finding out how to live sober

[Dane74]

HEllO all, Yes i am back and not proud that's for sure.  Unfortunately i am not strong enough to go the CT route and this site is more accepting of the CT peeps but i do know i need all the help i can get to taper.  I know that we are not allowed to discuss taper's but lets just say i am starting at 5 a day and slowly coming down from there.  In the end really the hardest challenge is to stay clean,  so whether or not its CT or taper we all have one goal in mind and thats to STAY CLEAN!!!!  Well folks, that is just not easy for me and im sure for any of us.  I mean i need to be honest, i love being high, i love not to feel, i love just taking a pill and then feeling great, but YES, pills turn on you like your worst enemy, YES, they mess with your mind and there really is only one option before death and that  is to STOP!!!!  So here i am, looking to rid my body of these toxins and learn how to live sober, that's the biggest fear of all, i dont know life without drugs and honestly i dont want too, i know i sound pathetic, but i just know of all places this is where i can be 100 percent honest.  So here i go  trying to tackle this head on and finding ways to learn to rethink things since my way is so warped.  

[Dane74]

believe me i wish i didn't have to but i have two  tickets booked to NY for more daughter to run in a NAtional meet!!!!! I cant miss that, as it is i will be missing her birthday:(  i am so proud my daughter made nationals and i am obligated to go, and thats march 9th i return late Sunday night and then the plan was to leave Monday morning the 12th.

[ImDONENoMore]

dane - why are you waiting a whole month to go into rehab?  I don't understand that - I don't understand that at all.

[Dane74]

Here is an update, i spent the entire day with hubby researching all my options and its down to two places.  One place is the Watershed in Florida 30 days and the other place is called Passages in CA.  They both took an intake on me and i am just waiting on insurance to see how much they will cover.  I will be going March 12th.  my husband wants the BEST and i am the cheap one in the family so ideally i like the place in CA better, just not sure if its affordable, i just love there approach on addiction and all through a holistic approach.  The 12 step is not for me at all, i feel like its some kind of cult you recite and i feel it is demeaning  saying that we are drug addicts.  Just my opinion please dont take offense, thats why we all have options out there.  Today was the most draining day of all, but a sense of relief that my husband is backing me up and being so supportive... Thank you Vicki, for convincing me  on that one, and hey it didn't back fire on you...LOL  And as you all know i am honest with yall, i am no longer tapering, but not abusing either, i just cant take it and i am going to wait until i enter rehab. My biggest challenge is what the heck do i tell my girls and NO they will not know the truth and i have to hide this from friends and family, only a select few people in my  life know and i want to keep it that way.  I want to thank you all for all your help and patience with me.  I know i frustrate allot of people...IMDONE...LMAO and many others im sure, but i am on the road to recovery and i thank y'all.   Much love, Dane

[dominosarah]

That's all you can do is try your best~~You can do this Dane, i know you can!

[Dane74]

bama check your inbox!

Sara, OMG i got an entire 2 paragraphs from you, i call you the one sentence girl!!! LMAO.  It amazes me how you can get your point across in just a few words, that's a gift......  Anyway, thank you for your encouraging words i hope i come back well, i will try, i cant leave my family if im not going to give this a fighting chance.  i will promise this, i will try my BEST thats all i can say, i cant make any more promises yet.  I am going into this full throttle and maybe just maybe i can look in that mirror and say hello i like you, im far from that, but i will work it:)

[dominosarah]

I am so proud of you Dane for finally taking a stand for you.  You came clean to your husband and are going to finally do something about this.   I cant wait until you stand in front of the mirror and love that person that will be looking back at you.  You have to surrender to win~~~

Recovery is a slow process and needs to be.  There will be pain and tears and with that comes freedom.  Focus on the journey, not the destination.  It is time for you now Dane, take it and run~~sara

[bama88]

Oh dana...ally says hello....she wants to talk to YOU....i told her about you

[Dane74]

