Still Here

[Bkitty2]

Just reaching out to all my friends to say Hi! I am still here. Im still really struggling. I had no idea that it would take me this long to recover from a suicide attempt. I found an Percocet the other day. I took it. No I have no access to any. Im ashamed. My moods are still all over. I quit my job today. My sister who was a recovering alcoholic is on a binge after being sober for 7 years. Its true what they say, you really do pick up where you left off. I called the police the other night to try and catch her as she was driving around drunk with her 4yr old daughter in the car. She escaped them and got home. I will call them again if I hear that she does it again. Our family is in crisis. My husband and I are not doing well. Ive pushed him away. Ive pushed everyone away. Im not on as many meds as I was before. I don't tolerate the heavy duty ones. To many side effects. I just don't know what to say/do anymore.

[meegWpaw]

kitty im just waking up so if I don't make sense forgive me.  im so sorry about the sitch with your heels / shoes and the let down there I mean fook em if they cant take a joke!  the 'other job candidate' ppl can go to heels too, who needs em?  you don't!  hope the one you want happened or is going to happen and I love your attitude, that the right job is coming .... I've job hunted for looooong periods of time and it can be very challenging.  im sorry you are still feeling down and I know a lot was lost with those other co workers.  it don't pay girl to beat yourself up about it tho.  yeah maybe you let them go some and they still shoulda stayed there for you ... YOU needed Them!  they were strong, they shoulda hung on.  anyway you are moving up to bigger and better things, gf and we love you!  glad so glad you are posting what a strong woman you are!  <3  Meegy

[Brightfutureahead]

Nom nom nomia lol :). Funny

[Sonrissa]

Hang in there Kitty. I'm praying that things will turn around soon. Don't give up hope!

[Bkitty2]

Oh I am also on Prednisone so maybe that's contributing to my mood. I know I have insom nom nom nomia. Eating like a piggy.

[Bkitty2]

I feel really down. Had several job interviews this week. The first one was Tuesday. I thought it went well other than my heel fell of my shoe when I was walking in the building & then the other one fell off when I entered the office. (My dog ate my shoes). I haven't heard back. I thought that I would. Then another job I applied for said they wanted to pursue other job canidates. The interview today is the one I really really want. It went great and I am to meet with the nurse recruiter sometime next week. Hopefully. Im grieving the loss of my old job. I put a lot of my blood sweat and tears in that place. So many bad memories though. I know that in the past when one job door closes another "step" up one comes along. Im not confident right now. I cry as I type this. I feel like a failure professionally. Im so angry at some of my old coworkers also. A lot of sh*t happened there when I was out on leave. They have basically cut ties with me. Its hurtful because I thought they were my friends. But I cut them off also. I don't know how I am feeling.  Just sad. Hurting on so many levels. Questioning who I am anymore. It *****

[deadgamegrrl]

Sending you good thoughts and a (((hug))). Just keep on going, even if it doesn't feel like you are getting anywhere. Don't worry about that (I know how hard it is).
One day you will have a minute or so that's not as bad. Then it will grow from there. You can do it and you are worth it!

[littlebit667]

Love, you have there for so many here and in your personal life.  I hope you find a way to be there for yourself.  You have so much to give...take a deep breath and keep putting one foot in front of the other until you reach that moment when it is OK.  

[Sonrissa]

Hi Bkitty, I'm so very sorry and sad to read that you have been going through so much. I am praying for strength for you to get through this. Please keep reaching out. I've missed you. Big hug!

[nursegirl6572]

Keep fighting sweetie.  I'm sorry everything around you is a mess right now, especially the situation with your sister, how sad and scary!

PLEASE don't isolate yourself.  You KNOW how that worked out for you last time hon.  I know it's hard for you, you have to LEARN how to be okay with reaching out and leaning on others.  I know that's tough for you but you HAVE to do it.  Your hubby loves you to the moon and back and would do anything for you.  LET him be your rock.  

Keep fighting....this isn't a battle meant to be fought alone, none of it!

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[meegWpaw]

kitty, i know you were still talking yesterday, now you still sharing some stuff today?  naw, i meant your thoughts and feelings!  hey we are here for you EVERY day.  don't be a stranger and keep talkin, K?  even if you feel like you have nothing to say you are still sayin something and chances are it might help someone else too ...

