to everyone doing this alone

[bama88]

i see so many people who have hidden their pills from their spouses. i was wondering if your spouse never knew that you were using how would he or she know you are going thru detox/withdrawls? couldn't you just say your sick?
i think we get so scared of judgements or rejection when we admit were addicts we feel like we can't tell anyone because we're ashamed. i think if you sit down and have a heart to heart talk to your spouse they will get over the shock and want to help. and i believe most spouses who never used can't understand our sick thinking. but we are sick. chemically sick. and i believe our spouses want us well and healthy.

also with the death of Whitney Houston addiction is going to be in the news alot. maybe even become more accepted as a disease. i watch Dr drew on cnn every night. he is really trying to get across the pill epidemic in America. finally someone advocates addicts and addiction. we need all the help we can get getting this pill problem under control.

back to my original thought....why don't you try to talk to your spouse? you got married for better or worse and now is in sickness
i think your doing a big injustice by saying he or she will not understand or feel they won't support you. how do you know? wouldn't you like to know if your partner needed help? our secrets keep us sick. i think if you feel like you can hide your addiction or withdrawls from your spouse you will believe you can forever hide the disease and that would only cause the disease to grow out of control more and more and more...
what if you told your spouse you tend to forget to how to or when you took pills so they could help taper? or if your going cold turkey just say your sick. just sick. no more no less. but i think one day you will have to talk about your addiction to your spouse. again how can you stay clean when you are not healing the right way.

and i find it hard to believe a partner wouldn't figuure out something is wrong. don't you get the feeling all is not well with your partner when they have a problem? don't you think they need to be in the know? isn't lieing part of the addiction?

i bet if you have that dreaded talk you'll feel so much relief. and you'll get double the support. wasn't there a time where you could share your secrets with your partner? isn't that part of falling in love? what about trust? wasn't there a time when you really truly trusted your partner?

how do you plan on doing this alone? alone got you to this point. how can you have the relationship grow to rhe next level when your still lieing and not trusting? what type of relationship is that to have? what kind of stress will that place on top of all your going thru?

if you can't say it face to face..write it down in letter form. but honey say something. i still believe you need to be able to tell your partner anything. especially this.

or do you choose not to say anything because your afraid of being accountable and maybe you'll be held responsible for your actions.

what would hurt your feeling more? the fact that your spouse/partner lied and kept their addiction a secret. or the thought they didn't trust you enough to come forward with a huge life threatening disease?

[TheGhostofBelleStarr]

believe me-he would forever throw it up in my face, esp. since I have been stealing them from his supply which he legitimately needs for chronic pain....and really could he trust me again ...it serves no good purpose to tell him, it would bring more negative effects in my situation then positive.

[minn66]

You know, beard, you have a point.  While I do go to meetings, I try nit to dwell on my recovery, if that makes sense.  I try to keep myself occupied with other things and thoughts like work, doing things with my fanily, working out, drawing, reading, and my newfound interest in Android development.  Sure, I still have some rough days because I do have lifelong chronic pain-causing issues.  It is no picnic by any means.

I come here to the forum periodically to see how some folks are doing and join in some discussions, but you may not see me for a while, either.

As for my husband, I finally did tell him.  He knows the extent of my medical issues and believes that I was more physically dependent and trying to control my pain rather than get high.  I belirve he is somewhat right but I could feel the pills starting to confrol me, so that is why I stopped cold turkey.  My husband said he was not surprised because he knows how much I want to be in control ;)  There are members of my family who don't know but the most important people do.

[beardflames]

i have hid so much from so many people for my whole life. the guilt does creep up every now and again. mostly about my mother who is in denial that i was using every drug under the sun while growing up. even though she caught me with drugs a few times. she always thought it was a "phase". yea, a 15  year phase. uh oh...here comes the guilt. dam it. i could never tell if i was ever really an addict or just a super hard party-er. i try not to focus too much on that, otherwise you can drive yourself nuts. it seems to me that people who spend every minute of every day focusing so hard on staying sober, are the ones who in turn have the hardest time staying clean. or clean enough.

