You don't know me, but you are like family

[DeeDee718]

Hello MH family! I have been lurking on this site for over a year and never got up the nerve to post. I have followed all of you. Your getting clean, your struggles with WD's, your (unfortunate) relapses. A lot of the posts have brought me to tears. You see, I have been there. This is a VERY long story, but will try to make it as short as possible.

My love affair with opiates began in 2003. My best friend and I were in my medicine cabinet looking for something and I had an old bottle of Vicodin from when I had a root canal done. It had been there over a year and I had never touched it. My friend: OMG!! You have Vicodin?? Let's take some!! Me: But I'm not in any pain. My friend: You dork! You don't have to be in any pain to take them!! I will never forget that day and how I should have just said no and given them to her....

Fast forward 3 years and I am now taking 15-17 10/325 Norcos daily. I always got them legally. Through a pain clinic where I was going due to chronic pelvic pain. I also was working for an OB/GYN Dr at the time that I had been working at for 13 years. He and I were very close. He was writing me Rx's also and I would take those when I ran out early from the ones the clinic had given me. One of my duties at work was to open the mail. One day I opened an envelope from the DEA. Guess who it was about? Yep. Me. It had a list of all the Rx's I had got, both of the prescribing Dr's and the myriad of different pharmacies I used. I kept that letter in my purse for 2 days while I tried to figure out what to do. I sat down with my boss, physician and best friend and handed it to him while I cried.

  I took a leave of absence from work to attend outpatient rehab 5 days a week. The dr who ran the program put me on Subutex. They didn't have strips back then, it was a pill. I went down a little bit every week til I was on a little tiny chunk and then I stopped. I think I was on it about 3 months. I had no WD's at all when I stopped. I never did any kind of real aftercare except that I started attending a unity church. I got very into holistic things like acupuncture, yoga and meditation. I was doing and feeling great. Then after awhile, I started to slack off....

Fast forward to 2009. I had almost 2 years clean, except for the occasional Vicodin Rx when I had dental work or whatnot. Then I started having really bad almost daily headaches. I went to my GP and they gave me Darvocet. Do you think I said anything about my history as an addict? Of course not! My marriage was failing and I was generally unhappy and I know now I was looking to feel numb again. I took the Darvocet, always running out early of course, for about 6 months. I think Darvocet has been pulled off the market now. My GP finally wised up and said no more and I was opiate free for a year.

In 2010, I started getting really bad pain on the left side of my lower back. I went to an urgent care (they were also a GP) and they gave me Vicodin (yay!! in my head) and ordered an MRI. The MRI showed that I had a herniated disk in that area. They said I needed to go to physical therapy. I did and it made it worse. Worse than that, one of the guys doing stretches and massage on me started trying to touch places he shouldn't. He was fired shortly after when I complained. So, I was referred to a pain management clinic. Here we go again....

  The dr they sent me to was great. Female, only her in the practice and we got along like best friends. She started me on Oxycontin twice a day and Norco up to 6 a day for breakthrough pain. I never liked Oxycontin. I loved my Norco though and I would always run out early and came up with a million excuses to get them early. She finally ran a report, however they do and saw that I had been getting them too often, using different pharmacies, etc. On my routine monthly visit, she confronted me and told me she was dropping me as a patient. She gave me the name of another pain dr I could go to.

  So, I started with him and am with him to this day. His practice is nuts. Sooo busy. I think he is basically a drug dealer with a degree. I am on Norco 10/325, supposed to take up to 7 a day. I was doing ok with that until I had an incident in January where I had something go wrong with my right leg and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. I have some kind of Neuropathy and RSD in my right leg. It is extremely painful. The hospital gave me Percocet 10/325. So then I was on that AND Norco. I went to my GP who gave me more percs and of course my pain dr is giving me Norcos.

  So the point I'm at now is I am taking about 5 Percocets and 8 Norcos a day. I know that I could probably manage my pain without them. I know it is a matter of time until I get "caught" again. I left my husband a little over a year ago and that was very painful. Not sure if I'm ready to feel yet....

  I just wanted to share my story with you all and let you know how inspirational all of you are. I know I can do this. I have before. I think my problem was no aftercare. Plus, it is just too easy to go down the street to an urgent care and get your drug of choice. How does anyone stay clean when your d.o.c. is something that has a legitimate purpose? Why can other people have these in their house for years and not touch them and I cannot??