[kyle505]

Sometimes life just isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people. But then again, that's life. You know how I feel about you. You know that I'm just one of many who owe you so much. You know that my wife and children are eternally grateful for all that you've done. And I understand - that even with the love and support of so many we still struggle with our inner demons.
I just wanted to remind you of all the roads you've helped mend and hope I can someday return the kindness.
K

[Pat1956100]

My heart goes out to you and to everyone who is struggling with this horrible disease.  Keep reaching out Kitty.  You know we understand.
Hugs
Pat

[meegWpaw]

kitty ty for your kind comments on my 90 thread.  im so tired so this might be quick but .... you took a perc, taking less real meds, distant from hub, quit your job, surprised how long to recover from sui attempt ... hmmm .... all this seems to be expected after what you've been thru huni.  i know it doesn't really help to say that, but well look at things.  a suicide attempt is a Big Deal, it doesn't just go away.  i would think pushing our loved ones away is normal.  however, i would sure try to work on that and bringing them closer to you.   you need him right?  i don't know i am guessing.  don't beat yourself up over the perc.  take what meds the dox prescribe and what you feel ok with.  here for you.  we're on your side.  its great your talking.  stay close. love you kit

[VICourageous]

Girl I sure do feel your pain..There is not much more I can say that has not been said above. Family Stress and Drama is so hard for us in early Recovery..I know you just want to run and hide. This is the times we must give into all the faith we can and know it is not in our hands and that someday we will see the light on all of this..Just Focus on you and you only. Try to reach out to the ones that can take you under there wing and will not put any stress or speak any drama. Many, many Prayers will go out to you in this time from the bottom of my heart..Or form my Heart & Soul..
Bless and may the Lord carry you in the palm of his hand right now.

[Butterfly1503]

I'm thinking and praying for you!

[clean_in_ks]

So glad you posted and shared how you are feeling....reaching out to those here on MH that know and love you is a positive step for sure.

When we are bogged down with dysfunction all around us....our typical knee/jerk reaction is to w/draw and isolate.  I have found I can do that and still be in my own home.  I, too, am in some painful living/emotional situations right now.  After losing my inner peace (once again) tonight with my hubby, I determined I will INTENTIONALLY GO to, TALK to, SHARE with, BE with people who validate me....who listen to me.....who talk BACK to me....who communicate....who listen to my heart....who understand addiction.  I know shutting down isn't the answer.  I hope you do too.
((((HUGS))))) girl......praying you will reach outside your comfort zone, too.

[Dane74]

Hey there sweet thing!!!!!!!  Its so great to see you pop up on the forum!!!! You poor thing, i can sense just from your words how hurt and depressed you are feeling and i hate that for you and i am sorry.  You have come so far, you are a survivor my friend and you have to continue to fight ...OK? Please tell me you are still in therapy???  Isolating yourself and pushing loved ones away is NOT the correct approach, and you know this, dive into your therapy and reach out for help, lean on your faith, change your thought process to positive energy.  You are NOT alone...  XOXO

[toothfairie]

Hi Kitty....i'm so sorry you are dealing with all this family stuff still....my heart goes out to you and just know we are here for you any time you need to post.  My thoughts and prayers are with you girl....hang in there...you are stronger than you think!  love and hugs!!  

[EvolverU]

Hi, Bkitty. we don't know each other but I've followed your story & I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough right now. (When it rains for us it really seems to pour.) Thank you so much for posting! Please, don't feel ashamed about the Perc. As Ric says, if you stop now, you'll be fine. All I can say is that I think you've showed some real strength & perseverance in  your journey back. Please, have faith in yourself. (I know it's hard to sometimes.) Just when we think there's no hope we find that we're stronger than we know (because we have to be -- there's too much at stake!) You may feel like you're pushing your husband away & your family may be in crisis but I know from reading his many posts on status, etc. that he loves you deeply. Sometimes, when we're way down there we just have no clue how others see us & what's good about ourselves  & our lives. Is it possible that this is where you're at right now? (I've had to continually tell myself in the past couple of months that it could be worse & that I'm a worthwhile person.) I'm certain that you are too. I wish you all the love, comfort & clarity you need to pull you out of this 'valley' & to find your 'legs' again. Hang in there. You're not alone!

[ariley13]

I am glad to hear from you Kitty, but very sorry to hear that things are still so hard. I know it's hard, but try to be patient with yourself and give yourself plenty of time to heal. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I know that things will turn around for you. Please don't give up. Keep the faith! Take care of yourself my friend and try to keep your head up. We are always here for you if you need us.

[Andie015]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way....you sound like you feel so alone. You are dealing with so much now and I really feel for you.  I can relate at the moment ... I have the same desperate feel to my life and it's just terrible. I know nothing you read here can change things for you, just know there are people in your corner who understand what it feels like to feel stranded and alone in a time when you need someone the most. Just please remember that your husband loves you and probably doesn't know how to help you right now...please let him in to try and help as best he can. I pray that you feel better and things start to look up for you...I know you need relief, anywhere you can find it...please try to stay positive and let those around you in to help....we all just want the best for you. Stay strong, you are in my prayers...

[Heather8448]

You will be in my prayers...

[Brightfutureahead]

I'm sorry your family is in crisis mode...I've been there many times. Remember there is always a natural eb and flow to things...it will get better.

[ricart70]

Hi K
I am so sorry you are still feeling so bad.  If you don't take any more you will be fine as far as the perc goes (you know that though)
Message me if you want or if there is anything I can do to help ok ?