The three of us began over 100 days ago

[BraneGame]

Chig, qpatty, and my self began this journey of sobriety in March. Like many of you who are just starting out, we found each other and have held on tight. During the first two months we all posted daily if not more. Our withdrawal symptoms seemed normal and we kept the course each of us in our own way using the advice of the long timers as we  are so grateful to learn from their experience. However, we soon found ourselves no longer posting as much as we seem to be following a different path than most everyone. We found ourselves PM each other rather than posting here. It is a tough place to be. Reading all the posts of the newer members and how they seem to feel better each day is bitter sweet. I know for me, I don't post publicly because I do not want to scare anyone who is suffering min. by min. or hour to hour. I remember how long and painful the days are in the early stages of withdrawal. TIME the four letter word that feels just as terrifying as the swear. Do we post our fears, and our continued and often debilitating symptoms of this most trying fight of our lives? PAWS!!!! No one seems to post about it. But it is real and we three have it. Maybe there are others out there who have it too. When we PM each other we share our symptoms because we don't know if we are still normal or if this is it for us. Life.....we are between 40 and 60 years old. Is this what it feels like to get older? Our bodies aged while we weren't looking because of the pills. OR, will we one day stop feeling the anxiety, weakness, brain buzzing, insomnia, shaking, lack of energy, massive depression, and physical pain?

I am thankful for my sober buddies Chig and qpatty. Without them and a few others we would be lost. I hope I have not discouraged anyone. That is so not what I wanted to do by posting this. This post is about our journey that may or may not be how others will experience it. I just feel lost and am reaching out.

[qpatty]

That's the problem I am having. I do stay active, involved. I have been careful to eat right and drink tons of water, etc. I started slowly getting better and better and then out of the blue I started declining. I now feel as bad as I did the first few weeks of detoxing with no signs of it letting up. And I didn't really change the course I was on, it has really blindsided me. And going to my doctor is out of the question because i REFUSE to just let them put on some other medication that I will find out later is addictive and it has been my experience that doctors just want to give you a pill to fix it all. Just my experience. That is how I got here in the first place-blind trust in my doctor without doing my own research. My fault, not hers but I will never trust like that again.

And I am NOT giving up, I just don't know where to go from here. I am on an unfamiliar road with no map or GPS and feel like I am endlessly driving in circles. And no one I stop to ask directions of has any ideas how to get off this dark, bumpy road.

[Nomore2]

I totally believe that you will get past these PAWS symptoms and will feel better. It might take awhile, but it will happen. I just want to encourage you. You are so far along and I am only at 16 days. It is a roller coaster ride. I know you say if this is as good as it gets then it's not good enough. But, was it really better when you were on the pills? I can't imagine that it was. But, maybe you liked the numbing effect.  I know with me I need to find something to be involved in to focus on something besides myself and how I'm feeling. Maybe getting involved in some kind of community outreach? When we are helping others, we have less time to think about our own problems. Or maybe working with children. It is always nice to see the world through a child's eyes, when they haven't been jaded yet. They can give us a fresh perspective. Or find something you enjoy doing and get into a group that enjoys the same things. Of course, I don't know anything about you and you may have already tried something like that. Or you might be working and not have the extra time. But, please don't give up. You say you aren't a quitter and I believe you! I will keep you in my prayers, patty!

[qpatty]

I would like to start this post off by saying that those that used for a short duration (2 years or less) and really do improve in just a few weeks or a month or so, I am truly from the bottom of my heart happy for you. That is absolutely awesome. And what you have gone through to get there is a gigantic accomplishment and you should all be proud of your strength and determination.

For us long-term users this continues to be the battle of our lives. I can tell you right now that if anybody had told me in the beginning that I would still be feeling this bad at almost 4 months in I probably wouldn't have done it so for that ignorance I am grateful. And for me it is especially difficult because I had a month or so where I really did start to feel better and then it all went downhill from there. I am thinking that it was because I was so busy that I had to push through no matter what. Now my life has settled down a bit and I find myself struggling to just get through the day. I am back to maybe 2 hours of broken sleep a night, my anxiety is through the roof, my whole body feels like it has some bizarre electric current running through it, and the fatigue is debilitating. I try very hard to stay as busy as possible because I know that makes a huge difference but it is getting harder and harder to do that. I know as long as I was on them and at the high dose I was on I should have realized this would be a rocky road but I just never expected to be struggling so much so far into this.

