feeling a little better

[pensacolafl26]

It took everything i had to go with my husband across the street to check on the elderly couple across the street. They have been robbed at gunpoint and we have been stolen from as well. (That's why they say it's not good to have the nicest house on the street).
They are the cutest elderly couple , and the woman has alzeimers. Each time she see's me, she compliments my hair and skin and eyes, (even though i look like hell right now). But we sit there for an hour or so, and wait patiently as they struggle to gather their thoughts. They marvel at our daughter, and shower her w/ candy and ccommpliments. They have been married for over 60 years, and Blaine and I are intrigued at how they seem so well put together, but yet so forgetful and ......well, to put it simply.....old.

It's nice to listen as they recount their stories, how he served in the navy, and how she struggles to recount her 40 years of service in the nursing field. We wait patiently as they walk slowly to point out pictures, and we jump with surprising motivation to help them pick up a photo album or assist them in rising from their chairs to see us off.

For that one short hour,  I was able to step outside myself and my misery for a second, and all my anxiousness disappeared. I became attentive, and humbled as I thought wow, look what we have to look forward to. They were just as in love today as they were 60 years ago. As I chased after my two year old, As i walked out the door after saying my goodbyes, I added, you guys are lucky, your days of endlessly chasing after toddlers have come and passed, and then no sooner had i said that, the seemingly lost, alzeimers lady in which i wondered much about her pesonality, " countered, "Just live in the moment and be thankful for what you do have".

Of course my daughter threw herself on their lawn at this point, screaming for the antique doll they always allow her to hold, But none the less the stood in the doorway as usual, waving and smiling gracefully as they see us off, and i think to myself, It's not so bad afterall")

[pensacolafl26]

Yes, i did write that, I wrote it out of frustration, and sadly, i mean every word of it.

[Holliee]

That was very well written

[Gpison]

Has he been able to stay clean to this point? I had some anger issues when I was quitting as well, only lasted a couple of days thank god, but I would just snap at the dumbest thing. Mind you all I did was raise my voice, but for me thats alot. I have always been a very calm and quiet person. Its amazing how much this drug can change us over such a short period of time.

BTW, did you write that ? very well written if you did :)

[pensacolafl26]

I'm doing O.k, thanks for asking") My Husband seems to be having a more difficult time than I. I go through bouts of physical defeat, and him more mental. But I have my own Physical problems. I have been having "female issues" for 2 weeks, which are usually only a few days, i don't know if that is the withdraws or what? but I have been laying here with severe menstrual paing and discomfort for about a week, i also feel like i have a flu? I figure the w/d symptoms should have passed. I am taking the thomas recipe. My husbands temper comes and goes, sometimes he is postive and sweet , and sometimes he is Horrible and persistent to give into temptation.It's a rollercoaster. I feel alone. I've tried the leave me alone approach, for weeks, and he said all i need is "to be loving and supportive, to help him". But as soon as i am, he disappoints me by asking. I'm just going to stop posting, b/c one day i'll post how great it is, then thirty minutes later, he's an enemy. I"m done! he is sucking the life out of me. He is too unpredictable to count him in my recocvery, and i am a sinking ship if he doesn't stop! I wish he would go

I sit alone, with thoughts too thick
this ticking clock, says day's are passing
My broken spirit has rendered me Sick
resounding fears rip me with Lashings
Through my head, I've walked alone
Depression nearing this i dread
Mania arrives, subsides,''That" fear,
But you walk in and Hatred speads

A feverish itch I cannot scratch
My head feels like a sinking ship
While locked below, can't lift the Latch
Can't save myself without a Grip

I once cared for you, now not so sure
I wish you gone to find myself
You will contend our love is pure'
But you are lost and I need help

So take with you your many Lies
Your happiness is merely your figment
Leave from me with hasty flight
If you love me, make no contempt

So if it's love, You'll quickly go
As all i want is a Normal Life
I promise you, You'll find this So
That I'll find happiness when not your wife."(

[Gpison]

How are you guys doing this morning? Had to go out of town for a few days so im just catching up :)

