Being a Failure

[shauna268]

Thank you for those who have been following my journey, and my struggles while I attempt to taper of Oxycontin. Today I made a phone call to my dope dealer…and words of support and guidance made me take my dog for a walk, oppose to picking up my 3 80’s which I put on order. This week has been a struggle for me, but today more so then ever. My family is starting to feel the effects from ‘policing’ me, and words I don’t necessarily believe they mean to say, are being said. I feel like I have put them at such an inconvenience, and they can’t understand why I can not just stop…NOW.  They tell me to take it day by day…then remind me how everyone else has moved on with their lives…I am nothing more then a drug addict with no career at almost 26. Everyday I am reminded at how much of an embarrassment I am to them. I am trying….trying so hard to fix everything.

[laurel453]

Hey Shauna..... you are really taking all the right steps , well done!! keep walking and you will even like your new life ;)

[jstntime]

Yaaaay Shauna,

You've just increased your chances.  I hope you fill us in on how it goes.  You're lucky to have family that will help you and guide you so readily.  That little extra push sometimes makes all the difference.

Goodluck!!!!

bob

[freenclean]

HEY GIRL your not a failure this is the hardest dam thing your ever ever ever gonna have to do in your life dont give up and dont give in plain and simple Free....

[PromisedLand]

May God Bless you and best of luck...a couple weeks in rehab did wonders for my niece (a little younger than you) and will help you tremendously...


Jim

[IBKleen]

I am so happy to hear you are going into treatment. It is an inspiration for all of us.

Keep your ears and your mind open and take it all in. I will keep you in my prayers.

Let us know how you are doing.

[shauna268]

Well...WOW was Week four of my taper a challenge. I was however; delighted by some old University girlfriends who treated me to some good clean fun, lots of laughter, and genuine smiles...I could have cried I was so happy. It's like every day you wake up and do one more pill, you lose a little more of yourself.

I am hoping that Week Five I will take on with more positivity. I am finding nighttime to be my hardest challenge, no only from the Oxy withdrawals, but missing that companionship of someone else being in bed with me. Perhaps a sense of security?

Today I start of with my Withdrawal MGT Support Team, and then my Doctor for my Week Five tapering program.

Today I decided…I would like to do my assessment tool package  and I AM going to treatment after detox!!

I am very lucky that my brother in-law has taken a front seat in my recovery, and his uncle...a famous hockey player is passionate about recovery and runs annual golf tournaments for Homewood in Guelph. He has bi-passed the waiting list for me…and there is only 12 beds that health Canada will cover at this location…and I have one waiting for me!! I consider myself to be lucky for this opportunity, and know that when I leave...that day will truly mark a new beginning to my life.

[jstntime]

Hey Shauna,

I remember well how overwhelming everything seems during detox.  Don't fault your family, they could never understand.  You did a great job in not picking up "your order" yesterday.

I see you are in Toronto, you could go to rehab where they will really help you and understand you.  There would be no cost to you as OHIP covers it.  Keep that option open if you feel like you are losing the battle.

Everyone here understands what you are going through.  Hang in there, you are worth it.

bob

[Florida_Guy737]

Hi,

At 26 you're a young woman who has many possibilities.  I have always been in school in one form or another, degrees or certs that are required for my industry, and I'm 48. You'd be surprised how many people attend school at all ages.  Think about what you really want to do and try to form a plan...

That plan will guide you towards your goals...

Guy

[avisg]

yes you are far more then an addict and yes try to stay on one thread that way we know your whole story so we can help you the best .Alot of people do have life figured out at 26 it took me until about 30 to start on the right path to get there I was about 36 .It does happen you learn about yourself especially when you get off the drugs I have learned more about myself since 2007 then I did in a lifetime before that .hang in t here.

[dominosarah]

You are way more than just a drug addict.  You are a good person who deserves all the best that life has to offer.  I am sorry your family doesnt understand addiction.  That has to be hard.  They will see you are making changes in your life and with addicts our actions speak louder than words.  Try and stay positive.  You took the dog for a walk today instead of using!!  That is great!!!  Keep talking with us.  You can do this!!!      sara

[PromisedLand]

Amen.....and you are NOT a failure, I'm sure you've heard that before..all of us have been through stopping..starting..stopping..."this is it...last time"  I'm telling myself that now as I approach the end of my taper.  I've promised my wife, myself, my therapist..that this will be it..but I am and always will be an addict.  I've finally admitted that to myself..and my wife and my therapist.

Jim

[GA Guy]

Part of what you're feeling is a natural chemical reaction to withdrawals. There's a great paper written by a friend of mine on the science of shame in early recovery...fascinating stuff. I truly think that aftercare benefits many people more than others. True happiness comes in recovery where you're free of the burdens of your addictive past. It comes from making accepting our faults amends and cleaning up the wreckage of the past. You can do this through a therapist, group counseling, or traditional 12 step programs. Remember, this takes time...so be easy on yourself. Take things one day at a time...they do get better..God bless...

[IBKleen]

I am so glad you didn't use today. You have come so far.

Listen, I mentioned it on your last post (link below). It is very hard to follow you when you make new posts on the same subject. As you can tell, this is a busy place and there are new people coming in all the time. It is easier to follow you and get to know you if you post in the same thread if you are talking about the same subject. That way you can read your responses and you can respond to them. Please hang in there and talk when you need to. You can do that here.

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/Taper--Urges-and-Cheating-EXS/show/1298910?personal_page_id=1634929#post_5943572