This is so hard

[jojo3boys]

I don't know what to do, I have tried so hard to get clean, and I continue to relapse, I can't do this this anymore, its seem out of my hands, I have prayed, I have erased numbers, I feel so low right now, I want to get clean, its so hard, im so depressed right now, I don't have anyone to talk to. I just want to get clean and stay clean. If someone is out there plz talk to me.

[Jinx_777]

reading your post puts me back at a point in my life that still haunts me to this day.  In my case, it was not only pills, but alcohol too that I used to self medicate my life that was spiraling out of control.  At the time I did not think my usage was the main issue.  I had lost my job, found out that I had been screwed when I bought my first house 3 yrs prior and suddenly my house payment doubled to $1600 a month.  I had 3 kids living at home and was a single mom.  Dad wanted nothing more  than to see my fail.  I just kept using and became afraid to answer the phone and refused to open the mail.  I became afraid of everything.  Eventually, I lost everything.  The world does not stop and wait for us to catch, time does not freeze.  
I would highly suggest checking myself into a mental health care hospital.  Get yourself figured out and stabilized with the help of professionals.  At this point I feel depression is overclouding everything else.  You still want to use because you still want to self medicate, which only makes things worse.  
They can start any detox necessary as well as help you figure out a game plan so you do NOT have to lose everything, including your kids. because I promise, if that happens, it will be 1000 times more difficult to pull yourself out of this.  You cannot do it on your own.  It is a time out for you.  If only I had this site to reach out to at that time, but I didn't.  If you are severely depressed, that needs to be addressed first and foremost.  
I wish you the best of luck and please keep posting

[ActingBrandNew]

"but im at work shaking and I don't know why, is this normal"

Yes, give it some time and it will get better.

[jojo3boys]

Thanks for ur kind words, the diarrhea sucked yesterday, but im at work shaking and I don't know why, is this normal. Im so tired I can't even focus. Im praying and believing God

[justneedhelp82]

Hey I am 6 days clean. It has been rough but I feel better. You know we made our addictions over months and years so it takes awhile to get back to you. You have to let someone in that can help you. I had to tell my husband how I was getting them so he could make sure that I couldn't do that. I hate letting someone see I have faults but we all do that makes use humans. Stay in there it isworth the fight ipromise

[jojo3boys]

Thank u so much megan, it was rough last night, but I got through, im at work and its hard but ivegot to keep pushing for something, even in pain I have to stay strong.

[meegWpaw]

jojo I have relapsed many, many times, I am on day 18 again after many day 18s.  I feel you are in a lot of pain, and I am sorry for that.  but you need to keep moving forward.  like was suggested to you above, use whatever resources you have and get back on the road to getting clean.  its really all we can do, if we don't want to turn back.  you just have to keep trying jojo.  you HAVE to.  pm me anytime if you want to talk ... Meegan

[ActingBrandNew]

Its normal to feel scared. You sound overwhelmed with emotion right now. You need to take a deep breath and try to think about a plan. Yes...everything seems out of control so its time to take the control back. You have to make a plan. What are you going to do to get and stay clean?

What resources do you have that you can use right now?

I went back and read some of your old posts to kinda get your situation. Look, I have a 15 year old too. Im sure your kid knows. They are a lot smarter than we know. You cant not go to meetings because your afraid of your kid knowing what your going through.

I went to prison because of my addiction and had to tell my kids who were 12 and 7 at the time that I was a drug addict. They told me they already knew! You can set an example to your kids by participating in your recovery whatever that may be. I read you go to meetings and have a sponsor. Thats good...can you call your sponsor today and ask for help?

If NA/AA isnt working, there are other programs out there that work too. Celebrate Recovery, Rational Recovery, Secular Organization for Sobriety (SOS), Many Roads One Journey, Women for Sobriety, SMART recovery, etc..etc..etc...

These are all groups and programs that meet all over the world. Google them and see if you think they will fit. The important thing is that you need to make a plan. You can sit down and tell your 15 year old that your sick from taking pills and are going to do something about it. Show how you are going to take responsibility and do what it takes to get clean. Set an example.

I really believe your at that turning point point where you can make that decision to take your life back.

