Aa
just sitting here holding out til my next dose of tramadol
well I don't really have a question...it just helps me to write...lol. I took my last 3.5 trams this morning at 9 am. before that I hadn't had any in 17.5 hrs which was an accident cuz I had a few glasses of wine and went to sleep and woke up with withdrawals....ugh the restless legs and skin crawling is the worst. anyway i'm startin to feel the withdrawals again cuz its been like 12 hrs now. just laying here watching "don't be tardy" on bravo..lol. so i'm just gonna wait as long as I can standit I guess. what a long process this is.idont know if I need to start feeling uncomfortable before I take them but i'm thinkin it helps me go longer after a few days. I don't know.
I've read the entire post and please understand we are not picking on you at all.....we are giving you some tough love because we know what it's like to try to taper and fail......99.9% of us tried to work a taper and instead the taper worked us....
Whenever your coming off Any opiate and tramedol is one of them in the way it works, emotions ride high.....detoxing or tapering makes a person think weird.
And we want what you want. Even of it doesn't seem this way. When I first joined everyone kicked my butt on here cause everyone could see what I couldn't see at the time.
I think your being very very open and as honest as you can with much sensarity. And that's not seen a lot.
Is it possible for you to go to a meeting while detoxing that way you can build a support group while your tapering?
Whenever your coming off Any opiate and tramedol is one of them in the way it works, emotions ride high.....detoxing or tapering makes a person think weird.
And we want what you want. Even of it doesn't seem this way. When I first joined everyone kicked my butt on here cause everyone could see what I couldn't see at the time.
I think your being very very open and as honest as you can with much sensarity. And that's not seen a lot.
Is it possible for you to go to a meeting while detoxing that way you can build a support group while your tapering?
I know you do. Keep on this site. Stop however you can stop & listen to these wonderful people so willing to help us. I'm on day 3 clean after 7 years of every Rx out there. We're doing it together.
II have to chime in. I tried every Rx drug & a few that aren't legal. My experience is stop it all, especially the alcohol. After nursing 33 years I've seen more accidental deaths from pills & alcohol than anything else. Also it's all bad for you. I've made a decision to stop everything & be clean & healthy. I have done everything wrong many times & I'm just giving you my experience. I tapered first but deliberately & quickly. I'm going to feel lousy anyway, so quicker off, quicker to it being over. I'm looking forward to not feeling the way I feel right now & I'm blessed to know, because of everyone hear willingness to share experience, strength & hope. Get up, get out, go to a meeting.
Praying for you!!!
Praying for you!!!
Hi Hun. Yes what you are saying makes perfect sense. The veil is lifting.
You are coming to terms and admitting you have a problem.
That is wonderful.
Support groups, Therapist will give you the tools, help you to understand,
What your triggers are, your thought processes, help you get to why you want to use, teach you to live life on its terms.
I am so happy for you that you had a revelation.
That is a good thing.
You are coming to terms and admitting you have a problem.
That is wonderful.
Support groups, Therapist will give you the tools, help you to understand,
What your triggers are, your thought processes, help you get to why you want to use, teach you to live life on its terms.
I am so happy for you that you had a revelation.
That is a good thing.
I will definitely try the spreading it out thing. Regarding the trams... I don't "feel" any reward from taking them...that's why I didn't understand what anyone meant. I haven't felt anything from taking them since 2008. that isn't to say that u guys aren't right tho. I understand now what everyone is saying about the difference between not taking drugs and living an actual lifestyle of recovery. I tried to tell myself that I was different....that I didn't need to be "one of those ppl" who NEED a PROGRAM for the rest of their life. But I understand that when u take an opiate and become addicted...it changes ur brain forever. I always told my kids that the key to not being a druggie is to NEVER TOUCH A DRUG even for the first time...then ur brain will never know what its missing. I realized for the first time last night that this addiction will stop at nothing...until i'm dead. It whispers lies to me about the percs and the wine. It says that its no big deal if I only do it 1 week a month or whatever. It says I have back pain so just do it, it says I have a teleranvce so I wont die, it says my liver is probably fine, it says I should just do it one more time. it says a lot of things. But I literally somehow changed the way I think about it last night. It just dawned on me suddenly that this addiction wants me to do the percs/booze even if it kills me. It doesn't care...its not looking out for my best interest...its like a hit man. I feel like my brain is trying to kill my body. So how do u fight ur brain??? that's what I don't know how to do. I don't know how to separate what I want to do from what my addiction wants me to do. Last night I realized its like an enemy that wants to destroy me and everything in my life. I would NEVER want to hurt myself and my family, I would NEVER want to die and break my kids heart to pieces. I would NEVER want to miss out on my kids growing up and having grandkids and enjoying every beautiful thing that like has to offer...but my addiction doesn't gice a **** about those things. It just wants to get that high feeling again. It will stop at nothing. I realized that last night. I realized me and my addiction are to different entities and I realized that I have no frickin clue how in the hell to manage it. I just figured one day I would smarten up and start giving a ****. I was waiting for the big moment when I would be "strong" enuf. When I would "hit bottom." but my bottom is death.I KNOW that now. I don't have a bottom. And death will be too late. Even if I don't OD...I cant pretend that years of taking percs and booze every night isn't affecting my liver. I have a very bizarre routine that I do with the pills/booze. Its a ritual...and its gonna get me in trouble somehow one of these days...whether its me going to jail for drunk driving, me getting caught "borrowing other ppls pills then paying them back with mine, me misleading my doctor if he gives me a blood test and finds out I either have too little percs in my system or too many, or whether its that I OD or die later from liver disease...it is gonna end badly. There are no gorgeous, healthy happy elderly drug addicts that are still doing their doc. It doesn't happen. u either quit or u die. they r the options. I just don't know how to do anything about it. I thought white knuckling, which I have done in the past...was being sober. I didn't wanna be "one of those ppl" who needs a program. But now things are starting to make me understand. Its like a veil is slowly lifting. Its like I had blinders on and now I see a little bit and i'm straining my eyes to see more thru the fog.I cant see clearly yet but at least I can see something. I don't know if I am even making any sense. Its all because of this sight that I am seeing a tiny bit. Its because of ppl like u guys who called me out about it. I just have literally no clue what I'm doing. I know a lot about meds and addiction...but I have NO CLUE about how to recover or what recovery even is. NO CLUE. That's why I'm here. Cuz I need u guys' help.
