Time to come clean..

[palerose]

I don't really know where to begin I just know that I need help and the support that this forum seems to offer.  It has taken me weeks of reading posts and watching this forum before finally deciding to become a member, but here goes!  I guess you could say I have an addictive personality.  It all began when I was in my teens and became obsessed with being thin.  I was never "fat" just a little chunky.  I became bulimic by the time I was 17 and continued with that until I was 25.  By the time I turned 25 I had enough and just stopped cold turkey.  I have been free of that for three years now but it seems I substitute that addiction for others.I should be happy, I got married in September I am 2 months away from finally completing my dream of becoming a nurse and it seems that my addictions have come to a head.  To give a little more back story about a year ago I took a very bad fall down concrete steps.  I went down about 12 of them and besides getting bruised I hurt my neck.  I have been going to the doctor and they have been running me around in circles.  They have been perscribing me Percocets, which I should just mention now my husband is also on for chronic back back pain.  The MD would usually only give me about 20 which I would go through in a week taking three a day while they sent me to PT, chiro, to get an xray....I did everything they asked and I am still even going to a neurologist at the end of the month.  I guess teh crux of my issue is that in the time I have had the chronic neck pain it has caused many fights between myself and my new husband.  I have taken some of his pills as well when I was out of my own.  I should have just asked but I would take sometimes 10 at a time to refill my own bottle.  I became afraid of not having access to them.  He tried to help me by hiding them from me and it almost became a game in my head to find the Percocets.  I am not making up the pain but this is just an ongoing problem.  This has caused many arguements because if he ever asks me flat out if I took them from him I will not lie.  I just know I shouldn't go behind his back in the first place but it is almost like I have done it before my brain can comprehend what I am doing.  Does that make sense?  Three days ago I decided I was done.  I have been tapering myself down.  I guess I hit rock bottom last week because one day I actually took 8 which is something I have never done and I am not proud of.  I have just taken one a day the past three days and have the flu like sysmptoms combined with an actual cold at the moment.  I just need strength to keep going.  I am sorry if this is a babbling post I just didn't know where to start.  Thanks for reading.

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome to the forum, palerose.  I just have a minute this mornin but want to encourage you to pull up a web site and study the heck out of it.  If you can UNDERSTAND what happens in our brains that makes us different from NON-addicts, it will not only bless you but your hubby as well.  I relate to you in SO many ways and will get back on later today and share more.
  
In your search engine type in:  hbo.com/addiction

That web site has articles, video clips, TONS of explanations and info on understanding addiction, why addiction is BEYOND willpower, why relapse occurs, what we can do to help ourselves, on and on.  It is INVALUABLE info and a lot of it is new info this last 10 yrs.
Because you are (yeah you!) studying nursing.....the articles and short video clips, etc. will assure you this truly is an illness that can be put into remission.  It changed my whole perspective and I can still spend hrs on the site clicking on each and every link available.  MUCH to learn there.

Be patient with yourself......learn some more.....read all you can about easing the w/drawal process here on MedHelp.....YOU CAN DO THIS.

Rootin for you~

[YesLife4Me]

Don't be mad at yourself!   Relapse can be a part of the process for most all of us.  Very few of us quit the first time.  We learn something about our recovery when it happens.  The fact that you are trying is huge.  Pick yourself up by the boot straps and keep trying to move forward.  Your mind will keep playing with you for a bit.  Find something else to do to replace those thoughts such as going for a walk or getting on here.  The more we train ourselves to do that, the sooner we redirect our thoughts towards a healthier life.  You are doing great...never give up!

[palerose]

Thanks. I've wanted nothing more than to be a hospice nurse for years. I have never even smoked a cigarette in my life and don't do illegal drugs.  I just can't seem to get free of this. I will talk to him again today. Thanks again

[painbal]

You are in the right place at the right time. Talk with ur husband open & honestly. Get off these while you can however you can. Your career choice could be tough if you are actively using. Good luck and you will do this!