If this is as good as it gets, it isn't good enough and I will have to reevaluate my options. I am not a quitter and I will stay strong but I will not live like this forever. I am giving this to the 6 month mark before I make any decisions.

Thank you Brane and Chig for always being there, we couldn't have gotten this far without each other.

And I have one more thing to say to all the newbies reading this. Don't let this scare you-let this inspire you to get the heck off opiates NOW instead of waiting years like we did. Your recovery can takes weeks or you can wait and it can take months or years. It is your choice.

[Krissy_123]

I agree with everything pillguy said!! Also I wouldn't call it "paws" either. We literally rewired our brains to function on a substance. That's what it was used to every minute of every single day. For some of us we took them for years and years! This is the biggest reason ppl give in and start using again! They think "oh my gosh it's been 2,3,4 months and I still feel not normal"!! Well guess what this is normal! And you're 100% right we should keep posting how we feel! It's hard as heck!! I'm at 7 months and there are still days I walk around in a daze thinkin wtf Is this my life now??? But then I always have really wonderful days thinking,why did I wait so long to get clean?!?! When we put that little pill in our body it shot our dopamine through the roof. Now we just expect it to feel like that again in a few months! we will NEVER feel like that again. It was fake,we aren't ment to have that many endorphins running through us at one time. So it can take to to 6 months to a year for our natural chemistry to fix it self. You WILL heal,but like you said it does take time. A lot of the ppl on here it took them up to two years. I hope that's not the case for y'all,but you need to be strong and fight through this. Do everything you can to do things you enjoy and make you happy. I'm y'all have each other!! xox

[pillguy]

I ve sent a PM to Chig regarding a "fuller" description of what we face.  If Chig is so inclined, I'd welcome her to share it with you if she wants to.  In short, we focus on the acute WDs.  It's our first tasks and the one that scares people the most.  I've stated a number of times here that I believe the lethargy and depression after the acute withdrawal is as hard or harder than the initial WDs.  I don't believe this period is properly described by the definition of PAWS.  IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MENTAL CLARITY.  It has to do with having so little energy that you question if life is even worth living if it's going to be like this!  Everyone is different, but for me a short-acting full agonist opiate had this no energy period lasting a solid month.  Coming off a very low level of Suboxone this no energy period lasted 2 full months after the acute WDs were over .  The good news is that almost without fail, everyone recovers.  It's slow day by day incremental recovery.  Not exactly the style that addicts used to instant gratification appreciate.  
I think, on average this low/no energy period lasts 2 - 3 months before you really start to feel something like "normal".  Feeling better, and feeling normal can be two wildly different things.  I've spoken with addiction specialist that claim we'll need 1 - 2 years of sobriety.

So why isn't this talked about.  It's isn't talked about much because getting folks motivated to get through the task of acute withdrawals is tough on its own.  None of we are inclined to drill into you that the worse is yet to come.  At least it was the worst for me.  So low on energy that just being alive seemed unsustainable.  On top of that, remind the person taking on the fight of their life,nth at after all of this, it will be 1 - 2 years before your brain is in a pre-use state and PAWS should be over.

Folks, there's nothing wrong with your recovery.  I read Chiig's qjournal when she had 81 days in.  Not even at the 3 month point yet.  I'm about 5 months clean and I'm still struggling with the energy issue.  I'm turning 60 in a few months.

My point is that you are all on track.  It takes a short intense period to break the dependence.  It takes a longer period for our brains to repair.  I know you are feeling a little better as days go by.  But it's slow and that's frustrating.  And it's not consistent.  You have a good day and you think you got it, when the next day kicks your butt.  The beast doesn't fight fair.  No surprise there.

I'm so proud of be people I get to communicate with here.  The bold ones, the fighters,  the ones who put their pride away for the good of others.  Fight to win.  There can be no negotiated settlement here.

Cheers