction and by some miracle got in today.   He explained to me that medicine really doesn't understand sleep – even in 2017...   he then told me there was nothing he could do for sleep other than an antidepressant which my primary suggested 6 weeks ago.   Who wouldn't be depressed? I lost my best friend three months ago.    He said it might help in 3 to 4 weeks.    After reading about it I found all sorts of issues with it, including insomnia! Now I'm just totally confused..   any input on lexapro?

[meme53207]

I WOULD NEVER TAKE AN ANTIDEPPRESANT JUST FOR SLEEP...TOO MANY SIDE EFFECTS...BUT THATS MY OPINON...AS FOR LEXIPRO...MY 92 YR OLD MOTHER HAS BEEN TAKING IT FOR YRS, BUT SHE HAS NO PLANS OF STOPPING...GOTTA BE CAREFUL...YOU DONT WANNA GIVE UP ONE ADDICTION FOR ANOTHER...

[Ftmill]

Reading posts like yours gives me more and more hope this someday will end...  the antihistamine that worked so well last night has done zero today.   Up again at 2:30 and have been sitting here for 2 hours.   It's so weird, like clockwork.  I'm not freaking out like last few nights though.

[Soulscapex]

Hey Ftmil , congrats on staying with it , I still wake up at random times in the night, what i found super effective for me was, to just roll back over, to not even think oh damn what time is it, or anything at all. Have you tried mediation. It can work for anxiety also. I use to be super bad , panic attacks and all that jazz. But ive been goin to a therapist since my Day 1 , and have learned alot of ways to help with it. At this point , i havent had a attack or anxiety flare up for months, prob a year.  Just a suggestion for ya. I can promise you it will get better. It can also help to start telling yourself i feel better, even if you know your not 100 percent.
I did this trick recently with cigs, just kept telling my self they stink. now i hate the smell of someone smoking. Our mind is a powerful tool.

[Ftmill]

Day - 92.  Picked up that medicine and the pharmacist suggested I take it when I wake up in the night.   So, as usual, up at 2:30 after going down at 11:15.   Took 50mg and sat there for an hour.   Didn't think it'd work and then feel asleep for 3 more hours.   Ate breakfast and slept for another 2...   gotta keep piling on the days even if theres not much fun...

[meme53207]

...I my self being a 15+ year user, was at my worse in months 3-5...I would say it was p.a.w.s. the anxiety..muscle tension, back spasms..no energy..forgetfulness..not sleeping more than 2 hrs at a pop..rashes, itchy skin..stomach bloating.. was the worse in months 3-5...I did notice big improvement after month 5...at least to where it was tolerable..but at month 5 id say I was at the 50% better mark...but I was a long time user ...and older...lol..the days go by so slow when you only sleep 2 hrs...lol...now I'm sleeping 5/6...but that's all my body needs...as we age we need less sleep...im 57...if you can walk at least 20 min a day that helped me...and lots of water..no caffeine..keep fighting the fight ...you can do this if you want it bad enough...take care..

[meme53207]

the worse for me is the anxiety...when I say anxiety its from h.e.l.l. where I have trouble catching my breath..body all tensed..mind racing, crazy thinking like I'm gonna die or go crazy...I used to google a lot..but that only made things worse..lol..so no more DR.GOOGLE for me.....lol...ok I'm rambling...sorry...after 5 months my anxiety came down a lot..ill be clean 1 yr nxt month...

[meme53207]

..sorry for the last 2 posts..i don't know how to just edit...lol

[Ftmill]

Day - 91.  Lesa I really am trying!!!   Woke last night @ 2:30 and I freakad out. (Normally I've just waited the 6-7 hours out until day starts).  I don't think I've ever had a panic attack.   My doctor is on vacation so I went to the quickie med at 8 am sharp.   Told her my whole story and I needed ANY non-opioid, non-benzo, non addicting help.   She gave me Vistaril...  hopefully it helps tonight.    Anxiety back today as well.  It's like everytime I get in a few jabs, I get pounded blindside by a huge left hook!   I see "normal" people and wonder if I'll EVER feel like them.  I sure hope cause this ain't livin'.

[Ftmill]

Day - 90.  Thank you Vickie.   Wish I could say I'm in a good place but I'm not.   It's just getting worse and worse.   It's now 2:45am and I've been up for a 1/2 hour.   Despite ALL my good intentions and ALL the feedback here I'm not sure how much more I can take.   The solitude for hours on end has worn me down.   Yesterday I ate right, walked, execised, etc.  Went to bed 10:30 and fell asleep around 11:15.    Really felt 90 would be a cool milestone but now believing I'm starting to lose this fight...  

[10356]

Do not loose Hope Ftmill!! All this effort cannot be for nothing You Have to Believe it will get better!! Have you tried the Trazadone? My Dr. said You will get a solid 8hrs sleep.. Heck with the morning after If you feel you are loosing! I over slept for the first time yesterday! I'm ahead of you by about a month our less I do not keep count how many days it seems to me that makes it longer. I made it to the top of that Mountain/hill 2 days ago!!! It felt good Ftmill.. You are on the last leg of this wd You jumped from 90mg. You expressed how much you hate this stuff.. Buy your wife some flowers give her a hug and a kiss tell her you love her and cannot live without her that once off this and sleeping again Things will get better that you appreciate everything she has done for you her support and love to please be a lil more patient as this is just about over. Hope Ftmill is everything do not loose site of Hope!! Sending Strength. Congrats on your milestone 91 days !!!!!! that is Big! lesa

[VICourageous]

Hello,
Do not worry, you will sleep soon. I did not sleep well at all for many months but I c/t my yrs on Methadone, and 2 other meds at once. When I did finally sleep, I called it my catch up sleep..ha!
All of this detoxing seems to go threw stages. It will take some time to balance out. These meds change our brain chemistry and this is the part that will take months to balance out. Here are some tips about sleep, but remember that the detox has to do it's own cycle too. Try not to fight the sleep, get up and do something and try again. Put some lavender in the wash and wash your sheets and blankets. Make sure that ALL lights and blinking lights are out. Make sure the room is cool and the best that did it for me and still does 5yrs later, is Calcium, Magnesium and D3 in a liquid mixed together. Just hang on to your patience and give this time to heal. YOU will get here soon. Then you are on a new journey to stay clean and do some real soul searching about yourself. LOTS of changes will take place. Good luck and Congrats on your time so far.
Bless
Vickie

[Ftmill]

Day - 89.   I've tried not to just talk about sleep but I'm finally admitting it's gotten really, really bad.   I see improvement everywhere else but this.   It's getttng worse.   I've been sitting here since 2:30am exhausted but simply unable to back to sleep.   The first month I slept like the dead...  I'm so lost on this.   My resolve is still strong however I'm concerned about it.   It's starting to cross my mind that a simple trip across town would end all this -- just being honest.   Right now I'm still riding the hatred and disdain for everything methadone but how long can that last?   Like mentioned, I truly see improvements everywhere else.   Having to "deal" with 7-8 hours before my day even starts is taking a huge toll on me mentally.   I'm all ears for any suggestions...