Walk me off the ledge... seriously :(

[DarkEyedCreature]

I didn't used to be this person. I was the woman who had her crap together in everyway possible.

After many surgeries, these drugs got me. To make matters worse, I just delivered a miracle baby. I got pregnant after a major surgery and was making killer dosages of both oxy and valium. I spent the whole time crippled in fear. I felt if I got off the meds, I would kill my baby -- which is what most research says.

I delivered him two weeks ago. After getting on my knees and pleading with God to have baby born not addicted, the miracle came true. I was able to bring him home.

However, now I am out of medicine. Pain management dropped me, and I am dealing with a slew of emotions.

Some of them are normal post-partum things... others are complete pain, guilt, feeling ashamed.

So, here I am feeling like the worst mother alive ( who once felt like the greatest mom ever --before the evil) going through MAJOR withdrawals with 2 year old twins who are screaming non-stop because of the new baby -- and having to tend to my newborn 24-7. I also have a 10 year old with special needs.

I need help. I have thought about suicide a lot during my pregnancy just from fear. Now, I am thinking of it because I feel they don't deserve an drug addict mother.

I need methodone... I need something. My insurance is in a lapse right now, so I feel there is no help. It is not an option for my family for me to go to a detox center and do it there. I sure as hell can't CT with all that is going on in my life right now.

If I was to get on methodone, I don't have a babysitter. There is no way I can/will drag my babies to a meth clinic.

Are there any places that write a few weeks worth at a time? I feel I just need resources... I feel like I can't go through another day of this.

I shouldn't feel sorry for myself. I just gave birth to a healthy infant despite my high dosages.

All I want is to care for them.

Someone help me.

[tulsa1966]

Honey I am in a semi-suicidal state too. You have little ones who need you. I am 45 and still need my mom (deceased for more than 20 yrs). So think of that. You insurance is another matter. What state do you live in? In my clinic we have free detox slots. Or folks here apply for Medi-Cal as a medically indigent adult and that covers it. Or Medi-Cal just for rehab. You can check this out in your state.

You must remain present for the babies. this weekend I thought to kill myself too. I actually drove to the bridge and just stood there. Thank god it was too cold to even think and i went home. Laughing at myself the whole drive home. I have kids too (grown) but i do know they still need me. I am trying hard to stay for them. It aint easy. I have had quite a few surgeries myself. I was stabbed and nearly killed in the 80's i had 27 related surgeries. And I still suffer from some of that. I used to think that i was a strong person. I had always felt like a surviver until i figured that I was an addict. Now I just feel like a failure. But I am fixing that too. I know the feeling of fear, the heartbreak of knowing that you r letting someone down. You have to go for the greater good on this one. Unless you are present for the kids their entire future will be nothing more than a question mark. I would never want any child to be motherless. Fathers are important but to me it's the mother who matters. Please do not take that wrong i just think we as moms have that connection that not even god can break. Please stick with this. It is so worth it. The best really yet to come. That is a promise. If you need me, I am here.

[bama88]

Hi there..depression and.suicidal thoughts are common during detox and after. When we take.opiates our brain chemistry changes. Instead of.creating.our own dopimine and seratonin the opiates give us a sense of well being. That really changes our endorphins in our brains chemistry.

I had to be put on a high dose.of cymbalta while detoxing and still take it. I too went suicidal during the wts and after. I was a wreck. Your not alone with this feeling. Id reckon to say 75-99% of Ppeople suffer this for awhile.it will only get better day by day. Im 60 days clean. Read my post from.this morning. If i can do it so can you.....hugs......bama

[dominosarah]

You can get thru this but please seek some medical help.  I dont normally do this but have you thought about Suboxone?  Keep talking to us as we are here to help you.

[DarkEyedCreature]

Thank you all for your support. It really means the world to me. I would love to get on subs(again) and do it the right way, and commit to what I should be doing with them. Instead, I used them just to get me between my scripts -- the scripts that were supposed to last a month, but lasted 2-3 days ( before pregnancy).

To the ladies who have had babies... I am battling baby blues, 4 children, and withdrawal. To make matters worse, I went to the doctor who delivered him looking for support/help and I left in tears. This should be a joyful time. When I see my docs, they should be smiling, asking about my baby. Instead, it's all about how worthless I am as a mother and human being. I've done a lot of bad things because of my addiction, but he was actually accusing me of doing things I didn't, which made me feel even more horrible.

I put my whole family into a terrible situation with money, and I'm still in WD's, but buying just enough off the streets to get me by.

