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finding out how to live sober
HEllO all, Yes i am back and not proud that's for sure. Unfortunately i am not strong enough to go the CT route and this site is more accepting of the CT peeps but i do know i need all the help i can get to taper. I know that we are not allowed to discuss taper's but lets just say i am starting at 5 a day and slowly coming down from there. In the end really the hardest challenge is to stay clean, so whether or not its CT or taper we all have one goal in mind and thats to STAY CLEAN!!!! Well folks, that is just not easy for me and im sure for any of us. I mean i need to be honest, i love being high, i love not to feel, i love just taking a pill and then feeling great, but YES, pills turn on you like your worst enemy, YES, they mess with your mind and there really is only one option before death and that is to STOP!!!! So here i am, looking to rid my body of these toxins and learn how to live sober, that's the biggest fear of all, i dont know life without drugs and honestly i dont want too, i know i sound pathetic, but i just know of all places this is where i can be 100 percent honest. So here i go trying to tackle this head on and finding ways to learn to rethink things since my way is so warped.
Best Answer
Dana, I think what we (I) worry about for you is switching addictions when you are so vulnerable. I never liked benzos either, but I learned to like them when my drug of choice was gone, and trust me...........they are AWFUL to come off of! Cross addiction is very, very real and happens to so many people. You may not like them. BUT may end up dependent on them and have to wean off of them. That's not what you want, right? You want to be done with this crap. I KNOW you do!!! I have literally been addicted to so many things I can't even list them all. I think just about everything but meth and heroin?? So what I'm saying is that it happened to me. I'm scared it will happen to you too! : (
I know. It's okay. Don't worry about it.
Vicki, the last thing i want to do is **** you off, at times we dont agree and that's ok for us to agree to disagree. For starters i am not taking benzos to help with the WD it is to help with the anxiety. If i were on pills i wouldn't have the anxiety. As for the therapist, she scared the crap at of me and asked me the same questions just in a different way i felt like i was being examined on weather not i am a head case or not. I actually go back tomorrow because she is worried about me, oh god what did i get myself into this time, See honesty sometimes comes back in bites you in the A$$. How much more support can i get? I am not going to NA i have done that before, so shoot seeing a shrink should be plenty and a good friend knows too. The reason i mentioned that all the meds are prescribed is because they gave them to me to take during this time of need. So i thought/think it is only normal to take them since i have them legit, i assume i am wrong again. I am sorry for being cranky and just not understanding you, but as of now i am not a happy camper and all i want is my pills!!!! NOT benzos
dane you've been down this road before and this isn't your first "dance" with trying to get clean. And believe me I PROMISE you the benzos will become a problem. I too thought in the beginning that the benzos weren't my DOC - that tramadol was - only I ended up heavily addicted to both. I didn't plan that - none of us do - you included - but it is a slippery slope my friend - you need to be really careful. And I could not agree more about being honest - 100% honest with your therapist. - they can not commit you because you're an addict and if you tell her you are not suicidal, she can't do that to you. Please - find some new ways to enter your journey into sobriety. I feel like you're getting defensive and you already know that never works. Until you surrender you can't get out of this. I know it's hard - FU&CK I know how hard that is. But it's the only way out.
Slow that taper down, and get off the benzos, you might think they're helping you now - believe me I remember thinking the exact way you are right now - and it's one of the biggest mistakes I made. I'm not trying to be harsh - just sharing my experience. I want to see you get well - YOU want to see you get well so give yourself a fighting chance here and try something new. What have you got to lose at this point?
Slow that taper down, and get off the benzos, you might think they're helping you now - believe me I remember thinking the exact way you are right now - and it's one of the biggest mistakes I made. I'm not trying to be harsh - just sharing my experience. I want to see you get well - YOU want to see you get well so give yourself a fighting chance here and try something new. What have you got to lose at this point?
Okay. I'm sorry you're upset.
You're taking benzos to help with the withdrawal from the opiates, which you wouldn't be having if you tapered properly. You've cut too much too fast.
Your therapist would not have put you in the hosp if you're not suicidal. You were chasing a high and that's the problem. Your not dangerous.
No one here cares if someone tapers or goes CT. I tapered and,yes,it's very hard. You may need more support than you're getting. One last thing, it doesn't matter that all your meds are prescribed. I don't know why you even mention that...
Just be okay Dana. I'm trying to help, as you know.
You're taking benzos to help with the withdrawal from the opiates, which you wouldn't be having if you tapered properly. You've cut too much too fast.
Your therapist would not have put you in the hosp if you're not suicidal. You were chasing a high and that's the problem. Your not dangerous.
No one here cares if someone tapers or goes CT. I tapered and,yes,it's very hard. You may need more support than you're getting. One last thing, it doesn't matter that all your meds are prescribed. I don't know why you even mention that...
Just be okay Dana. I'm trying to help, as you know.
Vicki, i have no answers, i am just a drug addict fool that thinks i have the right answers. What am i not listening too? I am tapering slow, i am seeing a shrink, i admitted i am an addict to the forum and the therapist, what more can i freaking do??? Too many meds???? How is that possible, i went from popping 12 percs a day 4-5 at a time to now just 2 a day, how is that to many? I cant go the CT route i am too weak of person, i know that more than half the people on here go CT and that i am a minority here for tapering, but tapering is hard too. Also, my meds are all prescribed and i am not going back to pain management, because if i go there i can walk out with a RX of anything i want. I so appreciate all that you do for me vicki, we do have a long history together and i do admire all your words of wisdom, but i have to admit on this on i have to stand my ground. My therapist thinks/thought i was suicidal when i told her i reached bottom and i refused to tell her how many pills i took, i was afraid she would admit me into the hospital, so being 100% honest with the therapist can only lead me into rehab or for that matter a pshc ward!!!! She asked me hundreds of ways if i wanted to kill myself and i kept saying NO, i just wanted to chase that high, then she brings up Whitney and i got defensive i am not Whitney and she mixed benzo's with alcohol, i did not!!! Of course she said that was my addict mind talking. Maybe you are right i am a head case, i am not suicidal, i was just chasing something and learned from it, good thing i did get scared and sick and now i am here trying to do something about it. DOes that make any sense? Or am i just a freak of nature?
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About the confidence........I'll say this. IF I can, you can! And I did. It may take every bit of strength you have but stay on a SLOW taper, letting your body get used to every little drop, and get rid of those benzos. They will be a sharp thorn in your side in no time flat. Think about it this way....."I'll have the confidence to get thru today." Don't worry yourself with forever. Just muster the confidence for a day, or half a day. Whatever works!!!!
You can do this! Just gotta change your stinkin thinkin!!!