Sins of my father

[sphynxs]

I'm sitting here listening to my kids play and laugh, and it makes me jealous. I miss those days.... Ya know, the days when all you had to worry about was what you were gonna do on sat and sun. I look at my kids and hope that the sins of their father don't ever come back to haunt them. The sins of my father have haunted me my whole life. I've been trying to not follow in his footsteps. Because I'm an addict, I consider myself selfish. Do I give my kids everything they need and want? Yes. But I was killing myself, and what my kids need the most is their father to live a long life so that they have guidance that I never did. My father died when I was 10. Destroyed my childhood. Haunts me to this day. I took his death hard and blamed my mother for years for divorcing him. I made peace with my mother as I became a man. I got married, had kids, bought a house, making great money.... Living the American dream. Untill the last two years. All in two years tirme...I lost my mother to cancer. My Grandparents to old age and heart attacks. My wife's mother to a surgery related death, and her husband committed suicide shortly after. My wife's Grandparents to old age. My best friend and brother from another mother in a motorcycle crash. Then my job! Not because of me, but the economy. Then came the divorce. "When poverty moves in love moves out", my dad used to say that. So in two years time, I lost everything I was comfortable with. Now I sit here, a shell of the man I used to be. But in front of my kids, I put on a smile and pretend everything is ok. How long do you think I can keep that up? I don't want them to worry. It's not for them to worry about such things. But I fear that if I don't get out of this rut I'm in, they will eventually see me for who I truly am. A broken man. They look up to me and I don't want that to ever change. Is there anyone in this same position? Am I alone in this world? I don't know how much longer I can fool my children.
John

[sphynxs]

Hey bro, the first 5-6 days is the worst of it. You can do it. Think of the kids man. That's how I get through each day. I pretended to have the flu for a few days and then as I started to get better I started taking vitamins. Drinking Vitamin Water. I just learned that opiates eat away the potassium in you bones which is why your legs will hurt so much. So eat bananas, or take a multi vitamin. Drink lots of water. Eat even if you don't want to. You'll need your strength to get through. Find a way to sleep. As for the job thing, man I'm sorry. You'll find something. What state do you live in? I'm in southwest florida, one of the worst economical areas in the country right now. After I finish Chef school, I will be moving. Not sure where yet. Maybe a move is what you need. It's your life.Take control of it and don't look back. Keep me informed.

[witsend0603]

LOL... thanks for the ego boost.. I will be back on later but gotta go pick up my son from school right now.. then it's back home to see if I can start on this disaster of a house... lol.. cya

[sphynxs]

Well I'd let you punch on me. I'm sure you are a great mother and wife.... If you weren't marrried, you'd be my kinda woman. LOL. I just cleaned the house yesterday for the first time. It was rough, but had to be done. If I can do it, so can you. I believe in you. I will try to help with that pink cloud dillema. K?

[I_Wanna_Win]

Brother, we appear to be alike in many ways. You are ahead of me in the transformation as I am in day 2, again. Never made it past a week or so. So many horrible things happened to me including death, divorce, losing so much. Just lost my job last week, have to move out of state which is probably a good thing get away from where I am comfortable getting them. Anyway I have a lot of the same feelings you do it appears. How long until our children see thru us? or anyone for that matter. I was 10mg Hydro's for 9 years straight, last 4 being the worse of course. I feel horrible today, yet I am hopeful I can get back to sobriety. I know the rest of my life will take work, but I also know it WILL NOT happen on these pills. The battle appears to rage on for us. I do not know you, but I can sure appreciate what you have to say, how you feel - and so on. I can barely stay out of the BR long enough to walk to my front door. I cant sleep at ALL and I have zero appetite. Stinks, I know.

[witsend0603]

LOL... maybe I should start boxing.. but don't think my husband would appreciate the punches..lol... good way to get out the frustrations though I guess ... I don't think I even have the energy to think about activity right now... as they say my pink cloud has dissapeared... I feel like a horrible wife and mother.. I can't seem to get off my butt and do anything around the house and it just keeps getting behind.... ughhhhhh

[sphynxs]

awwww, I'm sweet? LOL. I box. that's how I vent. im 19 days clean now.

[witsend0603]

You are very sweet... but don't you need to vent too.. I mean if I read correctly aren't you just starting out as well...

[sphynxs]

I got knocked off too. I will take anything you want to dish out. You can use me anyway you need to.

[witsend0603]

Thank you so much..lol... I can really blame you?  wow that's a new one.. sorry it took so long to answer you back.. got knocked off the site and couldn't get back on for a while.. but I'm back now.. so ... You really must be a good listener if you are willing to take that kind of abuse..lol..

