Aa
So conflicted on my next steps with tapering :(
Today I just realized something.... When I first started my taper off of 15/Norco day, I was hurting bad. I kept thinking...
"I'm at 6 Norco/day and feel this sh*tty. That's still a pretty high dose. What's wrong withe me? I must be weak. What's going to happen when I hit 3 Norcos/day. What am I going to do when I take the jump to ZERO!?!"
The anxiety was paralyzing at times. The withdrawals were toying with my emotions and burning through my body. Recently I posted a question about Suboxone because I have an entire bottle of it here at home. In between my knee surgeries, my doctor gave it to me to help with the pain. Not knowing what I was doing really... I continued my ongoing 15 Norco/day habit and ON TOP started taking 4mg of Suboxone a day. I didn't realize how potent it was. I mean I had read online that it was strong, but since it didn't give me any sort of high - It seemed sort of "fake" to me... I felt like it was harmless and wouldn't affect me in the long run. I thought my Norco addiction was my only devil. For 2 -3 weeks leading up to my last surgery, I took 4mg of Suboxone everyday. After I had my procedure, I stopped the Suboxone CT. I didn't think a thing of it. Now I wonder if part of my withdrawal symptoms have been because I took this medication. I mean, I quit taking it 3 weeks ago, so maybe now, that too is seeping out of my body. Perhaps I'm wrong - because I only took it for 2 weeks... I just don't know.
So now, on Day 6 of being at 6 Norcos/day - here's where I am:
I got through the entire night without waking up or needing a bath... YES! I think that means I'm heading in the right direction, right? I hope so... I still hurt A LOT in the mornings and off and on throughout the day. I still have lots of cravings... And the anxiety - sometimes I wonder if that will ever go away. but I can deal with it and I got to keep going. Now I need to figure out when I should taper to 5 Norco/day and I'm SO torn what to do.
I just got 2 cortisone shots this morning and was told I'd be in pain for a couple days or so, I also have 3 grueling sessions of physical therapy this week, AND I have to go to a full-weekend function in Pebble Beach for my husband's company on Friday — where I'll have to hob-nob like I'm "normal" with all the executives. UGH!!! Now, I'm thinking I'll do my taper to 5 Norco next Monday instead of this Wednesday as I had planned.
I hope that doesn't make me weak. I hope prolonging the taper for a bit longer than I had planned doesn't mean I'm not committed. I hope I'm not mind-screwing myself to think... "Oh I'll taper later because I can't cope with less Norco this week" I feel like I have genuine reasons to hold off on the next taper. But I also feel like ALL addicts come up with an excuses not to keep pushing through.
I'm disappointed in myself right now. Maybe I should cut down to 5 Norcos on Wednesday regardless of my post-surgery knee pain, regardless of my travel obligations, regardless of the physical therapy. Ugh... I don't know what to do... Haha, I don't know why I'm even posting this... I know my problems are minor to other people's issues. I just needed to VENT. That's all.
I hope you all are having a great day! xoxoxoxo
"I'm at 6 Norco/day and feel this sh*tty. That's still a pretty high dose. What's wrong withe me? I must be weak. What's going to happen when I hit 3 Norcos/day. What am I going to do when I take the jump to ZERO!?!"
The anxiety was paralyzing at times. The withdrawals were toying with my emotions and burning through my body. Recently I posted a question about Suboxone because I have an entire bottle of it here at home. In between my knee surgeries, my doctor gave it to me to help with the pain. Not knowing what I was doing really... I continued my ongoing 15 Norco/day habit and ON TOP started taking 4mg of Suboxone a day. I didn't realize how potent it was. I mean I had read online that it was strong, but since it didn't give me any sort of high - It seemed sort of "fake" to me... I felt like it was harmless and wouldn't affect me in the long run. I thought my Norco addiction was my only devil. For 2 -3 weeks leading up to my last surgery, I took 4mg of Suboxone everyday. After I had my procedure, I stopped the Suboxone CT. I didn't think a thing of it. Now I wonder if part of my withdrawal symptoms have been because I took this medication. I mean, I quit taking it 3 weeks ago, so maybe now, that too is seeping out of my body. Perhaps I'm wrong - because I only took it for 2 weeks... I just don't know.
So now, on Day 6 of being at 6 Norcos/day - here's where I am:
I got through the entire night without waking up or needing a bath... YES! I think that means I'm heading in the right direction, right? I hope so... I still hurt A LOT in the mornings and off and on throughout the day. I still have lots of cravings... And the anxiety - sometimes I wonder if that will ever go away. but I can deal with it and I got to keep going. Now I need to figure out when I should taper to 5 Norco/day and I'm SO torn what to do.
I just got 2 cortisone shots this morning and was told I'd be in pain for a couple days or so, I also have 3 grueling sessions of physical therapy this week, AND I have to go to a full-weekend function in Pebble Beach for my husband's company on Friday — where I'll have to hob-nob like I'm "normal" with all the executives. UGH!!! Now, I'm thinking I'll do my taper to 5 Norco next Monday instead of this Wednesday as I had planned.
