Relapse After Withdrawal

[SecondBySecond]

BACKGROUND: So...After many years of scouring the internet I have decided to post.  I have been using opiates for many years now.  I started off by abusing scripts or Vic/Norco that I would receive legitimately for various reasons.  At little over four years ago now, a friend of a friend had me try a 10mg Oxy, he crushed it and wanted me to snort it, I did so.  That was all it took.  I was immediately hooked.  Throughout the course of that night I probably snorted 8 10mg oxys, not even knowing what they were.  I just knew I felt great, ended up staying up all night that first night.  After that I started using on the weekends for a few months, at which point 20mg of oxy snorted would have me feeling great.  It slowly progressed over months until I was using everyday.  Throughout my using career I tried pretty much every opiate, Vic's, Norcos, Methadone, Morphine, Somas, MS. Contin, you name it.  Oxy was always my favorite.  By this point my wife was starting to notice something was up, money was missing, I would leave at odd times for hours to go get pills, and have stupid excuses.  Also the crushable form of Oxy was becoming hard to come by. I finally confessed to her.  After confessing I quit cold turkey, went through hell, it was the worst.  After this first detox I thought, I beat this, I am a bad ***, I deserve a reward, so within a week I was using again.  I ended up using again for about a year or more, wife caught me again.  Now this time, I went and saw a DR. and was put on suboxone and then subutex.  I stayed on the subutex for a year, was doing well.  One day someone gave me a pain pill, Roxy 30mg, I held it for weeks.  Then one day after being on the Subutex for a year, I thought, Hmmm.. I'm on a pretty low dose of Subutex, maybe half a milligram, I wonder if I will feel this Roxy.  I took it, I felt it but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be because of the Subs.  I immediately called my old hook up, and it was on.  I had/have a steady supply of 80mg oxy Ops.  My hook up lives right by me and only sells to me, so I have access to his entire script every month.  He does not work so he will meet me ANY time I call.  So they are OPs but I started chewing them.  First it was one 80, then two 80s at a time, then I was taking 2 80s in the morning, 2 80s around lunch and 1 80 in the evening, so I got up there.  I still had/have the subutex at this time so I used it as a crutch, meaning I would use heavy for a week or two, then get on the subs at a low dose for a few days, ween myself down, start back on the oxy.  I have done this for exactly a year this month.  Now here I am, my wife called me out AGAIN and I quit Cold Turkey again on October 4th, 2013.....it is now Oct, 22nd.  I am doing a lot better.  I was bed ridden for 3/4 days, slept maybe 4 hours over the course of the entire first week.  Right after the first week I started sleeping again and my RLS went away, so it was a real hard 2-4 days followed by some sleepless nights and RLS.  As of now I have been having anxiety and a lack of motivation, but all in all not too bad, 200% better than I was two weeks ago.  So here's me question.

QUESTION:  On about the 4th day of my detox, I went and got 4 80mg ops, but I did not take them, old habits I guess.  My hookup kept calling me, he made it so easy, so I caved and bought the 4 pills.  So, needless to say they are burning a hole in my pocket.  So today, after 18+ days Opiate free I took one 80 mg OP.  I know I know I'm kicking myself.  Now I am hoping someone with experience can answer this.  Will this relapse of 1 80mg OP, when I usually take up to 5 in a day, but usually 3-4, cause me to go back into withdrawal?  My wife will kill me if I'm back in bed tomorrow!!..  I am so ashamed and mad at myself.  Any one with a similar experience or insight?

[WalkTall]

I had a nasty 5-year habit of taking 20 to 30 norcos per day, which I acquired illegally at a significant cost. I tried to quit a couple of times without a "full release" of the pills.  In other words, I detoxed with the intention of just keeping a few pills around, or just taking a few - only on the weekends.  I thought I had control, but the truth is, something has changed in us.  We have no control when we have pills around, or at our disposal. The only way to quit is to totally quit. Get rid of your pills, and distance yourself from your supplier.

Whether you can succeed, long term, totally depends on your level of determination.  Most of us reach that level by bottoming-out.  

My bottom came when I kept relapsing, and slipped into a deep level of humility and despair, knowing that the addiction controlled me, and I had become a slave to little yellow pills.  I promised my wife and God that I would dedicate myself  (with their help) to the cause of ending the diabolical lunacy, and vector every ounce of my energy towards getting and staying clean.

I suggest that you reflect upon the reasons for your relapse and why you were so reluctant to flush the pills.  If you feel that you have no control.. that your finances and responsibilities are taking a back seat to the pills, then you must become uber-determined.  So determined, in fact, that you'll do anything and everything within your power to renounce the poison, get help when necessary, and reclaim your life.

[ROSYouralright]

Hey! Glad your here and hanging in! Can I ask you a favor? Can u start a new thread BC this one is so long. I'm on my cell phone and it is difficult to get through all the previous posts! Only if you want to! THANKS ! I wanna keep up with ya

[SecondBySecond]

Good morning...doing ok today, a little sluggish, but that usually wears off by mid-day

[Teri9498]

How are u today????.......

[Wildewoman]

Good for you!! I was clean the first time for only 3 dasy - then used. Today I am at day 49!!

[OxyTired]

When I started my recovery plan over 100 clean days ago from oxy, I was still full of my "grand analysis" of the situation. I tried my very best to convince everyone here that I could detox for two weeks, then use oxy with my wifes help safely for 4 days for a "legit pain" issue, and continue merrily along no problem. Whew, did I ever get called on that! The universal response from the Forum here was "BS"  My addict ego was massively offended. How dare they talk to me that way??
But I really wanted sobriety. I kept coming back, just did more listening. Hard to do for me. I am a professor by trade and very analytic by nature.
Addiction is no respector of logic. It humbles us all. I had to turn a deaf ear to my chattering mind. Do what people here said.
1 Get rid of all the pills, 2 cut all sources, 3 find aftercare, 4 work a daily program of recovery.
Simple as that. No more, no less. My personal answer to my addiction beast who is always with me ready for me to let my guard down is: "No more pills"
Period. (no matter what back pain, etc, etc)
Slowly my life is turning around. Much of the credit goes to people here and others in my life that know that pills are not good for me at all. No need for secrets, or ego boosts.
Just wanted to share this with you. My program is now more of the heart than of the endless "logical" chatter in my head.
Oh yeah, and from above, 1, 2, 3, 4
Best to you!