help with opiate addiction...

[Calidummy]

Hello everyone, I have been taking over 100mg of Percs a day, and snorting more then half of those! But yesterday when I came clean to my wonderful wife, I saw the disappointment in her eyes and it hurt my soul! I am a former Marine with two deployments to Iraq! Baghdad then fallujah, I have pretty severe PTSD because of all that ******** that happened to me and my friends (RIP) over there! I have severe lower back issues, which I had surgery a lil over 3 weeks ago, now my med intake is getting WAYYY out of Control! I deserve better and my family definately does too! Enough is enough!!! I am currently about 16 hours clean and the worst of the W/D feeling haven't crept in yet, but there obviously on there way!!! I'm feeling shaky, sweaty, anxious, and the bathroom is becoming more and more frequent! This is gonna suck! One thing that I have found that helps is looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself
"you gotta feel ALL of this pain and BS to understand how awful these Meds are for my body!!!" and I'm (other then being addicted...) a very healthy and strong (physically and USUALLY headstrong!) but I'm afraid of the depression the most! After returning from fallujah I tried killing myself more then once! My wife was NOT having that!!! The Percs helped me a lot with dealing with everyday life an now that I've committed to stopping them I'm
Genuinely kinda scared of what's in store for me now! ANY HELP would be great! Btw I'm 29 with a (almost) 3 year old princess at home with me while I recover from surgery! I don't want my BS affecting her more then it already has you know! Please help me get through this BS I have created for myself! Thank you all and Semper Fi!!!
  Cpl. Johnson!

[weaver71]

Yeah Cali, the women that support us are truly amazing. I know it hurt her to hear the truth, and it was hard to fess up, but it's worth it, right? I'm so happy to hear you are feeling better and have support. I saw AC/DC live the year that album came out, they opened for Ozzy in Austin, TX. Keep your fighter attitude, you rock!!!

[dominosarah]

How about For those about to rock as i think you deserve a 21 gun salute~

[AnimalGuy]

I refuse to call you calidummy. You sir are not a dummy. You are an American hero living the American dream, wife, kids, a home and a career that I can only dream of. I can't even watch those videos of soldiers coming home and surprising their family without crying. You are already a strength to a bunch of us and that is already obvious. Semper Fidelis. Me and my longtime girlfriend had a talk tonight about me getting off these damn pills. At my worst I was up to 40mg at a time once a day so in comparison to some other testimonials its not much but it taking a toll on me, but please god listen to these people on here!! Anytime you get stressed or what have you post on here and it's usually not long to get a response.  Stay strong.

[tokenkarma]

I meant 'this/Your' post. Sorry, guys, I'm still a member of the 'spelling police' ;)

[tokenkarma]

I found, or was 'guided' to another forum you're on last Friday. In those five
days, I've had a joy not experienced in decades, albeit, with discomfort.
I am tapering, a method which seems either supported or seen as a
less effect method, such as 'cold turkey'. I've been corresponding through
those days with someone I also believe I was guided to. I 'accidentally'
ended up back to this one (I'd never been on a forum before Friday, so
am still maneuvering). ANYWAY... just quickly scrolled down and stopped at this/our post. Your thoughts were just what I needed at this juncture.
Thank you.

[atthebeach]

hi cpl Johnson
how are you feeling?

[atthebeach]

wow that is so awesome . I am so glad that you posted, updated and are doing do good. we get worried when we don't hear from someone for awhile.
I am so happy for you that you have such a great outlook.
it is going to get better my friend. we care and so does the LORD.
keep up the good work, you are doing all the right things.
get some exercise in, did you look for a support group or have you considered counseling?
spending time with your wife and daughter is wonderful.
you have a new chance at life and a renewed sense of what is really important, your faith, your family and your life.
keep on keepin on.
so glad you are looking to your faith and the LORD again,
continued blessings, healing and peace,
lots of prayers going up,
Debbie

[Calidummy]

