downer cocktail addict

[xoNxo]

I need help, this has to be the 7th time this year i have had to try and get and stay clean, just cant do it.
Its binge after binge for me it started with perc's then oxycontin 20's then 40's then 60's now 80's and alot of them i take hydros when my guys are dry and i take dillys just cuz there there and really i dont even know what they are, i just have a friend that takes them and gives them to me when im sick i took these weird pills last week when i was hurtin i heard they were oxycodone and somthing else i dont remember what it was but they worked so i was happy but im ready to quit, i just cant take the days i get sick, and i want a healthy life and just sick and tired of fishing for the drugs and when i cant get them i get suicidal i went 2 days last week and F**K just brutal so i want ta get this done once and for all, my problem is my best friend is the same as me, she wants to stop too but if one of us gives in i know the other one of us will give in along side. Im so effed up i am a young pretty girl i dont want to end up all drugged out and ugly and withdrawn all the time i WANT TO STOP ! before i end up like that or worse....dead
so any advise i would be so happy to have.

[xoNxo]

yeh its either that or hydromorphine so says google, but idk

[atthebeach]

i think it is dilaudids.

[xoNxo]

whats seconal? and no they are white kinda triangle with an 8 on them

[my_mayberry]

dilly's used to be seconal....are they red?

could be a different drug entirely these days....but if thats what they are, i'd be very careful. those suckers can kill pretty easily, especially with other drugs in the mix!

[xoNxo]

thanks, ya i cant believe i got up to 350, being at 60 is painful and a really big jump but its takin a bit of the edge off.... i think

[timetoclean]

i am just a day ahead of you and WD"s are pretty rough i too was about at 100mg and then for the past month up 200mg at times stay strong i hope we both can do this i don't want to go back

[xoNxo]

i want this to be the last time, i have never got this deep into it, i cant even believe it was as easy as it was.
i am having second thoughts of doing it with my friend here, just because i want it so bad i dont want any chances of failing.
i am going to come clean to my therapist next appointment and see if he can hook me up with one that specializes in addictions.
thank you for your kind words

[atthebeach]

all the withdrawals are hard. each time you go through a detox it gets harder on your body. do you think you are strong enough to try a taper until sunday?if so,  when you start to feel the withdrawal you cant take another pill. if not then flush everything on sat. nite and then you start the road to recovery.
i wouldnt try to detox with anyone, hardly ever works out.
did you read up on the amino acid protocol and the thomas recipe to help with your detox? bottom right of this page.
yes you should definitely come clean with your therapist and you could add the addiction specialist. that would be great.
please get as much outside support as possible.attend those meetings also. ask the LORD to help you, HE is able.
cut off all your contacts, call the doctor tell him you are addicted, cancel the script, call the pharmacy, tell them not to fill any more for you and definitely stop seeing the new mom you met. not a friend part of your demise.
be positive that this time you are jumping off the addiction train headlong for hell and stepping onto the road that leads to a clean and sober life.
be strong, keep the faith, hope,trust,believe, pray
sending hugs and prayers
debbie

[xoNxo]