I know one day I can flip this, somewhere deep down inside, I know. There are times where I can't see the light and find pleasure writing letters to my loved ones and planning my death.

No, it's not something I would do for real, but the thought of that escape calms me. The only thing that stops me is my family -- I couldn't put them through that after how much I have already.

These drugs turned me into someone else. I remember getting clean once upon a time and feeling on top of the world. When I walked, I felt like a beautiful woman. I could actually feel my own body in a different way. When I looked into the mirror, I saw myself again. I saw a glow, but then came more surgeries and a baby.

I'm sorry for sounding this way, but the venting really helps.

I just need professional help very soon. When my insurance does kick in, are there other places you can go for meds besides a meth/sub clinic?

[theaddict]

if your doctor stated things to you about being a horrible mother, then you could have his license. true story. it has happened out here. hopefully he didn't really say those things to you, and instead, you're just going through a lot of emotions and took it that way because of the WD you're going through right now. i really do hope you're doing okay.

about the WDs and what not... you say you cannot go CT off of the pills, which is understandable because a lot of people can but then, there are those who just can't do it. i thought i wasn't able to do it, but i did. i opted out of the tapering schedule stuff because i don't have the mindset and strength to be able to do that. if my schedule said i only had allotted myself three pills for that day, six would've been consumed. AGAIN, that's just me.

just so i can understand a little better, and i am sorry to pry - but are you saying that your doctors were giving you these medications while being pregnant? let me know! and please, keep posting and keep your pretty little head up. we're all here for you, no matter what!

[dominosarah]

I would call around and find a different doctor.  There are getting to be more and more doctors who are understanding this addiction and are willing to help.   Keep us posted on how you are doing.    sara

[Addicted2long]

Please have the strength to choose life..I abused heavy doses of oxy 600mg a day for five years until recently I was on 2 grams a day IV heroin. I was suicidal i saw no end in site.  I had tried everything. I hurt everyone in my life and I lost everything there was to lose. Trips to jail, theft, stealing from everyone I knew. I did anything for drugs and i was so sick and close to death. Please stay positive its the drugs talking trust me i was so depressed and now I'm 43 days clean. I am a new man. I love life and I promise u it will get better. I went cold turkey from it all And I fought for my.life and it was the hardest thing ever to do. I will pray for u and I know your kids need and love u. Please stay in good spirits.  Your friend, addicted
.

[theaddict]

digital high five to you!!!!!

[all_alone1]

I am a mother of 6 children 2 grown, 2 teenagers and 2 little ones......I know the stress that comes with taking care of them and the feeling that you are not worthy enough to be there mother.....just know you are the world to them they love and adore you.....I cried reading how sad you are....just know from one mother to another I am here to talk to anytime you need you message me anytime and we can talk whenever you need to....I hardly sleep so I am always here...even if I am not posting

[lulu747]

My heart goes out to you...I hear how overwhelmed you are and I want to add my support.  I agree, that another doctor needs to be found...You are dealing with post-natal hormone fluxes, withdrawal, and a full house...Do you have a spouse?  Your life is worth fighting for-hold on to your faith.  You are still that beautiful woman and you will meet her again...
Often when we look at the whole picture of our lives it can be terribly overwhelming, it feels like there is no way out from under the weight.  Try to focus on one small thing that you can change at a time.  Medical and emotional support would be the most important right now, I'd say.  Please reach out to someone in your community for help.  You have nothing to be ashamed of....You are worth it.  Please keep posting..

Sending support and prayers...
Lu

[theaddict]

how have you been doing lately?

please keep us all posted on how everything is going! <333

[GA_need_help]

Hi, I want you to know you can private message me anytime to talk.  Angel_ina said she doesn't sleep much, and she means it. She is there for me and will be for you also.  I just want to reiterate that these feelings are just as some people expressed, your brain chemistry isn't functioning properly yet.   I am tapering off of Opana ER, a very strong opiate.  I get into a total funk when I don't have "enough" of the medication in my body.  And you are dealing with a very, very severe case of this.  I promise that your brain will readjust.  It just will take one thing to happen.  That is time, that awful concept when it is tortuous to live every moment.  We just have to take this minute by minute, and one day at a time.  Don't get ahead of yourself or try to solve your life problem during one day.  Have you figured out where any resources are that may help?  any doctors--Is there perhaps one that you know that would be kind enough to provide what you need to taper??  Please stay close to the forum.  We are very eager to help.  Please feel free to private message me anytime.
Big Hug,
Marie

[theaddict]

how are you feeling today??