Aa
I'm now filled with anger and resentment and need direction to get better
I'll try to keep this short. We are a single income family with 3 kids; 7, 4 and 2. My wife has a history of abusing prescription drugs & alcohol going back 3 to 4 years. We weened her off twice historically only to recently find out that she was taking 2 to 10 pills per day of hydrocodone and really whatever she could get her hands on. She confessed and through professional counsel, we sent her to a 6 week residential clinic to treat her addiction, depression, anxiety and her will to live. During the treatment, I took time away from work to focus on the kids.
She was released today; 12/31/2010.
Insurance denied this treatment/claim and at a upfront cost of 1200 per day, I'm financially responsible for the amount. I had to take on debt for her to complete this treatment. On two separate occasions, her father verbally stated he would help pay during the treatment, but when it came time to pay he backed out.
In addition, the clinic discounted the addiction part of the treatment stating she was only abusing but not addicted. There is more that I could add, but I think that gives you an idea of my situation.
Now, I am full of anger and resentment and need help. What can I do (programs, groups, etc) to release this anger/resentment?
She was released today; 12/31/2010.
Insurance denied this treatment/claim and at a upfront cost of 1200 per day, I'm financially responsible for the amount. I had to take on debt for her to complete this treatment. On two separate occasions, her father verbally stated he would help pay during the treatment, but when it came time to pay he backed out.
In addition, the clinic discounted the addiction part of the treatment stating she was only abusing but not addicted. There is more that I could add, but I think that gives you an idea of my situation.
Now, I am full of anger and resentment and need help. What can I do (programs, groups, etc) to release this anger/resentment?
My Wifey went to TX to see her parents for the holidays while I went to Detox. She, too, claims she is "done." I would love to be with her forever, but first I have to focus on ME and get my life back in order. Whatever is meant to be will be...at the very least we will be best friends.
There have been days where she's cussed me out and said mean things to me. But she always apologizes. I understand that she's hurt, she's angry, she's fed up. I stole from her, lied to her, etc. As the addict, I understand what I did was horrible but at the same time it is a sickness.
I am just rambling. I'm sorry. I can't really answer your question, but I can tell you we're all in the same place relatively speaking. Just hang in there, it will get better...
There have been days where she's cussed me out and said mean things to me. But she always apologizes. I understand that she's hurt, she's angry, she's fed up. I stole from her, lied to her, etc. As the addict, I understand what I did was horrible but at the same time it is a sickness.
I am just rambling. I'm sorry. I can't really answer your question, but I can tell you we're all in the same place relatively speaking. Just hang in there, it will get better...
I don't believe you are a fool. It sounds like you love and care for her very much. Those are the things that kept me from leaving my wife during our abuse. It is not an easy thing to deal with and there may be some tough decisions to be made. If she is committed to getting clean and doing what it takes then the marriage may be worth trying to save. If she continues to use then splitting up may be in order. It is a question I sometimes ponder in regards to my own marriage. To be honest I still don't know what I would do.
As far as my anger goes, I realized (with some help) that my anger only makes me sick. It prevents me from seeing that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be right now. There are reasons why things happen that I will never understand. These are the things I do my best to let go of. The father in law lied. It is in the past. You now know you can't count on him. Let it go and move on. You now understand a little more about your wifes addiction/disease. What is in the past is in the past. Let the past go and do the best you can today. Try not to worry about tomorrow either. Worry is another thing that can keep us sick.
I would focus on taking care of the blessings you have been given today. Spend time with your kids and be a Good father. Treat them with love and understanding. Honestly answer their questions. Remember they are dealing with a sick mother and may be hurting as well. Don't bash your wife but don't lie either. Kids aren't stupid. Try to be calm and provide as much of a stable environment as possible. It may seem like a lot to ask but you sound like you can do it. When life gets rocky here I try to be calm and stable and it seems to help my wife be okay with whatever it is we are dealing with.
When ever you feel anger or resentment take a moment to be quiet, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then focus on things you are grateful for. This helped me a lot. Eventually I was able to be grateful for a sick spouse because she helps me to be a better person.
God Bless!!!
As far as my anger goes, I realized (with some help) that my anger only makes me sick. It prevents me from seeing that everything is exactly the way it is supposed to be right now. There are reasons why things happen that I will never understand. These are the things I do my best to let go of. The father in law lied. It is in the past. You now know you can't count on him. Let it go and move on. You now understand a little more about your wifes addiction/disease. What is in the past is in the past. Let the past go and do the best you can today. Try not to worry about tomorrow either. Worry is another thing that can keep us sick.
I would focus on taking care of the blessings you have been given today. Spend time with your kids and be a Good father. Treat them with love and understanding. Honestly answer their questions. Remember they are dealing with a sick mother and may be hurting as well. Don't bash your wife but don't lie either. Kids aren't stupid. Try to be calm and provide as much of a stable environment as possible. It may seem like a lot to ask but you sound like you can do it. When life gets rocky here I try to be calm and stable and it seems to help my wife be okay with whatever it is we are dealing with.