I hope that doesn't make me weak. I hope prolonging the taper for a bit longer than I had planned doesn't mean I'm not committed. I hope I'm not mind-screwing myself to think... "Oh I'll taper later because I can't cope with less Norco this week" I feel like I have genuine reasons to hold off on the next taper. But I also feel like ALL addicts come up with an excuses not to keep pushing through.
I'm disappointed in myself right now. Maybe I should cut down to 5 Norcos on Wednesday regardless of my post-surgery knee pain, regardless of my travel obligations, regardless of the physical therapy. Ugh... I don't know what to do... Haha, I don't know why I'm even posting this... I know my problems are minor to other people's issues. I just needed to VENT. That's all.
I hope you all are having a great day! xoxoxoxo
Best Answer
Clean_in_Kansas for the win! haha. I say that because yes, you nailed it. I'm probably not explaining myself as well as I could because I'm, well, going through a rough time and my head is foggy. You are correct after years of recreational abuse of pain killers... I got up to taking 150mg/day when I blew out my knee. And I stayed on that amount through a surgery... and then I added a bunch of Suboxone to the mix when I was still limping around. I was up to almost 40 pills a day just one month ago! And since there are no secrets here, some days I'd take up to 8mg of Suboxone. I'm so STUPID. And that's about 63 Norco pills a day. I can't believe I just wrote that. OMG. I'm shocking myself right now. Not that my behavior is excusable... but my surgeon said my knee had turned to concrete. One of the worst cases of tissue hardening he's seen, and this guy is a pretty famous Ortho who works on the sports teams here in SF. I was spiraling and desperate to escape my hell. I wanted to run away (LITERALLY) from my addiction. But neither my knee or my dependency would let me exercise to heal. As I read this comment, I see how emotional I'm getting... which means I'm no LONGER numb anymore! I would never have spent the day crying over this before. Now I'm a freaking faucet of tears. I don't even get me started on that Clydesdale commercial from the Superbowl last night. Buckets of tears. Anyway, I think I've put my little body through enough and I can maybe just hold strong at 60mg/day for a bit longer. I only weigh 115 pounds... I don't know if that makes a difference in how narcotics affect you. But I think I just need to breathe for a bit.... slow it down... THANK YOU AGAIN!!!! I'm going to go cry over something stupid now like an old photograph or another commercial now ;) xo
Exactly don't even worry about it right now. As long as you're not going up, you are doing great. Think about what you have done, not what you haven't. You are moving in the right direction.
The whole idea of tapering isso you don't put your body into withdrawals, so the slower the better.
Be proud of yourself. You are doing the right thing.
The whole idea of tapering isso you don't put your body into withdrawals, so the slower the better.
Be proud of yourself. You are doing the right thing.
Maybe I'll try that Pat :) It's only Monday.... so maybe by Friday I'll feel ready to take the next taper. I hope so! Thank you.
Thanks Dane! Even if I do keep tapering through everything this weekend... it's refreshing to hear that hey, I can slow it down if I need to... as long as I don't up my dose (which my husband would NEVER let me do)... I didn't think it was so bad. I've been on pills for over 3 years. I've been on LOTS of pills for 8 months. I'm a week into my taper.... there's a lot of damage I've done to my body over the course of 1000+ days on narcotics. I'm only 6 days going off of them. Maybe I just need to quit being so hard on myself :) xo
You saw right! He did give me that news today... thank you for sharing the story about your Dad. And your own personal story... I'm sorry to hear about your illness and what it has done to you. I feel like a dope whining about running. I will adjust to my challenges. Tapering off a long addiction to pills while going through a major injury might not have been the smartest thing I've ever done. But OBVIOUSLY it's not the dumbest. Thanks Barb! I wish you all the best with your business and health :)
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I know your future plans are to go from 6 norcos to 0 and you'd like to be off all narcotics in 2 mos I think you said. But aren't you really just starting the taper now? Seems like you kinda radically JUMPED from 15 to 6 and are now talking of doing a slow taper? Don't know....maybe I didn't get that right.
I think its possible that you are having more pronounced w/drawal symptoms right now because you were on 4 mg of suboxone at the same time you were still taking 15 norcos/day even tho you said you only took that combo for 2-3 wks. You didn't know much about the subs when you were taking them so you didn't know that the suboxone was binding to your pain receptors, therefore blocking most of the effects of those 15 norcos every day. Also, sinced you started asking about subs in the last few days, you have learned the ratio of subs to norcos of 1 mg = 60 mg.
So while you were taking 4 mg subs (240 mg) and 15 norcos (150 mg) you were putting about 390 mg into your body each day!! So that's why I think by stopping the 390 mg and going to 150 mg and now down to 60 mg you are having such a time of it, girl.
Now that you have more information about all this, you can attempt a slow taper and see if that's something you can do. Remember as you do your PT, your shots, your taper and all...that you pain level will not be the same as when you are totally off pain meds for awhile. After my accident and then my following back surgery, my pain actually got WORSE before I finally got off the hydros. It takes time to heal pain receptors and neurotransmitters....as we've been jackin w/ them for a LONG time.
Hope this helps....you definitely have put yourself thru some extremes in the last 6 weeks......give yourself time to level out and heal some.
Have fun in Pebble Beach......soak up some sunshine for me~