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Avatar universal

Scared, but don't have a choice, here we go

Well, here goes nothing, I'm all out of pills with no way to get them, having taken my last pills bout 2am, been almost 12 hrs and just starting to feel some of those hot flashes, hot/cold sweats, my mouth gets a weird taste, like makes me crave real bad For some reason, more so than any of the other symptoms of wd, anyway, I smoke pot, not sure if I should or not but I have smoked since I was 13, so 20 yrs now, pretty consistently, anyway, have to work mon, so hopefully I won't be a ****** mess the day I have to work, more worried bout that then anything really.  I just finished a job and they are already requesting me for more work, I can't afford to passion work, cuz my job is feast or famine, and if u pass on work, u kinda get dropped to the bottom of the call list.  I'm still tryn to get some today if I can, just to help me through my work, anyway, might not have a choice.  Here goes.....
19 Responses
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271792 tn?1334979657
I totally understand hun. But you can't use drugs forever. At some point you have to give it up or it will kill you and I don't think you want to die. I think you don't want to deal with your feelings so you numb them. Been there. Done that. It works for a while and then it stops working. For me every time I use I get locked up in some place or another whether it be jail or treatment or some institution. I don't want that life anymore and I work hard to hang on to my sobriety.

I hope this is the end for you and you stay clean. I'm glad you found your way here. Keep talking--it really does help.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
How many did u do a day?
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
I don't understand? You are in the process of trying to get some pills or do you want to stop? If you have decided that you want to stop, you've come to the right place. Let us know and we can support you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
12 - 16 10mg norcs for bout last year and a half.  And in terms of gettin clean, I want to, but I don't, I know they aren't good for me, I'm just super depressed, lost my best friend last year of half my life suddenly and just have no drive at life since he died, and Plz yes I know that he would want me to do what's right for me and all that good stuff, but he ain't here.  My only drivein life is to work to pay bills and support my pill habit, but I'm def to happy, I don't want to keep taking them but I don't want to stop either, I'm ****** up I know.  When I'm not working it's hard to do laundry, and if I do, it's hard to want to follow through and fold it.... I'm a mess, and I really don't want to see a therapist, tried that once....sad as it may sound I just want to give up at times, dont see the point anymore
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
And I posted my situation earlier but I suppose I could repost it
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know all about numbing feelings of pain/heartache. Been doing it for 3 yrs. But when do u decided to deal w it. Cause it don't go away so now I look crazy still dealing w something everyone else has made peace w.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well I haven't been to any type of institution, hope I never have too, and like u say, they are no longer doing it, and there's more I could go on about, what's happened since his passing, and how encompassing all that's happened since then really makes me feel pretty hopeless, I don't think most people had a friendship similar to ours, and not havin him around is like I guess what it might be like to lose a spouse of 16 yrs/half ur life.  Not saying that makes it ok...  Just lost, like what I do, make decent money, but other than that I just kinda sit around when I'm not working
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
Money can't buy peace of mind. I guess you know that.

Grief is an individual thing. There is no right or wrong way to do it. But numbing those feelings isn't helping either.

A very smart lady told me this and I know it helps if you can do it. Celebrate his life--don't mourn his death. There must have been good times and funny times and even sad times. Those are memories to hold on to. Don't bury those. They are too important.

Have you considered grief counseling? It is just a suggestion but I think it would do you good to get it all out either in private or in a group. I think you owe it to yourself to try. And yes I will say it--he would not want to see you like this.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ur def right, reading ur pot makes me cry, I just miss him soo much, it's hard to celebrate life, I don't know how to do these things alone, kinda did everything together, worked together, guess imjust makin excuses, just hurts , dunno what to say, maybe ur right bout the gc, but I'm not good at sharing in person with strangers
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
The thing about group is that they are really not strangers. They are people who share your feelings and thoughts and pain. It's okay to hurt honey. It's not okay to self-medicate to cover it.

Until you are ready to talk in a group or in private why don't you stay right here. This is a great place for support and the members will help you get through this. Please stick around.
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Avatar universal
Thx, I want to stop, just not cold turkey, at least have the option to taper, I've quit lorcets cold turkey like a decade ago, cuz I knew I was getting out of control, life is different now, things are different
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
Well you're 10 years older, so that has something to do with it.  Believe me, I KNOW, I remember those days of having various procedures done, getting narcotics and stopping them when the prescription was done without any problem at all.  10 years later though?  WHOLE different situation.

If you have the help to taper, that's great.  Good luck to you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ya, true that, def but, wasn't a script then either, bought bunches of lorcets for myself and some buddies, always recreational, street market user
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
I hear what you're saying - and actually not sure if my post read correctly, but I was saying I could relate - it was over 10 years for me too.

I'm sorry about the loss of your best friend.  I can't imagine what you're going through.  I'm sorry you're going through that.   You never forget losses like that, but time helps with the healing process.
Helpful - 0
2122807 tn?1560619706
Hey friend,
Been there, I know how it is.
Lost a lot, and I can totally relate.

Thing is, the pills just prolong everything.

Best gift you can give yourself is to quit, trust me, I been there.

I had to taper for my job, but if I had to do it all over I would have just quit CT! The taper just prolongs the mental side of it, which is worse than the physical.

My advise is to jump off now. If you can't, then taper, but get off it now, before you ruin another decade of your life, like i did.

we will guide you thru it, we will support you, you have friends in us here.

hugs,
Lily
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i failed, couldnt find the courage, i truly have pain, but i def abuse my meds, but when im not working im paralyzed, cant seem to pullmyself out of my rut.  and seems like "friends" arent what i thought they were, feeling more and more alone.  i just sit in my dark room on my days off for the most part on the computer with the tv on.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
The courage may find you. Didn't come here by accident. I've had ton find the courage again. I relapsed after being clen for over 100 days starting over.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
true, im close, i know i am, im just not quite ready yet to stop, i need to have some kind of structure when im not working, just the crohn's takes all my energy, and find myself just wanting to relax when i dont work
v
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Great, work called today to confirm that I had valid passport and when it expired , means more work outside the country, just when I'm running out again, thought I was not gonna have any issues getting my pills, and knowing my luck I'm gonna get a call for work just as I run out
Helpful - 0
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