When ever you feel anger or resentment take a moment to be quiet, take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then focus on things you are grateful for. This helped me a lot. Eventually I was able to be grateful for a sick spouse because she helps me to be a better person.
God Bless!!!
You aren't a fool. Not at all. Right now you're being held hostage to your wife's addiction. That's what addicts do. They're also very good at keeping secrets, and keeping secrets keep them sick. She may or may not recover. You're trying to get the chaos out of your life and your kids' lives, but it's not really working, is it? Ultimately, you may need to leave your wife to her addiction and move on with the kids. Only you can determine if that's the road you need to take and when you need to take it.
Thank you all. I was heading in the Al-anon direction, but wasn't sure if this would be right for me. After reading the posts, I will definitely try it.
Big picture: I guess I feel like I keep getting run over by a bus only to get up for another one to hit me. I am sooo tired of getting hit by the bus...
IBKleen: The finances. This is another area that I feel lost in. Over the years, she has depleted our savings, maxed out numerous credit cards and stole my identity (of which I had to seek legal counsel as my profession could have been compromised.) It was like she had no understanding of the consequences. We had numerous conversations around the finances and even started the Dave Ramsey Budget method, but she would fall back in to the same behavior. Over the summer, our son had his tonsils out which we needed to pay about 1500 for. When the bill came in, we sat down and set a budget to pay for it. That weekend, she went to see her sister who lives about 45 mins away. That trip alone cost about 1100 and I still have no idea what she bought or spent the money on. I was DONE and since then, I felt like I needed to protect my kids and what little I had left financially.
eyeofhorus2010: Good question regarding the insurance. My wife was stealing the pills and treatment was a way to reduce or negate any charges. When she was busted, her father stated that he would help pay 25000 of the costs associated for 3 reasons (our kids.) She had the consultation with the clinic and the insurance and was enrolled. I was on the phone constantly with both only to find out via mail that she was denied 2 weeks after she was enrolled. This place required that we front the money and since we were already 16800 into treatment, we decided to appeal and keep here there. At this point, I was counting on her father only to find out that he would ultimately bail out. In trying to sort this out, days turned to weeks and here I am. I am aggressively pursuing the insurance company.
CATUF - thank you. That was awesome. I guess I need to figure out how to see her as a person and not her the addict..... I hope that sounded right. I'm scared that she won't follow through with the treatment as you have. I pray that she will.
Jaybay: Yes,she was working Al-anon during her abuse. The clinic recommended that she stay with Al-anon which is real confusing to me. I questioned their treatment around this and they continued to say she was only abusing but not addictive. She suffered from PPD on all three and high anxiety.
This helps me understand more....
"It takes dedication and work not only on the part of the addict but the rest of the family too."
"As CATUF mentioned, your wife's brain has a lot of healing to do. Simple things that you and I wouldn't even blink at will seem completely overwhelming and even outright impossible to your wife."
Punkinhead75: Thank you. In your words I can hear the humbled tone that I respect so much with people in recovery. Your words hit home. I know I have work to do and your situation gives me hope. Did you ever feel that if you accept the anger/resentment that in a way you would let your wall down?
My anger has 3 directions of which resentment is tied to each.
I am angry at myself for being in this situation. I find myself saying "how can I be so blind and stupid to get myself into this position?"
I am angry at her father: He really just looked me in the eye and lied; twice. He did the same to my wife. In the end I guess the saying is true "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" I guess that points the anger back at me.....
I am angry at my wife. The more I think about her using while home with the kids is sickening to me. I am so pissed. The mood swings, the highs and lows all make sense. Again "how can I be such a fool?"
I feel like I am all over the place. I know that I need help sorting this out...Again thank you all...
dphba
Big picture: I guess I feel like I keep getting run over by a bus only to get up for another one to hit me. I am sooo tired of getting hit by the bus...
IBKleen: The finances. This is another area that I feel lost in. Over the years, she has depleted our savings, maxed out numerous credit cards and stole my identity (of which I had to seek legal counsel as my profession could have been compromised.) It was like she had no understanding of the consequences. We had numerous conversations around the finances and even started the Dave Ramsey Budget method, but she would fall back in to the same behavior. Over the summer, our son had his tonsils out which we needed to pay about 1500 for. When the bill came in, we sat down and set a budget to pay for it. That weekend, she went to see her sister who lives about 45 mins away. That trip alone cost about 1100 and I still have no idea what she bought or spent the money on. I was DONE and since then, I felt like I needed to protect my kids and what little I had left financially.
eyeofhorus2010: Good question regarding the insurance. My wife was stealing the pills and treatment was a way to reduce or negate any charges. When she was busted, her father stated that he would help pay 25000 of the costs associated for 3 reasons (our kids.) She had the consultation with the clinic and the insurance and was enrolled. I was on the phone constantly with both only to find out via mail that she was denied 2 weeks after she was enrolled. This place required that we front the money and since we were already 16800 into treatment, we decided to appeal and keep here there. At this point, I was counting on her father only to find out that he would ultimately bail out. In trying to sort this out, days turned to weeks and here I am. I am aggressively pursuing the insurance company.