[palerose]

I screwed up and went backwards not forward. I got rid of all my pills and today my husband goes and gets a refill of his.  I am on day two again and feel doomed. I have been sick for a week and today even missed class bc I don't want to get out of bed. My brain is trying to tell me I need those pills to feel normal and I know I don't. I am embarrassed to come on here and say I failed but yesterday I tried talking to my husband ad I just didn't get anywhere. He thinks I'm doing better so it is on the backburner. I am writing this crying because I feel like there is something so totally wrong with me.  

[VICourageous]

You stick around this site and maybe do some aftercare, we will help You turn into a Bright, White, Rose... I just want to add my 2 cents in what the above all said is great info...I like what 10356 said..I say this all the time, because this is a part of what is saving my behind today. Look up all the information you can on "Disease of Addiction and the Pleasure Brain" This will help you and your husband..It takes alot of learning and selfwill not to touch a pill that is in front of your face..Like takeing a kid in the candy store and telling them they can not have any !!!!! Ok..Also yes, yes, I was in nursing for over 27yrs..It is a high stress job and the pills are around..
To come clean and stay clean with SUPPORT is the best choice you can make right now for a better future...The Blessing just roll in when we stay clean...Trust me...
God Bless u & hub
vickie

[YesLife4Me]

Leaving pills sitting out on the counter with an addict in the house is like leaving a steak on the floor and beating the dog for trying to get it.  The dog is behaving instinctively and when someone with the disease of addiction is in active addiction, there behavior becomes primal as well.  We use to live and live to use.  It's as simple as that.  Taking the pills triggers an obsessive compulsive behavior due to what they liken to an allergic reaction after taking the pills.  It would definitely behoove him to understand the disease and to understand it is NOT your fault.  It is not a disease that can be cured by pure willpower alone.  That would be like telling a person with depression to just snap out of it.  It is a chemical imbalance that needs to be treated.  In order to treat it, one has to first stop taking the pills to put it into remission.  However the desire to take them never completely goes away.  In time..and that's a long time, you may be able to have the bottle sitting on the counter without it being a temptation, but not now.  That's just torture.  And I'm sure he doesn't mean it that way.  He just doesn't understand that it is not a weakness nor a willpower issue.  

Also he may be mad at himself for introducing you to the pain pills since he offered them to you in the first place.  He takes them as needed and doesn't understand how you can't.  To an addict we think "I only took 3 or 4 a day".  In reality, that is a lot to most people when you think about it since we are talking about everyday.  You didn't say how long you had been taking them?  You  mentioned getting married in September so I'm guessing you haven't been doing this for years like most of us.  Trust me, it does get worse and with you going into Nursing, you don't want that temptation lying around.  

Regarding your Dr., I would just mention to him that you don't want to take those anymore and that when you have tried to stop taking them you get sick and you have heard that the Dr can prescribe meds that help alleviate the withdraw symptoms or you would like to do some kind of taper plan.  Were you taking 20 a week prescribed by the Dr plus your hubby's?   Even at 20 a week over a course of months, he would understand that you have developed a dependency on them.  

[10356]

The way my husband and I have dealt with this after many trial and fails he wears a key to the gun safe he has it on him at all times.. I'm now in a place in my recover where I do not compulsively look for them It takes time.. It takes commitment and it takes understanding... You both can do this....

[10356]

I'm sorry to say but it will never work your husbands way.. He sounds very angry and I find this sad for if you had diabetes he would not be angry but supportive.. addiction is a disease it is not a personality default it is not about will power.. You will not pass his test.. Your husband needs to see beyond his fear and anger and educate himself on addiction. there is no cure but you can put it in remission.. You also palerose need to educate yourself on your addiction.. lawyers Dr.'s police nurses teachers homeless the poor black white young and old are all susceptible to addiction.. Maybe have your husband come on and read your words your fear our hope our struggles and he will understand that you are fighting for your life.. It is not about will power.. I have told my Dr. I'm a addict my phyc my family some friends anyone I felt that can help me in my sobriety... It is true only  a addict can understand a addict but if your research is done you will find addiction can be understood by our loved ones as the illness it is....  Recovery is multi faceted... spiritual medical therapy and support.. Support is Key. I just want to make sure you understand this does not reflect on you as a person.....

