Aa
You don't know me, but you are like family
Hello MH family! I have been lurking on this site for over a year and never got up the nerve to post. I have followed all of you. Your getting clean, your struggles with WD's, your (unfortunate) relapses. A lot of the posts have brought me to tears. You see, I have been there. This is a VERY long story, but will try to make it as short as possible.
My love affair with opiates began in 2003. My best friend and I were in my medicine cabinet looking for something and I had an old bottle of Vicodin from when I had a root canal done. It had been there over a year and I had never touched it. My friend: OMG!! You have Vicodin?? Let's take some!! Me: But I'm not in any pain. My friend: You dork! You don't have to be in any pain to take them!! I will never forget that day and how I should have just said no and given them to her....
Fast forward 3 years and I am now taking 15-17 10/325 Norcos daily. I always got them legally. Through a pain clinic where I was going due to chronic pelvic pain. I also was working for an OB/GYN Dr at the time that I had been working at for 13 years. He and I were very close. He was writing me Rx's also and I would take those when I ran out early from the ones the clinic had given me. One of my duties at work was to open the mail. One day I opened an envelope from the DEA. Guess who it was about? Yep. Me. It had a list of all the Rx's I had got, both of the prescribing Dr's and the myriad of different pharmacies I used. I kept that letter in my purse for 2 days while I tried to figure out what to do. I sat down with my boss, physician and best friend and handed it to him while I cried.
I took a leave of absence from work to attend outpatient rehab 5 days a week. The dr who ran the program put me on Subutex. They didn't have strips back then, it was a pill. I went down a little bit every week til I was on a little tiny chunk and then I stopped. I think I was on it about 3 months. I had no WD's at all when I stopped. I never did any kind of real aftercare except that I started attending a unity church. I got very into holistic things like acupuncture, yoga and meditation. I was doing and feeling great. Then after awhile, I started to slack off....
Fast forward to 2009. I had almost 2 years clean, except for the occasional Vicodin Rx when I had dental work or whatnot. Then I started having really bad almost daily headaches. I went to my GP and they gave me Darvocet. Do you think I said anything about my history as an addict? Of course not! My marriage was failing and I was generally unhappy and I know now I was looking to feel numb again. I took the Darvocet, always running out early of course, for about 6 months. I think Darvocet has been pulled off the market now. My GP finally wised up and said no more and I was opiate free for a year.
In 2010, I started getting really bad pain on the left side of my lower back. I went to an urgent care (they were also a GP) and they gave me Vicodin (yay!! in my head) and ordered an MRI. The MRI showed that I had a herniated disk in that area. They said I needed to go to physical therapy. I did and it made it worse. Worse than that, one of the guys doing stretches and massage on me started trying to touch places he shouldn't. He was fired shortly after when I complained. So, I was referred to a pain management clinic. Here we go again....
The dr they sent me to was great. Female, only her in the practice and we got along like best friends. She started me on Oxycontin twice a day and Norco up to 6 a day for breakthrough pain. I never liked Oxycontin. I loved my Norco though and I would always run out early and came up with a million excuses to get them early. She finally ran a report, however they do and saw that I had been getting them too often, using different pharmacies, etc. On my routine monthly visit, she confronted me and told me she was dropping me as a patient. She gave me the name of another pain dr I could go to.
So, I started with him and am with him to this day. His practice is nuts. Sooo busy. I think he is basically a drug dealer with a degree. I am on Norco 10/325, supposed to take up to 7 a day. I was doing ok with that until I had an incident in January where I had something go wrong with my right leg and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. I have some kind of Neuropathy and RSD in my right leg. It is extremely painful. The hospital gave me Percocet 10/325. So then I was on that AND Norco. I went to my GP who gave me more percs and of course my pain dr is giving me Norcos.
So the point I'm at now is I am taking about 5 Percocets and 8 Norcos a day. I know that I could probably manage my pain without them. I know it is a matter of time until I get "caught" again. I left my husband a little over a year ago and that was very painful. Not sure if I'm ready to feel yet....
I just wanted to share my story with you all and let you know how inspirational all of you are. I know I can do this. I have before. I think my problem was no aftercare. Plus, it is just too easy to go down the street to an urgent care and get your drug of choice. How does anyone stay clean when your d.o.c. is something that has a legitimate purpose? Why can other people have these in their house for years and not touch them and I cannot??
I am not clean or really trying to get clean, so I probably don't deserve to post on here with you wonderful, strong people. Just know that I am reading all of your posts. Everyday. I smile and cry along with you. My day will come :) I think it will be soon. Since I have been lurking here for over a year, deep down inside I think I am craving sobriety. This will definitely be the place I come for support :) Love and strength to all of you!
