Relapse After Withdrawal

[SecondBySecond]

BACKGROUND: So...After many years of scouring the internet I have decided to post.  I have been using opiates for many years now.  I started off by abusing scripts or Vic/Norco that I would receive legitimately for various reasons.  At little over four years ago now, a friend of a friend had me try a 10mg Oxy, he crushed it and wanted me to snort it, I did so.  That was all it took.  I was immediately hooked.  Throughout the course of that night I probably snorted 8 10mg oxys, not even knowing what they were.  I just knew I felt great, ended up staying up all night that first night.  After that I started using on the weekends for a few months, at which point 20mg of oxy snorted would have me feeling great.  It slowly progressed over months until I was using everyday.  Throughout my using career I tried pretty much every opiate, Vic's, Norcos, Methadone, Morphine, Somas, MS. Contin, you name it.  Oxy was always my favorite.  By this point my wife was starting to notice something was up, money was missing, I would leave at odd times for hours to go get pills, and have stupid excuses.  Also the crushable form of Oxy was becoming hard to come by. I finally confessed to her.  After confessing I quit cold turkey, went through hell, it was the worst.  After this first detox I thought, I beat this, I am a bad ***, I deserve a reward, so within a week I was using again.  I ended up using again for about a year or more, wife caught me again.  Now this time, I went and saw a DR. and was put on suboxone and then subutex.  I stayed on the subutex for a year, was doing well.  One day someone gave me a pain pill, Roxy 30mg, I held it for weeks.  Then one day after being on the Subutex for a year, I thought, Hmmm.. I'm on a pretty low dose of Subutex, maybe half a milligram, I wonder if I will feel this Roxy.  I took it, I felt it but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be because of the Subs.  I immediately called my old hook up, and it was on.  I had/have a steady supply of 80mg oxy Ops.  My hook up lives right by me and only sells to me, so I have access to his entire script every month.  He does not work so he will meet me ANY time I call.  So they are OPs but I started chewing them.  First it was one 80, then two 80s at a time, then I was taking 2 80s in the morning, 2 80s around lunch and 1 80 in the evening, so I got up there.  I still had/have the subutex at this time so I used it as a crutch, meaning I would use heavy for a week or two, then get on the subs at a low dose for a few days, ween myself down, start back on the oxy.  I have done this for exactly a year this month.  Now here I am, my wife called me out AGAIN and I quit Cold Turkey again on October 4th, 2013.....it is now Oct, 22nd.  I am doing a lot better.  I was bed ridden for 3/4 days, slept maybe 4 hours over the course of the entire first week.  Right after the first week I started sleeping again and my RLS went away, so it was a real hard 2-4 days followed by some sleepless nights and RLS.  As of now I have been having anxiety and a lack of motivation, but all in all not too bad, 200% better than I was two weeks ago.  So here's me question.

QUESTION:  On about the 4th day of my detox, I went and got 4 80mg ops, but I did not take them, old habits I guess.  My hookup kept calling me, he made it so easy, so I caved and bought the 4 pills.  So, needless to say they are burning a hole in my pocket.  So today, after 18+ days Opiate free I took one 80 mg OP.  I know I know I'm kicking myself.  Now I am hoping someone with experience can answer this.  Will this relapse of 1 80mg OP, when I usually take up to 5 in a day, but usually 3-4, cause me to go back into withdrawal?  My wife will kill me if I'm back in bed tomorrow!!..  I am so ashamed and mad at myself.  Any one with a similar experience or insight?

[BearsFan1966]

If you truly want this you can do it! We are all here for you and this is a great site for support! You wanted your wife to know you are serious this time and hopefully you are and can become a new man! Life is so much better clean and not having to count on the pills to get "threw"! Every day will be a little better and when you feel you can not go another minute jump on this site and just read what others are going threw! This is what helped me get threw the rough days! Good luck and I know if you want it you can do it!

[SecondBySecond]

Dead serious...  But as you know yourself after 15 years as you said, it is not easy.  I have taken the first step on this long road...  I'll meet you at the finish line!

[SecondBySecond]

There gone now........gone

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks!...appreciate it...

[SecondBySecond]

Well...I have kids, my thought process was if I throw these out the window, what if a kid finds them and takes them?..I know this is a long shot, but not an impossibility..  Maybe I wasn't strong enough to flush them myself?  Not 100% sure, but I am 100% sure they are gone now, and that's what matters in the end.  Getting rid of them is a small victory, and I appreciate your encouragement....now the task of remaining opiate free..  I hear every one say once an addict always an addict, so I have a long road ahead.. Day by Day, Minute by Minute, Second by Second!..Will I ever use again, I sincerely pray I never do, but I would not be so arrogant as to say NO!...but I am going to work towards putting things in place to keep me clean...the same way I would plan and have "backups" while using, I am going to apply that to abstinence, and pray for the best!   It is a long road ahead, but for now I am optimistic...  I have notified exercise helps a lot...since day 3 of stopping I have been running and or walking 1-3 miles a day...definitely helps!

[kyle505]

clean:
yep...lots about this I don't understand, but I guess that's not necessary. If Second is serious it will show in a couple of days.
K