Addicted to Hydro's - Ready to quit!

[aTtHeEnD]

Here we go again! I have been down this road many times already. Trying to get off this medication is almost hell in of it's self. Here's my story....I need all the help I can get right not - especially support from those here I think, I know.

I have been on Hydrocodone 10/500 for several years now. At 1st took them as prescribed and maintained level of intake for some time that way. Like most here, when the pain was gone the pills just kept getting taken. Then moved on to taking double, ya know cause it was not just doing the job with prescribed amount. So it started! 1st it would take 2 weeks to go thru 90 10/500, then down to 90 in about 5 days...Keeping in mind this took place over the past few years.Last week I got the 90 and realized they were being gone in that many days - REALLY opened my eyes that time I think. Anyway, In the time waiting to get refills I would pay to get them off the street at four bucks a pop and my intake level - it was getting ugly ugly. The past few weeks though I have been getting tired early, loss of appetite and so on - almost like I was already withdrawling - yet I was still taking them "weird" Yesterday, woke up still had about 11 and took last one last night at 1045 (ya I remember) Here is the thing, i WANT OUT of this hell! I hate spending the money, looking for them, the problems physically, mentally and so on. TIRED OF IT. I sit here this morning taking the only day off I can take this week, and its not even been 24hrs yet. I can only sit and wait for the WD's to kick in. Scares the tarnation out of me to be honest. I have told no one but you folks there - It's ALL i can tell. I can prob tell my Dr. though if needed. I have had calls the past few days asking me do I want more, and never returned call or text - I guess knowing I'm sick of it, I mean really really sick of it. I want to be me again, If I even know who that person is - it's been so damn long. Kinda scares me too really.
In the end (JUST FIGURED IT OUT) i took almost 18 daily. I knew too tho at time. Didnt want to fush them, so just banged them out - knowing I would deal with this day - Today. I would like some advise, maybe inspiration of some kind. Things I can take to ease the pain of WD's - Anything I get would be heaven sent really. I have no one to count on here, that I can tell right now. I have to work tomorrow so - Help

I really want out of this mess, mentally I think it's time

[McTigerlily]

You're right. Every time we refill another script it just prolongs the inevitable. Today when I called my doctor to tell him that I wanted to change the muscle relaxer I'm on b/c it's giving me nightmares and insomnia (I am starting to hate all drugs), the doctor asked, "Are you doing good on Lortab? Do you need me to call in any more?" I wanted to vomit. I had already gotten a small script filled today, like I said before (10 pills) and I just blurted out, "No, no. I'm fine for a while." Of course, that is the only time I'm ever OFFERED up pills by a doctor...when I'm trying NOT to take them anymore. It's so evil. They don't know. It's not their fault. But it's there, you know? And only when I'm so serious that I could commit myself to a rehab tomorrow, will I tell them that I'm an addict and don't want to ever take a narcotic again. I'm so dependent on this **** it's pathetic. This is the first time in 8 years that I'm talking about it, though. That has to mean something, right? Oh God I hope that means I'm coming to the end. I want it to be the end. It's so not worth it. I mean, I quit smoking 13 years ago, cold turkey, because I got so mad that a little piece of paper and some herbs (and 300 other added chemicals, right?) were controlling my life. I had the will-power back then and the frame of mind to care about my body enough to be mad at the cigarette companies and get mad enough to quit.

So, what's up with this now? I've done a lot more **** I'm ashamed of than what I was doing 13 years ago, but I should be so ticked off that some man-made drug rules every bit of my life. That it's keeping me from creating art and telling people I'll do commission work for them. It keeps me from being truly close to my husband and friends. Only one of my friends even knows about this and I just told her two weeks ago. Surely I'm ready. Surely this can be done! I WANT to be free of this.

I'm glad I found this place.

[aTtHeEnD]

Chills kicking in pretty good. I yi yi

[aTtHeEnD]

This is going to be the longest week ever, if not longer. The mental part I am going to deal with also. Have to get through this disaster some how. Need all the backing i can get right now. I want this, but I also know it will be the hardest thing Ive had to do in my life. God help me!

[aTtHeEnD]

I have been in here for hours reading pro's con's EVERYTHING. I find one thing here for sure and it's what's what the least of right now, in how we're feeling..Time! WD's are going to happen anyway, no matter what. For how long apparently only god knows for sure. I know I have a script at the pharmacy right now that will be ready for p/u on March 19th. However, I am going to call my doc and have them retract that son of a -----. The withdrawls have started for me already, and now I am just waiting it out..wondering how much worse it will get - and can I truly handle it. I hope so. The support I have got in here is VERY SIGNIFICANT in my attitude in getting better. After all "I am a ADDICT" FLush yours NOW. We are just prolonging what must be done in order to have a happy and healthy life. I too have pain, back pain. Im going to take advil..anything..anything but that!!!! ***** BAD

[McTigerlily]

New here. I just went through two days of withdrawal from painkillers for the first time in YEARS except for the first 6 months that I was pregnant. I have been in withdrawals with the 'help' of Benadryl and low-doses of Ultram--still an opiate, I know, but one that worsened my withdrawals. I broke down today and got a refill for Hydrocodone 10 and took 4 within an hour. Ughhh. I hate this. I have real pain from endometriosis and nerve damage from surgeries to remove necrotizing fasciitis (flesh-eating bacteria I contracted after giving birth).