[FourJays]

You are NOT alone - you will always have support here.  Sometimes it may be a little slow getting responses (busy times of the day, people at work, etc.), but there will always be someone to talk to.  From the way you described it, it does sound like your husband is angry - and I would bet that it is mostly due to frustration and fear.  Frustrated because he doesn't know what to do or how to help you and fearful that the drugs could "win" and he could lose you.  I think its great that you are seeing a counselor . .. have you talked to him/her about all of this?  What is their opinion?

As far as approaching your dr., why not just tell him/her the truth?  You have legit pain thus why you started taking these.  You now want off these and have tapered down to just 1 a day; ask about something to help with the w/d symptoms.  There are quite a few meds that can be prescribed for this. And you can ask about possible alternative meds for your pain.  It seems like lately I have been hearing stories about people coming clean to their doctors and then being "fired" as a patient because they suddenly see you as a "drug seeking addict".  Well, you are not looking  for more pills, you just want assistance with getting completely off, correct?  As long as you are NOT looking for more (of the same) pills, I cant imagine any dr not willing to help???  I think it's worth a try, but again as with all of this . . . it is really your decision on how and when you will move forward, as you have shown that you want to do.  Good luck .. . . .keep posting
julie

[palerose]

Thank you so much for all the support.  In answer to some of your questions when I first fell my husband was the one who first gave me Percocet because he has taken it to manage his lower back pain since I have known him.  It is very difficult for me to know they are in the house but at this point he has given me an ultimatum that if I take anymore we would be done.  Now instead of hiding them he does leave them in plain site because he wants me to prove I can change. It makes it very difficult but I know I have to work hard because I don't want to throw my life away.  I feel a little alone in this which is what prompted me to post here.  I feel like he is so angry at me right now he doesn't know how to help me deal with this issue.  I sought out help and am seeing a counseler every two weeks because I know potentially this could be a huge issue going into the nursing field which I am scared about,  I have worked so hard to get this far and I don't want to ruin my life.  Does anyone have any advice about how to approach the doctor?  
  I also can't explain why I am holding onto the one pill a day, guess it is a little crutch.  Either that or it is like many of you have mentioned above it is because they are in the house (I still have my own left) and it is easy to take when access is that simple.  I feel a little stuck i'm not going to lie.  I want to move forward but feeling alone in the situation doesn't help.

[FourJays]

Hi palerose - welcome!  So glad you decided to post and find support here.  Your story is so like many of ours; starting on pills for legit pain and ending up needing more that prescribed - and still in pain.  The GREAT thing you have going for you is the fact that you caught this pretty fast, you know it's become a problem and you are ready to fix it.  You have every reason (beyond the obvious) to do so too - you are young, newly married, about to finish school and start your career . . . a most exciting time in life.  

You could talk to your dr. about a taper plan, but at this point having taken only 1 pill a day for the last 3 days (?), I agree with the above members that you are prolonging the withdrawals.  Even with a taper you eventually have to jump off completely and there are usually w/d's.  You are already feeling it and there's a chance it wont be too bad given your short time taking these (about a year, right?).  There are many things you can do to help alleviate the w/d issues; just keep posting with your symptoms and people will give you tons of great advice to address any specific problems you are having.  After about a week or so off the pills you should feel much better.

The way YOU choose to quit is up to YOU.  Just do it now before the pills take over your life before you even realize it has happened; because this is what they do to many people.  Talk to your doctor about other possible ways to manage your pain; which you may find is actually less once you are off the pills.

My one concern is this - does you husband have continuing pain issues that will result in him still having these pills around?  If so, this will be a constant threat to your sobriety unless they are locked away or hidden or something.  I know for me, if pills were around - I would take them, period.  Hopefully you two can come up with some kind of solution to this.  

