Why did you stop?

[Jebs317]

I would like to say that I stopped taking pain pills because I knew that they were bad for me.  But......if I was to tell the truth, it was because I ran out early.  It seemed that each month I got the refill, I would run out quicker each month.  This time, I ran out within 8 days.  I finally had to admit to myself that I am in fact, addicted to pain pills and that I was abusing them.  That was hard to admit....but a relief.  I have started the aftercare process with an Addiction Therapist and a rehab. group in my area.  I am relieved that I stopped 23 days ago.
I was just wondering why you stopped taking them?  

[Nitya_Eternal]

Congratulations Jebs317, and I hope today is day 27!!!

To answer your original question, I stopped using because I had no friends, no home, no job, no money, no self-respect, and no self-worth. I had constant blackouts and couldn't look in my own eyes in the mirror. I wanted to die but couldn't summon the courage to off myself, and prayed every "night" that I would fall out again and not wake up in the "morning. I was hearing voices and seeing things that weren't there. One day I found out from acquaintances that my mom and my aunt were coming by to try to find me and I figured they were going to try another intervention. I decided I would let them.

[Jebs317]

With your help.....I made it through the day of my first trigger!

I ended up getting incredible news today which has helped me so much!  My brother left on May 13, 2008 to join the P.C. and he is in Fiji.  He is finally coming home in July!!  He will be home for 30 days and then will return to Fiji, work in Australia and then do 2 years in Thailand.  But.....I get to see him!  He is my baby brother.....I was 12 when he was born.  He is the male version of me.....it's really ridiculous how alike we are.  This has really lifted my spirits and gives me something to look forward to and stay clean for!  I am so excited to finally see him again.

It was a good day after all......

[vicki595]

Kristen...Whew!!!   Disaster diverted!!  Good job~~  (yeah...great minds think alike...you
and Sara were on the same page  :)

xo

[dominosarah]

Baby steps are good......

[Jebs317]

It was a short, but intense walk.  I used to walk for miles every day.....working my way back to that.....with baby steps.

[dominosarah]

Im glad you met them out front.  Doing that makes you in control.  Good for you on taking a walk......sara

[Jebs317]

Wow...........great minds think alike....I didn't even see your post!  LOL
Meeting him outside made me feel much more comfortable.  I am, in no way, strong enough to deal with temptation.  

Thanks Sara

[Jebs317]

I took your advice and I appreciate it so much!
I was outside in the front when they pulled up.  I stayed out front and let my nephew play with our puppy for a little while.  I told my brother in law that I wasn't up to all of the company today.  He didn't seem real happy, since my sister is at work and they will have to "fend for themselves" all day.....but he said that he understood.  I ended up taking a walk after they left.  I thought about all of it and I am NOT strong enough to be faced with that kind of a trigger.

I have an appointment Tuesday night for an evaluation with a rehab. group.  I am hoping to see a therapist as well as the group setting.

Thank you for your help.
Kristen

[vicki595]

Kristin...This is how I see it :  He uses,you know it,you are nervous to be around him,you are in a delicate time in your recovery and you know it !!!   Stay away from him. Cancel off for today.  Your nephew will be okay. I know you love to have the kids together but,Kristen, come on. This is really important for YOU.
This is a huge stressor that you can avoid.  Stress is a trigger anyway !!!  This is an easy fix as I see it...

When you're further along in recovery,I know you'll tell your family. You may need help with that from your therapist(do you have one?).  But,for today, stay away.  I don't like seeing you stressed and worried. Not a good thing.

Vicki  xo

[Jebs317]

I am scared!  The saving grace here is that he doesn't know that I know that he takes pills.  Long story short, he has had 5 back surgeries....my sister has confided in me for years that he is dependent on them.  I have never asked him for any and won't today....that doesn't tempt me.  I am just not ready to be around someone who I KNOW is taking them.  I will never say never, I am not strong enough for that.....but I am just nervous to even have him here.  I don't want to face my ex-boyfriend issue yet and I definitely don't want to look at someone all day who is high on pills.  
Wow.......I feel like such a hypocrite.