  I am not clean or really trying to get clean, so I probably don't deserve to post on here with you wonderful, strong people. Just know that I am reading all of your posts. Everyday. I smile and cry along with you. My day will come :) I think it will be soon. Since I have been lurking here for over a year, deep down inside I think I am craving sobriety. This will definitely be the place I come for support :) Love and strength to all of you!

[lulu747]

Wow that is quite a story.  Listen girl- I feel for you.  But don't you want to get off this merry go round?  It is only going to get worse.  I am gonna be tough on you here but with love okay?  Get your butt into aftercare and start coming clean.  You are at risk of losing everything and eventually if you don't stop- your life.  Addiction is a progressive disease.  As long as you keep feeding it it will grow into a monster that is out of control (it sounds as though you are already there)
I'm saying this because I want you to be healthy and happy.
I'm saying this because YOU DESERVE to be healthy and happy.
Please get clean while it is still your choice.  And then fight for your sobriety harder than you have ever fought for anything.
That is what it takes.
We will all support you.
I think it's time DeeDee.  But you gotta want it.  Bad.
Please do it before you lose anything else.
Sending support....
Lu

[Heather8448]

I have 5 ruptured discs, severe arthritis, and im 30...i havent touched a pain pill in 372 days. I do stretches, i take non narcotic nsaid like naproxen. I talk about my pain. I avoid doctors but they all know my last name Heather Addict. I fight always. I talk to a sponsor, i have people in na w legit pain some take them some dont i get advice. I stay grateful and i dont use no matter what. Heat ice prayer stretches, helping people makes me forget im in pain. I feel yah but i cant ever do that im an addict, its cool reading your story and i know u can do this xo

[msdelight]

Welcome to the forum! Wow that is quite a story! I'm so glad you posted.  You deserve to be here as much or more than anyone. Coming to terms with our addictions and learning how to live clean is what this site is all about.  I started here the same way as you! Stick around!

[VICourageous]

Nice Post! I have to agree with Lu..You have been here reading for a very long time, so you should know the Drill..Get into that Aftercare for Support. Stop the Merry-go-round now before it is to late. Also try doing some research on Addiction and how it works the Brain. There is no cure but it can be arrested..Start TODAY! You will be so glad you did. Stock up on all the things we have talked about on here over and over..Drinks LOTS of Fluids right now to help flush these poisons out..COME ON YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Yep! Come on down, the price is right!!
Bless

[Amandag78]

Hello, just giving you my support : )
Im glad you finally decided to post !!

[Sonrissa]

Hi DeeDee, welcome to posting. I'm so glad that you did!  Your story is very compelling. I feel for you, and I understand. I really hope that you will come to your own decision to quit for good, very soon.  It makes is much easier, in my opinion, if you quit because YOU want to, not because you are forced to or are caught. We will be here to support you no matter when that is, and I hope it is soon! I wish you the best, and keep posting. So happy you shared your story and joined us! Take care!

[jugglin]

Wow girl - what a journey you have had.  I, like you, lurked awhile before posting and completely understand the feelings you are having of the MH folks and their stories. It is very cool to be a part of this site and meet all of these wonderful friends who are genuinely caring, loving and supportive.

Before long, you will be caught again and things may not be so easy to get out of...you could have some serious legal ramifications.  With that said, please look out for you.  This is your life and we only get one.  We are here to support you!  Writing your first post was a HUGE deal.  You should be so proud of you - I know I am.  You are worth fighting for dear girl!
Prayers and hugs your way!

[jifmoc]

Oh, man, how I relate. Especially the eternal question "Why can some people just leave these in their homes and never touch em while I cannot?" I still ask that, having never, ever been addicted to anything before I met norco (and same, norco blew every opiate out of the water for me, too.) But, it doesn't matter. Addiction is "cunning, baffling and powerful." I'm sure you've heard that.

I loved reading your honest, articulate post. But it made me sad. And tired for you. So many years of trouble and bullsh!t, manipulating, lying to everyone: being an addict is a full time job. W/O any benefits. You may not realize it, but "lurking" around and reading for a year is a step. In the right direction.

You said the most important thing of all at the end: I'm not ready. Well, that says it all. And why not? You gotta really ask yourself, why not? What are you afraid of? Also, (gonna be a bit direct here), it's safe to assume that you wrote all that great stuff while high. (You may not feel "high" anymore, just normal) but you are still writing as you are numbed, feeling no pain, and are still planning your next dose. You aren't YOU. The real, cool you under there. Can you write again, when you are detoxing? All the great support above will feel and look different when you are sober.  Please post under whatever influence you are, that's totally fine, no judgement. I just mean for you to get the benefit of what everyone wrote AND what you wrote, when you are totally clear headed. And if you want your next detox to be your last, (you know this), everyone on here will virtually hold your hand step by step.