OHHH my sweet bama, thanks for being my rock through all of this.  Bama, remember this about me and Ally, we dont want to be strong, we just dont have a choice, and people think we are stronger than we really are, i have felt that my entire life.  Growing up with a disability is no easy task and you dont have a choice to be tough because peers and teachers look at you different its just society, just like society does not understand addiction they do not  understand kids with disabilities.  My heart and soul goes out to Allly how is it she is a mirror of me is mind blowing, but bama, just know that i personally hated being told "you are so strong" , because it always made me feel even more disabled, does that make any sense?  I wanted to be treated normal even though i wasnt.   All i wanted was normalcy just like Ally.  As for the surgery we discussed, i believe she will so benefit from it and it will improve her quality of life, just pick the surgeon wisely and get 2nd opinion.  NOW, what you wrote about Allly,  I get what your saying, you may forget at times and thats OK but Ally and i we just cant forget, it affects our every move every step, just everything its a constant reminder.  Bama you are a great Mom and only want the best for your girl, just love her, hold her tight, and let her scream and shout out her pain not only physical pain but the mental part too, thats even worse.  Being different makes you look stronger but its  false, deep within we hate to be this way.  Sometimes its nice to hear how are you feeling today? OR How was your pain?  Keep the communication going and try to talk about it often, i felt talking about it was a good thing amongst family.  Bama, just know you are doing a great job, and just keep your options open and technology is on our side that's a positive.  God has a plan and one day we will figure it out, i was taught that god only gives us what we can handle.  I understand you dying desire to take all of Alleys pain and fears away but you cant but what you can do is be here Mommy, and you do that perfect!  As for the pills, you never know, it could very well happen or it could not, but since you and hubby been down that road before you will be prepared if Allley goes down that path.  Also on a side note walking uneven all these years really effected my back so watch out for her back and have her wear shoes as much as possible to help even her out, it will help to try and keep her back aligned.  Sending hugs and kisses and prayers your way my friend!!! XOXO

[ImDONENoMore]

Definitely - it's the general state of being for all of us.  Finding a way to focus on the good and not the bad because we will always be surrounded by bad - it's just the way life is.

The therapy you get in rehab is going to help you a lot dane, I really think it will.  You'll get there - and don't be in such a hurry to get through this - the journey will always matter more than the destination.  We learn more from that.

[vicki595]

We're only human Dana and that includes you!  You are not a loser and I see that...you can't see it though and that's a big problem, separate from the addiction, although it contributes to it.  I think that if you saw yourself through different eyes and looked at your place in this life, you'd be able to drop the pills more easily...

I know it's complicated. I know it's hard to live with a handicap (or missing body part).  Living can be damn hard!  We just have to constantly look to the brighter side of everything. We have to work at being well every, single day. Most people do...

You know there are worse things in life than being addicted to Percocet! Much worse!  So look at it this way: you're in very good company!

You have my friendship and support and you know I take that very seriously!

Keep writing here. It really is a very hopeful time for you and soon you're going to feel relieved of the burden!    xoxo

[bama88]

Well dana i like you. i like it when you argue. lmao. i am just stubborn. i throw tantruems. lol. just like a two year old...you know i will always always be YOUR BIGGEST FAN

[Dane74]

Hey Girl,  We might of had some differences in the past but hey isn't that normal?  We are two very opinionated ladies.  I mean shoot look at me and Vicki we go back and forth all the time but i love her to pieces...XOXO.  And Sara i love her too, but man she dishes it out in only one sentence...now thats talent...LMAO   Ok so i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of our times together and i will forever be grateful to you about the Ultram, still to this day i will always remember what you told me about that drug and still i FIGHT with the dr's , i have come to the conclusion that these pain management places (NOT ALL) are just legal drug dealers and push what ever drug they get more money for, its sad but i still stand my ground on the ultram, and thank you.  I almost to be honest went back on it, as the dr suggested, he wanted me on it for the WD and pain, i never did and thanks to you.......OK now i can argue with you again...LOL this is my lowest of lows i have never felt this sick, depressed, just a complete mess, i cry all day you name it i feel like im having a nervous breakdown, for me even to tell my hubby that i am a drug addict, girl i cant get any lower than that!!!!!  


Littlebit,  hi sweet girl, i am glad to say you have been reading my posts if anything we all can relate to someone on here, i read posts too, most i do not comment on and some i do, but i am always reading:)  As for my strength, NO i am not strong, i was always told that since a child its the image that comes across that i am this strong tuff girl, but honestly i am just a weak soul who is lost and confused.  Thanks for your kind works, i am happy somebody likes me cause i don't like myself ...

[bama88]

Some journies i cant take with ally in life. sometimes i wonder if my sweet baby who is changing into a young women will be a bigger pillhead than me. That scares me. i can see how easy it can or cant happen. ill just flip a coin. if she walks down the dark road of addiction i will  show her the light. i often wonder if God made my knees go out to slow me down to walk with ally. i wonder if God allowed me to be an addict to see for ally. i would do anything for ally. rehab. kidneys. whatever. i just wonder why God why. i have never shared that feeling until i met you dana.

[bama88]

I am gonna write something about ally dana...
I am allys mom. i watch her struggle every day. i watch her shine everyday. i wish i could swap bodies everyday. i worry every day. i run away everyday. i blame myself everyday. i am proud everyday. i hate it when people stare everyday. I know more surgeries more pain wait everyday. i forget this stuff everyday. I woder if im doing it right everyday. i pray alot everyday.