Hello everyone, my wife had yesterday off so we had a pretty amazing day, well... Jut shopping and making dinner together, but everything I'm able to do right now amazes me for sure! The last three days have been rough but, when I woke up today, and went outside and breathed in that pure mountain air, I was happy for the first time in a few days. Actually more like the last year or so! Thank you all for your support, I don't know, but hearing from ya'all and knowing that so many of you have done it, gave me a lot of hope and courage! Something I've been missing for a while now! I've been doing a lot of praying and putting my faith and whatever is gonna come my way, into the hands of the lord! I almost feel more spiritual already! I'm so glad I made that first step! Being honest with my wife has given me all the strength I needed! I honestly thought I was just gonna stop taking these Meds some day and she'd never even have to know about the abuse of them! But I got to the point where I admitted it was beyond my control and I needed someone I trusted on my side and to talk to about this! I've been doing good, taking lots of vitamins and eating a lot of fruit and nuts! My appetite seems to be coming back! It's so funny... I told my wife several years ago that when I was REALLY struggling to find strength in USMC boot camp, I'd replay AC/DC thunderstruck in my head, and it would push me to accomplish way more then I thought I could! So guess what I've been waking up to lately...? Haha damn I love that woman!!! She made me a fruit smoothie an played my "motivational" song before she went off to work today! Little things let me know people care, and knowing that she still has my back after all this lying and deceit is almost overwhelming! She is my soul mate and my guardian angel!!! Too all the rest of my new friends on here... Thank you all so much for helping and showing me there is a better way of life and I don't need these damn things anymore! Much love for all of you! Thank you, I'll post again later today... I've got a 2 year old yelling for daddy again, haha shes just helping keep me busy... Right?!?!? Oi vea!

[atthebeach]

hey cpl Johnson how are you doing? can you please check in with us?
we are concerned for you.
there is always hope...
keep the faith....

[VICourageous]

Hi, I just wanted to give you some support and thank you for you so much for your Service. Because of people like you I have the Freedom to be here on this site as well. I would just like to say you got some great advice from my MH friends above. Just know that "Time is the Greatest Healer" of it all. I am a long time user and not a young chic. I have found peace and I put my trust in My God again. There is a lot to this recovery as well. The detox part is actually the easy part it is fighting them demons in your head that we have to work hard at. As time goes on and your Brain Transmitters start to heal you will be more in-tuned with yourself. You will have to put up Boundaries and learn what will and can Trigger your thinking at any given moment. Just keep up the Courage and take it in Baby Steps. You will feel so much better in TIME. Keep re-directing your self from your thinking and try to stay Hydrated and drink some things with Electrolytes to help build them back..Also try to replenish your Vit/Min that are lost due to drug abuse. I know you are a smart person and I can tell you want this so much..You can do it and we are here to Cheer for You all the way!!! Ya!!!
PS I had that saying in my status one time. I really do believe it.
Bless

[atthebeach]

for rls take baths with Epsom salts, take a magnesium/calcium supplement, otc  hylands  restful leg supplements, foods high in potassium, drink tonic with quinine, wrap your legs in a heating pad.
walking helps to make it subside.
sleep will take a while to return, you just have to let your brain chemistry repopulate and that will take time.
your desire to be clean has to outweigh your desire to use.
the sooner you stop using the quicker you will heal.
please try to come up with a plan to help prevent relapse, keeping yourself busy, support groups, church, exercise program, counseling, posting on this site,..
stay with us ok?
GOD cares about you and so do we.

[Brightfutureahead]

Those few you have left will keep calling your name and just drag things out.

[Jimmy1975]

Hang on Marine ! Be glad you made the choice to stop ! With PTSD you don't need this nightmare on top of that ! I know the PTSD all to well . 1st Persian Gulf war here . Look its a process but I have no doubt you can do this ! Stay here on the boards . Try and stay busy and get some exercise no matter if its walking around the block . You will regain your life and you will thank God you did . As for the post traumatic stress disorder are you getting any help for this ? I did and it helped me immensely . Call your local vet center if you haven't all ready . Don't suffer brother . Stay strong ..Jimmy

[Calidummy]

Too everyone who has taken time out of your busy lives to help a COMPLETE stranger who is struggling, shows me that the way of the lord is living and well! And I haven't been religious since I buried my mother in 1998, she was my hero and to watch her pretty much drink herself to death (she died from surgery actually, she never woke up!!!) and that added to my severe anxiety as my surgery approached! I made it though, and now I'm 3 weeks out of surgery an have a few more weeks before returning to work, so I figured now my chance to get clean and come off these damn things! I still have a few left and I plan on taking a half (5mg) at bedtime because I've had problems with RLS my whole life and W/D is making its 1000X worse! Can't even sleep without one, but I'm hoping that will subside eventually! Thank you all soooo much for all the motivating perspectives and helping me cope with this mess I've created! Peace love an all of the above!
Cpl. Johnson USMC

[Brightfutureahead]

Hi and welcome...and thank you!

