SCARED! Did something REALLY stupid

[Sad_Woman]

Hello

I am an oxy addict and have been one for three years. Started them for legit pain (fibro and back problems) but got addicted. Tried quitting a few times but relapsed. Started suboxone about 6 months ago and at first it was great because I was out of crazy active addiction. Well, here's the thing. 3 months ago I decided to go see another doctor and get oxys. Yes, at the same time I'm seeing the sub doctor too. My rationale was that with being on sub (which does nothing for pain) I could get oxys and get a little pain relief (and a buzz, gotta be honest here). Well, thats what I've been doing. I take less sub then I'm prescribed. (prescribed 8 mgs a day but I take 4) and I also do oxy most days. When I pee dirty (which is often, not always but often) at the sub dr's I tell him I had a lot of pain that week so I did a few oxys. Although he's not pleased with it he doesn't make a huge deal and has never asked me where I get the oxys and I never told him obviously. And when I do pee tests at the oxy doctor the sub for some reason never shows up. I guess they don't test for it. Well today I went in to see the oxy doctor (I go once a month) and he says he has a concern...he asks me if I've had urine tests done anywhere else. I lie and say no. I'm shaking trying not to have a full blown panic attack right there and then. I live in Canada and we have a universal health care system so when he went to bill for my urine analysis it came back rejected. He says to me that tells him I've had pee tests done else where. All the while I'm trying to stay calm. My thoughts are racing. He ends up giving me my script but tells me he's going to look into it. Now I'm sitting here a nervous wreck. What can happen to me?? I'm obviously not going back to the oxy doctor anymore and I'm supposed to see the sub doctor and now I'm afraid to go there. I am disgusted with myself. I'm so scared. Although it's not as bad as getting 5 different oxy scripts from 5 different doctors, it's still not allowed to get sub and oxy from two different doctors. I'm kicking myself big time. I have been laying awake at night lately thinking, dammit I just want to be off all opiates. It's just so damn hard, sub does nothing for pain but I know I can't just take oxy because I could never stay in my prescribed dose. And now I'm so scared. I'm so pissed off at myself. How could I be so stupid. I don't know what to do. Like I said I'm supposed to see the sub doctor tommorow and I'm afraid to go. Maybe I should just try and taper down with what I have. I want to be DONE with this crap. Does anyone know what can happen to me? I'm so scared. Man, did I ever **** this up! Please, I need some advice quick. I don't want to get in trouble. I'm not a bad person, I got addicted to oxys, I never meant to. I never wanted to. For whatever reason it seemed like a good idea at the time..now I see it was the most incredibly idiotic thing. But my addiction told me hey look, you can be on sub and now you don't need as much oxy. Honestly compared to before when i was running around buying pills, running out, and all the crazy **** it is better now. I don't take much oxy but of course on sub I'm not supposed to take ANY. Please help me out here. I know what I did was dumb but I'm ready to be done with it all. I want to get off both sub and oxy. I can't believe I have put myself in this position. I'm scared ******** and am really hating myself and my stupidity right now. Please, I need some input, some advice. What should I do??

[mebroken]

:) glad i got you to smile! and even more importantly you saw a mental picture of the real you and how awesome you will be looking in future when all this horrible stuff is out of your life.
yes, get some sleep. tomorrow is big day- you get to stop hiding and living in fear and tell the truth...and then start the process to get out of all this.  the sub doctor might surprise you by wanting to help you, who knows? but either way if you really WANT out, you WILL get there, with or without his help. it is all about deciding that you want with every cell in your being to be off drugs- your real life back.

good night sad- woman (and i hope one day you'll need to change your name here to happy-woman...wouldn't that be lovely?)
i'll be looking for your post tomorrow!

[Sad_Woman]

mebroken, That was the funniest post ever!! For the first time in two days I smiled!!! And I actually had a mental picture of myself in the future looking great and writing that note. Yes, I am seeing that this is a blessing in disguise. Albeit a very scary disguise and I'm just praying it goes as well as it can go. Well I have not slept in 2 days now so I'm going to try and get a few hours before I have to deal with this. Thank you again me broken, you really lifted my spirits. :) I'll update tommorow. Please pray for me.

