Relapse After Withdrawal

[SecondBySecond]

BACKGROUND: So...After many years of scouring the internet I have decided to post.  I have been using opiates for many years now.  I started off by abusing scripts or Vic/Norco that I would receive legitimately for various reasons.  At little over four years ago now, a friend of a friend had me try a 10mg Oxy, he crushed it and wanted me to snort it, I did so.  That was all it took.  I was immediately hooked.  Throughout the course of that night I probably snorted 8 10mg oxys, not even knowing what they were.  I just knew I felt great, ended up staying up all night that first night.  After that I started using on the weekends for a few months, at which point 20mg of oxy snorted would have me feeling great.  It slowly progressed over months until I was using everyday.  Throughout my using career I tried pretty much every opiate, Vic's, Norcos, Methadone, Morphine, Somas, MS. Contin, you name it.  Oxy was always my favorite.  By this point my wife was starting to notice something was up, money was missing, I would leave at odd times for hours to go get pills, and have stupid excuses.  Also the crushable form of Oxy was becoming hard to come by. I finally confessed to her.  After confessing I quit cold turkey, went through hell, it was the worst.  After this first detox I thought, I beat this, I am a bad ***, I deserve a reward, so within a week I was using again.  I ended up using again for about a year or more, wife caught me again.  Now this time, I went and saw a DR. and was put on suboxone and then subutex.  I stayed on the subutex for a year, was doing well.  One day someone gave me a pain pill, Roxy 30mg, I held it for weeks.  Then one day after being on the Subutex for a year, I thought, Hmmm.. I'm on a pretty low dose of Subutex, maybe half a milligram, I wonder if I will feel this Roxy.  I took it, I felt it but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be because of the Subs.  I immediately called my old hook up, and it was on.  I had/have a steady supply of 80mg oxy Ops.  My hook up lives right by me and only sells to me, so I have access to his entire script every month.  He does not work so he will meet me ANY time I call.  So they are OPs but I started chewing them.  First it was one 80, then two 80s at a time, then I was taking 2 80s in the morning, 2 80s around lunch and 1 80 in the evening, so I got up there.  I still had/have the subutex at this time so I used it as a crutch, meaning I would use heavy for a week or two, then get on the subs at a low dose for a few days, ween myself down, start back on the oxy.  I have done this for exactly a year this month.  Now here I am, my wife called me out AGAIN and I quit Cold Turkey again on October 4th, 2013.....it is now Oct, 22nd.  I am doing a lot better.  I was bed ridden for 3/4 days, slept maybe 4 hours over the course of the entire first week.  Right after the first week I started sleeping again and my RLS went away, so it was a real hard 2-4 days followed by some sleepless nights and RLS.  As of now I have been having anxiety and a lack of motivation, but all in all not too bad, 200% better than I was two weeks ago.  So here's me question.

QUESTION:  On about the 4th day of my detox, I went and got 4 80mg ops, but I did not take them, old habits I guess.  My hookup kept calling me, he made it so easy, so I caved and bought the 4 pills.  So, needless to say they are burning a hole in my pocket.  So today, after 18+ days Opiate free I took one 80 mg OP.  I know I know I'm kicking myself.  Now I am hoping someone with experience can answer this.  Will this relapse of 1 80mg OP, when I usually take up to 5 in a day, but usually 3-4, cause me to go back into withdrawal?  My wife will kill me if I'm back in bed tomorrow!!..  I am so ashamed and mad at myself.  Any one with a similar experience or insight?

[ImDONENoMore]

I don't think it will put you back into full withdrawals but you HAVE to get rid of the remaining pills or you'll take them. I promise you, you will take them.

Get back on the horse and focus on your goal; getting clean.  Don't wallow in this one misstep... just keep going.

Btw, welcome to the site.  :)

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks...I appreciate the feedback...Personally I don't have much support, no one to talk to, so this helps.  So not full withdrawals you think?  I'm super paranoid I am going to be laid out.  You are right, I need to flush the rest of the pills....because I will take them.....and even if I think I will not, it still makes no sense to have them, however you look at it....again, thank you for taking the time to respond.

[Sonrissa]

Hi there, and welcome to the forum. As far as your question goes, I don't really know if taking 1 pill will put you back into withdrawals. You may have some mild symptoms, but I don't think severe enough to put you back in bed.

More importantly, what did you do with the rest of the pills? Still burning a hole in your pocket?  You need to get rid of them, like flushing them down the toilet, or they will be burning a hole in your stomach. If you are serious about quitting, and I'm not sure you really are, you will have to cut ties with your "hookup"! Tell him you have quit. Put distance between you, even if you have to move! Also, you will need to get in some kind of aftercare program like counseling, meetings, etc. You must make permanent changes to your circumstances. Otherwise, as you have seen, you will continue on this roller coaster, and it will have a negative impact on your marriage. I think you may be starting to realize this. How much is getting and staying clean worth to you? Hope you stay around and keep posting. Lots of advice and support here. Good luck.

[ImDONENoMore]

You'll find a lot of support, information, and encouragement here, so it's great you found your way to this forum.  And sonrissa's right - GET RID OF THOSE PILLS.  You've made the decision to get clean, so you don't need them.  You don't want them, and they will drive you crazy just knowing they are in your possession.  I know what I'm talking about here.  Get rid of them.

