Aa
finding out how to live sober
HEllO all, Yes i am back and not proud that's for sure. Unfortunately i am not strong enough to go the CT route and this site is more accepting of the CT peeps but i do know i need all the help i can get to taper. I know that we are not allowed to discuss taper's but lets just say i am starting at 5 a day and slowly coming down from there. In the end really the hardest challenge is to stay clean, so whether or not its CT or taper we all have one goal in mind and thats to STAY CLEAN!!!! Well folks, that is just not easy for me and im sure for any of us. I mean i need to be honest, i love being high, i love not to feel, i love just taking a pill and then feeling great, but YES, pills turn on you like your worst enemy, YES, they mess with your mind and there really is only one option before death and that is to STOP!!!! So here i am, looking to rid my body of these toxins and learn how to live sober, that's the biggest fear of all, i dont know life without drugs and honestly i dont want too, i know i sound pathetic, but i just know of all places this is where i can be 100 percent honest. So here i go trying to tackle this head on and finding ways to learn to rethink things since my way is so warped.
I came back too after falling down. I have a week under my belt and I know what/how you feel. It is the same for me! I want you to succeed and will be pulling for you to get there!!!!
Yes you DO want to learn what life is like without pills!! That's why you're doing this! So...that's the first part of your thinking that needs changing!
GOT IT?
You'll get there Dana and its complicated for you but you'll get there...one day at a time honey!
GOT IT?
You'll get there Dana and its complicated for you but you'll get there...one day at a time honey!
hi and welcome back.
you are very courageous.
tapering is what works for you.
we are here for you hun to love,support,encourage and to pray for you. you are a winner.
as always i will be looking for you.
you took another step on your journey of recovery
hugs
debbie
you are very courageous.
tapering is what works for you.
we are here for you hun to love,support,encourage and to pray for you. you are a winner.
as always i will be looking for you.
you took another step on your journey of recovery
hugs
debbie
Thanks guys, I so appreciate the support! Welcome back littlebit your doing great. Vicki, no I really don't want to know its difficult enough dealing with life high no less straight. Once The opiates are out of my body then bam it's like I'm filled with emotion, fear, anxiety, just to name a few. Does look to appetizing.... One day at at time is all I can say for now . Already the anxiety is kicking in and my mind is just playing trricks on me. Here I go again, the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other, I hope and pray I have the strength to follow my angel cause that darn devil is so powerful:( Debbie, thanks for all your prayers, I sure do need them.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Down and counting to that week Dane! Your note was on Feb 9th....Am waiting in the weeds....
Your right sara i have to stop the romance but i was in love for 38 years!!!! And as for my week, i started early:) I am actually down to 3 a day today, so that's a good start for me.
Hey dane - I know it's been a while since we've spoken. I'm glad to see you back. And I think you know what I'm going to ask you, but I'm going to ask just the same.
What is your plan for handling your pain without the meds and what is your plan for aftercare re: your addiction? You know you have to put those plans in place to succeed. Learning from our relapses, or continued addiction, is key to finding a way out. What are you going to do differently this time? I already know you can, but you gotta have a good plan in place honey, there's no way around that. Only way out? Is THROUGH. No shortcuts here (how many times I wished there was... whew...)
What is your plan for handling your pain without the meds and what is your plan for aftercare re: your addiction? You know you have to put those plans in place to succeed. Learning from our relapses, or continued addiction, is key to finding a way out. What are you going to do differently this time? I already know you can, but you gotta have a good plan in place honey, there's no way around that. Only way out? Is THROUGH. No shortcuts here (how many times I wished there was... whew...)
COMMUNITY LEADER
Romancing the devil only leads to one thing and that is death. You keep up your tapering. Have you ever written a letter to your pills?
imdone, hello stranger, its been awhile, unfortunately i wish under better circumstances. I dont have a plan as to how to handle my pain other than the basics, i do go to PT and massage therapy, but i dont have a choice i have to suck up the pain because i know i cannot take the pills as prescribed and its my own fault so i have to just learn to deal with it. I never really gave my body a chance to evaluate my pain since i was only clean for 70 days, and yes those 70 days were hellish and the pain was bad, but i am sure i can learn to live with it as i really dont have an option. As for aftercare, well i tried out NA/AA its not for me, i dont fit in, but i do see a shrink every week and she is very well aware of my addiction.
