Relasped

[Amber9999]

Well I ****** up yesterday!  There wasn't anything wrong.  No bad anxiety or depression.  I just got it in my head that I could handle just a couple and went and got 20 Tramadol.  My husband could tell because I was running around and couldn't sit down.  For the last two weeks I have been lazy as hell.  So he knew.  He asked me where they were and I couldn't lie!  I knew he knew.  I got them and he flushed them.  He told me that he was sick of my **** and he was over it!!!  He has never talk to me like that and I could tell he meant it.  I called my sponsor and went to a meeting.  When I got back he had cooled down but he told me he meant every word he said.  He is scared I am going to kill myself and won't sit back watch it.  He said he will divorce me first.  THAT scared me!!!  This is NO different then when I was coming off of Percocet.  I didn't think the Tramadol would be so hard but it seems harder.  I miss all the energy I had.  I know eventually it will come back.  It did after I stayed clean before.  I just need to try as hard as I did two years ago.  I don't want anyone on here to feel sorry for me.  It will only make things worse.

[Amber9999]

IIt just takes time and I keep telling myself that!  I worked on my 1st step last night and I did some good work.  I realized things I didn't two years ago.  I am really ****** up :-)  I'm doing good this morning.  The pity is gone.  Thank God!  My husband never said he was sorry like he always did before.  I was shocked.  He's not going to enable me anymore.  I know he will keep a eye on me now.  Thanks for the feedback.  Have a good day!

[OpenMind24hours]

This reminds me of what happened during my last disaster. Our addiction is unbelievably cunning. Around 3 years ago detoxed for the 2nd time, had 9 months clean and felt great. I went to a regular Doctor's appt., and without warning or premeditation my addiction had me telling him about my pain and how the PT wasn't working for me. All BS. Hadn't even planned it!! Next thing I was at CVS filling a script that launched yet another 21 months of misery. That's when my alcohol addiction also came back, after 28 years without a drink. It always gets worse, never better. The best I could figure, I wasn't really working a serious program of recovery. I had cut down to 1 meeting a week - or less. This time I go to 5 a week, but thats what I need for me. I got it real bad I guess. I don't think I have another recovery left in me.

Our addiction needs to be treated on a daily basis. We go about living our life, we feel free and clean. But if we're not receiving proper treatment for our disease, we will absolutely end up in the same old squirrel cage again.

I guess this is just a long, drawn out way of saying what Sarah said above: Aftercare! A serious program of recovery. And my experience being clean comes from being with people with the same disease, face to face. Nothing else worked for me. And when I took it away, my addiction rejoiced, and I went back out.

[selfinduced]

Oh Amber, I just saw this. I am soooo sorry. Think of this as a reinforcement why you CAN'T use. If your like most of us, u'll continue to swich one substance for another and it can be such a long and frustrating process. Your husband loves you and can't bear to see you destroy yourself further. Com'on girl. Only you can make the decision to stay clean. I know you want it.

[ang_811]

Until i could accept i was an addict and that i was powerless i could not surrender. Surrender to win.

plz dont let ur bottom b death. Let us get a chance to know u.

[TheLightSeeker]

Amber you're not crazy. You are just addiction-prone.

Three things to do along with your "steps"

1. Take alpha lipoic acid (ALA) to rid your brain from any traces of beryllium.
Beryllium in the brain ( from fumes, petroleum products, solvents, cleaners, dry cleaning chemicals including from dry cleaned clothes,paints)
sits in the addiction center of the brain, inviting more..addiction.

2. Get tested for low Dopamine D2 receptors. The extended use or rather abuse of drugs may lower the  already possibly low levels of your D2.
I call it a double whammy.
You need a  positron emission tomography  (PET) to verify it.

3. This is not related to the biology of addiction, but the psychology of addiction.
Consider Spiritual Psychotherapy, to help you Deal with the underlying psychological causes of addiction and Heal your broken Soul!!!

Please let me know if you need details or message me.

Note: This is not intended as a substitute for medical advice.

