The three of us began over 100 days ago

[BraneGame]

Chig, qpatty, and my self began this journey of sobriety in March. Like many of you who are just starting out, we found each other and have held on tight. During the first two months we all posted daily if not more. Our withdrawal symptoms seemed normal and we kept the course each of us in our own way using the advice of the long timers as we  are so grateful to learn from their experience. However, we soon found ourselves no longer posting as much as we seem to be following a different path than most everyone. We found ourselves PM each other rather than posting here. It is a tough place to be. Reading all the posts of the newer members and how they seem to feel better each day is bitter sweet. I know for me, I don't post publicly because I do not want to scare anyone who is suffering min. by min. or hour to hour. I remember how long and painful the days are in the early stages of withdrawal. TIME the four letter word that feels just as terrifying as the swear. Do we post our fears, and our continued and often debilitating symptoms of this most trying fight of our lives? PAWS!!!! No one seems to post about it. But it is real and we three have it. Maybe there are others out there who have it too. When we PM each other we share our symptoms because we don't know if we are still normal or if this is it for us. Life.....we are between 40 and 60 years old. Is this what it feels like to get older? Our bodies aged while we weren't looking because of the pills. OR, will we one day stop feeling the anxiety, weakness, brain buzzing, insomnia, shaking, lack of energy, massive depression, and physical pain?

I am thankful for my sober buddies Chig and qpatty. Without them and a few others we would be lost. I hope I have not discouraged anyone. That is so not what I wanted to do by posting this. This post is about our journey that may or may not be how others will experience it. I just feel lost and am reaching out.

[qpatty]

I have been working one on one with a drug and alcohol counselor. I did try NA but it just wasn't a good fit for me. And I really tried, not just a one time half-hearted attempt. That is when I started working with an amazing counselor. But the physical aspect of this is just almost more then I can take. Even my counselor said that with the positive attitude I have maintained throughout this that he was astonished by how hard I have been hit with the returning physical symptoms. And even feeling this bad I keep forcing myself to keep moving, keep engaged in life but every day is getting harder and harder. I am not a quitter nor am I a weak person. But this is beginning to be bigger than I can handle and I was not prepared for it to get this bad again. I knew the beginning was going to be rough. I managed to take care of my daughter and son in law's farm by myself while they were on vacation during my 2nd and 3rd week of withdrawal. And immediately following that I stayed busy helping with grandkids' sports and even volunteered at their school. But about 3 weeks or so ago I started declining rapidly and could not seem to stop it. I have tried so hard to keep a positive and strong attitude through all this. I was a long time user, I knew I was in for a long hard road but I never thought I would be completely incapacitated and unable to even function on a basic level 111 days into this.

[refills]

I remember when you all came on board. Although you may not know it, you're doing great. The mental drama/anguish can get so over the top you can lose sight of objectives and what has been accomplished. Don't lose sight at where you all are at and where you have come from. You are an inspiration and a wake up call at the same time. Always remember, we, without a doubt, never want to go back to the lifestyle that took away so much from us all. It's not easy but it's darn sure well worth it God Bless you all......ike

[chig1130]

Hey MY Friend,

Patty whats going on. How do you mean incapacitated? Just know I care and am concerned. Withdrawls can rebound on us, of course everyone is different.  What exactly is happening to you, if you don't mind sharing. I don't mind sharing whats going on with me. Don't hesitate, maybe me or someone else can chime in and relate to your symptoms so you don't feel all alone. Just trying to help

[meegWpaw]

support, support, support.  I have been reading threads and posts from you guys and I hear this undercurrent that is similar in all of your posts.  it sounds familiar because I went through it, too!  recovery is not an easy road.  i relapsed SO many times, chig, and bg and q, and i really believe the reason why was largely due to me not having enough support.  looking back on my four years trying to get clean, i see that in the very early stages of recovery I always had someone here on medhelp that i was in a constant (pm) conversation with every day.  Every day we wrote, often more than once a day.  I did this with someone who had more time than I did and someone who had roughly the same time as I did.  At times I had a couple different correspondents; but i look back at my mh documents and see that there was always someone there ... basically holding my hand.

after the period of initial recovery / relapse, i got help in a local ten day intensive outpatient program.  at the same time i went to 12 step, both NA and AA meetings.  I went to many, many meetings (which I have the luxury of being able to choose from in los angeles) until I found a few that i genuinely liked and that fit and that helped me.  I repeat, I went to MANY, MANY meetings.  I disliked a LOT of them.  I kept trying.  It wasn't always convenient or easy to search out new meetings.  and i complained about it a lot.  if you doubt any of this, look back at my old posts.  it's all there and the good people here can tell you how i dealt with things and how i was doing in early recovery.  :)

now i have eight months.  this is the longest time i have ever had.  it's a struggle every day.  some days less than others.  but i have really, really, really good, happy days and I am grateful and thankful that I am clean and living this grand life.  I laugh a lot and I have really good people and opportunities in my life.  i have freedom.

I go to outpatient After care groups consistently 2x a week and i am thinking of adding a third.  I go to at least one 12 step meeting a week, usually more. I work full time and I have to work out almost every day just to feel human.  I am taking anti-depressants.  Before I took the a/ds I was struggling very badly with clinical depression and concomitant fatigue and lethargy.

I am in individual therapy and I have friends, mostly from 12 step, who listen.  I do not have contact with my family/ they are not supportive of me.  And I have medhelp.  Medhelp has been instrumental in my support group and in my success at staying clean.

Look back at my posts ... I have always been honest, sometimes brutally so.  I never claimed it was a smooth ride and I never had a pink cloud stage.  Sometimes people on mh made me angry!  But they were always there for me.  They really helped me.

Use medhelp to help you by posting what you feel. Don't worry about the people who don't agree.  Use ALL the resources that all available to you to stay clean.  Yes, there are still many times I want to get high.  but I don't, because overall, it is amazing and transplendent to be clean!

pm me.  talk to me.  keep posting for support  :)    <3      :)

Meegan

[chig1130]

Patty read your PM from me.  

[BraneGame]

108 days off of 40mg 3x day Oxy ER and 10mg 3x day Oxy IR for break through pain. I had a botched laminectomy 14 years ago but did not require long term pain meds till I ruptured two more disks in my back and 2 in my neck. That was back in 2007.

I think the depression is one of the biggest concerns I currently have. However, I also have moderate anxiety most of the day and all night still. Several times a day my brain feels like it is misfiring. Like this huge pressure that is full of electricity. I have several episodes a day that I feel like I can't breath. Same as I did during my first week of withdrawal but not as often. My body temperature is still messed up but at least I don't get the chills then a few seconds later be sweating. My vision is very blurry and I am getting head aches everyday still. I feel so weak I don't get much done and my legs feel like jello and like they may come out from under me. To this day I have not had a happy feeling.  I need to feel happy feelings soon. It seems to me that most have had at lease a few seconds of happy by day 100. I sleep about 3-4 hours every OTHER day. I cry when Im sad, angry, and for no reason at all. The pain I feel must be real as the over all body aching left me at almost the 1 month mark.  I have become very ant-social as well.

I take vitamins, go to NA, and I have been able to eat 2 meals a day despite not having an appetite. I also drink one protein shake a day.

I guess I thought this far out I wouldn't still be this much of a mess. I have to force myself to do everything. Then after I do a small task I need to rest again.  So that's it. I guess I just have no clue as to what to do to make things more bearable. Any thoughts?