Sara, never thought to write a letter to the pills, but you know what it sounds like a good idea, i will put it on my to do list:)
Sara, never thought to write a letter to the pills, but you know what it sounds like a good idea, i will put it on my to do list:)
Hey Dane,
My taper is going a lot slower than yours. I have been tapering for almost 4 months on Opana ER and IR. I am on 1/4 of what I was using. I totally understand the anxiety and pain. The problem is I can't make a good plan for handling the pain after opiates because nothing else has helped. I have been to PT, to Mayo Clinic, to NY for a month of back treatments last May, to non-addictive pain medicine. Then of course to Opiates. They have turned on me big time. Tapering on them has been hell. I only thought I new what anxiety was until now. I am at the point that I am probably heading to Florida Detox and Wellness. Has anyone else been there??? I am just scared. OK -- Opiates are also an antidepressant/antianxiety agent. So what if I am mental unstable after the detox? What if I am in physical pain?? Wow, I am thinking I am going to have to trust the process and go. However, a part of me wants to take a benzo and help myself come down. I haven't had a benzo since May. But, what if it is heavenly compared to this terrible anxiety. What if I am immediately hooked? I have an untouched bottle of Xanax XR that could be used for detoxing. It is calling me, and saying I could perhaps, not have to go away to do this! How do I know what I should do??? I feel very confused.
Anyway, I am grateful I can go. I have had major back surgery and a long hx of back pain. I am 43, married, with an 8 year old daughter.
So Dane, you aren't alone. Sorry you are going through this too.
Big Hug,
Marie
My taper is going a lot slower than yours. I have been tapering for almost 4 months on Opana ER and IR. I am on 1/4 of what I was using. I totally understand the anxiety and pain. The problem is I can't make a good plan for handling the pain after opiates because nothing else has helped. I have been to PT, to Mayo Clinic, to NY for a month of back treatments last May, to non-addictive pain medicine. Then of course to Opiates. They have turned on me big time. Tapering on them has been hell. I only thought I new what anxiety was until now. I am at the point that I am probably heading to Florida Detox and Wellness. Has anyone else been there??? I am just scared. OK -- Opiates are also an antidepressant/antianxiety agent. So what if I am mental unstable after the detox? What if I am in physical pain?? Wow, I am thinking I am going to have to trust the process and go. However, a part of me wants to take a benzo and help myself come down. I haven't had a benzo since May. But, what if it is heavenly compared to this terrible anxiety. What if I am immediately hooked? I have an untouched bottle of Xanax XR that could be used for detoxing. It is calling me, and saying I could perhaps, not have to go away to do this! How do I know what I should do??? I feel very confused.
Anyway, I am grateful I can go. I have had major back surgery and a long hx of back pain. I am 43, married, with an 8 year old daughter.
So Dane, you aren't alone. Sorry you are going through this too.