Amazing post, Deedee. It really struck me and I feel so bad for you.  Please keep posting.

[DeeDee718]

  Wow. Just wow. I logged in expecting maybe one or two replies. I hadn't even read any of the posts and I saw that there were 8 replies and I started to cry. You're all right. Maybe I am ready. jifmoc - wow. Your post resonated the most with me. You are so spot on. Nope, I don't feel "high". That went away a long time ago, as all of you long time users know. I take them to get out of bed, take care of my 4-year-old and take care of my household. That is so sad. I don't want to be dependent on pills to be able to do that. Question - before u guys got clean, did you look at other people just walking down the street going about their day and wonder, how do they function without taking pills? Why can't I be like that?

  These posts have really made me think sooner rather than later. I knew before this you were all wonderful people. After reading my post, where I state I am still using, you are still so non-judgemental and loving and supportive. I am going to be doing some serious thinking....

  Thank god for all of you. You have no idea what you have just done for me....

[saspan]

I,m not here to be harsh but you just stated I,m going to be doing some serious thinking.lady this is,nt about serious thinking.this is,nt a game.whats it gonna take for you?the scenario you described sounds like the only thing you got left is jails ,institutions and death.everyone  appreciates the fact your reading post but you said it has been a year and now your gonna seriously think about it.what more do you have to reflect on? wish ya well.

[DeeDee718]

  That was extremely harsh and downright rude. By the way, my name is not lady.

[Ben727]

I think you ARE being overly harsh, and it does not sound like DeeDee is anywhere near "jails, institutions, or death". I think it's great that she's doing serious thinking, because for some of us, serious thinking is what led to getting clean.

[Brightfutureahead]

Hi Deedee. Just wanted to touch on something you said...about how you walk down the street, look around at people, and wonder how they function without pills. I remember I used  to be so envious of them. If you dig your heels in deep you can actually be one of those people! I am constantly reminding myself to be grateful for my sobriety and once in a while I'll pause life and give myself a quick little pat on the back for beig one of 'those people.'

No time like today Dee...  :-)

[Ben727]

I just had to say that I used to constantly look at random people and be insanely jealous that they were able to function without pills. I used to think that about people on TV and movies too!

I once stood in your shoes, like a lot of people on here. Two years clean from hydrocodone this summer. It is absolutely possible to beat your addiction! You can do it!

[saspan]

I,m not gonna argue with an addict, because their always right in their minds.doctor shopping will put you in jail.the longer you go without help you are getting closer to jails,institutions and death.addicts don,t take criticism so well, I guess it hurts their feelings. it sounds like rationalizations not working. maybe you need some tough love.i,m not saying any of this too be mean,believe me I,ve been there time and time again.i truly hope you get the help you need.  

[msdelight]

I absolutely looked at people and wondered how they could be laughing and going through their day without pills! I realized only after I quit that the way I viewed the world when using was very hopeless and negative and horrible.  It was so bad I just HAD to keep using. Thing is, when I woke up from the detox I realized that although things were not ideal, it wasn't really THAT bad, you know, still breathing .  I began to see all the BEAUTY. All the things I was also numbing out along with the bad. So I learned about the addict brain,  and how it tricks us, even when looking at random people in the supermarket going about their day!

[Coloradobullygirl30]

We are all addicts. Sum r in recovery sum arnt most of us were still using when we first posted. When u r ready deedee let us know and we will walk u thru. If u relapses we will be here to confess to. Without judgement. Because we are ALL the same. I'm two months clean but I used for 12 years. I'm no better then u. Neither r the people with more clen time. Don't let sum comment stop u from finding out how it feels not to depend on pills. I would like u to read my post. Since I'm newly clean . But have been on this site for years

[jifmoc]

OMG, I actually used to say that to my best friend "How on earth on are these people being productive without pills??" AND, same as actors in movies!
Guess what though, YOU probably "look" like one of those people: fine, productive etc. So did I. We can hide it really well. If a nice sized chunk of the population is addicted to opiates (don't know the stats) then there are LOTS of folks out there wondering the same while seeming fine. So, no need to compare. It will only make you feel more alone and more effed up,ya know?