[pensacolafl26]

He let me sleep, and is fighting a good fight. I'm really proud of him, hhe said hr can't make any promises, as he been to n/a and the slogan is "One day at a time", He said, "For me it"20 minutes at a time". He is trying. He allowed me to sleep and relax all day, i felt obligated to go across the street and on walks w/ him, b/c i can't be some Armchair Quarterback. So if i have told him all these "techniques", then i have to follow them as well, b/c it's only fair, since he said all he needs is my love and support. Since I have been emotionally unavailable for months. I hope this hols up tomorrow:)

[Holliee]

Hello I am glad that you were able to get out walk and visit with ederly couple and feem normal even if just for period of time. Seems you and hubby doing little better an he is not fussing... I keep you in my prayers

[gnarly_1]

hey was just moved by your post and your journal..wow you have been thew a lot and your so young...I abused pain pills for 10+ yrs and just finished off a 6 1/2yr methadone addiction im 50 days clean today
my only regret is all the time I lost with my kids (4 THEN 5) wile I watched them grow up in a fog...your so lucky to see the light early on in your addiction ...life has so much more for you when your clean
I can actually feel again even cry again something not common wile on the drugs....if you ask my kids they will all tell you I was a great dad
took them camping,fishing hiking hunting ext ....but I just wounder how much I missed out on being under the influence ...how much better of a dad I could have been to them...today I look back and remember them when they where little there 26, 23,, 23, 21 and 16 now but it just seams like yesterday I was changing diapers ..I agree with your little elderly lady...live in the moment and enjoy what you have..god blesses us with children and somehow I think we miss it
raizing a family has been the most significant thing I have done in life ...you both getting clean early on will leave you with a life full of fond memory's and joyful times..life is so wonderful sober, again you can realy feel it instead of just watching it go by ...so fight a good fight for your sobriety life is full of things much better then pills and you will enjoy your child to the fullest extent missing nothing and having no regrets Im proud to see you both getting clean so young ..god will bless your life abundantly keep it up because in the end when all the madness ends  ...it is so so worth it..god luck and god bless...Gnarly  

[pensacolafl26]

The only way we are even remotely surviving is by making each other laugh. Blaine just walked in the room and said, "i almost just killed a squirell by throwing a brick". Ha, i let out a loud laugh/cry, he said whats wrong with you? i said, Ava(daughter) has my good bible and she wont giveit back, and she keeps bringing me pens and tearing off her diapers, we both just laughed, i said help, its your turn to be strong, so he picked her up and took her in the room, now theyre laughing together, im miserable, but im smiling,

[rligh09]

Is moving an option? Sometimes life just seems so bad when you are in a place that litterally just ***** the life out of you. Is your husband still doing this with you? I hope so!! You guys seem really positive right now. Whats the weather like in FL I am from the north and uh the high is 24 today!! I hate it I think I have that weird disease where you get super depressed in the winter. No Sun Cant even get out cause your face will freeze of and you wanna talk about restless kids, agggghhhh. Luckily my husband is from FL and he still find the snow to be a novelty and he will take the kids sledding. Not me though I spent 12 yrs standing at the bus stop freezin my *** of as a kid I refuse to play in it!! I make hot chocolate and wave form the big window.

Good Luck

[pensacolafl26]

Our family walked around the neighborhood until our legs hurt, and our 2 year old felt like a thousand pounds. It was so amazing to get out and talk to the neighbors, i felt high on life, then no sooner do we get home, BAM/! Gosh, im so tired my legs hurt, I'm hot now, change her diaper. Dont just throw your sweateer on the floor, don't lay down yet, HELP ME, hahaha, daughter runs crazy , it's this house! Got to get out of this depressing house

[BornofOsiris]

Deff a powerful post right there. That little event right there can really open up your eyes and show what you can have, if you put in the work. I hope everything is going well between you and your hubby, i read your post a little while ago and it seemed like he was taking the w/d's kinda of hard. Just keep posting let us know wasup. much love

Dallas