Honey, Vicky is being tough on you because she cares. She cares about you, and she cares about her own recovery as well. Hopefully, the reason we come here is to help others to get clean because that's how the program AA/NA works.
I started with alcohol, drinking with my alcoholic/pill addict mom. She died from liver disease because of it when I was only 31, with 2 tiny grandchildren she could have enjoyed. In the 1940's, Mom was put into a sanitarium (that's where they went!) for drinking. The treatment was to give the patient Miltown pills. They are not available anymore, but it's a benzo. She then became addicted to those. Long story but some of what you say sounds like I'm hearing my Mom. I was her biggest baby @ 5lbs. Because my dad was dying from cancer and the nurses got her to eat more, but she would brag that while she was pregnant with me she "ONLY took 11 Miltowns a day."
When her supplier sold his pharmacy, she doctor shopped, but no such luck, they told her she was an addict, they ordered anti-depressants that are also for anxiety, but they didn't get her "high". She went back to her original drug of choice, alcohol. Both of which are drugs, both depressants. Substitution of one drug for another is actually not making progress at all, and the likely outcome is you'll end up doing them both, or abusing one...we in the program call it "white knuckling" or, even if you do succeed in stopping everything, without aftercare, a program, treatment, you'll be what we call "dry" not "sober". There is very little hope of maintaining staying clean under these circumstances.
I applaud your effort, but thinking about the drug, every minute, waiting for that dose (even if it's less then before) is what we call "romanticism" for the drug. By depriving yourself, then rewarding yourself, whether you want to believe me or not, is really pulling you deeper and deeper into your addiction. I'm so sorry sweetheart, I can see you've been trying. I've been reading your posts and others advice, but today I could hold back no longer.
You need in-patient treatment, with medical personnel and a program to work when you are successfully clean and sober, but it has to start with you, and the first step. You are powerless over your addiction and you can't control it! The truth hurts because you can't imagine life without some type of mood altering drug. I'm glad you're here, but we have 1 mouth and 2 ears for a reason. Sometimes it's much more important for you to listen then talk. All my best; I'll be thinking about you! ❤️Kathy
I started with alcohol, drinking with my alcoholic/pill addict mom. She died from liver disease because of it when I was only 31, with 2 tiny grandchildren she could have enjoyed. In the 1940's, Mom was put into a sanitarium (that's where they went!) for drinking. The treatment was to give the patient Miltown pills. They are not available anymore, but it's a benzo. She then became addicted to those. Long story but some of what you say sounds like I'm hearing my Mom. I was her biggest baby @ 5lbs. Because my dad was dying from cancer and the nurses got her to eat more, but she would brag that while she was pregnant with me she "ONLY took 11 Miltowns a day."
When her supplier sold his pharmacy, she doctor shopped, but no such luck, they told her she was an addict, they ordered anti-depressants that are also for anxiety, but they didn't get her "high". She went back to her original drug of choice, alcohol. Both of which are drugs, both depressants. Substitution of one drug for another is actually not making progress at all, and the likely outcome is you'll end up doing them both, or abusing one...we in the program call it "white knuckling" or, even if you do succeed in stopping everything, without aftercare, a program, treatment, you'll be what we call "dry" not "sober". There is very little hope of maintaining staying clean under these circumstances.
I applaud your effort, but thinking about the drug, every minute, waiting for that dose (even if it's less then before) is what we call "romanticism" for the drug. By depriving yourself, then rewarding yourself, whether you want to believe me or not, is really pulling you deeper and deeper into your addiction. I'm so sorry sweetheart, I can see you've been trying. I've been reading your posts and others advice, but today I could hold back no longer.
You need in-patient treatment, with medical personnel and a program to work when you are successfully clean and sober, but it has to start with you, and the first step. You are powerless over your addiction and you can't control it! The truth hurts because you can't imagine life without some type of mood altering drug. I'm glad you're here, but we have 1 mouth and 2 ears for a reason. Sometimes it's much more important for you to listen then talk. All my best; I'll be thinking about you! ❤️Kathy
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