I'm very glad my response resonated so much w/ you.  I'm writing back now instead of earlier because I just got home from a meeting where I go every day. Never thought I'd see that day happen just like you. Point is, you are SPOT on about aftercare. I quit one year ago, but didn't do ANY type of aftercare, and just kept relapsing over and over.

Glad to hear so SERIOUS thinking going on.

[Clarityrocks]

I am here to offer my support too. I don't post much in the last several months, but I am also lurking. I wanted to say that I totally agree with jifmoc, reading your post reminded me of the stress from when I was using, and how exhausting it all was, and I always feel a terrible sadness for anyone still stuck in that cycle. It was like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders the day I got clean. No more lying, hiding, counting pills, and all the other sketchy behavior that goes along with it. I also felt jealous of people just living their lives somehow without pills, I didn't realize other people felt that way too! Lol. Now, I frequently marvel that I can take my kids to the movies without have to gear up with a handful of pills to be able to get through it. Everyone has given you great support, and you wouldn't be here lurking if you weren't trying to head in this direction, my friend. It's just a matter of when you are ready to make the jump, however that looks. These people are amazing, and we'll be here when you do.
Allison

[smiles4eva]

Saying you are craving sobriety tells me you have the desire to quit.  Keep reading and keep posting. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Just wanted to offer my support and remind you that you aren't alone.
I admire your courage to speak your truth.

[gnarly_1]

Hi dede nice to meet you  well I read your post and it was a lot like my life story with the pills you have relapsed many times for addicts like you and I we need to treat the disease addiction will not go away on its own even if you quit the pills your still a addict we think differently the the ''Normie'' you need to understand this disease is deadly.. for me I tried just about every thing as fare as aftercare but it was the rooms of N/A that  worked it is free and one addict helping another is without Parallel your life does not need to be a rollercoster there is a life without pills and addictive behavior it is just up to you to take things in your own hands...''nothing changes if nothing changes'' we all want to see you get clean  keep posting for support...................Gnarly...................................

[DeeDee718]

  Thank you so much for all your positive and supportive replies. It feels so good to know that I am not the only one who thinks and feels the way I do. We are all the same in so many ways. Amazing how a little pill can dictate your life. "Ok, I have to go grocery shopping at 2pm, so I will pop my pill at 1pm so I'm at my peak energy" or "I have to get ready for work at 6am, so I will get up at 5am and pop my pills so I will be able to take a shower and do my makeup". How sad is that? I have been living like this for a long time. I am getting tired of looking at everything through foggy glasses. I need to see clearly again. I have done it before, I can do it again.

  I just got my refills for the month last week. I am going to try and do a slow taper and not get my refills next month. I know you are probably all yelling "Flush them!! Flush them!!" C'mon now, I'm an addict, I cannot bring myself to flush 210 Norco and 120 Percocet. Both of which I paid $10 for with my insurance. That is nuts. How do you stop taking something that (for me) is so cheap and easy to get?? This is going to be a challenge...

[weaver71]

Once the realization that the benefits of sobriety outweigh the cost, that is when we quit, or seriously start trying anyway. Pills create the illusion that we function better, get more done, are more social, but it is an illusion. It's like when I took LSD as a teen. I was convinced I just wrote the best poem ever and had discovered new depths of reality. That is how it feels, but the poem was garbage and my discovery was a simple thought amplified by drugs. It's hard to see it when one is still using. We can't imagine doing things sober, because our sober memories are so far in the past. After being clean awhile, I honestly wonder how I functioned on drugs, that is harder to believe than how I function sober. So, realize the drugs are deceiving you. I mean, look how many sober people with time say it is easier and better, it's pure logic, of coarse it is. Logic goes out the window in addiction, that is what makes things so hard to believe.

[Clarityrocks]

One of the most amazing tools in my recovery has been other addicts. There is something so powerful in knowing you are not alone, we all felt this way. It was terrible, not knowing if I should make plans next week, because I wasn't sure what my pill situation would be by then. It was like being in prison for me. Give some thought to your aftercare, whatever that may be for you. For me, I went to outpatient and I also hit a lot of meetings  and hearing from other addicts just somehow made it easier to stay the course. You will not regret it, I promise you. If you are able to taper, more power to you, I was never able to. If I had those pills, I was going to take them, and rationalize that I would take less tomorrow, etc. I am sure you have read this before, but once you really decide you want out of this nightmare (that's how it felt to me, lol) there are some things that are so important- Cut your sources, tell your secret, get aftercare. I am pulling for you!
Allison