Aa
here we go again.
Well, I posted last week. I was on day 5 off of Percocet. I made it to day 8. Then wtf. I am so mad at myself. Yesterday I bought some Percocet and methadone. (Please no advice on methadone I know you can OD etc I was on it for years) I'm really pissed because the withdrawals were over but the depression and anxiety was too much. Well, I took all the Percocet in 1 day, cleaned the hell out of my house and was feeling great despite the guilt.. until my son hugged me and said "you're the best mommy in the world" and I had to leave the room so he wouldn't see my cry. (crying as a type because I felt like the biggest piece of **** in the world) I dont know what to do. I wish I could feel like a normal person off the meds. In the 8 days I was clean my house was a filthy, I didnt cook. I got mad if my kids asked me for so much as a sandwich.. then I get these pills in me, my house is spotless within hours, dinners cooked and were baking cookies. I HATE THIS. when you think of a "junkie" you think some lazy lowlife, nodding off. I am the opposite. I get happy, and productive, and more affectionate, and feel like a super mom. Sorry I'm totally rambling I am just so mad at myself. I AM going back off, I only have a couple pills left.. but now I have to start over, and I am dreading that deep depression coming back. Even worse, I feel so bad for my poor kids to have to see me go back and forth from "the best mommy in the world" to a total *** hole. Ugh.
Agreed, also I start and for 4 years as well. I'm on board to get this DEVIL pills and useless esp using it as how we abuse it. I use to hate it and I'm going to make my body hate it again taking ONE will make me sick again....One day at a time..
your not alone trust me...I said it many times on here and I did it again twice when people on here support me and check up on me. I know it's really really hard. I learn to cut sources and etc. I know either way you will and can get them any one can, Therefore it's really on us to be clean and get this thing or I call DEVIL PILL MONEY WASTE out of our life. I mean don't be so guilty and try again after these last pills since you already got them as well. I wish you the best and I'm going through it as well. I don't feel good but I just logged in and read your story.
i can agree with that, i found myself pointing finers at others and eventually i had the sam needle in my arm that i once said how can ppl do that....as i was snorting the sh+t thinking i was doin bettter ha how dumb was I
I agree with you...many fool themselves into thinking differently. That's great about the new perspective!
You know from a personal standpoint...I started off in the "gutter". I was putting a needle in my arm as a teenager and was called a "junkie" by people who snorted or smoked and thought they were better than me because they didnt shoot up. I hate the word "junkie" and get really offended by it when people use it. I was and am an ADDICT...not a junkie. I was called a junkie my whole life in a disrespectful manner by outsiders and refuse to call myself one to this day as I find it distasteful. I know that's my personal preferences though and I dont expect everyone to feel the same about it so when I read it I try to ignore it for the most part.
One reason I tell this story is because I wanted to touch on a point I was trying to make to the OP about people starting at one point and ending up at another. These same people who called muah a junkie because of how I used...well I ran into them in prison many years later. There addiction lead them to the same end game as mine did...neither was better than the next. addiction will either kill you or put you in the same prison with the n ext addict. Pill popper...IV drug addict...doesn't matter...prison does not discriminate.
You know from a personal standpoint...I started off in the "gutter". I was putting a needle in my arm as a teenager and was called a "junkie" by people who snorted or smoked and thought they were better than me because they didnt shoot up. I hate the word "junkie" and get really offended by it when people use it. I was and am an ADDICT...not a junkie. I was called a junkie my whole life in a disrespectful manner by outsiders and refuse to call myself one to this day as I find it distasteful. I know that's my personal preferences though and I dont expect everyone to feel the same about it so when I read it I try to ignore it for the most part.
One reason I tell this story is because I wanted to touch on a point I was trying to make to the OP about people starting at one point and ending up at another. These same people who called muah a junkie because of how I used...well I ran into them in prison many years later. There addiction lead them to the same end game as mine did...neither was better than the next. addiction will either kill you or put you in the same prison with the n ext addict. Pill popper...IV drug addict...doesn't matter...prison does not discriminate.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I think a lot of us fool ourselves into thinking that because we're, what I like to call "functioning junkies" that there's a difference, and unfortunately, I got a big dose of NOPE! No difference! Its hard to swallow sometimes, at least for me it was, but going to N/A has definitely given me a NEW PERSPECTIVE!
Congratulations on getting rid of your pills! Thats a huge step in the right direction!
Look...everybody is here to support you. Nobody is on this forum for any other reason than to help others or get to help. You may hear things that you dont like or agree with but just take what you need and leave the rest.