[mebroken]

please stop worrying! the police are not gonna be knocking at your door. and even if they did- what can they do? ya know how to play dumb? ever taken a acting class? "why whatever is the problem officer?" *bat eyelashes and smile* "why yes i do have two doctors- one is my back doctor and one is my stomach doctor" (or whatever 2 issues you have) *look confused* "yes they both write me prescriptions- one is for my terrible crushed back from the accident and the other is totally different type of problem with my poor stomach pain" *wince, look in pain* "i don't understand why you are asking about this, doesn't everyone have specialists for different health issues they have? like you wouldn't go to an eye doctor for a foot problem" *giggle, look cute* "huh? how can that possibly be illegal? are you telling me i have to give up getting treated for one of my serious health problems? huh? like i have to choose or something which issue is worst and only go to one doctor? ya'll are confusing and upsetting me" *fill eyes with tears*  (if you are not blonde maybe dye your hair tonight). lolol. get it? hey i'm just trying to make you smile a little and stop stressing out. whatever happens tomorrow at sub doctor office happens and it will be really in your best interest for your goal of getting away from all this junk. sometimes things happen for a reason and one day maybe you'll look back at this thread and sigh, remembering how stressed and crazy your life was 'back then' and how calm and truly happy you are 'now' that you have been off all drugs for a long time. maybe even you'll send that oxy doc a little note letting him know that his actions caused you to change the destructive path you were on and prolly saved your life. *picture yourself all serene, centered, healthy, and in control of your life* yeah you have to go through the torture of detox and the blahs afterwards to get to that wonderful place...but it is so worth it. you are worth it. you CAN do it. don't 'hope' it works out- make it happen. you don't ever have to be in this position again. it is up to you and only you. be strong. detox and get out. k? :)

[irishann]

Don't beat yourself up...you aren't a bad person...you aren't yourself and that is the drugs...obviously...that sounded stupid, I just want you to know that maybe in some weird way this is a good thing...I used to be terrified when I would call for my refills and the nurse would say my doctor wanted to see me first. Yikes! I used to doctor shop, buy s*** on line, crap pills for hundreds of dollars...please don't think you are a heel or a piece of s***. Just know whatever happens..everyone here is on your side! We will help u!

[Sad_Woman]

Anj, thank you. Wow, that's great that you saw the problem coming before it ever became a big problem. I'll bet it felt pretty damn good when you tore up that script. I wish I had done that..I would have saved myself an enormous amount of heartache. You know I kept saying to myself *no more, this is the last time I go* but the damn addict in me "one more time.." Yeah I one-more-timed myself into a boatload of crap. I hated what I was doing--yet was too afraid to let go of the script. I wish I had been brave like you. Now I have to do it, and not just because I got caught - but because this is no way to live. I want a chance at a better life, I really do. But I hate the voice that tells me I'll be miserable without opiates. Insane because really I'm miserable WITH them. I barely get a buzz, it's all in my head. I think I NEED them to do normal stuff like clean the house or do laundry. Without my pills seemingly routine tasks seem impossible for me to start. The pills were my motivation--until they weren't my motivation anymore. They sucked the damn life outta me. Well I can really see how this will be a blessing in disguise. To be honest I'm not even bothered that I won't be getting any more oxy. I'm relieved I won't be. This forces me to let go. Maybe now I can do what I really wanted to before I screwed up and got on oxys again, get off em for good! But I know what lies ahead. I've detoxed before several times. I felt so empty inside and when I wasn't empty I was a basketcase. But I guess it doesn't help to worry about down the road, I'm having a hard enough time dealing with the here and now. If my sub doc does keep me--which is slim chance--I want to taper off in a few months. For once I need to do this properly. Get therapy etc and frickin well do it right. Again, thank you to all of you for helping me through this and gain perspective. I'm still scared ******** but I'll do the right thing and fess up and update tommorow. Anyone else who's been in my position, please tell me what happened to you. I was freaking out all day..every time the phone rang I was sure it was the police calling me..every time I heard a sound outside my door again I thought oh God they're here for me! Talk about paranoid. I just hope it all works out somehow.

[Iwantanewlifenow]

Keep wanting those days...keep thinking of better times ahead...you do not need to be a slave to some bottle of pills...It ,ost likely will get worse before it gets better...but there is light at the end of the tunnel:)