finding out how to live sober

[Dane74]

HEllO all, Yes i am back and not proud that's for sure.  Unfortunately i am not strong enough to go the CT route and this site is more accepting of the CT peeps but i do know i need all the help i can get to taper.  I know that we are not allowed to discuss taper's but lets just say i am starting at 5 a day and slowly coming down from there.  In the end really the hardest challenge is to stay clean,  so whether or not its CT or taper we all have one goal in mind and thats to STAY CLEAN!!!!  Well folks, that is just not easy for me and im sure for any of us.  I mean i need to be honest, i love being high, i love not to feel, i love just taking a pill and then feeling great, but YES, pills turn on you like your worst enemy, YES, they mess with your mind and there really is only one option before death and that  is to STOP!!!!  So here i am, looking to rid my body of these toxins and learn how to live sober, that's the biggest fear of all, i dont know life without drugs and honestly i dont want too, i know i sound pathetic, but i just know of all places this is where i can be 100 percent honest.  So here i go  trying to tackle this head on and finding ways to learn to rethink things since my way is so warped.  

[Dane74]

Hey bama, check your inbox so i dont have to type twice....LOL   But today is a new day i actually slept and i only took 2 pills all day so thats a bonus, so i am  at 2 pills a day now and i will stay at this dose for awhile so i dont get even more anxiety than i already have.  The trots are the pits, so i have to run out and get some  immudium.  Day 3 today on my taper and once i am done tapering, i will have a flushing party again.  I believe telling the therapist the truth well most of it, really helped, i have to watch what i say in there as i really don't know what my rights are as a patient, so i am hesitant on that and i think she caught on to me.  I am just trying to keep active, my days are pretty good after i take a Xanax i can mange my day, but the early evening comes along and i am just wiped out, i mean i am completely useless around 6 pm, i was in my bed at 8.  Its difficult when my kids ask me "what's wrong mom"  oh god how i hate that, it just reminds me even more what a loser i am, and how i could even do this to my kids, it just *****......So bring on day 3 of my taper.......

Hey LeaAnn,  I just tapered down according to my body, day one was my trial day to see what i needed to get through, my original plan was 5 per day, then it was 4 and then i just did 3, so thats how i got to 3.  The faster i get these toxins out of my body the faster i can get to healing.  Look CT people do it all in a day, why cant i do a fast taper?  I dont like being treated like a gentle flower, i was my entire life, so hence i want this done NOW!!!!  I NEVER in my life had anxiety or depression, i assume because i was always high..LOL  so anxiety comes from detox for me and it will get better but it gets worse when i actually jump and then it goes away and then i say goodbye to the benzo's.  Im not abusing them i promise, i take the klnopin 1mg before bed and xanax 2 times a day at the most, when this is all over i wont need the darn benzo, also, my love is opiates the upper it gives, all the benzo's do is put me to sleep.  Thanks for the concern and words of wisdom....Dane

[rnangel]

Hello! I'm so happy to see you back in action on the forum ;) It seems that once we find our way here our desired recovery and friendships are not so easily forgotton. Sometimes we lose our way, take another path or just simply get caught up in the hectic day-to-day existence of our work and families.You indeed have been on a journey to redefine your personal meaning of health and wellness. One thing I do know Dane, is that sobriety lives deep in your heart. Like many of us, you struggle with the bitterness of having to leave behind something you 'love'..and the irony that our addiction does not love us back is the cause of much heartache and internal conflict. Stupid drugs anyway and all the woes they cause. Some days we feel strong enough to go to battle...other days we have to fight to get out of bed. What ever day you're having we want to hear about it. Missed you girl and I'm sending you hearfelt hugs xoxox

[Dane74]

Hey girl, so sorry i lost touch with you, but as you know i did disappear from the forum because i went back to using and its just so embarrassing, i hate to be one of those habitual  relapsers.  But i am back and hopefully i can make it work this time, i think i had to reach my bottom to realize that i cant go down that path again.  And i never forgot you my friend, sorry i abandoned you, just got lost in my own pity party of addiction he!!, and didn't want to talk to anyone.  I am doing OK, and as Gnarly says,  you just have to be OK with being OK for awhile i know i have a long road ahead of me and with the help of my therapist i can only pray i can have the strength to fight this with all i got.  Today is day 3 of my taper and i am just taking it day by day, hour by hour at times, the depression is kicking in and i cry allot, gosh i hate to cry this is not like me, i guess the pills never let me cry, so for me crying is a challenge, i hate to feel vulnerable, i am use to being the strong one,  the tuff cookie if you will, but deep down, there is nothing tough about me, i like the easy way out:(  So i am in the process of trying to change they way i think, not an easy task but i do believe in time i can do it.  Thanks for coming back to me, i sure could use all the friends i can get at this point in time:)  You are so right that the love for pills is a one way street, they dont love you back, so really they just let you down and make you feel rejected, one day i will come to grips with that.   XO Dane

[rnangel]

No sorry's m'bug. I have been with you all along in spirit ;o) Even though we lost touch you have still been an important part of my journey. Just knowing you has made me better person.

I have been in recovery since Nov 18 and go to meeting 1-3 times a week. I'm also working 48-55 hours in 4 days then get 5 off. Some days are more overwhelming than others. Not so much the cravings but the emotional aspects. Nurturing the relationships that I've damaged takes time and great effort...especially the one with myself. I'm happy to hear you see a therapist regularly as that is one of the most loving things you can do for yourself. Take care of yourself and keep those tears flowing xox

[vicki595]

As your friend, I'm going to tell you that you're not listening.  Yo need to be honest with your therapist,as we all do!  You're taking too many meds!

You have an answer for everyone and everything. LeaAnn left an excellent comment. Please read it again...

You know I care about you and I don't want to sound harsh but you worry me.
Please taper properly, there's no need to rush this.

[Dane74]

Vicki, i have no answers, i am just a drug addict fool that thinks i have the right answers.  What am i not listening too?  I am tapering slow, i am seeing a shrink, i admitted i am an addict to the forum and the therapist,  what more can i freaking do???  Too many meds????  How is that possible, i went from popping 12 percs a day 4-5 at a time to now just 2 a day, how is that to many?  I cant go the CT route i am too weak of  person, i know that more than half the people on here go CT and that i am a minority here for tapering, but tapering is hard too.  Also, my meds are all prescribed and i am not going back to pain management, because if i go there i can walk out with a RX of anything i want.  I so appreciate all that you do for me vicki, we do have a long history together and i do admire all your words of wisdom, but i have to admit on this on i have to stand my ground.  My therapist thinks/thought i was suicidal when i told her i reached bottom and i refused to tell her how many pills i took, i was afraid she would admit me into the hospital, so being 100% honest with the therapist can only lead me into rehab or for that matter a pshc ward!!!!  She asked me  hundreds  of ways if i wanted to kill myself and i kept saying NO, i just wanted to chase that high, then she brings up Whitney and i got defensive  i am not Whitney and she mixed benzo's with alcohol, i did not!!!  Of course she said that was my addict mind talking.  Maybe you are right i am a head case, i am not suicidal, i was just chasing something and learned from it, good thing i did get scared and sick and now i am here trying to do something about it.  DOes that make any sense?  Or am i just a freak of nature?