Anxiety...Insomnia on day 16!

[Ms_im_doin_it]

what Mdone W\D symptoms are last to go....Insomnia & anxiety...restlessness still creeps up during the day...Ive tried so hard to ignore it....but, It's hard to let go of the shame & forgive your weaknesses reguarding chemical addictions....especially when those around you have judged who they think you were and are....relating to your pre~addiction self (how they precieved us "verses" you in our active addiction and all that term implies! How long did you struggle with the shame of it all? I've felt alot better....but, I still have these moments when I think Im not 100% yet....its a huge downer when that destructive thinking finds it's way into your on schedule mission to be grateful, well  & Deep in recovery! It hits me like a ton of bricks when it hits! I wonder if day 30 will be another great milestone where I can literally see the improvement and the fruits of my addictive labor! or will it take longer for my brain to heal...my soul to forgive...and my spirit to be Free!

[equalizer6837]

The real hard part is the fine line between dealing with the pain as I do and or get relief from it by taking the meds and or getting addicted as I have. So are there alternatives for those who are in severe pain as I and others are from physically abusing our bodies and are bone on bone on ones spine to where specialist say that you are beyond repair?  I still o not have the answer to that but I am off the crap and somehow surviving. It does hurt. But what is the worst hurt? Pain or death by addiction?    Wow I am preaching. But I am clean by mind and body.   OUCH that hurt!    :  ))

[Ms_im_doin_it]

You think! Me too...trying to get well....waking up more each day...dealing with the struggles one day at a time....taking it all in! Thanks for the kind words...they heal...dont they! :) I'll keep you posted friend!
Thanks, April!

[Ms_im_doin_it]

INDEED & AMEN....:) 'Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone' (one of my favorite biblical verses.) People who judge addicts simply don't understand addiction. (Many addicts don't even understand it! Sure took me long enough...) .........I totally get that one too as a matter of fact I've used it as a defense in more ways than one....but, with addiciton its super instructive!  You have such a grasp on getting in the weed's of addiction...you were the first to reach out to me those first days when I was paniced...sick as h***....ready to jump out of my skin! Another great insight of your's Annie...being comfy in my own skin! :) I'm getting there more each day...I'm gonna take your super good advise again and put the shame of all the wasted oppourtunity's and missed chances to stop the madness behind me...the fear of being totally honest combined with the fear of my dad & Brothers judgement of my weaknesses has taken enough of my energy and these days I have NONE TO SPARE...hahaha! :) Thanks again Chic! Your so good at this girl! I'll keep you posted Annie, Hugs April!

[ricart70]

You're doing a great job ! just keep it up and maybe you could try one day back at work and if it doesn't work out you could take a little more time.
Again great job my friend !!    Keep it up.

[Ms_im_doin_it]

Thanks for reminding me...I know your right...its just so hard to remember in the thick of it! But, I promised myself I wouldn't let the negativity consume me another moment...got to get well mentally just wish my dad wasnt driving me nuts reguarding coming back to work @ his office...im just not ready...or am I...cant put it off much longer...thinking the gym could get me there faster...thanks for your thoughts & support! I couldnt have made it to day 16 without all the support & answers I've recieved here! Its a true blessing! Thanks Chic!  :)

[tommygirl74]

Also, now is not the time to dwell on your shame and guilt. Concentrate on healing your body. Don't let those things consume you. You can't change the past and if you move on with your life, the people who love you will see the positive changes in you, they will be happy to have you back and forgive you on their own.

When I tried to talk to my family and friends, most of them said it wasn't necessary, they were just glad that I was alive and healthy.

[tommygirl74]

Hey, my brain is still too scrambled to concentrate enough to read all the comments above, but I did skim thru them and they are all right. It takes time. 16 days is just a drop in the bucket. After spending months or years in a fog, everything seems louder, brighter, scarier... You just have to take it one day, sometimes one minute, at a time.

Now that you are pretty much over the physical w/d, you need to start to surround yourself with sober people, to help you deal with and enjoy life again. Soon, you will notice that your life is returning to "normal."

Try not to isolate yourself, it will only lead you back to using. Stay occupied. An idle mind is the devil's playground...