Great advice from above. I just wanted to reiterate a few things...if you ditch those things and dig your heels in deep, you will reap the benefits of a clean, healthy life, which is nothing short of amazing! Your concerns about depression after coming off pills are legitimate, especially considering your recent history. Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to your dr about options for you as you come off percs ie. antidepressants, counciling, etc (not that I'm promoting replacing one pill for another...you know what I mean...if need be!)  

Check out the Tomas recipe on the bottom right hand corner of this page. These ingredients definitely aren't a cure-all...but they can help a ton...and I'm sure you've figured out by now that any sort of comfort during this time is a very welcomed thing. Imodium really helps, bathroom issues and just all around. It's so nice you have a supportive wife. Cut all ties and be done. Sounds cliche, but one day at a time. Your worst day sober will soon be better than any day using. You'll see. You can do it.

[weaver71]

I'm with Debbie, ditch your stash and ride this out. I know how hard it is to fess up to your wife. I wasn't as smart as you, I didn't reach out for until I was 41. Imagine another 10 years of that life. The next hard confession is your doctors and sources. It is humiliating. Those feelings are part of the healing. I've seen some bad stuff and my childhood was pretty rough, I really relate to what you are going through. Let yourself feel it all, but focus on being the person you want to be. Recovery is a life of self discovery, it hurts sometimes, but the rewards are priceless. The growing respect my wife has for me, my kids have their hero back, I actually like who I am. You will be an even better husband, father, and man than you ever have been. The humility and efforts of recovery make me work harder to be my best than I think I would have, if I had never been an addict. It will get better. Time will heal all things. Trust me on this one, there will never be an easier or better time than right now. You can do this.

[atthebeach]

you are welcome. well you have had more pain and emotional scars than you first revealed.
you can be free of the chains and bondage of addiction. you can be healed and restored from your past.
we can always find an excuse to justify. taking back your life will empower you.
treat your symptoms, stay hydrated, take showers, move around as much as possible.
what type of surgery did you have?
do you have physical therapy set up?

[Calidummy]

Debbie, thank you sooo much for that! But regardless I definately do feel like a dummy or getting MYSELF in this predicament! I knew what I was doing, but always found a way to "justify" my using! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH tho!!! I'm laying on my couch, and I can't take my mind off those Meds! It's awful, the only thing I see as help, is k owing there will be an end to this agony! I lost my mom when I was 13, grew up in foster home after foster home, then to juvenile detention centers. I was in the "system" until the minute I got on the plane to come to Cali, for USMC bootcamp! That wasn't easy either! Seems like my life has been nothing but pain and suffering!!! Now that I'm home and out of the service, it's ME creating the pain and suffering! What's the definition of insanity??? I'm doing the same thing over and over expecting different results! I know that something's gotta give, and unlike detention centers, foster homes, and military service, this pain and agony has NO expiration date... Unless I give it one! And that was last night! Pray for me and I'll keep everyone in my prayers! I just wish I could feel energy through this BS, and stop sweating! Good grief what did I do to myself? I work in healthcare now, and have seen so many stereotypical "addicts" come in, and I honestly convinced myself that I'm nothing like them, because I can hold down a job, be a father, be a husband, an take care of business! But somewhere along the line, I've forgotten totally to take are of myself too! I deserve a happy life from now on! Your absolutely right! Maybe I'm not such a dummy! Peace and love, Cpl. Johnson USMC