Big Hug,
Marie
HI Dane good to see you back although I wish it where under better circumstances pleanty of our members are tapering right now it soften the blow of C/T but it dose stretch out the process and your just not yourself wile tapering will walk this threw with you keep seeing your tharipist in a few weeks you will be free from these pills again good luck and God bless......Gnarly
Hey girl, i hear your pain and yes the taper just ***** and as Gnarly says it just lightens the blow from CT but this is the only way i can do it. Yesterday i made it through just taking 3 a day so thats what i am doing for about a week, i need my body to get use to this dose before i drop to 2 and half and so on. The anxiety kicked in yesterday and i know it will only get worse, last time i was down to just half a pill and then jump off talk about anxiety it was something out of this world. I never abused benzo's its not my DOC i like the upper feeling not the downer so for me i do take zanax and before bed i take klonopin, once i am done with the taper and take the plunge and jump off then its clondine i take. I remember the anxiety did go away, it was the depression that did not. As for managing my pain, girl i dont have a clue either, other than the basic knowledge like ice, Aleve, and rest thats my plan, will i be in pain, for sure i will, but i know i cannot continue to take pills because i cant take them as prescribed and i go straight into addiction mode and pop more and more just to get my fix, so yeah not only am i pain free and i am also flying high, sounds fun and it was while it lasted,but they turn on you and fast, they are our worst enemy. I had to reach my bottom to get to this point of my thinking, and i can only hope i have the strength to continue getting my act together. Marie, my kids do not know that there mom is a drug addict , and i wish i could just go away and escape to rehab and come back new, but that cant work with my lifestyle. Im 38 married and with 2 kids, cant leave my kids or hubby for that matter. The biggest problem is pain triggers me and i will always have pain:(( Lets just try to do this day by day, becasue when i get ahead of my self i find it too overwhelming, so one day at a time and sometimes i say one hour at a time. As gnarly would say, we didnt get here overnight so we have to work on our recovery it takes time and as addicts we want it NOW, so we need to rethink that. Hang in there girl, PM me if you need me:)
Day two today for my taper i am at 3 perc a day coming from 12 per day, so i am hanging in today so far, the anxiety and trots are in full effect but i can deal with that. Off to my shrink today....
Day two today for my taper i am at 3 perc a day coming from 12 per day, so i am hanging in today so far, the anxiety and trots are in full effect but i can deal with that. Off to my shrink today....
Hey, sweetie! Listen, you basically have the right idea, but Sara is right. We ALL have to stop remembering the good stuff and start thinking of the other things you mentioned. I think that tapering is right for some people. You have my full support in doing that. I'll warn you though. It's HARD as he!!. You have to be strict and disciplined with yourself. You have a unique situation, and that's gonna make it even harder for you.
I took pills because I loved them too. That was IT! I finally had to love myself more than pills.
You can so do this! Give yourself a REAL chance to change ok? I'll be here to help and support you.
Go ahead and start the thomas recipe while you are tapering. It's good to have that stuff in you when the final pill is down the hatch!!!
Sending you a big, big hug!!! : )
I took pills because I loved them too. That was IT! I finally had to love myself more than pills.
You can so do this! Give yourself a REAL chance to change ok? I'll be here to help and support you.
Go ahead and start the thomas recipe while you are tapering. It's good to have that stuff in you when the final pill is down the hatch!!!
Sending you a big, big hug!!! : )
Dane:
I can comment on one thing that we have/had in common - life without pills. I've been abusing for over ten years. During this past year it was Norcos, 8 to 10 a day. When the high kicked in, I didn't think about anything except enjoying that fuzzy feeling. Then, at least for me, about two hours later I just felt normal, then not so normal. During the latter period I'd think about how in the world could I, or anyone for that matter, ever enjoy life without meds. Impossible. Well, I was very, very wrong. I'm 43 days clean and have found that the natural highs that come with daily living are, #1, much more satisfying, and #2, last longer than an hour or two. I'm very honest when I post on this forum; I tell new people that the first few days of detox will be hell. I don't candy coat it because that really doesn't help anyone. Like you said, this is where we CAN be honest with each other. So now I'm being honest with you. It is so much better without meds. That's a promise.
I can comment on one thing that we have/had in common - life without pills. I've been abusing for over ten years. During this past year it was Norcos, 8 to 10 a day. When the high kicked in, I didn't think about anything except enjoying that fuzzy feeling. Then, at least for me, about two hours later I just felt normal, then not so normal. During the latter period I'd think about how in the world could I, or anyone for that matter, ever enjoy life without meds. Impossible. Well, I was very, very wrong. I'm 43 days clean and have found that the natural highs that come with daily living are, #1, much more satisfying, and #2, last longer than an hour or two. I'm very honest when I post on this forum; I tell new people that the first few days of detox will be hell. I don't candy coat it because that really doesn't help anyone. Like you said, this is where we CAN be honest with each other. So now I'm being honest with you. It is so much better without meds. That's a promise.
