What's my deal?

[Crames]

First if all I hate to do this because I have a "normal happy life". I shouldn't need anything else. I SHOULD be content. Unfortunately nothing is ever enough. I used to just drink. Then I needed something else to feel this...I guess freedom or happiness?  I went to vicodin. Rather than acting as a depressant it made me feel upbeat and talkative. Then that didn't do it for me anymore. I live doing cocaine too. I only do this stuff one night a weekend so it's not like a debilitating addiction. I'm just scared that I will never be content with just being me. When I work out I get that "high" as well but only for a half hour. Oh did I mention I am prescribed to 30 mg of celexa and clonazapan prn?  I guess I just want to know are there other people who have privileged lives who hate themselves because they can't be content with what they have?? There are starving people all over the world for crying out loud! Logically I know I shouldn't feel this way but unfortunately I do. I know I can't be alone. Support? Advice?  Ps I've been up all night by myself doing drugs after everyone went to bed because I live this feeling so much. Maybe I need to figure our what exactly this "feeling" is and how I can reach it day to day?

[Bubulous]

I like this subject too.  My friend and roommate came from a great family.  He was allowed to pursue any avenue he wished and was supported in all of his decisions.  His college would have been paid for and they always had money.
I came from a dysfunctional, abusive, poor family.  There was no way for me to shine and I had no support.  Drugs and violence was what I knew and what I was used to.
He developed anxiety from the pressure of adding up to the expectations of his family and I developed depression from feeling like I was garbage and I was an unwanted child.
Him and I are recovering together now from the same disease of addiction and the same drug of choice. .

[kyle505]

P.S. - great post by the way. The subject comes up on the forum every now and then, but not often enough.
Thanks.
K

[kyle505]

The people above hit it - as an addict you always want more of something, bottom line. I am an addict. I'm clean from drugs and booze, BUT, I have to watch that I don't over-eat, don't spend too much money on my motorcycle, and don't set the bar too high with regards to my expectations about vacations, trips - anything out of the ordinary.
Yes, I can sit down and watch TV, or read a book, but when I do something or get involved with something, I have to be careful that I don't "O.D."
Such is the life of an addict.
K

[Pat1956100]

Thanks for posting this great info Connie.  I always learn something when I read your replies.  I have a former friend who is obsessed with running and now I know why.  Not a bad thing at all but I think I understand it more.
It's all she posts about on facebook.  Yoga, running etc.  I don't know how many times I have wanted to respond with, "Well, I am eating a bucket of chicken and watching the biggest loser.  Does that count?"
Now I get it.

[clean_in_ks]

http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/bb/neuro/neuro05/web1/isiddiqui.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Hz6-2NwRzE

http://www.hbo.com/addiction/

There is a lot more information out there should you be interested...hope that helps get you started~

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome to the forum!  The "feeling" you are describing most certainly is the fabulous rush of dopamine....in the pleasure center of our brains.

ANYTHING we do that is pleasurable....that we love...whether it's eating a wonderful dessert, having sex, watching our favorite NFL team win a game....or taking a drug that brings us pleasure....ALL those things create a surge/release of the neurotransmitter in our brains called dopamine.

The thing is....certain drugs release 100x the dopamine....as say just eating a delectable dessert.  Then our brain chemistry changes....and we need more and more dopamine to "feel" that way again.

There is SO MUCH you can read about this.  It helped me so much in understanding my addiction to opiates.  Here's just a few links for you...but you can "bing" (or google) the heck out of this topic and learn A LOT.....and understand why it's a "no win" situation at some point....chasing that "feeling" becomes impossible chemistry wise.  The feeling you get after exercise is due to this too....we produce endorphins when we exercise....and they are our bodies natural opiates.  
I'll leave you a couple of links...but I hope you'll come to the place where you realize it doesn't have ANYTHING at all to do with age, race, income, history, lifestyle, profession, etc......it ALL has to do with brain chemistry.  
We become "trapped" in a spiral of obsession and compulsion that only goes iin one direction:  DOWNward.