[jojo3boys]

I know I have too, Im so scared, of my addiction, its gotten out of control, im struggling so hard to stay clean. Im screaming on the inside I have no money, I don't know who I am anymore, im struggling so hard, I hate who I have become, I feel my kids are better off without me. I love them, but these demon pills have taken over my life. God plz help me. Im crying right now. I

[clean_in_ks]

Well, jojo....first of all WELCOME BACK....we will all love you and support you here...encourage you.....we understand better than anybody else ever could because we ARE recovering addicts.  

I just briefly glanced over some of your past posts....and from what I got out of them, I'd ask you....are you REALLY sick and tired of being sick and tired?  I mean, the use, get clean, use get clean cycle is necessary for some people....because it teaches them what they "thought" they could do alone when they started has got to change now....because it wasn't working.  And you STILL have the desire to get clean....THAT'S HUGE~

So.....can you get your 7 yr old to play outside with your 3 yr old and then ask your 15 yr old son to sit down and talk to you?  He KNOWS something is going on with his MOM....at 15 yrs old I was VERY aware of what was happening in my home and in the world around me.  He probably is too.  Telling him your deep dark secret will FREE you in a way you cannot imagine.  He can help with the other two younger children so you CAN get to some meetings.  It will be just like us here....the room will be full of other recovering addicts that can RELATE to you...encourage you...talk to grand...AA or NA)

Then.....you have to totally CUT off all this access you continue to have to percs, oxys, methadone, Xanax....ALL those people you know you can call that have addictive drugs.
You said you erased their numbers....but you still knew someone to call when you had a craving/weak moment.
If you have NO ACCESS.....your brain will KNOW it and you can focus ALL your attention on getting through the short detox so you can begin working on new thinking, new coping skills, processing the grief of losing your sis, all that stuff.
And lastly, you MUST change your attitude.....our attitude is 90% of it....we have to be DETERMINED.....so determined that we are willing to change our contacts, friends, old using mates.....and find some new ones that understand wanting to stay clean.
Oh yeah, you have this sentence you have used more than once....and it caught my eye...please don't tell your brain that you can NEVER EVER take a pill again.....just say...for this day in front of me....I will NOT take any addictive pills.  Then the next day, say it again.....it is WAY too overwhelming to think of "forever" when we are struggling with each hour throughout the day.  Those hours will pass more quickly and as you see even ONE benefit of being clean....write it down.
Keep a little notebook....write your b*tches, your symptoms, your thoughts and feelings down because I PROMISE you...when you get thru and need a boost.....you can go back and see how far you've come.  
I am SO GLAD I did this my first 55 days in....because my chronic pain issues nag at me....and when I had a day or hour or moment I didn't feel like I'd made one dang bit of progress....I re-read those days....and I cried with gratitude and saw with my own eyes how much progress I'd made.

You CAN DO THIS.....but you have to decide if you're going to "try".....or if you're gonna  "do it" even if your butt falls off (LOL).  That's what I told myself....so relapsing wasn't an option once I got to that point.

You can pray for His strength, of course, be He will not do the work FOR YOU.....He will give you the strength to DO IT.  The footwork is ours.....the strength, wisdom, love and guidance comes from Him.
Praying for you, jojo~
Connie

[ActingBrandNew]

Im so sorry your struggling and having a hard time. I was a chronic relapser myself until I lost EVERYTHING. Literally everything. Ive been clean ever since which is 4+ years. You dont have to lose everything in order to get clean. You just have to have the will and desire to stop using.

Aftercare is HUGE! You need to do something whether its meetings, therapy, rehab, church, or all at the same time. You know, some people cant get clean without going into a program. Have you considered a detox or an outpatient program? You need help and I would hate to log on one day and hear how you lost everything from your addiction. You dont have to let it take you there.

You can get clean now.

Dont let guilt keep you in active addiction. Addiction loves guilt and plays and feeds off of it.

You can do it!

[jojo3boys]

Thank u so much for responding, I really want to stay clean, but its so hard, nobody knows, well I take that back I think my 15 year old know, because he said something to me. That itself made me feel suicidal, but I going to give this a try again, I just wish this would go away, Im feeling really down right now.

[IBKleen]

Hi hun, I am so sorry you are struggling. I did that for so many years. Using..relapsing..using..relapsing. It was a nightmare. Finally I listened to other people and took a blind leap of faith and tried aftercare. For me it was counseling and meetings. They are the two things that changed my life and helped me to stay clean. I can't do this this but WE can. That's how it works for me. Being around other recovering addicts (in person) helps me to see the hope. I hope you will consider something that works for you. Stick around..it is quiet here this weekend because of the holiday so be patient.