[bama88]

I love that post littlebit. i too see dana as amazing. shes a bigger older version of my ally. shes strong. i live with a dana. and believe me. they are very strong girls. very strong. but remeber we are as weak as we are strong

[littlebit667]

Dane, I have read many of your posts and I wish I were as strong as you....I can see that you are fighting for your life and that is worth fighting for.  You are strong, you just don't see it.  We are as strong as we need to be and you have needed to be very strong.  You took an amazing step..keep stepping so that truth will hit you in the head some day.  Please learn to like yourself, because I already do.

[bama88]

Oh heres what i really took away from rehab. the art of saying no. and learning to live with addiction.

[bama88]

Dana
im here.breathe. brearhe. breathe.
Go back and read were i was when i went off the rehab. reread how i felt when my brother talked to me. i was a Nut job. what made me go is when we started talking about rehab and detoxing. we made it funny. we made it comfortable. we even had a saying...that actually happened. not me but bamaman did it. we laughed so hard i cried. rehab is not for failures. i like my rehab.bamamam didnt want to come home. Celebraties even went to rehab. are the loosers? congressmen senators have went. football players rockstars. are they loosers. no.we think they are sucessful. so stop that stinkin thinkin. rehab is for sick people. youll learn so much. and you can leave anytime. they dont lock you in a cage. well maybe if you go apeshite on everyone....lol. Hahaha.rehab is healing. leraning. reset and rethink. snd your husbamd has to digest all of this. hes looking at you different becauze you are different. inside. not physicslly. you know what i mean. hes scared. he dosent know what to do. he wants to help. when men love us women. they get ptotective. and he isnt used to this rhing. i know. im old married. i see my husbands feelings. ya gotta look deep for them. stop this negative thinking. what good comes out of negative

[ImDONENoMore]

OH my goodness dane this isn't the lowest time of your life, it's going to be a time of rebirth.  This is the best decision you have made to go into rehab.  There you will begin to understand the reasons why you abused, and they will provide you with the tools you need to get and stay clean.  This is NOT the lowest time, it's finally a time of HOPE.  Hope for your life, hope for the life of your family and most importantly HOPE for your future.  I know you're scared right now and honestly, that's a good thing.  That means you've taken this decision seriously and you know you have some work ahead of you.  Believe it or not, the way you're feeling right now is good.  You have opened up to your husband and now you can get his support.  You have made a life-changing decision and that is also good.  I'm proud of you.  (I know we haven't always seen eye to eye so I hope it's okay that I said that).

[Dane74]

I just cant do it anymore, i  cant take the depression, the pain, the urge all of it.   i sat my hubby down and came clean and told him that his wife is a waste and that i am not the women he fell in love with.  I had all my research put together and today we will pick out what rehab place to go to.  He was amazing but i still think he looks differently of me now and i told him that too, but i am running out of options, and obviously my way is not working.  The intake nurse told me i am taking way to many benzos and that is going to take months to taper off, who the heck new i dont even like those darn drugs.  So yall that were yelling screaming and trying to make sense of me, well off i go, not sure when yet.  I have never in my life felt like such a failure as i do right now, i cant even begin to know what bottom is because right now i cant get any lower than i am right now:(((

[bama88]

awesome post leann. i do think dane has a valid point. i see so much of my daughter in her. she does make a point. however dane honey you can do this. look back and look at all you've been thru. your stronger than you think. give yourself some credit. i think when you get some clean time you won't care about the neighbors. your still in denial. i know it took me about two months or longer not to care what people thought. think of what they do say. were not as slick as we think....im just saying

[dominosarah]

Define a basket case for me.....

[LeaAnn807]

Oh, and I did IOP program 2 hours away from my home.  Every day for 4 weeks.  3 days a week for 4 weeks.  2 days a week for 4 weeks.  AND then there was one!!!  I completed it.  It was HARD!

[LeaAnn807]

Ok, I'm going to tell you what you NEED to do.  Not what you will want to do though.  Keep that in mind while you read this.

You need to sit some folks down and be really honest.  Stop worrying about what the neighborhood thinks.  (I live in Mayberry, practically, and I had to get to the point that I didn't care!)  You need to be honest with your hubby for getting rid of secrets, for getting help around the house and with kids and for his support in general.  IF he doesn't support, then you've been honest and everything is on the table anyway.  It will relieve a lot of your anxiety to get some of that out of you!  I think that is what's causing a lot of it.  A pill won't make it go away.  It will bring on more!  More pain.  More misery.  More time that you can't be a proper mom.  Every pill you take is one more you have to get over taking.

I really want you to think about what I'm telling you!  It could free you of a lot of stress and make you a new person!  You have the strength to do this.  You just have to find it!