This is the hardest post i've had to write. I'm back at Day 2~

Question

Well, I feel like a complete and utter failure.  I was about 120 days clean, and my husband and I have not been getting along, and of course along came my friend.  I can say he's a friend because yes I have gotten pills from him in the past, but he never knew how bad it was... I always made some excuse when I twisted my knee, blah blah.  So I started taking Vicodin, and Norco again.  Before this clean time I was using about 20 per day.  This time I told myself I could control it like a normal person takes prescriptions.  I have been taking about 4-5 per day...Much less than the first time.  Sunday were my last 4..  Do I wish I had another one to calm myself?  I'm not going to lie.  Do I want to punch myself in the face for faltering?  Absofrigginlutely.   I guess I feel so bad because I was doing so good, no thoughts about pills, didn't even care when others took them around me (a friend for knee surgery).  If you read my past posts, you will see I chose not to share this with anyone.  As of today 3 people know, and one friend who is clean almost 10 years is a strong supporter.  I have not told anyone I fell.  I don't want to see the disappointment in their eyes, after I was so damn confident I could do this.  
Day 2 isn't awful.  Sleeping was off and on last night, I had the sweats, I have the chills, sneezes, and a bit of anxiety, diarrhea of course, but I'm using immodium like a pro.  (Sadly).  The worst for me now is the restlessness, but at day 2 it's no where near as bad as when I was using 20 per day.  So i'm hoping this goes a little easier for me because I wasn't taking as many....I was kind of taking as prescribed although they weren't prescribed...but then in my heart I don't feel it should be easy for me, because I did this to myself.  I'm at work today, and i'm doing pretty good.  I'm praying I get some sleep tonight.  I'm sorry to all those who stood by me the first time.... Dangitt i'll succeed again, as long as I can.

kyle505 · Answer

IB is correct. When our head decides that "just one won't hurt", all of our energy and creativity is immediately focused on getting the pill. I've spent hours in ER with "a bad back", "a hurt toe", etc. And I'm a little worried about this friend who has meds thing. Although he'll be out by the time you get back, will he eventually be getting more? I think that you can be stronger in your approach with him without causing problems at work...Maybe something like, I really want to stop, get my brain out of this fog; in a moment of weakness if I come to you asking for pills, please refuse. You need to lay the groundwork and not depend on him to get it.

IBKleen · Answer

It is great that you deleted all of your contacts, doctor, etc. but to be honest--I could find drugs on a desert island if I wanted them. I can get real creative. Maybe it is time for you in invest in some form of after care to get the root of why you use? Just my two cents. I wish you the best.

NeverDreamed · Answer

Thank you all for the support.  I know I shouldn't beat myself up, but how could I be so ignorant to think I could use again..  Boggles my mind now.  I'm at Day 3, and I believe because I wasn't taking much each day, my withdrawals aren't bad at all.  The chills, sneezes, and sweats at night.  The restlessness is gone today, no anxiety... I know what I need to do to get myself there.  This time I have missed no work.  I pray that because I only used for 2 months at 4-5 per day, instead of 6 years 20 per day like last time...I think I caught it in time, before it became out of control (withdrawals at least).  Obviously any time I use, i'm out of control I'm not naive to that.  I meant for the withdrawals to be as terrible as last time. Anyway, i'm going out of town this weekend with a group of friends.. No one knows of my addiction, but there will be no access to anything from now through Sunday.  I've told my friend, I do not need the pills next week. I can't share my addiction with him as he and I work together.  I do not think he would betray me but in my position I cannot jeopardize my job.  They would fire me immediately.  So I just told him no thank you.  He didn't ask further.  I'm sure he gets it.  I do not have access to my old prescription, as of last withdrawal I told my doctor not to prescribe them again to me ever.  So she's on board.  My avenues as of now are closed.  The pills my friend has, will be gone by the time I get back into town, which will be good.  I'll have no access even if I did ask him.  My appetite Sunday was bad...but i've been forcing myself to eat and drink a ton of water.  So i'm feeling good.  I think and truly pray i'm back on track.  I guess a 2 month derail is better than last time (6yrs).   Wish me luck, pray for me as I pray for all of you!  Thank you.

dominosarah · Answer

I was on a continous relapse for 30 plus years.  I know how hard this is but when you have had enough you will stop the insanity~~

kyle505 · Answer

I failed for 15 years. Did what you've done. But now I'm pushing 7 months clean. You know what has to be done. I hope you get it right sooner than I did.

Bearclaw2 · Answer

In the back of our mind we still hold fond memories of what we liked about being high and over time mostly forget the problems it caused. Like an old love we still have occasional romantic thoughts about that former love. You see our brain naturally diminishes painful memories over time, but remembers and enhances the pleasurable ones. We eventually feel the urge to dabble again in the pleasure we once knew and talk ourselves into thinking we can do it safely. Your relapse is a further training, or advanced relapse school if you will. Now you have a deeper understanding of how it works and should help keep you more safe this next time around. During my last detox sickness I wrote myself many powerful notes because I knew I would get well again and start forgetting that sickness and possibly start romancing pills again one day. It's happened twice now.The hard part is after being addicted and getting clean then using again with less pills for a shorter time the withdrawal can be as bad or worse, escpecially as we get older. You want another pill while not wanting another pill. Stay clean and the desire of wanting another pill will disipate. After my 2nd relapse I was disapointed in myself but I was much more scared that the opiates had control over me, that I let it happen again, that it would keep happening until I eventually died, not from overdose as I kept my usage light, but from suicide because I became so severely depressed last time and that really scared me. In my notes I told myself I would probably die if I had to try recovering again. Try writing yourself powerful notes and promise to read them occasionally, that may help keep you safe for a long time. I wish you well in your new sobriety... :)

Sonrissa · Answer

Hi Neverdreamed! Well, all I can say is most of us have been there and done that! I did several times! Dont continue to beat yourself up about it! Just dust yourself off and begin again! You know what to expect! Try to stay positive and focussed! Needless to say, and I'm  sure you will be told this a thousand times, but in order to be successful you will need to cut off your supplier! I know from experience that if you have access, you will find a way to use! Take care, and post whenever you need support!

coconuts27 · Answer

Congratz on making it to day 2. Im on day 2 myself. As you know, this is not easy, but you can do it. You've done it before. And now you know that after you get through the hard part, you cant take any pills at all. 

No addiction is easy to break. But there are so many people who have done it, so it is possible. 

I hope that you hang in there, and get your life back on track.

staticage · Answer

Your not alone here..I went 29 days clean and decided to take a couple a day for work...That turned into getting my full script again...Dont beat yourself up,this is crazy stuff here...Good luck to you for this go around..