[NeverDreamed]

So that is why my husband doesn't know, as he has never known me completely clean.  
I think sometimes my mom suspects, but she would never ask, and she I believe having dealt with her own addiction would be so supportive, but I can't cause her that stress/worry/guilt, I love her too much to hurt her.  She and I have come so far and are so close now.  
I'm like someone said up top, i'm an excellent actress, I am also highly functional on pills, I don't have the nodding, sometimes I feel I talk too much when high, but that's not uncommon for me naturally, so people just don't suspect me.  Nothing to be proud of, i'm not boasting, just sharing how people did not know.  

[NeverDreamed]

I'm doing this alone.  As the daughter of an alcoholic/pill popper, my mom is 11 years sober/clean now.  My brother is a pill popper, clean about 2 months now.  My dad and I have always been the strong leaders of the family.  My husband's ex wife is a addict (heroin/ecstacy), and hurt him and his children beyond repair, they are all in therapy for what she has done.  I choose not to tell them, to prevent them from hurting anymore.  I've abused pills pretty consistently for about 5 years.  My husband and I have been together for 4 years.  He doesn't know any different me.  Which yes is sad.  I choose not to tell anyone for fear of course of disappointment, shame, embarassment...but also to prevent hurt, and worry.  I know my mother would feel guilt, my father would be crushed, my husband and step kids who have been hurt so much by their ex wife/mother, would feel they've done something wrong again... I can't and won't do that to them.  I know in my heart and mind i'm strong enough to do this.  Of course there is alway the ability to relapse, i'm not naive to that.  I understand everyone's thoughts on aftercare, and as Bama you say "again how can you stay clean when you are not healing the right way".  I've been to alanon with my mom, i've been to AA with my mom, before my addiction.  I get it, I know the process and how it works for millions... but who's to say this is not "healing in the right way" for ME?  If I disclosed my issue to all of the above people, and caused them hurt/worry/stress, I could never forgive myself...  I'm processing and recovering, and healing in the way I believe is best...Will I succeed?  I will try my hardest to... Will I fall?  I hope not, but it's not impossible.. but through your support and the strength I know I have, this disease will not continue to run my life.  I will, and that for me works.

(no disrespect intended in anyway, just discussion)

[downandout1982]

Well my husband knew from the begining because they put me on pain management and I was apprehensive about it from the start. I when I decided to stop taking them and started going through w/d he was mad at me, wanting me to stay on them for selfish reasons.I stuck to my guns and kept with it, when it got too awful I called him out and how we have been together for eight years have two kids and I took care of him through many of his Crystal meth relapses and prison time. A few hours later his whole outlook changed and he even took the week off work to stay home and help.

[kk1303]

My fiancé knew I was taking the pills bc I was prescribed them, but he didn't know I  had developed such a high dependency/addiction to them. And he is not a drug user...doesn't even drink. So I could of easily said, "oh he wouldn't understand so I'm not gonna tell him." But no...I told him bc it wasn't about understanding, it was about being honest and getting support. When we make that choice to get clean, we need all the support we can get. I told my fiancé, my doctor, my parents, my friends...I mean EVERYONE (posted it on facebook to 500  different people) and every single one of the supported me. I was never judged or put down. I posted my daily updates on facebook just like I did here and everyone was rooting for me. Having all that support made my detox easier than it would of been had I kept it a secret.

[helpingmymate]

I am the spouse of an addict.  He didn;t come clean to me...instead I found his pill stash. Yes, I was angry at first, but you know what...I was more angry that he didn't tell me what he was doing. Now, we are both focused on helping him taper and get off the pills. I keep telling him we're in this together. And I know he feels a huge weight lifted off his shoulders.

I just want to encourage others to share their troubles with their loved ones. I know you think that they will just be angry and walk away, but you may find that they will actually become your support partner and help you to stop.