If tapering works for you, and you are strong enough to actually have possession of the lil devils and taper yourself, You are stronger than I. The tapering never worked for me, and I would panic when I only had a few left.. I was taking 20 (5mg) vicodin per day, or if I could get the norco I would take about 12-13 (10mg) per day. my taper went like this 18pills, 12 pills, and on day 3, I only had 5 left so I took them all. Then Day 4 was cold turkey and that day was January 27, 2012. I'm 19 days clean today. I was not strong enough to taper, and did not have this forum yet either. Do what works for you. I did take myself to the ER on Day 1, because the anxiety was so bad, I thought I might die. They prescribed me the clonidine, and 4 valium, one a night for the next 4 nights...I used them both as prescribed, the clonidine, and immodium worked wonders for me. I feel great today. You can do this. I have 3 step children who I consider my own, and who live with us full time, they do not know about my problem.. my husband does not know, my family does not know. Only you guys on this forum, and I finally told 1 friend, who was formally hooked on meth and sometimes would get my pills for me. She has been clean for 6 years, and finally told me she is worried about me and the pills. I broke it down, and text her every couple days with the number of days I haven't taken a pill.. that helps knowing someone who went through an addiction and has remained clean for so long. Take it day by day. Good Luck to you.
dane.
what really helped me was the change of thinking. i tend to get overwhelmed when i think in long term sobriety. statements such as im done forever. or im never gonna use again is too hard of a goal for me. i have said those things during detox. but after the detox is over and we start remembering how good those darn pills make us feel. the forever is replaced but just one more time. ill take as prescribed. i can stop anytime i want. and id justify by see I've detoxes before. so i can do it again. see where im going.
when i went to detox they changed im never gonna use again to. i can't promise ill stay clean forever to i will jot use today. i will not use this minute hour morning evening whatever
works for you. remember that when you jump ok? try to say that instead of forever. we don't know what tomorrow brings but we know what right now means.
your doing so good. a fantastic job. keep it up and stay with us no matter what ok? and did you know cravings last only 30minutes? hugs
what really helped me was the change of thinking. i tend to get overwhelmed when i think in long term sobriety. statements such as im done forever. or im never gonna use again is too hard of a goal for me. i have said those things during detox. but after the detox is over and we start remembering how good those darn pills make us feel. the forever is replaced but just one more time. ill take as prescribed. i can stop anytime i want. and id justify by see I've detoxes before. so i can do it again. see where im going.
when i went to detox they changed im never gonna use again to. i can't promise ill stay clean forever to i will jot use today. i will not use this minute hour morning evening whatever
works for you. remember that when you jump ok? try to say that instead of forever. we don't know what tomorrow brings but we know what right now means.
your doing so good. a fantastic job. keep it up and stay with us no matter what ok? and did you know cravings last only 30minutes? hugs
Dana: you're dropping too much,too fast. Slow that down so you can relieve those symptoms,okay?
You only THINK you can't handle life without pills. You've not really given yourself a fighting chance yet. You could feel just fine but you can't see that now because your brain is muddled by Percocet...
Xanax and Klonopin,huh? Is that a problem?
You only THINK you can't handle life without pills. You've not really given yourself a fighting chance yet. You could feel just fine but you can't see that now because your brain is muddled by Percocet...
Xanax and Klonopin,huh? Is that a problem?
Lea, ANN, it was you that inspired me to quit last time when i only made it 70 days. The pain that you had to endure without pills, so it got me, to think i can do it too, well so i hope i can. But honestly i cave into the pain and addiction, i wish i had your strength.
klye505, thank you so much for sharing your story, i can only wish i can get that felling of being able to enjoy life and be happy without pills, and i do fin that so hard to believe:( I am working on that in therapy. so again thanks for the honesty and i truly hope and pray i can fell happy without pills....
Neverdreamed. Thanks for sharing, Know body knows the true extent of my addiction either they think its dependency rather than addiction. Im taking it day by day and i did tell a friend and she told me that she was really worried about me, and today on confided to my therapist.