[atthebeach]

hey you are no cali dummy. you are a brave man. thank you for your service to our country, because of honorable men like you we can walk these shores of freedom.
I respect you for your courage and for being honest with your wife.
the truth has set you free.
since you haven't taken a pill since last night a 9pm don't take another.
just let the chips fall as they may.
flush the rest of the pills so you aren't tempted.
do you receive any counseling for your pstd? If not I would definitely look into that. you deserve to be happy and free from your emotional scars and wounds.
the emotions are normal when stopping opiates. it is ok to cry, grief and sorrow are normal emotions. let it go, don't hold your sorrow and grief inside anymore. you have been through a lot and need the release.
talk to a psychiatrist about getting on some anti depressants for awhile.
stay close to the forum there is always someone here to support and encourage you.
GOD bless you and your family,
keep the faith...
there is hope and healing,
Debbie

[tokenkarma]

Hi - As you, I just joined this forum last night. And, as you, I had read many
motivating, empathic and enlightening posts. How great to get another
very strong message from a 'newbie' as myself.

My last post was asking about weaning off rather that going cold turkey.
Your comment about having to experience ALL THE PAIN (agony, really)
is needed to 'remember' the destruction done by these innocent pills,
especially when about to relapse. Like you, I am SCARED. I went through
5 days of hell 2 years ago and gave into another prescription from my
doctor. Couldn't do it.

But you asked for tips. One thing I can say is that, when I joined the forum,
I was ready to take the usual 2 pills (I chomp at the bit for 4 hours). As I
read and posted, I completely forgot about my 'schedule' for another 2 hours and was so inspired that when the anxiety, aches and one-track
thinking started, I had the strength to last another THREE hours before
taking just ONE. I hadn't gone without 2 every 4-6 hours in over 2 years.
It's been 20 hours since I first logged on and I have taken only one every
5 hours. That's 4 as opposed to the usual 10-12.

I never liked the 'group therapy', 12-step, or even counseling advised by
the professionals. But this 'community', if you will definitely give me the
incentive and strength to start a 'clean' life, again (after 20+ years of
using. Please keep coming back; you are very inspirational yourself and
it seems most in these posts are of like minds--more than just fellow
addicts/abusers. Hope to read from you and find that you fought and
won THIS battle.  Your new friend, Christine
apart.
gone that long without in over 2 years!!!  And to now, I have taken
two hours and didn't

[Calidummy]

Thanks Weaver!!! Telling my wife the truth was DIFFICULT to say the least! I knew I was going to disappoint her, but she is the love of my life and I know I can trust her! Hey buddy, I've got a question... Should I go cold turkey? Or that taper off method? I feel like NO MATTER what, I'm gonna have the W/D symptoms at some point! Right...? I just want to be the old husband and father I was before this satanic drug consumed me entirely! I took a half (5mg) last night before bed, at 9pm but haven't touched any since then! I know that doesn't seem like much... But I keep telling myself something my Lt. Told me before we invaded Iraq, "the greatest journey ALWAYS starts with the first step!" and he was killed my 2nd tour, so what he has told me has ALWAYS stuck with me! I feel like I've let everyone down, and I'm SOOO ashamed of myself, plus since I've come clean to my wifey, I've NEVER been so close to crying for no apparent reason! Just really emotional these last couple days and that is NOT something a Marine like myself is used to! I've only cried like twice in my last 29 years of living! It's not that easy anymore I guess to just block out my REAL feeling without the help of my old buddies (my Percs!) but this is good, right? I feel like I'm falling apart, but I tell myself "you deserve it, you POS addict!" am I being unreal? Or am I normal...? I'd appreciate any input from you! P.S I sent you a friend request, up to you to accept it tho! Thanks a lot Weaver!!!

[weaver71]

You told your wife, that is so great. Get some protein shakes, like muscle milk, Ensure, etc.. Emergen- C, electrolyte powder, has B vitamins and lots of nutrients your brain will be needing to recover. It helped me stay hydrated. Water tasted bad to me, and our city is fed by spring water. Hug your family a lot, and know you are doing the best thing you could be doing, hands down. Welcome to our community, glad you found us. For now, just hang in there. Try not to think about how you feel or anticipate anything. Stay in the moment  and distracted. Look forward to knowing you. Keep posting and reading older posts. You are on your way my friend.