Craving sooooo bad

[tramuser99]

I went to treatment and was 12 days clean and had a one time relapse, I flushed the crap and even thought the physical (besides the damn insomnia) didn't come back full on I felt guilty. Since then it's been 13 days and I have been up all night not sleeping and am craving one pill so bad. I know I will hate myself if I break and will go through even more mental withdrawals while I restart counting the days until it should be out of my system.  

My trigger is a job in which I work 7 days a week for 10 hour shifts overseas. I don't have access to NA, I can't even tell a single person because of the environment. I know people are wondering what's up with me because of my sudden lack of motivation, restlessness, and moodiness but it's so hard to hide for 10 hours in tight quarters. I think I need to quit my job to preserve my sobriety but then I am afraid of sitting back home going through my money being pissed that I messed up a high paying job because of weakness.

I know the lack of sleep and frustration is talking, but I have so few outlets to try and knock common sense into my zombie depressed brain.

[tramuser99]

I just now noticed your reply and appreciate it.  I hate to admit but I actually used my former contact for opiates to get ambien and valium to help get sleep because the doctors wouldn't.  The combination worked and I actually started feeling more relaxed during the day even though I was only taking it at night.  I also stopped the valium and ambien about 1.5 weeks ago because I am looking for a job and don't want to fail a drug test if they test for those.  I normally wouldn't condone my actions but to be honest I am completely glad I went ahead and self medicated.  The doctors wouldn't really take me seriously and being so depressed anyways from the lack of opiates/adderall and combining that with months of insomnia was putting me in a really dark state.  I am now only using melatonin and sleeping ok, sometimes even able to nap during the day which I couldn't before.  I am still very depressed, just not as anxious I guess.  I am in a tough living situation so there are a lot of factors at play.  I am also going to see about other SSRI type meds.  Thanks again for your input, insomnia is by FAR the worst part of withdrawals besides depression of course.

[TikkiTT]

I am replying to bump you back up to the first page.   I am not the most experienced person to address your problem with insomnia, but I want to congratulate you on the difficult decisions you have had to make.    I have quit hydrocodone twice.   The first time, cold turkey.   It was the hardest time for me,  although the amount I was using was averaging only about 6 10/325s a day...not a lot compared to many people here, but still was hard for me.   I didn't sleep well for several days but I don't recall having insomnia after that.   I had surgery and a lot of PT so had to go back on them, and I was afraid of quitting again, so I stayed on them a lot longer than I should have.    The doctor told me to do a very gradual taper, and I was able to do that....still some discomfort, but not bad.   A lot of people can't taper, but I counted out my pills, figured out what I had to have in order to not get very sick, and was able to do it that way.   The worst thing for me, especially the first time, was the absolute and total lethargy.   I took lots of vitamins and supplements and they helped but it took at least a month to kick in.   I forced myself to get up and move around...sometimes for only 10 minutes at a time and then I would lay down for 20 minutes.   I had animals to take care of...if not for that, I probably wouldn't have gotten out of bed at all.   Hopefully someone can better address the insomnia part of your question.

[tramuser99]

Just wanted to give an update, I have been on and off these boards for far to long trying to get clean. I ended up leaving my job overseas because I was having major anxiety after getting off the meds and the insomnia wasn't allowing me to pull 10hr shifts everyday. I am now back in the US and have managed to stop the opiates, I had a few slips at first but just flushed the rest so I couldn't have another weak moment.
I wish I had a super happy ending but the insomnia is still ongoing, I have been to doctors who put me on lexapro and gave me 7 ambien (which didn't work). I will go 2 full nights with no sleep and when I do sleep it's just a few hours basically to avoid my body from shutting down. I go to the gym, I try to avoid caffeine, but I still lay awake all night. I even try all OTC sleep meds (unison, NyQuil, sleep MD, melatonin) and I literally can't even feel them. I have a lot of anxiety about all the decisions I made while I was abusing pills and no matter how much I try to move on I can't stop that constant racing anxiety feeling. I want to just sleep to forget about it but I obviously can't do that. I have always been a worrier, I tend to internalize things and obsess on them until I eventually over time stop. I am hoping the 20mg of lexapro helps but all the healh issues, financial mistakes, losing my girlfriend, not knowing what to do next with my career, etc seems to be gradually eating away at me. I don't feel the need to use again, but it's really hard to figure out what will take the feeling of hopelessness away. I have been completely free of opiates since mid-March. The insomnia is what is really getting to me the most as it's been going on since mid-Jan since I originally detoxed.

[NeverAgain127]

Hi mate:

Sobriety has to come first.   If the job is making it hard for you to stay clean, the screw the job.   Money doesn't mean anything when you're dead.

You are isolated, no support, no resources.  I'd say you've put yourself in a situation where the chances for relapse are high.  

Think about coming back to the U.S. (Or Europe,wherever) and getting a job that will allow you to focus on staying clean.

Nothing else matters...nothing.

[gnarly_1]

Hi  well the meeting work for me also  if you look into it you should be able to find them world wide  N/A is a national organization do some research without after care I would be sunk......Gnarly

[spider6]

Ya I did glean a bit of that from your prev posts.  I get it.  
Thing is....your sobriety may depend on this particular decision.
You've already changed your mind about some pretty serious ideas and I was surprised to hear that. (Stance on rehab)

Thanks for sharing..it's a fascinating story, which I pray you will only be updating with positive additions.  

