Relapse After Withdrawal

[SecondBySecond]

BACKGROUND: So...After many years of scouring the internet I have decided to post.  I have been using opiates for many years now.  I started off by abusing scripts or Vic/Norco that I would receive legitimately for various reasons.  At little over four years ago now, a friend of a friend had me try a 10mg Oxy, he crushed it and wanted me to snort it, I did so.  That was all it took.  I was immediately hooked.  Throughout the course of that night I probably snorted 8 10mg oxys, not even knowing what they were.  I just knew I felt great, ended up staying up all night that first night.  After that I started using on the weekends for a few months, at which point 20mg of oxy snorted would have me feeling great.  It slowly progressed over months until I was using everyday.  Throughout my using career I tried pretty much every opiate, Vic's, Norcos, Methadone, Morphine, Somas, MS. Contin, you name it.  Oxy was always my favorite.  By this point my wife was starting to notice something was up, money was missing, I would leave at odd times for hours to go get pills, and have stupid excuses.  Also the crushable form of Oxy was becoming hard to come by. I finally confessed to her.  After confessing I quit cold turkey, went through hell, it was the worst.  After this first detox I thought, I beat this, I am a bad ***, I deserve a reward, so within a week I was using again.  I ended up using again for about a year or more, wife caught me again.  Now this time, I went and saw a DR. and was put on suboxone and then subutex.  I stayed on the subutex for a year, was doing well.  One day someone gave me a pain pill, Roxy 30mg, I held it for weeks.  Then one day after being on the Subutex for a year, I thought, Hmmm.. I'm on a pretty low dose of Subutex, maybe half a milligram, I wonder if I will feel this Roxy.  I took it, I felt it but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be because of the Subs.  I immediately called my old hook up, and it was on.  I had/have a steady supply of 80mg oxy Ops.  My hook up lives right by me and only sells to me, so I have access to his entire script every month.  He does not work so he will meet me ANY time I call.  So they are OPs but I started chewing them.  First it was one 80, then two 80s at a time, then I was taking 2 80s in the morning, 2 80s around lunch and 1 80 in the evening, so I got up there.  I still had/have the subutex at this time so I used it as a crutch, meaning I would use heavy for a week or two, then get on the subs at a low dose for a few days, ween myself down, start back on the oxy.  I have done this for exactly a year this month.  Now here I am, my wife called me out AGAIN and I quit Cold Turkey again on October 4th, 2013.....it is now Oct, 22nd.  I am doing a lot better.  I was bed ridden for 3/4 days, slept maybe 4 hours over the course of the entire first week.  Right after the first week I started sleeping again and my RLS went away, so it was a real hard 2-4 days followed by some sleepless nights and RLS.  As of now I have been having anxiety and a lack of motivation, but all in all not too bad, 200% better than I was two weeks ago.  So here's me question.

QUESTION:  On about the 4th day of my detox, I went and got 4 80mg ops, but I did not take them, old habits I guess.  My hookup kept calling me, he made it so easy, so I caved and bought the 4 pills.  So, needless to say they are burning a hole in my pocket.  So today, after 18+ days Opiate free I took one 80 mg OP.  I know I know I'm kicking myself.  Now I am hoping someone with experience can answer this.  Will this relapse of 1 80mg OP, when I usually take up to 5 in a day, but usually 3-4, cause me to go back into withdrawal?  My wife will kill me if I'm back in bed tomorrow!!..  I am so ashamed and mad at myself.  Any one with a similar experience or insight?

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks for the encouragement...I appreciate it!...I just handed the pills over to my wife about 2 mins ago..They are gone..You all are right, having the pills on me is stupid..but I know in reality, having my pocket is an unnecessary temptation..but I must seek aftercare, I must have the will, because although they are no longer in my pocket, they are right down the street...Cut the connect of is good advise..I NEED to burn that bridge!

[wendall2840]

Hi and welcome.

I too am working up to quitting for good and playing the holding on to pills in case I need them, or the time isn't just quite right to quit.  You deserve alot of credit for quitting and making it through the w/d....you don't want to go back there and if you keep them you know you will.  As for the N/a meetings...they are great and a very needed after/during/before support.  I'm so sorry you had a bad experience with your first one but isn't that just kind of how life is and how us addicts conduct ourselves.  We don't stick things out.  Try another. I went to one Monday night and everyone was just great. Did you speak at the meeting.  I know it's really hard for me to speak in front of people but I had to make an effort and I was suprised how people really wanted to help just as the people on this site.  I live alone and am not  accountable to anyone so for me it's important I start being honest with someone so for you the more people that know the more accountable you'll have to be.......your dealer.  I too have a dealer that accomidates me and calls and says how are you doing with your meds?  I have told him I want to quite and although he says "good" it is ultimately me that has to be strong and stop caving.  So I understand but Get rid of the pills and get to some meetings.  It will help  keep posting it helps not only you but others too

[clean_in_ks]

You ARE gonna make it.....your responses to ALL of us reveal that...no defensiveness...you are HONEST....OPENminded...& WILLING....
That's H O W it works~

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks!....I'm handing the pills over right when I walk in the door and get home..  I have a long commute.  I REALLY appreciate your advise.  I
Will seek aftercare and a sponsor!...I will push forward!  Thanks!

[SecondBySecond]

You are 100% correct..I have not gotten rid of the pills yet, I have not got home yet, still driving, but I plan to hand them over to my wife after walking in the door.  My connect, I plan to tell him I QUIT, if and when he calls me, haven't heard from him in over a week....you think I should call him instead?..  Your probably right...

[kyle505]

Please, please prove me wrong.
Now look at what's going on in your recovery - pills keep popping up. And you haven't flushed the ones you have even though several folks have suggested that you do so.
l know it's hard. As I've said before, when we dance with the devil, or chase the dragon, we all eventually have to pay, either with extreme loss, with our lives, or with detox hell.
Get rid of your sources. Get your wife and other that you can trust involved; tell them everything. And get to aftercare, NA meetings. When you go, you have to find one that works for you, where you're comfortable. If you don't want to talk for a while, the good groups understand that. You will find one that works, then get a sponsor.
Again, I can't tell you how much I'd like it if you proved me wrong. Let's see what happens. Keep posting.
K