Bama, totally agree, i cant say forever i am just saying one day at a time. Thanks for your words of wisdom:)
Vicki, i am just doing what my body tells me. so if i start to get the WD's and they get worse i just take one pill, and try to stretch it out throughout the day. Today i took one at noon and the other at 8pm so that was only 2, but if i wake in the middle of the night i will just take one. So hopefully i can be down to 2 a day tomorrow. I had an amazing session with my therapist , i came clean to her and told her most of it, i just got worried because she thought i was suicidally , so i had to back off a bit before she admitted me into a psch ward!!!LOL She wants me to come 2 times a week now because i am tapering and then jumping and she know the depression is going to hit me hard. As for the benzo's that's not my DOC,i just use them too detox and then i am off them. Just like last time. Thanks for the concern but i am all good in that department.XO
klye505, thank you so much for sharing your story, i can only wish i can get that felling of being able to enjoy life and be happy without pills, and i do fin that so hard to believe:( I am working on that in therapy. so again thanks for the honesty and i truly hope and pray i can fell happy without pills....
Neverdreamed. Thanks for sharing, Know body knows the true extent of my addiction either they think its dependency rather than addiction. Im taking it day by day and i did tell a friend and she told me that she was really worried about me, and today on confided to my therapist.
Bama, totally agree, i cant say forever i am just saying one day at a time. Thanks for your words of wisdom:)
Vicki, i am just doing what my body tells me. so if i start to get the WD's and they get worse i just take one pill, and try to stretch it out throughout the day. Today i took one at noon and the other at 8pm so that was only 2, but if i wake in the middle of the night i will just take one. So hopefully i can be down to 2 a day tomorrow. I had an amazing session with my therapist , i came clean to her and told her most of it, i just got worried because she thought i was suicidally , so i had to back off a bit before she admitted me into a psch ward!!!LOL She wants me to come 2 times a week now because i am tapering and then jumping and she know the depression is going to hit me hard. As for the benzo's that's not my DOC,i just use them too detox and then i am off them. Just like last time. Thanks for the concern but i am all good in that department.XO
Hey hun. That is great that you will see your therapist 2x a week. That will help.awesome you could unload to her. It will help with the anxiety and stress of the detox. Remember one day at a time.
You went from 12 to 3 in one day? I think I read that right. Wow that's a very big drop. Take care of yourself, don't go to fast.
You are going in the right direction. I am so happy that you are back.
You go girlfriend.you,me and the LORD make a majority. We got your back.
Xoxo
You went from 12 to 3 in one day? I think I read that right. Wow that's a very big drop. Take care of yourself, don't go to fast.
You are going in the right direction. I am so happy that you are back.
You go girlfriend.you,me and the LORD make a majority. We got your back.
Xoxo
Thanks debbie, well yes and know did i go from 12 to 3. When i got stupid and wanted my last hooray i took 12 pills and thats when i reached my bottom, i did it for 2 days and was just flying away for 2 days, i got so scared, i looked in the mirror and saw what i have become and that was my wake up call. I was usually taking 6-9 a day but not all at once. But the good news it was an eye opener for me and here i am on day 3 of my taper. I made it yesterday in just 2 pills so that is my plan today as well. 2 pills, now if i need another pill and the WD's get bad believe me i will take another but no more than 3 a day. I know slow and steady but i want this crap out of my body and want to try to feel normal, honestly i dont know why the rush because i really dont like normal but i better learn to like it before i end up like Whitney. As always thank you so much for all your prayers. today is a new day, and hopefully i can get through it.......
I appreciate that, Dana! But you ARE as strong as me. Everyone has it in them. I do think that under your circumstances, you may be tapering too fast. Tapering too fast brings on unimaginable anxiety for people who already have issues with it. Hence you feeling the need for xanax and klonopin. Those scare me for you too.
Just slow it down some, ok honey? You can do this!
Just slow it down some, ok honey? You can do this!
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About the confidence........I'll say this. IF I can, you can! And I did. It may take every bit of strength you have but stay on a SLOW taper, letting your body get used to every little drop, and get rid of those benzos. They will be a sharp thorn in your side in no time flat. Think about it this way....."I'll have the confidence to get thru today." Don't worry yourself with forever. Just muster the confidence for a day, or half a day. Whatever works!!!!
You can do this! Just gotta change your stinkin thinkin!!!