Coming Clean

[Enough22]

Man, I’m so done with this vicious cycle, but I don’t know where to start.  I’ve been reading this forum for about a month, trying to get a grip – you all are incredible.  I read what some of you are going through and I feel like a fraud.  As I wrote, I’ve read the forum since mid-July, and I’m just now getting the guts to come clean.  I’ve been pill-less since Monday (2 days), and am now starting my all-too-familiar slide into withdrawal.  I’m hoping I’ll read someone’s words and find that one inspiring sentiment that will finally get me out of this ****, although I know that’s up to me – not you.  I started on Vikes in 1999 when I was diagnosed with MS, and I haven’t looked back since.  At my worst (about 5 years ago), I was taking @600 Vicoprofen per month, along with 120 OC 20’s, and handful’s of Xanax 2mg bars.  I’ve been down to @280 Vicoprofen per month; no OC’s, a little Valium.  Yes, I’ve been to hell and back – CT with a seizure at one point – and I was probably about a pill away from an OD at another point, down on my hands and knees on my bedroom floor.  Who saved me from that?  Not real proud of some of the ways I’ve gotten my hands on my pills, either.  As of tonight at around 6pm, I’ve over-drawn my bank account again (too many times to even think about counting) to pay for pills which I’m supposed to get tomorrow morning.  A Fraud.  Every time I refill, I think it’s the answer to any and all of the anxiety I feel about my MS, my unemployment, my empty bank, my loneliness.   I pray, I ask for help – I‘ve even found myself believing I’m on my way out when I’ve run out, withdrawn, and felt better.  Even got myself riding @20 miles a day on my mountain bike back in 2006.  Then it starts over again, and I’m back into my escape.

I won’t even think of asking any of you hero’s if you have words of support or if you’ve ever felt like I do at this point.  I’ve read your struggles; I’ve read your triumphs.  I just needed to write it down somewhere, because I’m tired of carrying it.  Again, you’re all pretty special.  Someday I’ll pull myself out of this.  I just hope it’s soon …. Thanks for reading ….  

[worried878]

like cathy said///aftercare...aftercare...aftercare.......dont forget

[cathy5841]

WELCOME TO THE FORUM....recovery is a journey..a long hard journey, but doable.  you are not alone in your journey...you have taken the first step on your journey.  you need a plan or path for journey....if you fail to journey down the path of recovery...the road you are on leads to no where....even death for some.  we are all on the journey....different stages and different paths...headed to the same place...life without our drugs...life period.  keep posting and let us know your plan..we will help you.  i can suggest getting involved in a recover group such as na or aa....you the support and accountability.  let us know.

[worried878]

lots are struggling...to quit...stay quit/clean or to maintain with a maintenance drug to keep them afloat and functioning in everyday life without being arrested or overdosing//to keep  from hurting other people in the process...wherever u r at...this is all positive and such a better place to be than where we were..which was absolutely nowhere....just so good to rest and stop stuggling ... so tired of being tired...peace with where we are at....it is not wonderful that we have ended up with an addiction problem...but happy to have dealt with it in a healthy way...and it can make u stronger in the scheme of things

[Enough22]

Thank you for your candor, Christos, and the encouragement from you all .. I'm learning that understanding there are others who have struggled in their own ways (and also that there are so many that offer support) is such a huge part of this process .... I'll surely keep reading and posting .... many thanks ....

[Marebears]

I POSTED A POEM CALLED "WHAT IS RECOVERY" ON THE ADDICTION FORUM, IT MAY HELP WITH WHAT U HAVE 2 LOOK FORWARD 2 DURING YOUR RECOVERY!!! THINGS U WILL NEED 2 FIX IN YOUR LIFE.  i KNOW WHAT YOU R GOING THRU! U KNOW THERE IS MANY PEOPLE HERE THAT WILL HELP U. THEY R HELPING ME!!!! I AM HERE IF U WANNA TALK OK? :)

[dominosarah]

Am  glad you posted.  We are here for you.      sara

[christos24]

nice start coming clean and joining the forum..its a great startaas stated above i know this forum has helped me a lot with my addiction and staying clean. i was heavily addicted to heroin and oxycontin for over two years. I always snorted them and i was up to two 80 mg oxys a day or a graem of really pure brown rock heroin to stop the withdrawals from kicking my ***. after spending over $14,000 of my ex's savings which was all of it in less tahn four months i decided after many failed attempts at going alone to get help. i went through a three day hell detox, takijg clonidine, lorazepam, tigan(anti-nausea), immodium, ambien, and thena fter three days suboxone starting at 4mgs and then after a month moving up to 32 mgs a day. I think sub is a good treatment option for mild addictions to opiates like vicodins or perococets or light addictions to H or oxys, but for heavier addictions i think it is harder to work because of the ceiling effect it ahs. the higher you go in dosage the more antagonists effects come out, which actually cause bad withdrawals. i was able to stay clean for over 8 months with help in counseling, group meetings and NA  meetings, but after fracturing and separating my wrist falling I fell abck into my addictive ways. its funny to think about now but in the beginning of June my addiction doctor took me off of sub and put me on 240 mgs of ms contin a day. i dont know aht i was thinking agreeing to it, but the pain was pretty bad(mostly in my head) so i went with it and fell right in. on top of that i was getting norcos from my hand specialist as well, along with other pills I could find while at work. I was also prescribed at the beginning 4mgs of clonazepam a day and 4 mgs of lorazepam at night for my xanax and sleeping pill addiction. I am now successfully at 1.5 mgs of clonazepam a day and 2 mgs of lorazepam when needed and lowering each month, which I am proud of. I cant stress how important meetings and counseling will hlep you stay celan, it really helps to talk or vent about youre problems and cravings. After falling abck into addiction I decided i needed a change and got off sub and started going to a methadone clinic. I am now at 55 mgs of methadonea  day and feel more productive, motivated than on sub. i also feel like i have structure and stability in my life. i love it. i cant tell you good life is without the daily hussle of obtaining youre drugs, go to treatment and get help, its life or death honestly. you def. can do it, i thought i was hopeless and didnt care to live and im only 22, but now i am happier than I have ever beenin my life and it keeps getting better and better. one note on treatment plans, whether youre on sub or methadone they are opiates as well and need to be slwoly tapered and carefully monitered, if not the withdrawals can be even worse than getting of youre original DOC. also tapering with youre DOC or other pills rarely work, you eventually fall back into the vicious cycle, best of lucka nd stay on the forum, were glad to have you and if you ever have any questionsabout withdrawal, treatment, meetings, anything at all, im always on..-christos

[worried878]

posting means u r getting close......it is something we work out in our minds for a while before we throw in the towel and admit life could not be any worse without these jokers..it would have to be better...the depression they cause at the end is the reason i quit...just no fun anymore...no escape anymore...just a prison..keep posting