[sphynxs]

Well if the nyquill works. Stay with it. Do whatever you need to do to get rest. Insomnia is the worst. But guess what? You are not alone during the day now. I'll be on here everyday. Trust that. I need this as much as you do. Vent to me. Call me names! Blame me! Whatever makes you feel better. I can take the abuse. LOL. I'm here for ya.

John

[sphynxs]

Thank you. I just speak my mind and heart.

[OIFMc09]

Great post John.  One of the best I've ever read on here.

[witsend0603]

Got it .. tried it... not working... about the only thing that will knock me out at this point is Nyquil... without the tylenol in it of course.. I found a generic brand that has the anti-histamine but not the tylenol.. so I'm using that at the moment.. days are the worst though... my husband and also a friend of ours started this journey together over a week ago and husband sleeps during the day and friend works day shift ... so I sit here all day just like staring at the walls and no one to talk to.. that to me is the worst.. my house is a wreck... I can't seem to get myself up and going at all in the mornings and I just have an overwhelming icky feeling... I guess that's why I said my mind just idles on tabs.. I have no energy and am taking all the vitamins my body can handle at this point but nothing seems to be working... last week was actually a good productive week ... I was so excited that we were all doing this .. I don't know what's been wrong with me the last 2 days.. I just can't seem to get out of this funk I'm in...lol...

[sphynxs]

LOL. I'm glad I can be a "blessing". Never been called that before. What you are saying makes complete sense. I think about snorting a roxy ALL THE TIME. Not now because I need to, but because I miss it. It's been a big part of my life for the past year or so. I was clean for almost 7 years and still managed to find myself becoming addicted again. So don't be ashamed that it only lasted 2 months. Humans are weak in general, and we need to fill voids left by things that happened in our lives, whatever they may be. I will be your rock!!!! As long as you talk to me I won't allow you to use. Metaphorically speaking of course. Sometimes I take like 5-9 tablets of acetametophin (tylenol) just to get that warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach. I'm not suggesting that to you though. That's horrible for your body. But, I'm saying that I relate to the WANT you feel. When I feel that, I usually play a board game or some xbox with my kids. Takes my mind off of things. As for the sleep, for the last two nights I've been taking an herbal sleep aid called malitonin. It's a liquid. I take 4 drop fulls before bed and It seems to let me get at least 6 hours sleep before my restless leg syndrone kicks back in. It only costs 6 bucks. Give it a try.

John

[witsend0603]

OMG... you are a blessing to me today.. you said you were a good listener right?  well I'll tell ya .. today is bad for me cause I am having the mental issues of all this crap... it's like my mind is just idling on Lortabs... like I can't get the thought out of my head ... it's horrible... this is the part that has always been hardest for me... I have quit once before in this last 2 year span of my problem.. that lasted about 2 months and somehow found my way right back to taking them again... I don't know.. last time seemed easier than this.. I feel haunted by this ... but yet can't seem to bring myself to WANT to stop... I know I NEED to but part of me doesn't WANT to .. does that make any sense at all?

[sphynxs]

Thank you. It's good to know I'm not alone with these issues. On top of battling addiction. I'm not sure which came first the problems or the addiction. Why is today a bad day for you? You can vent to me if you need to. My ex always said that being a listener was my best trait. Apparently that wasn't enough. Sounds like we do have alot in common. That's such a relief. Being a single father, I don't have time (or money) for friends or social life. I maybe able to offer you some healthy advice about your sleep problem if you are interested. Keep in touch.
John

[witsend0603]

You definitely are not alone.. I also have been battling this for 2 years.. lots of family issues and other things too.. I also have 2 kids and like you I sit sometimes and look at them and wonder what it is like to be so happy and carefree... I wish I could feel that way again.. right now I don't but maybe someday... economy doesn't help either... money issues are a big concern in this household as well... I am married but he works 3rd shift so I don't see him much until the weekends and even then not much... so I feel like I am doing alot of this on my own... without his help.. he is also trying to quit the pills... problem is he CAN sleep and I can't sooo... anyway.. I completely connected when you talked about your kids.. I have said so many times that I don't want this to affect the choices my kids make later in life and I don't want them to think that mom has a problem.. I also lost my dad at the age of 10... mining accident.. so I understand that part too... wow ... we have alot in common sounds like.. today is a bad day for me so I am sorry if you don't get much encouragement today from me... sometimes on the bad days it's good just to VENT VENT VENT...