My love affair with opiates began in 2003. My best friend and I were in my medicine cabinet looking for something and I had an old bottle of Vicodin from when I had a root canal done. It had been there over a year and I had never touched it. My friend: OMG!! You have Vicodin?? Let's take some!! Me: But I'm not in any pain. My friend: You dork! You don't have to be in any pain to take them!! I will never forget that day and how I should have just said no and given them to her....
Fast forward 3 years and I am now taking 15-17 10/325 Norcos daily. I always got them legally. Through a pain clinic where I was going due to chronic pelvic pain. I also was working for an OB/GYN Dr at the time that I had been working at for 13 years. He and I were very close. He was writing me Rx's also and I would take those when I ran out early from the ones the clinic had given me. One of my duties at work was to open the mail. One day I opened an envelope from the DEA. Guess who it was about? Yep. Me. It had a list of all the Rx's I had got, both of the prescribing Dr's and the myriad of different pharmacies I used. I kept that letter in my purse for 2 days while I tried to figure out what to do. I sat down with my boss, physician and best friend and handed it to him while I cried.
I took a leave of absence from work to attend outpatient rehab 5 days a week. The dr who ran the program put me on Subutex. They didn't have strips back then, it was a pill. I went down a little bit every week til I was on a little tiny chunk and then I stopped. I think I was on it about 3 months. I had no WD's at all when I stopped. I never did any kind of real aftercare except that I started attending a unity church. I got very into holistic things like acupuncture, yoga and meditation. I was doing and feeling great. Then after awhile, I started to slack off....
Fast forward to 2009. I had almost 2 years clean, except for the occasional Vicodin Rx when I had dental work or whatnot. Then I started having really bad almost daily headaches. I went to my GP and they gave me Darvocet. Do you think I said anything about my history as an addict? Of course not! My marriage was failing and I was generally unhappy and I know now I was looking to feel numb again. I took the Darvocet, always running out early of course, for about 6 months. I think Darvocet has been pulled off the market now. My GP finally wised up and said no more and I was opiate free for a year.
In 2010, I started getting really bad pain on the left side of my lower back. I went to an urgent care (they were also a GP) and they gave me Vicodin (yay!! in my head) and ordered an MRI. The MRI showed that I had a herniated disk in that area. They said I needed to go to physical therapy. I did and it made it worse. Worse than that, one of the guys doing stretches and massage on me started trying to touch places he shouldn't. He was fired shortly after when I complained. So, I was referred to a pain management clinic. Here we go again....
The dr they sent me to was great. Female, only her in the practice and we got along like best friends. She started me on Oxycontin twice a day and Norco up to 6 a day for breakthrough pain. I never liked Oxycontin. I loved my Norco though and I would always run out early and came up with a million excuses to get them early. She finally ran a report, however they do and saw that I had been getting them too often, using different pharmacies, etc. On my routine monthly visit, she confronted me and told me she was dropping me as a patient. She gave me the name of another pain dr I could go to.
So, I started with him and am with him to this day. His practice is nuts. Sooo busy. I think he is basically a drug dealer with a degree. I am on Norco 10/325, supposed to take up to 7 a day. I was doing ok with that until I had an incident in January where I had something go wrong with my right leg and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. I have some kind of Neuropathy and RSD in my right leg. It is extremely painful. The hospital gave me Percocet 10/325. So then I was on that AND Norco. I went to my GP who gave me more percs and of course my pain dr is giving me Norcos.
So the point I'm at now is I am taking about 5 Percocets and 8 Norcos a day. I know that I could probably manage my pain without them. I know it is a matter of time until I get "caught" again. I left my husband a little over a year ago and that was very painful. Not sure if I'm ready to feel yet....
I just wanted to share my story with you all and let you know how inspirational all of you are. I know I can do this. I have before. I think my problem was no aftercare. Plus, it is just too easy to go down the street to an urgent care and get your drug of choice. How does anyone stay clean when your d.o.c. is something that has a legitimate purpose? Why can other people have these in their house for years and not touch them and I cannot??
I am not clean or really trying to get clean, so I probably don't deserve to post on here with you wonderful, strong people. Just know that I am reading all of your posts. Everyday. I smile and cry along with you. My day will come :) I think it will be soon. Since I have been lurking here for over a year, deep down inside I think I am craving sobriety. This will definitely be the place I come for support :) Love and strength to all of you!