Glad you're posting...and questioning....that's a start...and that's all you need~

I'll post this and be right back with a couple links as promised~

[brandiroars386]

Drugs to not discriminate. I also lead the good life, and I can tell you, that made no difference when it came to using.  The need to always want more than life has to offer is something I can relate to.  I have finally learned that success and money and all that brings doesn't matter worth a crap if you are not happy in your own skin.  There is no amount of drugs that can do that for you. * Therapy helps immensely, but more importantly finding out the reason behind whats going on in your mind.  Just because we reach the goals we have set out to achieve surely doesn't mean that we are fulfilled by them. I think in order to figure it out, you have to be clean, so there is nothing masking your true feelings.  It can be done, good luck to you.

[OpenMind24hours]

Great subject you're asking about. As an addict I'm a chronic malcontent. I'm addicted to "more", doesn't matter what it is. I feel if I do more it will take this "want" I have within me. It's like this bottomless pit in my chest that I keep filling with people, places and things when I'm clean and nothing but drugs to numb the empty feeling when I'm using. I was completely clean for 27 1/2 years in AA. During that period I worked the steps, wrote personal inventories, made amends to people I had harmed…onward and upward in the task of cleaning up my past. By doing this I totally lost the desire to use any mind altering substance. No craving at all. But I still had the desire for all the people places and things in my life to fill the empty void. I still wasn't content with just "myself". I became addicted to the good things as my AA sponsor said; like work, windsurfing, guitars, playing in bands and even AA meetings - sometimes every day of the week when I retired.. But also some bad things that I had to keep inventory of, and honestly admit to, or they would get out of hand. Then I blew out my back, took vicodin and my sobriety was all over. All my drugs soon came back. Now, clean for over a year, I still feel that chronic discontentment. It's not bad. Anything feels better than the drugs. I personally think some form of  discontentment goes with the territory of being an addict for life. In remaining clean, we always strive for progress, not perfection.

What I CAN do every day is to not self destruct by using. Make being clean the most important thing in my life. Again, learn to be content without using. Learn to love myself again and feel like I'm worth it to stay clean, and to be happy with who I am. It's not where we've been that counts, it's where we're going.

[msdelight]

Hi girl and welcome! Just wanted to add that drugs do not discriminate! Old, young, rich, poor, happy, sad. It's so much more than that. You will keep chasing those good feelings but guess what? There will never be enough drugs.  More more more and then they turn on you! Quit now while you're ahead of them. It is a disease in and of itself. The solution to your problems will quickly become THE problem. Good luck and I hope you decide to stop.

[petsrule]

You may not be numbing but there is something about your 'normal happy life" you are not happy with.  We all have expectations that if we achieve 'x',  'y' and 'z' then its the perfect life and we will be happy.  Look at what is your life item by item and see how each makes you feel.  I wish you the best because one thing I do know the drugs will only mask whatever the situation is and one way or another you will pay the end cost.  I started later in life and did have a 'normal  happy life'  but life isn't perfect.  Best of luck to you.

[Crames]

So something that you said Kathmandu stood out. I'm not trying to numb myself. I'm constantly wanting to feel more? Is there a way to ever feel content?...satisfied? Enough?

[katmandu516]

Hi Crames, and welcome to the forum! Congratulations on your decision to get your life back and become sober again. To answer your question, "Addiction does not discriminate against people."  It doesn't matter how blessed you are to have a charmed life, or you are living in a homeless shelter. But I will tell you this, because I have been in your shoes, there must be an underlying issue you may not even know about that is making you want to numb yourself. You must be in therapy if you are being prescribed Cymbalta and Klonopin. I take the Cymbalta for Major Depression and the Klonopin for Anxiety. Are you in therapy? Write us a little more about yourself. For me, I know I have not had a charmed life whatsoever. But I am working on it. Just being off all the pills I was taking makes me have a charmed life and a grateful mind. Keep posting and Good Luck!!

[CRSeaside]

You are not alone.
Feeling guilty isn't helping you quit. It only makes you feel sorry for yourself.