Relapse After Withdrawal

[SecondBySecond]

BACKGROUND: So...After many years of scouring the internet I have decided to post.  I have been using opiates for many years now.  I started off by abusing scripts or Vic/Norco that I would receive legitimately for various reasons.  At little over four years ago now, a friend of a friend had me try a 10mg Oxy, he crushed it and wanted me to snort it, I did so.  That was all it took.  I was immediately hooked.  Throughout the course of that night I probably snorted 8 10mg oxys, not even knowing what they were.  I just knew I felt great, ended up staying up all night that first night.  After that I started using on the weekends for a few months, at which point 20mg of oxy snorted would have me feeling great.  It slowly progressed over months until I was using everyday.  Throughout my using career I tried pretty much every opiate, Vic's, Norcos, Methadone, Morphine, Somas, MS. Contin, you name it.  Oxy was always my favorite.  By this point my wife was starting to notice something was up, money was missing, I would leave at odd times for hours to go get pills, and have stupid excuses.  Also the crushable form of Oxy was becoming hard to come by. I finally confessed to her.  After confessing I quit cold turkey, went through hell, it was the worst.  After this first detox I thought, I beat this, I am a bad ***, I deserve a reward, so within a week I was using again.  I ended up using again for about a year or more, wife caught me again.  Now this time, I went and saw a DR. and was put on suboxone and then subutex.  I stayed on the subutex for a year, was doing well.  One day someone gave me a pain pill, Roxy 30mg, I held it for weeks.  Then one day after being on the Subutex for a year, I thought, Hmmm.. I'm on a pretty low dose of Subutex, maybe half a milligram, I wonder if I will feel this Roxy.  I took it, I felt it but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be because of the Subs.  I immediately called my old hook up, and it was on.  I had/have a steady supply of 80mg oxy Ops.  My hook up lives right by me and only sells to me, so I have access to his entire script every month.  He does not work so he will meet me ANY time I call.  So they are OPs but I started chewing them.  First it was one 80, then two 80s at a time, then I was taking 2 80s in the morning, 2 80s around lunch and 1 80 in the evening, so I got up there.  I still had/have the subutex at this time so I used it as a crutch, meaning I would use heavy for a week or two, then get on the subs at a low dose for a few days, ween myself down, start back on the oxy.  I have done this for exactly a year this month.  Now here I am, my wife called me out AGAIN and I quit Cold Turkey again on October 4th, 2013.....it is now Oct, 22nd.  I am doing a lot better.  I was bed ridden for 3/4 days, slept maybe 4 hours over the course of the entire first week.  Right after the first week I started sleeping again and my RLS went away, so it was a real hard 2-4 days followed by some sleepless nights and RLS.  As of now I have been having anxiety and a lack of motivation, but all in all not too bad, 200% better than I was two weeks ago.  So here's me question.

QUESTION:  On about the 4th day of my detox, I went and got 4 80mg ops, but I did not take them, old habits I guess.  My hookup kept calling me, he made it so easy, so I caved and bought the 4 pills.  So, needless to say they are burning a hole in my pocket.  So today, after 18+ days Opiate free I took one 80 mg OP.  I know I know I'm kicking myself.  Now I am hoping someone with experience can answer this.  Will this relapse of 1 80mg OP, when I usually take up to 5 in a day, but usually 3-4, cause me to go back into withdrawal?  My wife will kill me if I'm back in bed tomorrow!!..  I am so ashamed and mad at myself.  Any one with a similar experience or insight?

[bear_necessities]

Flush those pills and tell your hook up you are DONE!  You should be alright on the physical part but as long as you have the pills the mental aspect will whoop your butt!  You got to unburden yourself and this website is the perfect way to accomplish that. When you feel you need to get something off your chest just post it. One of these fantastic people will be by shortly to help you out! Again, FLUSH THOSE PILLS! Good luck to you!

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks..I appreciate the input..You are right, I must get rid of the pills now, they are still in my pocket.  I had been taking them to work with me everyday, "just in case"...I know, just in case what?  Just in case I needed to take a pill at some point...it has been my way of coping for many years...You are right, I do need aftercare, and I need to learn new coping skills.  The main reason I had not entered treatment in the past is money reasons.  I am the bread winner for a family of 6...Worried I wouldn't make it, worried I would lose my job.....but I have finally come to the realization that the rest of my life is more important than a job, more important than money....
Thanks again for taking the time to reply and give me the insight you have.  This is the first time, since being addicted, I have spoke talked about this with anyone.  I appreciate it.

[tooter212]

Or tell him; you will tell your wife. I promise he won't want to hear that!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sonrissa]

Ha tooter! Now that is some great advice!

[ROSYouralright]

I think you will be ok but you MUST cut your source and stay away,from them at all costs! As you can see if you have them your going to take them! That is how it goes. Also have you thought about aftercare? GETTING CLEAN IS EASY...STAYING CLEAN IS WHERE THE BATTLE BEGINS.!

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks again...appreciate it