We can only speak and relate from our own experiences which may not apply to you. I found for myself that when I was being honest with myself and finally ready to really quit....I got rid of everything. That was how it was for me at least.
I wish you the best.
Look...everybody is here to support you. Nobody is on this forum for any other reason than to help others or get to help. You may hear things that you dont like or agree with but just take what you need and leave the rest.
We can only speak and relate from our own experiences which may not apply to you. I found for myself that when I was being honest with myself and finally ready to really quit....I got rid of everything. That was how it was for me at least.
I wish you the best.
Motye51 that EXACT thought has been my biggest motivation for getting clean. I will never forget the look on her child's face when we had to tell her she would never see her mother again. It is so hard to describe because the loss of my sister has been both positive and negative towards my own addiction. I finally understood her, and wanted to be there for her and support her rather than make her feel worse about herself, but it was too late. it caused me so much depression and guilt, that lead to even more drug use on my part. It makes no sense! Because I saw firsthand what can happen and the pain it caused all her loved ones, yet I continued using. At the same time, it made me want to stop so bad. I dont want to leave my kids without a mother, the closeness we have is indescribable.. I cant imagine the pain they would feel.. and because of me. It is crazy, because I imagine mine and my babies lives, drug free, happy, NORMAL, but doing it feels like its a million miles away. I know for a lot of people its the withdrawals that bring them to use again, but I feel like I can *kinda* handle that part.. its the depression after, the fog, and feeling like it'll never end and I'll never be that happy mom that I want to be. I want it so bad yet it feels so impossible. I am not giving up. On a positive note, after reading my bs reasons for not flushing my pills, I gave my husband my last ones, and couldn't even watch him flush him, hearing something so invaluable flush down the toilet shouldn't be so painful. So guess tomorrow is day 1, again. I pray the withdrawals aren't as bad as last time since I've only been back on for 2 days, I really REALLY hope I dont get them at all. we shall see:(
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hey...we ALL had troubles when starting this journey and yes, as addicts, quitting is hard. When I started this I had quite a few subs left in my purse that I turned over to my husband, once I explained to him and my kids what I was doing. I understood your reference to the word "junkie" b/c that's exactly what my husband thought, until I had to drag him to a mtg with me to see just how wrong he was! I was a junkie, but still worked, own business, sat out at football practice, did pta, blah, blah! Only difference between opiates and heroin???? How u take it....that's about it. If your ready, u need to get your spouse on board! Being that you've already lost your sister, do u want to be next? Have your kids come home from school to find you've od'd????
Just to clarify, I am not trying to make excuses. Kyle I agree 100 that they need to be flushed and I've been fighting with myself all morning about it.. Trying to figure out what else I need to finish before I start the Hell of withdrawal again, trying to decide if I should use them so im able to do a couple last fun things with my kids or pre cook some meals before I put them through MY Hell again, and this all sounds like another excuse and I realize that too lol.
Thank you so much for most of your positive and understanding comments I truly appreciate it! Coffee, yes! I definitely feel it adds to the anxiety but I have such low energy (and am a huge coffee lover!:) maybe I will try to switch to half caff:)
As far as not being serious about getting clean, I dont feel thats a fair comment. I am here, and being honest for the first time. I have tried to do this many times, and obviously if it wasn't so hard none of us would be here posting. I dont know many people with the will power to just flush their last 3 pills, if it was that easy then why would one need to cut ties with dealers etc? When I used the word junkie, which I agree is not a nice word, I was describing that I genuinely thought, like most people do, that it wouldn't happen to ME. And that it wasn't until now that I've learned nobody is immune.. I wasn't stating that I'm better than the next. I am not here to compare myself or to judge. I'm simply here expressing the confusion I am going through and my hardships along this awful road.
Again, thank you all. Its great to talk to other parents that have experienced this. When my sister was battling her drug addiction (which eventually killed her at 33 from an OD), I judged her to the fullest, I was so unfair to her. Same with my father. I thought, who do you love more your kids or drugs? If you love your kids, youd just stop. Period. I never knew how hard it was, and what a true disease it was. Then when it happened to me, and I REALIZED I was no different than my dad or sister or any other addict, and I did infact have a problem that was effecting my children, I cant explain the guilt I felt, for doing this to my family and honestly just the pure disgust I felt for myself.. the same guilt and disgust I'm feeling at this moment. But I know this is almost over. So yes, I fell off. I ****** up. But I'm not done with my battle. I AM serious about getting clean and I know this is a bump in this hard road we've all faced, or are currently facing.
