the end of the road

Question

God do i hate this addiction.  I tried, i tried so damn hard but then again maybe I didnt try at all because Im still facing this miserable disease.  And do you know what I hate the most? Watching everyone around me, much younger, innocent people, who look good and move on wit htheir life and dont have to worry about this constant pain and suffering of loving with pills.  It gets me so upset that I take another pill.  And the sick part is that I used to be so beautiful and so perfect, only I wasnt and now I really am not.  I am a complete drug addict loser and I hate myself.  I am 30 years old and still battling this sickness.  It will never end.  I mean not everyone gets better so maybe I am meant to die from this. Either way, I have screwed up my life beyond recognition and now I am left to pick up the pieces without even sobriety to guide me through.  I have never felt so completely alone and unhappy.  Im sorry for the downer post I just had to let it out.  Thank you for reading

OXY_FREE · Answer

Hi Studiogorl
I just wanted to throw some support your way,I was stuck where you are at now.It's a hard place to be in,any time you want out,let us know and we can help pull ya up...
I will be praying for you, OXY...

studiogirl · Answer

Thank you Jenni ~ I know you are right.  I have always been prone to depression and of course this disease just amplifies it.  When I wrote my original post I had recieved some really awful news about a family member and I just felt so hopeless.  it helps when I feel that way to write (or type it out) and hear from others.  I dont expect people to baby me or anything.  I mean what newmanagement wrote was kind of "snap out of it" words but they were useful to me and I appreciated them, along with everyone else who either sympathizes or reminds me not to wallow too much.  Most people here have the experience and intelligence to really make a difference with the comments they make and the feedback they give.  
Thank you for your prayers and you also made me feel not so alone with your words.
Oh also, Road2Recovery - you are AWESOME, thank you

learning2befree · Answer

a couple times a day I feel the same you are entitled to feel how ever you want. When in recovery it is easy to fall into DEEP depression I am praying for you that your bouts of deppression dont last very long when they come but you are allowed to have them w/o shame I know how it is to just want to die sometimes then come to and know you really wont.... then feel like dieing again run for what ever support you got when you feel this way I've found that helpful You have touched my heart most wouldnt admit all the things you said even though most of us on here have probably felt it Good luck to you and thank you for your honesty It makes me feel not so alone

daystrom · Answer

Thanks!  Actually, I am still waiting for myreally late half-wit brother-in-law to arrive to get me.  This whole thing makes me shudder actually.  I would much rather stay home and watch hockey and drink my face off, but oh well.  I reckon I can get right properly pissed there and make a complete *** of myself :P  Thanks again. *sighs* heh ray

studiogirl · Answer

thanks again and good luck tonight!

daystrom · Answer

Don't mention it, really, it had to be said.  Again, hang in there girl. :)  Anyway, sorry to bust out like this, but unfortunately one of my various and sundry talents is that I play the piano, and my sister is having a work party tonight and I told her I would drop in and play.  I should bring rigs and a bag of "fix" just to get their Square John jaws a flapping. :P  haha, some real "water cooler chat" for Monday morning.  But seriously, I am outtie.  Take care girl, hang in there, life totally ***** shite, I agree.  peace  ray bbiab

studiogirl · Answer

daystrom: thank you for your response and your kind words. they were very helpful to me. I am really grateful for your understanding
nic374: What nasty comments you make about me, someone you dont even know.  The point of this forum is to speak your mind and talk about your addiction and what you are going through and get support in return.  You have no right to be so judgemental of me and basically call me weak.  You have no idea what I have been through in my life and what I have survived.  Your little wake up call two weeks ago sounds just perfect and good for you but you will find that most people dont have it quite so easy. I have been a true warrior for many years and I dont think Im weak at all.  Im just struggling and needed to let it out. If I was feeling sorry for myself in my original post then that is my right. if you think you are being helpful by judging me, you are so wrong.  You say its all about me? How can you be so judgemental? I am really blown away that you would write something like that without knowing me one bit.  Shame on you.

daystrom · Answer

I think that your comments are a bit draconian.  You do not know her situation.  It is great that you were able to kick, but everyone's circumstances are different.  We have different support mechanisms in our lives, different motivations for getting (and staying) clean, etc.  It is a bit harsh to take your experiences and just paint a picture perfect solution to opioid addiction.  There are no cookie cutter solutions, no magic bullets, no certainties of any sort in this life.  But before you pass judgment and pontificate about her situation, I suggest you walk the proverbial mile in her shoes.

peace

Ray

daystrom · Answer

Hey, as ya know, many of us have been there.  There are still days when I want to stick my head into a lawn mower.  I think I hit my lowest the morning I awoke to about 10 cops in full tactical gear crashing into my place, guns drawn on me, like I was Pablo Escobar or something (instead of just being the academically curious sort I am :P).  