And keep posting.  Better to talk about how you're feeling than covering it up with a pill, and you know that already or you wouldn't be here.  :)

[tooter212]

tell this guy if he so much as calls you, you'll call the cops and put a sign in the front yard saying there is a drug dealer in the neighborhood!! And when you get to feeling better, kick his ***!!!! Hang in there, you can do it!!!

[bear_necessities]

Flush those pills and tell your hook up you are DONE!  You should be alright on the physical part but as long as you have the pills the mental aspect will whoop your butt!  You got to unburden yourself and this website is the perfect way to accomplish that. When you feel you need to get something off your chest just post it. One of these fantastic people will be by shortly to help you out! Again, FLUSH THOSE PILLS! Good luck to you!

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks..I appreciate the input..You are right, I must get rid of the pills now, they are still in my pocket.  I had been taking them to work with me everyday, "just in case"...I know, just in case what?  Just in case I needed to take a pill at some point...it has been my way of coping for many years...You are right, I do need aftercare, and I need to learn new coping skills.  The main reason I had not entered treatment in the past is money reasons.  I am the bread winner for a family of 6...Worried I wouldn't make it, worried I would lose my job.....but I have finally come to the realization that the rest of my life is more important than a job, more important than money....
Thanks again for taking the time to reply and give me the insight you have.  This is the first time, since being addicted, I have spoke talked about this with anyone.  I appreciate it.

[tooter212]

Or tell him; you will tell your wife. I promise he won't want to hear that!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sonrissa]

Ha tooter! Now that is some great advice!

[ROSYouralright]

I think you will be ok but you MUST cut your source and stay away,from them at all costs! As you can see if you have them your going to take them! That is how it goes. Also have you thought about aftercare? GETTING CLEAN IS EASY...STAYING CLEAN IS WHERE THE BATTLE BEGINS.!

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks again...appreciate it

[Sonrissa]

We completely understand. Lots of folks here have been in your situation. There is a way out! Keep posting and getting support. Feel free to let it all hang out.

Oh, by the way, AA/NA meetings are free.

[SecondBySecond]

Sounds good!!!....:-)

[SecondBySecond]

Your right....I need to cut him off...tired of giving this guy hundreds of dollars a week....he can go get a real job....I'm done supporting him!!!

[killerwds]

If you can't flush them yourself..give them to your wife and say you found an old stash if you can't tell her the truth.  The burden of having them will weigh on your mind and in the wee hours of the night will crush you.
You may experience some mild wds....but that can happen at your stage even if you hadn't taken the 1 pill.

Good Luck and Stay strong you are through the worst of it.

P.S.  Giving the pills to your wife to flush may also show her you are serious. - Shrug

[SecondBySecond]

Your right, and thanks!  I really appreciate everyone's positivity.  This is the most support I have ever had...  Thanks to everyone who took time out of their life to help me with mine, for that I am grateful.  I do need to find an NA meeting ASAP.  As you said, I to am VERY stubborn.  I let my pride get in the way for so long!..  I have always been independent, been on my own since a teen, never asked a family member or friend for help with anything... But now, I have realized addiction is bigger than me, it is more than I can handle on my own.  Before I would never admit to being addicted, never admit to, heaven forbid, ask for help...the kind of guy that would live on the street before asking for help.....but things change, people change, I have changed.

[Sonrissa]

There ya go! You are starting on the right path! Now, about those extra pills! Do I hear a toilet flushing?

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks...I have had that thought swirling in my mind since I got them, give them to my wife, show her you mean business!...Then the addiction says "You paid good money for those, your just going to throw them out?"  In reality, I know I must get rid of them.  In reality I know that the money I spent on those 4 pills is nothing compared to what I have, and will spend, if I continue on this deadly path.  I hate that I ever tried oxy!  I should have known better.. Addiction runs in my family.  Every SINGLE drug/mild altering substance I have ever tried I formed a habit with!  I couldn't stop using nasal spray decongestant for over a year, for crying out loud!..lol..
But at least lately my rational mind has been standing up to the addict in me more and more...  I know what is right, and what must be done...I need to put it to work!..my life depends on it!...Thanks again!

[SecondBySecond]

:-) The toilet has yet to flush...I am driving home from work at the moment.  I plan to get rid of them when I get home...either flush them or hand over to my wife?

[SecondBySecond]

Question...How does one get involved at an NA meeting.  I went once before, sat through a meeting, no one acknowledged me or said a word to me.  The meeting ended, I went home never to return.  

[clean_in_ks]

Change is GOOD......nothing changes until SOMETHING changes.

We're pretty much gonna nag ya until we here the flusher ya know?  LOL
Or the garbage disposal will work, too :)

We coach a lot of peeps into the flushing ritual around here....and when you become willing to TOTALLY let go...and say goodbye....you'll be ANXIOUS to flush them.
I begged my hubby to get them outta the house the VERY NIGHT I quit....he was pooped, so he waited until the next morning to do that for me.
I wanted and needed ZERO temptation.....

But just remember, we have no need for a back up plan if we are TRULY done~

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks!..And I appreciate the nagging, I need it.  You are right, there is absolutely no need to have them!....originally I thought, "let's see how strong you really are, let's see if you can keep yourself from taking them!"  Obviously that was a stupid train of thought.  In reality I see now it was just the addiction saying "keep them around in case you NEED them!" NEED THEM?...lol...
No one has ever died from not taking opiates...they are not required to live!..lol
Thanks again for your insight and input...I appreciate it!

[SecondBySecond]

Thanks...just getting this stuff off my chest helps...talking to people instead of arguing with myself...lol