As far as not being serious about getting clean, I dont feel thats a fair comment. I am here, and being honest for the first time. I have tried to do this many times, and obviously if it wasn't so hard none of us would be here posting. I dont know many people with the will power to just flush their last 3 pills, if it was that easy then why would one need to cut ties with dealers etc? When I used the word junkie, which I agree is not a nice word, I was describing that I genuinely thought, like most people do, that it wouldn't happen to ME. And that it wasn't until now that I've learned nobody is immune.. I wasn't stating that I'm better than the next. I am not here to compare myself or to judge. I'm simply here expressing the confusion I am going through and my hardships along this awful road.
Again, thank you all. Its great to talk to other parents that have experienced this. When my sister was battling her drug addiction (which eventually killed her at 33 from an OD), I judged her to the fullest, I was so unfair to her. Same with my father. I thought, who do you love more your kids or drugs? If you love your kids, youd just stop. Period. I never knew how hard it was, and what a true disease it was. Then when it happened to me, and I REALIZED I was no different than my dad or sister or any other addict, and I did infact have a problem that was effecting my children, I cant explain the guilt I felt, for doing this to my family and honestly just the pure disgust I felt for myself.. the same guilt and disgust I'm feeling at this moment. But I know this is almost over. So yes, I fell off. I ****** up. But I'm not done with my battle. I AM serious about getting clean and I know this is a bump in this hard road we've all faced, or are currently facing.
I am with everyone above who commented on your post. I was the same way as you, I felt I had to have my house spotless, laundry done and put away, toys picked up, dinner cooked, baking and happy! Well when I stopped using that did not happen. I was the total opposite and I had no patience with my little one. Today things are better ... It gets much better I promise you! Life is too short to be a slave to these damn pills .... Its the best feeling in the world to NOT have to worry about how many pills do I have left? Can I make my pills last to go to that function this weekend? How much money do I have left to buy pills if I run out? Where am I going to get more??? UGH!!!! I am SO HAPPY I don't have to live that way ANYMORE!
I can actually look my son in the face and really connect and love him much more then when I was using .... I was always there and with him but mentally I wasn't there with him like I am now and that makes me so happy! I promise you its a long tough road but well worth all the agony we have to deal with to get there.
Keep posting CUT your sources that is huge, If you don't cut all ties with your suppliers you will not stay clean.
Good Luck XO and its ok to cry .... You are actually feeling again and that just gets better and better!!!!
I can actually look my son in the face and really connect and love him much more then when I was using .... I was always there and with him but mentally I wasn't there with him like I am now and that makes me so happy! I promise you its a long tough road but well worth all the agony we have to deal with to get there.
Keep posting CUT your sources that is huge, If you don't cut all ties with your suppliers you will not stay clean.
Good Luck XO and its ok to cry .... You are actually feeling again and that just gets better and better!!!!
Like Kyle said...if you have pills in the house your probably going to relapse...especially while your going through withdrawals. You need to flush the rest. If you dont that means your not serious about getting clean...straight up. You need to do this for you.
"I HATE THIS. when you think of a "junkie" you think some lazy lowlife, nodding off. I am the opposite."
I cant say that I agree with you. When I think of a "junkie" (I really dont like that word) I think of anybody addicted to a substance. You know...that "lazy lowlife nodding off" somewhere that you mentioned....well, I bet she started off as a mother taking care of her kids and before she knew it...there she was as you described. Whether your a high functioning addict or not....addiction is addiction. Nobody is better than the next.
"I HATE THIS. when you think of a "junkie" you think some lazy lowlife, nodding off. I am the opposite."
I cant say that I agree with you. When I think of a "junkie" (I really dont like that word) I think of anybody addicted to a substance. You know...that "lazy lowlife nodding off" somewhere that you mentioned....well, I bet she started off as a mother taking care of her kids and before she knew it...there she was as you described. Whether your a high functioning addict or not....addiction is addiction. Nobody is better than the next.
COMMUNITY LEADER
OMG....you just told my story!!! You are so not alone in this! The above references you made re: cleaning your house, cooking dinner, being happy, is exactly why I started opiates in the first place. I felt like I was reading my own story.... Don't be too hard on yourself as what has happened is so normal. My house looked like a tornado went off in it for the first 60 days, and you know what, there's nothing wrong with having sandwichs for dinner! How old are your kids, is there any way you can just explain that mom is going to be down for a couple of days and is going to need some extra patience from them? You know what I mean...let them help you! Children love to be helpful!