Hang in there and feel free to vent anytime.

sadinmichigan · Answer

Girl..you vent all you need to. Sometimes it just helps to get it out. I am here for you if you need someone to talk to..sending hugs your way...Lisa

woowoo67 · Answer

hang in there .....  you can do it  ........  someone earlier said "relapses are stepping stones" .... this is true!   

I am struggleing also, when I don't use depression is overwhelming ....  and here in last few months when I do use I am still depressed.  The dope is not any fun anymore for me.  So hopefully I am close to kicking it.  You are close tooo!

Good Luck!!!

DevilsDoor · Answer

You can do it when you are ready to quit this I can assure you.  Im not a user of any nature, but the partner of one thats 2 1/2 years down the line of being clean from illegal drugs and near enough now sorted with prescription ones.

He was 37 when he quit using after 8-9 years of being an addict.  His drug worker said had he not decided to stop when he did, he'd have been dead within a few months, his weight was down to 10 stone, his skin was turning yellow, his general appearance was ****, yet to him he looked just fine.  You hit the nail on the head when u said *pretty illusion that using offers*, because thats all it is, illusion, reality is damn hard to deal with, but with good family, friends and support you can and will.  Good luck with this and believe in yourself

studiogirl · Answer

ugh, wasnt able to get online until now but I read all your responses and thank you. I just needed to vent and post what I was feeling but I do not sit around feeling sorry for myself all the time thinking that I was or used to be perfect. I am more talking about the pretty illusion that using used to offer. I have been to aftercare and I have seem counselors and personally I believe that none of it will work unless you are ready for it to work. I have all the tools, I just have to use them. To the person who asked me what advice to give their child who was headed into addiction - I guess just that it gets harder every time you relapse.

worried878 · Answer

I agree and I dont think it is fair that i have this disease either!  it totally sux and i wish i was someone who did not have this affliction...said it and i mean it....does it get me anywhere?  NO....no one cares i dont think...if i dont care then no one will care...i can just rot here in my house and never be anything useful to society or to my family or to myself....dont think i am gonna do that tho/but do think about it at times..not so much as of late/but been there and done that/had a pity party but no one showed up cept me!  ...i am unlucky in this sense...and it is totally not fair....that is all i can say....and when we sink ourselves into a pool of self pity/of which we are due to do from time to time cos this sux...we can either drown in it or swim

Turbo1250 · Answer

I, starting as a member today, am 7 days clean of opiate use/abuse?  I struggle with that because even though I used medication as prescribed to manage pain I was also using it to get high. I read the above stories and although each is unique there is the common thread of the love/HATE relationship with drugs.  I am determined to stay clean, but I know that it will be a constant battle. Any suggestions as to what to expect at this early stage of sobriety and what is most likely to cause me to relapse......

mdan9mm · Answer

As everyone wrote we ALL have the disease and i hate it just as much as you do. What you said about seeing everyone around you "normal " getting on with their everyday lives, functioning without pills, thats EXACTLY how i feel. i look at other people and say to myself, " why can't i be like them "? but no, we have a nasty fu**ing disease that doesnt seem to let you, me, and countless other people go. i found this site after  googling suboxone and let me tell you how happy that i did. dont let it get the best of you, i know im only on day 5 of the sub, and maybe im not in the best position to give you advise, but your not alone. ****, i dont know what else to write just be strong and we are all for you, day or night.

sadinmichigan · Answer

Hey there girl! Have been wondering about you..I think everyone has pretty much covered it. I understand what you are feeling all too well, I fight this everyday too. It's worht the fight though. Don't spend your time with the would haves..should haves..etc..because whats done is done..what you do today is what counts.It is never to late until your dead and buried..I have spent more than 1/2 my life on drugs..I started at 13..and had no idea then, that this would become a lifelong battle. Keep posting girl..we are all here for you and understand what your going through. I am here for you too...time to pull up the bootstraps..:)

dominosarah · Answer

Ohh studiogirl.........you are still beautiful.  Addiction has really reared its ugly head for you and you cant see it.  I wish i didnt have this disease either but i do so i have chosen to deal with it.  You can be one of those people you see that are happy.  It takes alot of work but you have already done it before.  Get back on here and start posting.  Talk to us. You are young yet and have a whole life waiting for you.  I started doing drugs in the early 70's.  My addiction took me over a span of 30 years.  Dont let that happen to you.  There is so much out here to be thankful for.  PM me anytime.  I am just a click away.  Sending you strength my friend.  Stay strong         sara