I have lost almost 8 years of my life. I began abusing painkillers in 2001, after a relationship ended. It started with a bad cough and cough medicine...and now I'm here. Did NOT mean to get addicted, but that's what happened. I never even drank alcohol for crying out loud.

Now my life is really at its worse. My marriage of 5 years is failing (my husband knows, but I think he's in denial), and I have a 16 month old beautiful daughter that I don't want to lose and love so much it hurts!

I have done research on Suboxone? but don't know if it's for me because I have real need for pain management. However, I eventually do want more children (when my husband and I get some serious counseling and I get off this ****) and I CAN NOT continue this any more.

I'm so scared that I'll lose my daughter or something if I tell a doctor. On the other hand, I WILL lose my daughter if I continue dr. shopping and pharmacy hopping. I am so disgusted, but so scared of the pain that will come--emotionally, physically, mentally--when I stop taking pills.

Is there ANYTHING to help reduce withdrawals, stop cravings, manage pain and just get on with my life?? I feel like I deserve the awful withdrawals, but it's really the cravings that keep me going back.

[road2recovery]

I was taking around the same amount as you when i stopped...Like you , I was just sick of it...I had went through w/d's many times before, only to find more...but the last time, I had this forum, and I set my mind straight...I just told myself that I was going to do this, and fight like hell..., or like you, I knew i would die if i kept it up...I was so afraid of what the tylenol had done to my liver...Try to keep yourself out of your head...The physical part is bad, and with 4 kids, and hubby that works away all the time was no help...the mental was harder for me...But with counsouling, and this forum and happy to be clean today....Post , and vent, cry, whatever it takes to get through this...
FIGHT!!!!
r2r

[gizzy32]

It's not my time is one of the songs I always listen to when i crave, it helps so much. I have to add this one in my journal of songs, thanks for the reminder, great song

[aTtHeEnD]

Just for thought - the song by 3 doors down "It's not my time"  Listen to it on msn music .I listened to it over and over. Those who say music helps..even if a little for a moment it's a moment of peace, right? whew this *****!

[cathy5841]

the tears are a normal part of the w/d process.  dont worry we have all been there.  and you are right addiction knows no boundries...it ***** in anyone who is not on guard...

[aTtHeEnD]

tears. is that normal right now. 40yom I dont get this

[aTtHeEnD]

I'm just so disgusted with myself. Feel so bad for letting myself down. I have lost a family member due to this ****. I should know better for god sakes. Addiction knows NO bounds does it, : (

I have to win this battle!

[aTtHeEnD]

I'm just so disgusted with myself. Feel so bad for letting myself down. I have lost a family member due to this ****. I should know better for god sakes. Addiction knows NO bounds does it, : (

I have to win this battle!

[aTtHeEnD]

I'm just so disgusted with myself. Feel so bad for letting myself down. I have lost a family member due to this ****. I should know better for god sakes. Addiction knows NO bounds does it, : (

I have to win this battle!

[aTtHeEnD]

I'm just so disgusted with myself. Feel so bad for letting myself down. I have lost a family member due to this ****. I should know better for god sakes. Addiction knows NO bounds does it, : (

I have to win this battle!

[aTtHeEnD]

I'm just so disgusted with myself. Feel so bad for letting myself down. I have lost a family member due to this ****. I should know better for god sakes. Addiction knows NO bounds does it, : (

I have to win this battle!

[aTtHeEnD]

I'm just so disgusted with myself. Feel so bad for letting myself down. I have lost a family member due to this ****. I should know better for god sakes. Addiction knows NO bounds does it, : (

I have to win this battle!

[aTtHeEnD]

I'm just so disgusted with myself. Feel so bad for letting myself down. I have lost a family member due to this ****. I should know better for god sakes. Addiction knows NO bounds does it, : (

I have to win this battle!

[aTtHeEnD]

I'm just so disgusted with myself. Feel so bad for letting myself down. I have lost a family member due to this ****. I should know better for god sakes. Addiction knows NO bounds does it, : (

I have to win this battle!

[cathy5841]

just remember you wasted years on your addiction, so give recovery some time.  this is not gonna be over in a week.  the physical is better after about a week...the mental last much longer for some.  sometimes sleep is awhile returning to normal too.  just dont give up...your goal is attainable.

[aTtHeEnD]

I have to do this. I KNOW I will die if I don't. I can feel the depression setting in. Yet I take Paxil once daily - doesn't matter I guess. It is what it is, right. I hope this doesn't last too too long. I want to meet me again :(

Thanks

[Ventana45]

Alredy bought to tears reading your post, ty

[cathy5841]

congrats to you both for realizing you were on the road to no where fast.  no matter how hard it gets for you remember, it only last about a week and IT IS WORTH IT!!!!  yes i know i have been down the same road.  try to get some exercise, even if you have to start with a short walk.  eat bananas for the rls and take hot baths.  look in the health pages and get the thomas recipe...those vits and aminos do help.  YOU CAN DO THIS....keep posting.

[Ventana45]

I'm exactly where your at! Your not alone! My last norco was less than 24 hrs ago, I took today off, I feel like ****. If your like to talk, I'm here.