Do NOT feel alone, you are in the same boat that many of us are in b/c we seem to think we have to be able to do it all; work, school, soccer practice, piano lessons, brownies from scratch, house spotless, yard done, etc....blah, blah, blah. Since I've gotten clean, I've really had to say Poo on some of those....so what if the house is dirty, who cares! As long as your kids are running around looking like ragamuffins, and there's fresh fruit for them to grab, everything doesn't have to be homemade!!!! lol, I say this with love b/c women like us seem to have something to prove. Like we are superwomen, little energizer bunnies; it's unrealistic!!!! We're not meant to be able to do everything! Take a deep breathe, and start again. One day at a time and just move forward. When the anxiety starts up, STOP, take a deep breathe and keep in your mind that it's going to pass, your not going to stay like that, and let it pass. I wonder about caffeine as well???? Are you trying to find extra energy in caffeine, b/c I found that made my anxiety WAY worse in the beginning, so maybe lay off the caffeine for awhile??? Keep posting, your doing fine. We're not perfect, we're totally human. We make mistakes, learn from them, get up and move forward again!
Do NOT feel alone, you are in the same boat that many of us are in b/c we seem to think we have to be able to do it all; work, school, soccer practice, piano lessons, brownies from scratch, house spotless, yard done, etc....blah, blah, blah. Since I've gotten clean, I've really had to say Poo on some of those....so what if the house is dirty, who cares! As long as your kids are running around looking like ragamuffins, and there's fresh fruit for them to grab, everything doesn't have to be homemade!!!! lol, I say this with love b/c women like us seem to have something to prove. Like we are superwomen, little energizer bunnies; it's unrealistic!!!! We're not meant to be able to do everything! Take a deep breathe, and start again. One day at a time and just move forward. When the anxiety starts up, STOP, take a deep breathe and keep in your mind that it's going to pass, your not going to stay like that, and let it pass. I wonder about caffeine as well???? Are you trying to find extra energy in caffeine, b/c I found that made my anxiety WAY worse in the beginning, so maybe lay off the caffeine for awhile??? Keep posting, your doing fine. We're not perfect, we're totally human. We make mistakes, learn from them, get up and move forward again!
The problem is, if you have access to pills, you will (in my opinion) relapse. Especially during the first few weeks of detox - your head never stops talking to you. A dirty house, etc....all excuses to use.
Your kids deserve a real mom, not someone messed up on meds.
Flush the pills you have left. Why in the hell are you keeping them. Get rid of your dealer's number(s). You know in your heart what you have to do. And you already know if you are going to take the steps towards recovery. It's up to you; no one else can help, no one else can make you stop, even your precious children. I know; I'm a father of three, and I used for over 15 years. I missed so much of my children's early years. And this will happen to you - if you don't stop.
K
Your kids deserve a real mom, not someone messed up on meds.
Flush the pills you have left. Why in the hell are you keeping them. Get rid of your dealer's number(s). You know in your heart what you have to do. And you already know if you are going to take the steps towards recovery. It's up to you; no one else can help, no one else can make you stop, even your precious children. I know; I'm a father of three, and I used for over 15 years. I missed so much of my children's early years. And this will happen to you - if you don't stop.
K
hey its ok. just keep on trying. im having a hard time with energy and will to do stuff but i force myself. and after a few i start to want to get things done. everyone on here has probably relapsed. you did great making it to day 8 remember that this time. i relapsed hard after almost 2 years clean. i lost my dad and started using a little here and there then after i lost my sister in January it got really bad. i finally came clean and got clean 3 weeks for me and if i can do it with the emotional stress i have you can to. just gotta trade one for another. drugs for your life. hold on to hope and u can accomplish anything. when we stumble we get back up. prayers and love
Give the detox Time and have some Patience..It will all come back. I had to do a whole new Life Style Change and also my playmates and playground.
Sure I miss my drugs that got me going..Those are the kind I have taken on & off for the last 40 years..BUT just know it is going to get better in time. (I hate that word now),,lol Every time I would think of a UP drug to get me going, I would also think about my Life. I can not take these materialistic things with me when I go..If I use one more time then I will be gone and 6ft under. Life is better on the other side of the street..Try it you will like it..I wish you the best.
Bless
Sure I miss my drugs that got me going..Those are the kind I have taken on & off for the last 40 years..BUT just know it is going to get better in time. (I hate that word now),,lol Every time I would think of a UP drug to get me going, I would also think about my Life. I can not take these materialistic things with me when I go..If I use one more time then I will be gone and 6ft under. Life is better on the other side of the street..Try it you will like it..I wish you the best.
Bless
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