Thank you Lu for reaching out to us both...I can't tell how much that meant to me. First let me say what an inspiration you are and I am so sorry to hear of everything you've been through...no one deserves that! It makes me so happy to hear that you have been blessed with a second chance, love and everything that you deserve!!! You will be in my prayers as you fight to stay within your current plan because you need the meds at this time...you can't live in pain! Most of all, I pray that you are able to conceive once you've been through this next surgery...I've never met you but I can tell what a wonderful Mom you'd be! My girls and husband are what makes me fight to get though this...it's because of them though that I have such guilt and feel like a failure.
I've certainly been given the chronic pain patient title. My Pain a Doc has helped immensely. I just want to know how I will feel being on nothing...how much pain do I really have?
The goal is get me off the Fentanyl first. I was to go down by 12mcg this month...which would put me at 63mcg since I was originally at 75mcg. But because I've gone through my Percocets again too fast, I've decided to stay at 75mcg but stretch it out to changing every 3 days instead of 2 like I'm prescribed...that's the only way I can do it with the patches I have. I hope I'm making sense. I have 20 Percs left until 7/24. I'm going on a trip 7/18-7/21 and would like to have some available for then just in case. It is so hard to not take a pill! I'm so mad at myself for going through them like candy...why do I have to take them to feel normal???
How did you taper the Fentanyl may I ask?
Thank you for being there she sharing your story, feel free to PM me if you'd like...hugs to you!
Sara
I've certainly been given the chronic pain patient title. My Pain a Doc has helped immensely. I just want to know how I will feel being on nothing...how much pain do I really have?
The goal is get me off the Fentanyl first. I was to go down by 12mcg this month...which would put me at 63mcg since I was originally at 75mcg. But because I've gone through my Percocets again too fast, I've decided to stay at 75mcg but stretch it out to changing every 3 days instead of 2 like I'm prescribed...that's the only way I can do it with the patches I have. I hope I'm making sense. I have 20 Percs left until 7/24. I'm going on a trip 7/18-7/21 and would like to have some available for then just in case. It is so hard to not take a pill! I'm so mad at myself for going through them like candy...why do I have to take them to feel normal???
How did you taper the Fentanyl may I ask?
Thank you for being there she sharing your story, feel free to PM me if you'd like...hugs to you!
Sara
I should comment on your thread but I'm going to comment here instead. Your situation is SOOOOOO similar to mine. I had 3 surgeries over a period of four years and I have 4 painful chronic illnesses. After my last surgery I ended up on Fentanyl because my tolerance had grown so high and my surgery (total pelvic reconstruction) was incredibly painful with long recovery time. I had never run out of pills early before, I had always taken them responsibly. But when my pain doctor switched me from hydro for break through pain to oxy I knew I was in trouble. It gave me a buzz, and helped me to get through not just the physical pain I was going through, but the emotional as well. After my last surgery my husband began to abuse me sexually. He had been verbally abusing me for months, but I was so tired and felt so worthless and unloveable that I believed I deserved it. My wake up call came when he would come home high and drunk two weeks after my surgery and force me to have sex with him. This went on for a couple of months. I developed walking pneumonia and my pain pill use increased. I began going through scripts in record time. Of course it was easy for me to justify this because I was post-op and had pneumonia.
It wasn't until one night when my husband came home and I locked myself in our guest room to get away from him that my reality check came. I heard a voice inside my head that said "Get out. Run. Never look back. If you stay here you are going to die."
So I barred the door with a dresser and waited for him to pass out. I packed a small bag and called my dad, took my dog and left. I never went back. It took him four days to call me. He didn't understand how I could leave him.
I wallowed for awhile, still heavily using until I had another wake up call. I took too many breakthrough pills and combined with the benzos and sleeping pills my breathing almost stopped. My mom found me and called an ambulance. That was when I REALLY knew I was in trouble.
I started to taper. I got off the fentanyl first. My taper (as I mentioned above was miserable) I felt like death every day. So after about 7 months I just gave in and jumped at 100 mg of oxy.
It was the best decision I have EVER made (other than leaving my d-bag husband)
I got myself into serious aftercare- not just for my addiction but for my PTSD from all the medical trauma and abuse. I worked harder at my recovery than I have EVER worked at anything. Fast forward 2 years and I owned my own lovely home, a business doing what I loved built from scratch, a whole new group of amazing and supportive friends, and finally- a man that loves, respects, and supports me 100%.
I chose life. And I was rewarded.
