finding out how to live sober

[Dane74]

HEllO all, Yes i am back and not proud that's for sure.  Unfortunately i am not strong enough to go the CT route and this site is more accepting of the CT peeps but i do know i need all the help i can get to taper.  I know that we are not allowed to discuss taper's but lets just say i am starting at 5 a day and slowly coming down from there.  In the end really the hardest challenge is to stay clean,  so whether or not its CT or taper we all have one goal in mind and thats to STAY CLEAN!!!!  Well folks, that is just not easy for me and im sure for any of us.  I mean i need to be honest, i love being high, i love not to feel, i love just taking a pill and then feeling great, but YES, pills turn on you like your worst enemy, YES, they mess with your mind and there really is only one option before death and that  is to STOP!!!!  So here i am, looking to rid my body of these toxins and learn how to live sober, that's the biggest fear of all, i dont know life without drugs and honestly i dont want too, i know i sound pathetic, but i just know of all places this is where i can be 100 percent honest.  So here i go  trying to tackle this head on and finding ways to learn to rethink things since my way is so warped.  

[bama88]

Some journies i cant take with ally in life. sometimes i wonder if my sweet baby who is changing into a young women will be a bigger pillhead than me. That scares me. i can see how easy it can or cant happen. ill just flip a coin. if she walks down the dark road of addiction i will  show her the light. i often wonder if God made my knees go out to slow me down to walk with ally. i wonder if God allowed me to be an addict to see for ally. i would do anything for ally. rehab. kidneys. whatever. i just wonder why God why. i have never shared that feeling until i met you dana.

[bama88]

I am gonna write something about ally dana...
I am allys mom. i watch her struggle every day. i watch her shine everyday. i wish i could swap bodies everyday. i worry every day. i run away everyday. i blame myself everyday. i am proud everyday. i hate it when people stare everyday. I know more surgeries more pain wait everyday. i forget this stuff everyday. I woder if im doing it right everyday. i pray alot everyday.

[bama88]

I love that post littlebit. i too see dana as amazing. shes a bigger older version of my ally. shes strong. i live with a dana. and believe me. they are very strong girls. very strong. but remeber we are as weak as we are strong

[littlebit667]

Dane, I have read many of your posts and I wish I were as strong as you....I can see that you are fighting for your life and that is worth fighting for.  You are strong, you just don't see it.  We are as strong as we need to be and you have needed to be very strong.  You took an amazing step..keep stepping so that truth will hit you in the head some day.  Please learn to like yourself, because I already do.

[bama88]

Oh heres what i really took away from rehab. the art of saying no. and learning to live with addiction.

[bama88]

Dana
im here.breathe. brearhe. breathe.
Go back and read were i was when i went off the rehab. reread how i felt when my brother talked to me. i was a Nut job. what made me go is when we started talking about rehab and detoxing. we made it funny. we made it comfortable. we even had a saying...that actually happened. not me but bamaman did it. we laughed so hard i cried. rehab is not for failures. i like my rehab.bamamam didnt want to come home. Celebraties even went to rehab. are the loosers? congressmen senators have went. football players rockstars. are they loosers. no.we think they are sucessful. so stop that stinkin thinkin. rehab is for sick people. youll learn so much. and you can leave anytime. they dont lock you in a cage. well maybe if you go apeshite on everyone....lol. Hahaha.rehab is healing. leraning. reset and rethink. snd your husbamd has to digest all of this. hes looking at you different becauze you are different. inside. not physicslly. you know what i mean. hes scared. he dosent know what to do. he wants to help. when men love us women. they get ptotective. and he isnt used to this rhing. i know. im old married. i see my husbands feelings. ya gotta look deep for them. stop this negative thinking. what good comes out of negative