Shelwoy · Answer

It sounds to me that you are reaching a very dark and desperate place in your addiction.I truly believe you gave your best efforts to putting this beast to rest, but realize that you are trying to fix something you cannot fix on your own.Your best thinking got you into this mess, and that means only someone or something with the education to help can change how you feel.Relapses are not reasons to feel like you are a failure, they are stepping stones to getting the help you truly need.Allot of people don't get it the first time around, you are not a lost cause.
 Your comment about being so beautiful and so perfect is troubling to me.Nobody is ever perfect, you may have felt as if you were before you used pills, but if you think really hard- you will realize you had problems before your addiction, they just seem so minimal now because of how you feel today.You are not a loser, but you are an addict- but you can be treated and you can put this behind you.Are you ready to do whatever it takes to heal?? I do not know about your personal situation, but you need professional help, and should go to NA or something like it, and fast.You do not have to face this alone.
 I have had multiple addictions in my life, and have felt just as bad as you do, if not worse.I also, could not stop taking pills, and tried so hard so many times on my own.It was only after I surrendered myself to a treatment program and did what I had to do, that the healing process began.It has been over a year, and I have slipped up a couple times, but I am human- and I am an addict.Of course I get discouraged, but I want better for me and my family.Some days are great and some really suck, but I don't fuel my addiction anymore.You can do the same.You can heal and change for the better, if you really want to.
 If you want more help or anything, hit me up.Just really think hard about your life, and where you want to be with it, and get professional help! Don't look at past failures, start over and move forward.

merrymaria · Answer

i felt the same way you do.  it s a terrible thing to go through but you realize you have a problem and it s time to fix it.  please look around here..you will find the greatest people and support.  you will find yourself in many people here.  just let go of the pills and hang in there and your life will be so much better.  you are so young and you CAN do it.  i was very very addicted to pain meds and i too have a very addictive personality but woke up and said i can t take this anymore....addiction is like a death grip...it will hold you tight till you set it free, if that makes sense.  please read some posts and stay here.  we will all help you.  take care  maria

newmanagment · Answer

funny that we as addicts can resign ourselves into abuse. 
I have done tons of the fuk it, im just gonna kill myself wit dope thing! but sooner or later, you will get sick of that too. We can find ANY reason to use, like you do when examining other peoples lives. Yeah, so they don have to deal wit addiction, but guess wut??? WE do, so deal wit it!! life can suk, but it can also be a great experience full of new discoveries and loves. I have been a coke addict for 27+ years, so I know where ya all have been. I have done the same thing as you, beating myself to death over why I use, and giving in to just using cuz im sick of it. past that i have come to wanting to die, because im sick of hurtin those i love, and sick of dealing with the disease of addiction!! But unlike a terminal illness, addiction is cureable!! 
heres where im at in my journey to clean up. I have become sick of living my life always goin to meetings, spending eva minute on this site, battling every trigger so i dont use!! that **** gets old!! Hell i dedicate myself to sobriety and spend more time stayin sober then it  takes me to score dope! so I just decided that if I dont get dope, do dope, or get high..... I will be sober. it really is that simple, and it can be for you too. but first ya are gonna go thru all the other ****, beatin ya own *** cuz ya feel like a damn dope head, all that . sooner or later, youll get sicka that and at that stage, you can throw yourself into your addiction full force, and end up dead or in the joint, or you will clean up.
I guess my point is this..... what do you want outta life?
if your tired of being an addict, Change!! 
flush the pills, crack, heroin, or wuteva ya DOC is,  and quit using dope!
get involved in some activities you have neva done, or some ya did before dope took ova.
and most important, LIVE!!!!
breathe in the clean air, feel the wind on ya face, run, play wit kids, wut eva , but live your life to the fullest. God knows we have eaten away enough of our time using dope.
an addicts life CAN be straightend out, just quit beatin yaself up ova the past n where you are now and drag your *** back up!! much luck to ya!

tsands · Answer

Im the mother of a 17yr old that is an addict. He sounds like where you came from. He had everything and we are watching him spiral outta control. Any words of wisdom to help him and us b4 he is your age? I have tried finding places to rehab, but apparently he has 2 b willing. Hes not! Please take care and stay on this forum. Theres some pretty incredible people in this thing!

mb18 · Answer

I just joined this site and I saw your post.  It sounds like you are describing me.  I have been taking pain medication (percocet) for many years after hurting as a younger girl because of being hit by a car on my bicycle.  I have stopped taking the medication several times over the years as well, but after being off of it for months, even a year at one time, I think I can start taking them again and not get addicted.  Bottom line, I have an addictive personality.  I was addicted to sex, drugs, attention, being perfect, just whatever seemed to fill my ego at the time, I jumped in full force.  Addiction has taken a huge toll on my life.  I have lost a lot and still have a lot to lose.  I have often said & felt that I may never be ok and that someday, this may take my life and all that I have right down the toilet.  I don't have any magic or wonderful words of wisdom, but I hope that because our stories are so much alike that you can find common ground with someone who is in the same boat as you are.  Who knows?  Maybe we can help each other quit this awful habit once & for all .  Please know that I feel your pain and you are not alone!