Son blames others

[Mom4Peace]

Why does my adult 23 y/o son continue to blame others for his addiction/s? At present time he is on suboxone, and maintaining a drug-free environment. History of drug abuse since he was a teenager. He is in counselling and on probation for past minor criminal activities. He stll lives at home, doesn't save a dime, complains about how nobody does or ever did anything for him. Blames his parents for all his problems. He has been diagnosed in the past when in high school with borderline ADD, PDD, OCD depression/anxiety. At that time he went for therapy for a few months then refused to go anymore, this was before drug addiction began. I am divorced from his dad since 98, and a year later became involved with a man who moved in with us. He passed away in '05. But my son still rants and raves about this man. I must say one thing, that I do regret having ever known this man. BUT, I can't change the past and have had this discussion with both of my children. My daughter has accepted all, not agreed with everything, but has moved on with her life, she is 25.  I have moved on as well, the past was a great lesson for me. My son, uses the past as a weapon.
My son refuses to go for the proper psychiatric therapy that he needs. He claims he doesn't need it. When he was using, he took Xanax ( and addicted to Oxycodone ), self-medicated himself, saying it helps his anxiety, when, in fact, it made him a lunatic. He stole from me, his sister, and other family members. He smashed my bedroom window and broke into my bedroom a few years back. He denied stealing anything and still denies stealing anything.
I've had my son arrested more than once on many occasions just to keep him alive and off drugs. He has been in detox 2x but relapsed both times. It took a long time to get him to a program with Suboxone which really isn't the perfect solution, but it's helping him. BUT, his psyche issues are still there and it seems that he will never grow emotionally or spiritually with his attitude. He knows  but won't admit to us that his addictions are his fault. We're all sick and tired of hearing the blame game and his refusal to accept the fact that he needs psychiatric help.
It's amazing that a sweet, loving, happy smart child who was so close to his parents(until he entered Jr.H.S.) became that monster. I know you will say that the divorce affected him, it affected everyone.
I am a pro RN who has no addictions. His dad, a carpenter, who is a reformed alcoholic. His sister has no addictions.
I was a good mom, I nurtured both my children equally. My son disagrees with that and thinks his sister is the princess, when in fact he has had 4 cars, bought by his paternal grandmother. His dad always gave him everything he asked for because he wasn't able to ever say "NO" to him. I guess both of us have enabled our son in many ways. But when I said no, he always went to his dad and all they do is figh with one another, even until this day. Neither of them have any patience.  I have tried to communicate with him many times, but he won't take any advice from those who love him. His g/f has told me in the past that he does blame himself. So, why does he enjoy screaming at us and continue this blame thing?

[Mom4Peace]

I have considered family counseling as suggested by my daughter. I'm sure his father would be willing too. My son won't go. It seems that denial is just an excuse for him to continue on the path of going nowhere. He is drug-free because he is in a suboxone program with a qualified physician. But the nature of his problems still persists. I just don't understand why he isn't willing to make life better for himself. His dad feels guilty about many things during his own alcohol addiction phase. He's recovered but needs to move on as well. Why do people still need a crutch?

[kolo13]

I agree with all the comments above BUT I have heard it said many times that addiction is a family disease. I think what your son might be trying to say is "It is not JUST me". It can be very difficult to leave the past and move on if things from the past have never been properly dealt with. I wonder if your son would consider family counseling where all issues were fair game? Would you? This might get both of you to the root of the problem.

[LIZZIE LOU]

oh pooh...your son KNOWS that his addiction is his fault...but if he admits it...THEN he wont be able to manipulate everyone into supporting his addiction.  when he accepts responsibility...he wont have an excuse to not straighten his life up.

[Mom4Peace]

You're absolutely right, he has no responsibilty for himself. He's been going for counseling for a few years now. I don't know why he continues this attitude when he knows the truth.
Thank you again. And I do take care of myself. Like any mother, I just wish him the best and hope he finds his way in life to be successful at everything he does.

[dominosarah]

Addicts blame everyone else as that is the nature of the beast.  It doesnt sound like he has really had to accept any responsibility for himself.  He is still living at home and he is 23.  I would really recommend that you get into some type of counseling or Alanon.  You seem to be blaming yourself.  Your sons addiction is not your fault but addiction does affect the whole family.  Please check into that.  You need to take care of you and get yourself healthy.....sara

[gizzy32]

I did a lot of blaming too when I was using, it was everyone's fault but mine. We have to take responsibilty for our own use and once i did that, I started to get better, IT WAS MY FAULT. Your son has no right to do what he has so i won't make any excuses for him. It does sound like this is more than just addiction though. Have you ever heard of alanon or narcanon? Lizzie Lou would be a good person to talk to on this site, she is the mother of 3 addicts and very knowlegable. I wish you the best and hope your son takes responsibility for his own actions. Sometimes tough love is the only way. Good luck, you will get more feedback soon.