Stay strong bud.  Keep posting.

[tramuser99]

Thanks spider, you know they say don't make major decisions early in recovery but I am not in your average situation. Without getting into specifics, I work as a contractor on a compound in one of those countries you see in all the war movies, started doing it without an addiction and back then I enjoyed it.  However now I obviously can't tell my co-workers that the reason I am suddenly this depressed useless being is because I just detoxed off pain meds. You would be surprised on how many contractors face alcoholism and addictions over in these places but it's not the norm or at least you keep it as secret as possible. This lifestyle actually led me to my use, going back to the US and working normal jobs left a big void of excitement in my life, I dabbled in tramadol (when it was considered a non-narcotic) and holy f*ck did it fill that void. The problem was that I continued to take various overseas contracts after that and brought my addiction to those places, my mindset wasn't the clearest and I thought I could tough out anything that happened.

I might not be afraid of incoming mortars and rockets from insurgents, but I am sure as hell afraid of my addict brain and the tiny pills it craves. Addiction will take down the strongest willed people if they try to outsmart it without help, I don't care who you are.

[tramuser99]

I quit all meds since I entered myself into treatment, I didn't use all those simultaneously, I have been in situations where I basically took what was available which is what became so exhausting because I never used dealers or was able to run down the road to fill a script. I had to calculate when crap would arrive because it could take weeks, it was a dangerous and risky game I played for way too long. I should become a CEO in logistics based on my extensive knowledge of the US/International mail system.

I also force myself to the gym but when you don't sleep it's a catch 22 when it comes to working out, I am so wore down that I know my body is not recovering from the workouts. I worked out straight from 1996 to 2012 so I know my body well and the importance of sleep it has, otherwise you can cause energy or just be even more drained the next day after only sleeping 3 hours again.

If the rehab wasn't $400 a day I would just go straight back for 30 days while at least I am not detoxing so much and try to actually learn the steps and CBT work they show you. I used to look down at rehab because of the stigma but I no longer feel that way, I think non addicts should have to attend some type of consistent meetings just to eliminate all the unneeded stress in our lives. Rehab is basically a vacation from reality, and the NA meetings to me were like re-energizing my will to be clean everytime I went. I have been online in the chat rooms but it's not even close to a real meeting.

[spider6]

Hey there t, I've been watching this thread since you posted it this am.  I was waiting to see what kind of response you would get and I haven't really participated too much up til this point and as a result, felt out of place.

Great advice above.  But the job thing.....ya bud, I think you should consider other options.  Jeeeez, I may not ever experience the kind of responsibility or pressure that you currently have in your vocation but I know my own stress levels and soooo many freakin times I've said......I couldn't get through my (fill in blank) without taking something.  Just to get through this one time.  Just to make it through this month, this season.  ...start fresh in the new year. Start fresh when I run out.  Etc. etc. and so on and so on.  

Give it a good think hon, it'll just be an excuse to pick up again.

Prayers peace

[tramuser99]

I suffer from depression as it is so being in these environments in a recovery state is stupid, I really should of not tried to just tough it out and come right back. I was taking way too much to think I would feel stable after 10 days out of treatment.

I don't want to make impulse decisions of this magnitude while in early recovery but I just don't think these environment is going to help. I don't see the freaking sun because of my shift work, it's basically prison but you get paid for it.

[jugglin]

Hi there.  Sorry to hear about your relapse.  Did you learn any tools in treatment that you can put into place to help?  
I understand that you do not have access to any program due to your job sitch, but what about online recovery programs?  NA has online programs.  SMART Recovery is an online program.  I agree that in person aftercare offers so much more, but in your position online aftercare programs are better than no program.  Just a thought.
Hang in there dude.  Trams are gonna mess with your head more than the vicodin I abused due to the makeup of Tram.  Did they explain this in treatment?  You are still new in recovery...be patient.
Your sobriety needs to be your priority....if you can not work on recovery while you are working your job, then you may have a tough choice to make.  Not sure if you are a praying man, but right about now might be a good time to start asking for guidance.
Sending you prayers for strength and guidance.  

[atthebeach]

Hey my friend congrats on your clean time. You have been on this Merry go round for a few years. I think you have come to a crossroads. It is time to seriously think about your life and health. You are making money, but you are at the same time putting your life, sobriety and recovery at risk.


You are living a sheltered and isolated life. No one knows about your addiction. You basically have no accountability.
If I remember correctly you don't attend meetings now that you left the rehab?
Are you in counseling? Do  you ever start back with an exercise regiment?

Recovery is a marathon not a sprint. It needs to become your way of life.
You can't put your recovery in a box. You can't whilte knuckle this.
You need support and accountability.

At this point your brain, mind, spirit and body are still healing. You need to be
Patient with the process. I know from an earlier time you were also using adderal, xanax, pot, Kratom. Are any of those substance still in the mix?

To remain clean, sober and to live a life in recovery thugs are going to have to change.
Your childhood, your depression, anxiety, your looking for something more can be healed, fulfilled and restored. Step back take a look at your life.
Please consider church, meetings, therapy, a new job.
Don't lose hope my friend. There is always hope.
Keep fighting the good fight.
Keep the faith,
Debbie