Love & Light
Niko

[ROSYouralright]

My doctors told me the EXACT same thing about tramadol. That it wasn't addicting in any way! Imagine my surprise when I came here and read the horror stories.. I had a full bottle of tramadol the first day I came to this site and after speaking to four jays I never even took one... I was shocked to learn the are addicting after my doctor assured me they are not. After getting off opiates I didn't want to take the chance. If your Dr persists in saying they are non addictive refer him to this site and the MANY people who were indeed addicted to tramadol. Hang in there and stay strong Amber. Don't give in

[Amber9999]

Thanks man.  Everyone of my doctors know I'm an addict but now I have to tell them I am addicted to a med that THEY say is not addicting.  They will probably look at me like I'm crazy.  I did call two but not my family doctor.  I need to make an appointment with him.  He knows my psych. history so I'm sure he will understand.  I called the pharmacies in the area and told them to put it in my profiles.  You know what *****????  I want one RIGHT NOW!!!!  I hate that I have to do this **** again!   I need to start on Step 1 so I'm gonna end it here.  Thanks again

[glamisgirl]

I believe your husband said that to you out of fear, fear of losing you to this addiction. My husband said the same exact thing to me when he approached me about my addiction. But he is now my biggest support, it all came from love and fear of losing me and he just didn't know what else to do or say.
You can do this. You did it before and you can do it again. Cut those sources. You learned your lesson on that one, time to change that mistake so that it's not repeated. Sending lots of encouragement your way !!!

[Xcalibure]

I totally agree, cut off the source, all your dr's, dentists, surgeon, friends, pharmacy, etc.  You need to call them all and stop the supply.  

[Xcalibure]

Sounds like you handled it the right way, flushing of the pills and getting to a meeting.  I told someone else before who relapsed, just because you failed doesn't make you a failure.  Now you know a trigger and can try to avoid that.  You can do this, you just have to stay focused on the future, remember 2 years ago and how good it was to be sober.

[dominosarah]

Until you cut all ties with whoever is supplying you this will continue.  You need to be as serious about this as your husband is.  There is no happy ending to this addiction, death is what awaits us.  Have you thought about aftercare?  

[HappyDays2Come]

I know you feel disappointed in yourself and that's okay. Let that disappointment motivate you to commit to your sobriety. Don't do it out of fear of losing your husband, do it because you want a great and healthy life. Take this as a lesson on the importance of cutting your sources. Delete the numbers and do whatever else you need to do to ensure you have zero access. You can get through this and come out better on the other side. We're cheering for you...keep us posted!

[Wildewoman]

I am so sorry.

You are lucky though - more than you  know!! You have a husband who is supporting you. Many do not.

You did the right thing. Show him you can do this!!

Good luck!!

[ROSYouralright]

Oh sweetie I am SO VERY SORRY to hear this! Don't beat yourself up over it! Dust yourself off, get up, and GO ON! I AM HERE if you need to talk! How long have you been out of rehab? You haven't cut your sources? You KNOW you MUST do that! Also 1 is to many and 100 isn't enough! You KNOW that voice is such a liar!!! You have to ignore it! Get up and get busy, call a friend, talk to your hubby, or even sign on here when that voice starts lying to you! I only wish you the best and I KNOW that you can do this...

[Bubbleguppie100]

Hey girl, keep your head up. You 'll be okay. We are addicts. It's an illness that we have. You need to get up " dust your shoulders off" and keep moving. I'm only on day 2 and I've already relapsed. Thank about that one! Haha! On the first day 2, I woke up, had really bad back pain and took a stupid Norco. I was so pissed and ashamed of myself. But, I picked myself up off of the floor and told myself that I'll be fine. Went back to day one, and I learned a lesson. It is what it is. Does ur hubby know that addiction is an illness?

[spider6]

Hey there Amber,
Well I don't want to feel sorry for you but I did want to say that your story sounds so much luck mine.....especially where the husband is concerned.
You've done it before and you'll do it again,  Pick yourself up and move forward.  You have a lot of support here.  I'm rootin for ya!!!
peace and hope, Spider