admitting mistakes

[inoverhead]

i.m feeling pretty much a low as a person can feel. i am 6 days clean off norco 10/325 8-10-13 aday and i am also bi polar. i have hurt the people closest to me that have always been there for me and i am now coming clean to them. all they have done this past week is support me and i turn around and tell them about some things i have done that has effected their lives. i don't think i could feel much more like and insect then i do right now. have a phyciatric dr appt tomorrow for the bi polar issues and have set up with a couselor already. i want my life back! i want to be the best mother to my 6 year old son as i can be! but i feel so down right now, like this is never going to happen. thanks for listening.

[Godschild11]

That was soooo inspirational! And I think u just changed my life! Plz send me this re post..thanks in advance

[NikkiB78]

Sorry to hijack the original posters thread.... But I must say I are an amazingly inspiring writer/poster. I am on way to trying yet again to get off these pills and honestly don't have enough self respect on the matter to start my own thread yet again.... But I read ALOT on here daily. And I must say I enjoy your posts so much. In this mental aspect of addiction, sometimes I just need to hear aomeones perspective on the matter for it all to fall into place for me. Several of what I have read from u seem to that for me. I am sk glad u are here...a I have been around for awhile bit don't post much. I would love it if u woul take the one to message me your whole story. I feel it may help me even more. Keep doing what you're doing o think alot of folks probably feel the same way I do. And I thank u for that :)

[Bubulous]

Don't beat yourself up.  I am bipolar as well and I know how hard it can be when you add a chemical dependency into the mix.  Good luck on your appt tomorrow.  I also have one tomorrow with my therapist.  She wants to see my drawings and talk about the medicine she has put me on.  : )  

I don't usually like reposting things but I will in this circumstance to give some insight perhaps.  I gave this to a friend of mine and you may notice a lot of it applies to you as well:

As I said in some of my posts today, I think that people who overcome addiction, depression, and tragedy are the cream of the crop.  You started your recovery the first time you hated the medication and really wanted to be free from it.  I don't have to tell you to do this or that and to never take pills again because.....

It will happen.  I don't worry about people who relapse.  There is nothing you can do to stop the recovery now that it has started.  You can do it a few ways.  A lot of people have to hit rock bottom.  (Like in a situation where you wish you could help someone but they won't come to you because they think you are emotionless).

Some people need a "miracle" or climactic event (such as finding a new love or regressing back to where you feel like a kid again)

A lot of people have to give up on life and kill theirself or just think that taking their life would be better than being stuck in this unforgiving complicated world.

I had to experience all three but it is not a requirement.

If you need to feel overwhelming compassion, which will definately help, try some of these:

Find a higher power......
In every essense of recovery they come up with these cliche's that are the answer but they don't gear it towards each individual.  They can't because they don't get time to help everyone.  
The first time I actually quit for a year, which was back when I was addicted in 2004 before I became dependant in 2006, the higher power I found was city of angels.  I know that sounds funny but I will explain.  A great story of love will bring on emotions even if you are on pills.  I was on them that day and wanted to quit.  I knew whe I woke up the next morning it would likely be another day of chasing the dragon.  I ran out early and that night couldnt sleep.  I got up and watched that movie and I cried like a baby.  Message: Don't hate the depression, let it in and listen to sad songs or watch a tear jerking movie.

If you have to stay up all night because you can't sleep make the most out of it as you can.  If you feed the negativity by constantlyy thinking "I'm worthless".  "I wish I could go to sleep".  I will never win this battle", then you will be giving more power to the pill.  If something negative pops in your head change it to a positive:

I hate that I got addicted- "I am greatful that I experienced what true hell is and I am giong to be happier when I beat this than any person in the world."

I am powerless against this- "It is not my fault that I became dependant on this medicine."  "I didn't go in with the intention of becoming addicted.  "The things I have done may have not been perfect but at this moment on this day that I didn't take anything, I am perfect."

I can never be my old self- The person who didn't take a pill that day is your old self.  For that day, even if you are depressed or withdrawaling, the will and unmeasurable compassion it take to not take one is an amazing feet.  If someone tells me they took a pill yesterday but not one today, I would be just as proud of the one day they didn't lose to the demon as I would if they had made it a year.

Anyway, as I said I don't have to tell you anything.  Whether you think negative, hate yourself, or just feel lonely and depressed.....

You have no power over recovery.  It is going to happen.  I can't say when but it won't be long.  It is useless to think noone can help you because when your spirit tells your mind that it is time, you will find that you did it yourself.  You can think me or anyone else on here if it makes you feel good but don't give anyone else all the credit.  In the end all the bad memories can be credited for your sobriety hust as much as the good ones.

If you have never lived in hell, you cannot enjoy heaven.  When we make it through this we get to be free from worry and peaceful as if we were in heaven.  Save this message until you recover.  Don't read it again until you do because you will notice once you do in your own interpretation that everything I just said you have aleady realized.  

As you well know my favorite saying is "We all live in cycles.  Notice the ironies of life and enjoy them."  If you were every happy it was because you were sad at some point.  If you were ever sad it was because you were happy at some point (cycle).  If you have ever truly loved someon it is because you felt anger equal to that love at some point in life.  If you have ever experienced anger in your life it is because you experience love (cycle)....

If you ever ever experience heaven on this earth it is because you have experienced hell on this earth (cycle).....

I could go on and on but I think you get it.  You are very fortuane to have started taking pill as am I.  We know what hell looks like in this already complicated world.  I already live in heaven now and you will eventually.  When you get here you won't need my congratulations or sympathy.  You can try to force yourself to keep taking them if you want.  You could be given a truck load of them and I promise you will still be powerless against recovery.

Think about this.  If tomorrow all narcotics were completely removed from this world.  Don't think about how it could happen or that it is impossible.  Think about them actually being gone.  You would not even withdrawal emotionally because no matter how much you thought about getting another one.  You could worry about for a couple days or hours but in the end you would get up and there would be the "magic fix" that everyone wants.  It would be a "miracle".