7 months ago my stage 4 endometriosis returned with a vengeance. I held off taking pain meds for as long as possible, until my doctor, family, boyfriend, and friends intervened (including my friends here on MH) I realized I was doing more damage to myself suffering than I would taking pills. So we set up a plan, I signed an opiate contract with my doctor, and put my boyfriend in charge of the pills. I am still working on myself in aftercare and have stepped up the support to deal with the physical and emotional stress that comes with this terrible illness. I am currently waiting surgery and will hopefully conceive soon after.
At this point I am just fighting to not slide backwards, to hold on to my business, and to take good care of myself.
I just wanted to share my story in hopes that you can see the power of choosing to get yourself back. It is the most empowering thing that there is. I wish this for both of you.
Lu
It wasn't until one night when my husband came home and I locked myself in our guest room to get away from him that my reality check came. I heard a voice inside my head that said "Get out. Run. Never look back. If you stay here you are going to die."
So I barred the door with a dresser and waited for him to pass out. I packed a small bag and called my dad, took my dog and left. I never went back. It took him four days to call me. He didn't understand how I could leave him.
I wallowed for awhile, still heavily using until I had another wake up call. I took too many breakthrough pills and combined with the benzos and sleeping pills my breathing almost stopped. My mom found me and called an ambulance. That was when I REALLY knew I was in trouble.
I started to taper. I got off the fentanyl first. My taper (as I mentioned above was miserable) I felt like death every day. So after about 7 months I just gave in and jumped at 100 mg of oxy.
It was the best decision I have EVER made (other than leaving my d-bag husband)
I got myself into serious aftercare- not just for my addiction but for my PTSD from all the medical trauma and abuse. I worked harder at my recovery than I have EVER worked at anything. Fast forward 2 years and I owned my own lovely home, a business doing what I loved built from scratch, a whole new group of amazing and supportive friends, and finally- a man that loves, respects, and supports me 100%.
I chose life. And I was rewarded.
7 months ago my stage 4 endometriosis returned with a vengeance. I held off taking pain meds for as long as possible, until my doctor, family, boyfriend, and friends intervened (including my friends here on MH) I realized I was doing more damage to myself suffering than I would taking pills. So we set up a plan, I signed an opiate contract with my doctor, and put my boyfriend in charge of the pills. I am still working on myself in aftercare and have stepped up the support to deal with the physical and emotional stress that comes with this terrible illness. I am currently waiting surgery and will hopefully conceive soon after.
At this point I am just fighting to not slide backwards, to hold on to my business, and to take good care of myself.
I just wanted to share my story in hopes that you can see the power of choosing to get yourself back. It is the most empowering thing that there is. I wish this for both of you.
Lu
Hi Dee Dee, I'm Sara. I just posted yesterday...my title was something like why do I go through my Percocets so fast? Why am I not me anymore? Where did I go? I to often drive around and think the same thing...how can people get through life without pain meds? It's been a battle for me for 4 years, 10 surgeries later and a legitimate need for the meds that has spun out of control. I've been through w/d's before...last month I was so fed up I flushed 2 and a half weeks of Percocet. I survived...stayed out of w/d cuz I'm on a Fentanyl patch too but I hate myself for getting my Percocet script again and here I am going through it way too fast!
I feel your pain and know what you are going through and want you to know I'm here. I can't do the roller coaster anymore. I need to stop the excuses...I want me back and my hubby and kids deserve that and so much more! I can remember having 2 c-sections and never taking the pain meds after cuz I didn't want it in my breast milk...WOW...what happened to me? I read my post back and I see a lot of "me"...that has to stop cuz I'm killing myself slowly and it's a miserable existence. Where do I go from here? Not sure. All I know is I'm DONE. Let's help each other. Hugs to you and everyone who has replied and shared their stories...you are all such blessings!!! Thank you for being there for us! xoxo
I feel your pain and know what you are going through and want you to know I'm here. I can't do the roller coaster anymore. I need to stop the excuses...I want me back and my hubby and kids deserve that and so much more! I can remember having 2 c-sections and never taking the pain meds after cuz I didn't want it in my breast milk...WOW...what happened to me? I read my post back and I see a lot of "me"...that has to stop cuz I'm killing myself slowly and it's a miserable existence. Where do I go from here? Not sure. All I know is I'm DONE. Let's help each other. Hugs to you and everyone who has replied and shared their stories...you are all such blessings!!! Thank you for being there for us! xoxo
I kept them all in a little plastic bag in my pocket! Always on my person, morning noon and night!
When I was using my purse was never away from me. Thats where my bottle of pills was. I would even take it to the bathroom with me at home! Now I dont even know where my purse is! Life is so much better. Granted it wasnt easy but doable. I took pills for 18 years. You have to learn different habits and ways of thinking. And I cant wait to post on your first 30 days clean :-)
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