[kyle505]

OK - everyone's different, but sleep (normal sleep) was one of the last things to return. Three weeks or so. And as far as anxiety, well that creeped in to my days without warning for about a month or so.  
Now, the hard ones - guilt and regret.  After 18 months those are things that I still struggle with, although I'm managing better.  I'm not going to go in to the whole production, but basically I used for over 15 years, the time when my three children were growing up. I missed most of it; I can never get that time back. But - I don't dwell on it and I move forward and make up for the time lost. A few weeks ago I went shoe shopping with my 20 year old daughter. She asked me to go with her. I almost cried.  
Finally, as gnarly said, once an addict always an addict. My cravings never stop, but again, the longer I'm clean the better I manage. Notice I wrote manage, not control. We will never control our addiction.
My clean time has been wonderful. Life clean is so worth it. Hang in there.
K

[digger1976]

I completely agree with Weaver, detox is a selfish game if played correctly. I found myself totally ignoring people for the first few weeks, to pushy and didn't really understand what they were on about, stressing me out. I found this site so helpful, addicts understand it take's baby steps. You have to remember you've been taking opiates for a long time and all your anxiety, emotions, paranoia and stress have been blocked out for so long, they will all come rushing back all at once. This is normal, its your body and mind fighting back for you, everything should start to level off around the 25 day mark and you will feel more able to cope with everything. Remember guard up. Ignore everyone around you who have nothing good or constructive to say, you can start to show them you mean business later on after you have taken care of yourself first. Time is a great healer and your friends and family will come around when you've proven yourself too them by staying clean. Peace will find you soon enough, just don't give up on yourself, you are so worth it my friend....Dig.

[EvolverU]

'Let He Who Is Without Sin Cast The First Stone' (one of my favorite biblical verses.) People who judge addicts simply don't understand addiction. (Many addicts don't even understand it! Sure took me long enough...)

Unfortunately, these types of judgments stop us from admitting our use, asking for & getting help/support & also help to reinforce the already negative self-image/low self-esteem that many of us suffer. For me, I had to try to learn, instead of being ashamed -- (which naturally, happens sometimes.) -- to feel compassion for those who were/are judging me. I found that the closer the person was to me, the harder it was to forgive & be compassionate, consistently. It's a constant process but it's definitely gotten easier. The ultimate goal, as you so cannily observed earlier on your status is to forgive Ourselves! (Still working on this one.) For me, this is all a spiritual exercise. (I think most of the big things in life are anyway.)

I get the general impression from several things you've said in your posts that you're dealing with quite a bit of guilt about your past use & that you've gotten some real judgments about the 'before' & 'after' you. The most constructive thing we can do, I believe, is not to be backwards-facing & full of regret but to try to 'create' something different for ourselves (& those dear to us) in the present moment because the real truth is that's all we actually have! I mean, we can apologize & try to make amends but dwelling on it is toxic. (I know, I did it for many years) I never had people judging me (except family) re: the 'pre-addiction' v. 'post-addiction' Annie because I started @ 17 & moved around a lot but I've come to the point where I no longer hide my history that much. For instance, I don't wear long sleeves in summer. I have scars (not really bad but noticeable enough to anyone who didn't just come in off the turnip truck from Mayberry.) & I just feel like, 'You can take me or leave me'. I am what I am & it's your loss. (It took a long time for me to get to this point.)

I know that you're counting each day right now & that's completely normal but to look for a specific time where somehow everything will fall into place is not realistic & will discourage you. Rather, the changes come subtly -- by degrees 'til one day you realize that there's been a shift.

I think it would be really helpful for you to go into Clean_In_KS's current thread on the forum, read it, then watch the link she references. I found it very illuminating myself. (I'm always interested in anything to help in the battle to stay straight.)  I think you're doing a marvelous job, btw. & Congratulations on Day 16, my friend. Onwards & Upwards, say I!

Big Smile,
Annie

[weaver71]

If you do not know the steps I'm talking about, I encourage you to get an NA big book and read the doctor 's opinion through ch. 3.

[weaver71]

Day 30 is another milestone, then it kinda creeps along. Energy, motivation, and emotional spikes where the last for me. It took me months before people believed I was serious. I'm glad I was doing it for me, it takes time for others to appreciate what you are doing. That's why I encourage folks to focus on being their highest potential and learning about addiction. Each day that passes, you continue to prove yourself to others and you. New memories start to replace your recent past. Detox is hard, and you are still detoxing. The recovery really starts after that. Early on, the first few months, I didn't work my 4th step. I worked 1-3 over and over. I thought I had worked my first step in the beginning, yet it had not sunk in all the way. It will get better as you better. Don't let anything or anyone distract you. I remember just stopping in conversations about my past behavior and asking for time to think. I would figure out if what we were discussing was helping me recover or if it was hurting me to resolve someone less problem with me. It sounds selfish, but I had to focus on me. Turns out, that was the most selfless thing I could have been doing. Give yourself a break, there will be time to heal all things.

[gnarly_1]

HI addiction does not go away just because you stopped using....for most of us we go from one addiction to the  other weather it be food or gambling sex or different drugs ....you really need to treat the illness, you have to change the very way you think the best place for help is N/A one addict helping another goes without saying please take my advise and get help there is a room full of people that can help you overcome the mind games..Good luck and God bless
..............................................Gnarly.......................................