Vicki.......thanks and I may be leaning on you today.  You are an angel.

[dominosarah]

This isnt a good thing to put yourself thru.  I would tell him what is going on and lay some ground rules.  Dont jeopardize your clean time.  If you dont tell him then maybe you could meet them outside and just bring your nephew in and when the BIL comes back meet him outside again.  You have to protect your clean time and hold it sacred.....This is about you now........sara

[vicki595]

Hi~  Be careful here...this is dangerous.You have a lot to be worried about...
I advocate for telling the truth to your brother-in-law.  He takes pills...this is a vulnerable time for you at Day 24.   Let me know what you're thinking..
Vicki

[Jebs317]

Thanks for all of your responses....and for all of your support.
Day 24 and I have a huge concern.

I have posted that I have stopped 2 relationships in the past 3 weeks...my best friend and my boyfriend.
The 3rd person who is in my life, who takes pain pills, is my brother in law.  He has been in my life since I was 12.....that's a long time.....31 years.
He called this morning and wants to bring my nephews over to my house for the day.  This man is more like a brother to me and we are very close.
The crazy thing is....his brother is my ex-boyfriend....as of 3 weeks ago.  
Long story short, I know his alterior motive for coming over is to discuss why his brother and I have broken up. (As well as our Sundays are usually spent at my house.)  The past few Sundays I have had the "flu" or some other excuse.  
I am a nervous wreck right now.  I don't know if I'm ready to tell him the truth yet.  I know eventually I will have to come clean to my whole family, but for right now, I am just not ready.
I want my nephews to be at my house on Sundays, just like it's always been...I am just not ready to be honest......and I am definitely NOT ready to spend the day with someone who I know is taking pain pills.  
I kind of think I need to just suck it up and deal with it.  Maybe by tonight when it's over, I will feel different.
Thanks for "listening".....just needed to get this out

[narla]

I stopped because I had a blood test and my liver was becoming damaged due to the amounts of alcohol and codeine I was using.

[gizzy32]

Congrats on your 23 days clean, that is great:) I stopped cause i no longer had a choice. Hitting bottom after bottom was not enough for me until I almost lost my life and paramedics had to put me on a stretcher and was rushed to hospital. It helps me to remember that night now cause I refuse to ever go there again! **** that!

[vicki595]

Yes...I guess the 3 of us were laughing at the same time !!   Feels good,huh?
xo

[krissy30]

my life is so dull and boring right now, i am still lmao!!!  thanks for the good laugh and the support, I have come to adore you both quite a bit in the last 2 weeks.......and i am always happy to make others laugh as well.

[vicki595]

I stopped because I truly believe I will die from it. Or break my neck in some God awful stupor;which is the same thing...


Krissy...I knew you were serious.  LOL  But it was Avisg's reply that got me really laughing...  Whoa..when your dealer tells ya...

[krissy30]

Thanks again.  Appreciate it.

[avisg]

LOL I figured you were being serious .I am going to do some research for you this week the big city you live by is where i live so I am  going to try to find you something ..

[krissy30]

lmao!!!  I was so serious and was wondering if everyone thought I was being sarcastic, I am so serious....He told my family I was out of control and next thing i knew i was being taken to SC w/ my parents.   He pretty much told me i was a bad influence on him....in actuality, he is a good friend and I still have contact with him...

[avisg]

krissy yeah you know its gotten bad when your drug dealer tells you LOL


lee,ohhh he is fine know a little spitfire .You never completely let your Gard down there is always a chance for to to metastasize to some other organ but the more time that passes the better :).

[stilltrying1965]

I stoped taking heroin because my family needed me i was putting them at risk to extreme violence witch is were it all ended. Also the heroin would have killed me i was useing too much. my wife is also ill and needs me clean i could go on and on with reasons why i should have stopped. Im just sooo happy that im clean for now. But i will do anything not to relaps again.,,,,,James
P S Congrats on 23 days  jebsyou are doing an awesome job good luck and keep moving in the right direction !!!!!!1