[Innerstrength67]

I was in hard core addiction for 1 1/2 years and my partner didn't know until I ended up in hospital with an accidental overdose. I was trying to score another script and they admitted me asap. It blows me away at how many Rx's I got without a single MRI. After getting out, I went back 3 weeks later for another 5 month run until I ran out of money. I lied a few more times to my partner and that was it. I was given a choice, stop or my partner would leave me. RX drug addiction is very easy to hide. I was such a great actress, could have won an academy award. I believe in my heart that our secrets keep us sick.
Addiction thrives on secrets and self loathing. It's how we feed it.
But everyone needs to walk their own path. Yes, there are people in my life that my think I'm a drug addict loser but it's not the truth. This is a disease of the mind.

[Sarah11212]

Such a good thread to start!
I can see both sides of this...
I was once married to someone who would not have understood my addiction. He always walked the straight and narrow, never having picked up a drug in his life and very rarely drank.
I can honestly say that I'm not so sure I would have told him.  
On the other hand, I am now w/ someone that I can tell anything to. I did not hesitate for one minute telling him that I needed help.
And NO, he didn't know. He knew that I was taking pills but had no idea that it had become a problem and that I was taking as many as I was.
He said looking back now, the only thing that he sees differently is that I had alot more motivation and the house was always spotless then.  
I would really think that he truly knew something was up because he's been around addiction his entire adult life but he swears he knew nothing other than that I was taking them as prescribed.

[Dane74]

i have been happily married for 19 years and my husband does not know that his wife is a drug addict.  He thinks i am dependent and that's it,  no more no less.  He  knows that i go through WD's but not because i get high as a kite but because i am dependent.  He thinks i take them as prescribed, see addiction is what makes me a lier, its my one and only secret i have with him and it will stay that way.  For you it was easier because you and hubby both were in the same position, my husband is clear from all drugs and alcohol so he just wouldn't get it, and i will not go down that road with him either.  Society as a whole thinks addiction is a choice and not a disease and i am sick and tired of people saying crap about it, especially about Whitney, not sure about you but my Facebook was getting blown up about Whiteny and all people said that its is shame she wasted her life, she was a crack head, all negative talk like she deserved to die, i get so mad at how people  are so ignorant about addiction.  So off course i blew up on people on Facebook and said she need help and wanted help and she was sick with a disease and no it was not a freaking choice!!!!! Dam it people wake up and understand what addiction is, please, then just then bama will people be able to talk more freely about there own personal addictions.

[bama88]

thanks...i was so hopeful on this one. did he every suspect? even Charlie said they were looking..so the behavior couldn't he hidden that well. oh i forgot to say some spouses may be in denial. but usually that's reserved for parents. please post on this subject. this could really help someone who wants to talk to their spouse.

[kk1303]

I agree with u 100%, bama! I was afraid to tell my fiancé at first but then came clean the 2nd day & it was SUCH a relief! He was nothing but supportive! He ran bubble baths for me, took me on drives during my panic attacks to help take my mind off things, just basically took care of me in every way possible. If he had treated me badly, I probably would have reevaluated our relationship. If ur significant other isn't gonna be there for u, maybe its time u get another significant other, ha! But like bama said, for better or for worse, in sickness & in health...

[charliej41]

Hey I just whanted to say that when I was using  my family could not tell even though they where looking for something. I started trying to quit back in July went to detox got out relaped then in October went back to detox relapsed and my wife had been to some family meeting with me so she know what to look for and when I came clean she said she was looking for it and said she had no idea I started taking them. Not saying it easy but for someone that been taking pills for years can hide it now I been off the pills for  22 day she said she see me acting differnt she never been around me not taking pills  so its new to both of us. But I think someone can hide it with a lot of work

[bama88]

i bet most of our spouses already know anyways. i refuse to believe that we can live with someone and actively abuse meds and get high and the other person is blind to our behavoir changes. how do you explain away nodding? how do you explain where your paycheck goes? don't you tell your spouse/partner about doctor appointments and dental appointments? am i the only one who talks to their spouse? my husband can read me like a book after 22 years. i don't get it.

please tell me how you hid it? id like to know...i find that so interesting...im not judging. i just want to start a conversation on this to help