You have SO much going for you - congrats on the nursing school too by the way!  I am so happy you found this place . . . . the life experience and support of people here will help you through.  Keep posting . .. . . . you can do this :)

[Bubulous]

HI and welcome to the forum.
I have a lot of obsessive behaviors that I try to control.  I have had some of them temporarily like stealing, did binge and purge for a while in high school after I broke my collar bone and put on some weight.  The funny thing about it was that could have been when my addiction started because they gave me some pain pills but I gave them to my parents to sell them to our neighbors so I could have the money out of them.  I didn't discover pain pills until much later after I burnt burnt my shoulder really bad by taking off the radiator cap from my car the first time that it got hot and started smoking for the first time.  

[EvolverU]

So glad you decided to jump in--Congratulations!
           Welcome. 10356 and Toothfaerie gave you some wonderful advice. I would emphasize that it's really important that you do this before you enter a hospital setting/doctor's office. I also agree that you're prolonging your  misery.  Your habit could be a lot heavier. That's a good thing. If you stop now you will bounce back pretty quickly. It's good that you're nearing the end of school because that will give you the time to heal. (In between school and job.) The only concern I have for you is aftercare and counseling. Your issues as a teenager and your current addiction have roots (like we all have) that really need to be addressed. You need to talk this out w/someone who knows what they're doing. If you could find someone who's familiar w/ cross addictions/compulsions/control issues that would be super. The most important thing right now is that you're here and that you keep coming back. You Can Do this if you really want it. We're in your corner and we're here.

[YesLife4Me]

I could always sniff out where the pills were hidden and even wheni tried to taper, that uncontrollable urge would take over if I knew there was any around or that I could get access to.  (Friends, family, etc)  I agree that the one a day is prolonging your misery of withdrawal symptoms.  I know its hard to just give them up completely, but a few days of feeling flu like is worth it to be free of them.  You know that you can't take even one anymore because it will trigger your desire for more, right?   One is too many and a thousand isn't enough.  My ex had a safe and I learned how to pick it.  I knew all his hiding places and would study him to figure out where he was stashing them.  He even had them hidden in his vehicle and I found them.  Shoot..I went out at night and rummaged through it looking.  I can't believe I was that desperate!  

Congrats on your nursing program!  That's something to celebrate and another reason to move forward.  You have a new husband and a bright future ahead.  Don't throw it away on pills!   You have a good head start and aren't in too deep yet, so this is good time as any to start your new life.  :)

I know what chronic pain is.  That's how most all of us started, but in time the pills turn on us and make us do things we wouldn't have thought we were capable of.  After getting off them, I found that with my Drs help that it could be managed in other ways.  The pain pills cause us rebound pain and a type of myalgia pain which is worse pain than we had in the beginning.  Most of us found that the pain wasn't as bad as the initial pain we started pills for after getting off them.  It takes a little while for our bodies to regulate, but once it settles down, im sure you will notice this too.    

[10356]

Hi Palerose. Welcome to the forum.. I know what you mean about taking them without even really realizing. I also stole from my husband he would hide them and the game was on It is very hard to hide something from a addict.. I know addict is a awful term for some but it is what it is. a uncontrollable urge. Congrats on just getting ready to finish school ! That is a great accomplishment. Now to start your new career you are going to have to get this behind you.. I would suggest stopping the pills now The 1 a day you are taking is just prolonging the misery and it is messing with your brain.. You are already in wd.. Hot bath showers lots of fluids Dehydration can make you feel worse lots of walking moving and try try to keep a good attitude You are doing something wonderful for yourself... Addiction can get very out of hand and can cost a person everything... Heat ice for your neck and if you can Motrin. Others will be along to offer support I just want to say way to go.. Get your life back and your marriage and get this behind you.. lesa

[toothfairie]

hi and welcome to the forum!  you will find lots of great advice here and info...can your hubby hold your pills, maybe lock them up in a safe and give them to you as needed in the taper?  It might be hard at first if you have pills in the house all the time...but it's doable....just stay hydrated and keep moving and get the natural endorphins going...with your legit pain....maybe your doctor can help you with a taper plan and to help you with any WDs??  

good luck and keep posting....this place is awesome!