thank you for your support,
this time i will go to meetings i already have a friend willing to take me with him i wouldn't go before because i was afraid, what im wondering is this last binge has been about 4-5 weeks long befor that all my drug use ws mainly just percocets like 15-20 5/325 a day so i guess that is 100mg? now the past 5 weeks has been oxycontin, i met this girl on my street, her kid is the same age as mine, so we became buddys and i started to see she was buying pills and introduced me to her dealer, at the time i thought cool! because i have never had a guy to buy from it was always conning my doctor for scripts so this became way easier, so every day id buy 5-7 80's or a bunch of 20's and when he was dry she would get me hydro's and i didn't like those but id take them and then the dilly's here and there waste of money because they dont help me or do anything for me, really would like to know what those even are. so anyways id say i take about 350mg oxycontin a day now for the past 5 weekes, not every day though lots of days i can only afford about 2 80's but last week was the most a day i have ever taken, i last used yesterday about 6pm only a half of an 80 and the w/d's have already kicked in, im trying to get some more right now and my plan is to cut them up and wean down till sunday and then my kid goes on vacation with there grandma and grandpa for a week so figure its a good time. my best friend (who i call her my best friend because shes the sweetest girl on this earth and has been there for me since we met) but have only known here for about a month, met her through the girl who i started doing this hard stuff with me and that girl are no longer friends. but my bestie she wants to get clean too, my boyfriend thinks she should come stay here at our house for the week my kids gone and he can take care of both of us and then me and her will do it together, i know it has its danger's but i trust she wants it as bad as i do so ill do it on side with her, plus she has the added reason as she will soon be asked for **** tests so really she probably  needs to get clean more than me, well shouldn't say more than me, i need to just as bad, but she has that added reason, so i think it will be ok, i do know this i am not dumb and i know if she gave in, well then im sure of it that i would too and if that happened then we would have to go our separate ways. we have talked about it alot, and we will be making our plan today.
so is this a stupid idea? and is it going to be harder than last time since i went from 100mg of percocets to about 350mg of oxycontin? i guess thats a stupid question, im sure it is going to be way worse im scarred sooooo scarred but i have to do this, and have never wanted anything as bad as right now to just get and stay clean! im set up with meetings so i have that and i have a therapist already should i just come clean to him? or find one that specializes in addictions?
well...thank you for reading this sorry if its confusing i am so sick right now my hands are so shaky its hard to type and keep my mind on one topic so if something is hard to understand ill re explain, i am going to use this site as my first attempt to becoming clean i have read and read and READ so this seems like a wonderful place to start.
thank you everyone <3

[lynnalb15]

As much as the withdrawls suck once your on the other side life is amazing! Honesty you have to want to get clean and sober. Cause otherwise you'll find a way back to it. I know I did. And that week I was in relapse I knew how wrong I was but my addict mind took over.

Your young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. I promise you don't want to live it using. It's hell on earth and only you can get yourself out. You can do this! An once your clean please please stick to meetings. Work the steps. They will save your life!

[gnarly_1]

HI you have come to a great place for help congrats on just wanting to get off its the firsrt step I only wish I did it when I was your age I road the narctic tain for 16 1/2 yrs ....years I will never get back life is to precious to live it in a fog ....you will get to the point that the pills wont get you high no mater how many you take trust me I have been there on the strongest stuff made the first think I recamend you do is to read and read some more learn all you can from our site read the post of people going threw it so you know what to expect it is really no worst then a bad case of the flue with no sleep and anxiety thrown in read up on the thomas recipe it is on the lower right of this page under the health pages pick up the stuff suggested
get a case of gatoraid you will need it to replace the electrolytes you will be loosing
the main thing to remember is this is only temporary it is 1/3 physical 2/3 mental be ready to fight on both fronts I truly believe this is a battle one or lost in ones own mind
attitude is everything it makes the difference between suffering and discomfort as for doing this with a friend I have mixed feelings it can be done but detoxing I beleve should be done alone mabe with a clean friend to help you threw the ruff spots we have had several people her on our forum pair up and do well together holding each other up so it goes both ways your so young to have such a vise holding you down choking the life out of you THIS CAN KILL YOU ezer then you think its time to break the cycle where all about suppoert here if you read the post you will see that its what it takes to break free from this stuff we alll want to see yoyu get better good luck and God bless.......Gnarly      

[atthebeach]

hi hun and welcome to MH. you are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. please get yourself clean now, get yourself off the insane addiction train, the addiction roller coaster, the revolving addiction door, it will bring nothing but heartache,destruction,pain,death.
you need to something different this time so you dont continue to relapse. you need counseling one on one, with therapists,addiction counselors,support groups na/aa, church groups, salvation army, overcomers,celebrate recovery.
can you get your parents involved in your recovery? family can be a huge support on your road to recovery.
yes you will hurt while you are detoxing for about a week there are some things you can get to help make you more comfortable during the withdrawals. your desire  to be clean has to be stronger than your desire to use. if you friends dont want to get clean with you. i am sorry to say you wont beable to see them, they will bring you down. we are here to encourage you,help you and give you hope. please stay close and let us know what questions or concerns you have.
sending hugs and prayers
debbie