CATUF - thank you. That was awesome. I guess I need to figure out how to see her as a person and not her the addict..... I hope that sounded right. I'm scared that she won't follow through with the treatment as you have. I pray that she will.
Jaybay: Yes,she was working Al-anon during her abuse. The clinic recommended that she stay with Al-anon which is real confusing to me. I questioned their treatment around this and they continued to say she was only abusing but not addictive. She suffered from PPD on all three and high anxiety.
This helps me understand more....
"It takes dedication and work not only on the part of the addict but the rest of the family too."
"As CATUF mentioned, your wife's brain has a lot of healing to do. Simple things that you and I wouldn't even blink at will seem completely overwhelming and even outright impossible to your wife."
Punkinhead75: Thank you. In your words I can hear the humbled tone that I respect so much with people in recovery. Your words hit home. I know I have work to do and your situation gives me hope. Did you ever feel that if you accept the anger/resentment that in a way you would let your wall down?
My anger has 3 directions of which resentment is tied to each.
I am angry at myself for being in this situation. I find myself saying "how can I be so blind and stupid to get myself into this position?"
I am angry at her father: He really just looked me in the eye and lied; twice. He did the same to my wife. In the end I guess the saying is true "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" I guess that points the anger back at me.....
I am angry at my wife. The more I think about her using while home with the kids is sickening to me. I am so pissed. The mood swings, the highs and lows all make sense. Again "how can I be such a fool?"
I feel like I am all over the place. I know that I need help sorting this out...Again thank you all...
dphba
punkinhead - great point about how to deal with debt. Most creditors are happy to work out an arrangement with you, but you have to pick up the phone or write the letters and communicate with them. If you do nothing, the only thing that happens is trashed credit and perhaps eventual bankruptcy.
Medical debt is an entirely different kettle of fish. As long as you make a good-faith effort to make a payment every month, nothing goes on your credit record. Even five dollars is enough to keep the hounds away. Some providers immediately turn such accounts over to a collector. Having a collection agency manage a medical debt does NOT mean that your credit is dinged! It's more expensive for providers to keep people on staff to deal with long-term receivables, so they outsource it collectors. Do not panic if this happens! Just tell them how much you can pay each month, and do not fail to make those payments. Stick to your guns and don't let anyone talk you into paying more than you know you can pay.
I've had plenty of medical debt in my life, the worst being after a week-long inpatient stay culminating in surgery. I was newly divorced and finances were already strained. As the bills came in, I kept careful track of what insurance paid and what I owed. Found some errors to my benefit and sorted those out easily. Each month I paid off one of the smaller bills while I held off the rest with five or ten dollar checks. Some were turned over to collectors. All they cared about was getting a commitment to some dollar amount and not one batted an eye at my ten-dollar-a-month pledge.
I had most of the $20,000 paid off in a year. By then, the providers and collectors both were more than ready to get rid of those old accounts because it costs more to maintain them than to let them go. I offered to pay off the over $1,000 balance still owed to the hospital immediately - for a 50% discount. Done. The older the receivable, the great your bargaining power. It pays to make those small monthly payments - regularly and on time - and maintain good relations with the creditors.
Medical debt is an entirely different kettle of fish. As long as you make a good-faith effort to make a payment every month, nothing goes on your credit record. Even five dollars is enough to keep the hounds away. Some providers immediately turn such accounts over to a collector. Having a collection agency manage a medical debt does NOT mean that your credit is dinged! It's more expensive for providers to keep people on staff to deal with long-term receivables, so they outsource it collectors. Do not panic if this happens! Just tell them how much you can pay each month, and do not fail to make those payments. Stick to your guns and don't let anyone talk you into paying more than you know you can pay.
I've had plenty of medical debt in my life, the worst being after a week-long inpatient stay culminating in surgery. I was newly divorced and finances were already strained. As the bills came in, I kept careful track of what insurance paid and what I owed. Found some errors to my benefit and sorted those out easily. Each month I paid off one of the smaller bills while I held off the rest with five or ten dollar checks. Some were turned over to collectors. All they cared about was getting a commitment to some dollar amount and not one batted an eye at my ten-dollar-a-month pledge.
I had most of the $20,000 paid off in a year. By then, the providers and collectors both were more than ready to get rid of those old accounts because it costs more to maintain them than to let them go. I offered to pay off the over $1,000 balance still owed to the hospital immediately - for a 50% discount. Done. The older the receivable, the great your bargaining power. It pays to make those small monthly payments - regularly and on time - and maintain good relations with the creditors.
Addicts and alcoholics often use due to a spiritual malady. This can start off with resentment, fear, anger, self pity etc. I lived with an active alcohic/addict and it drove me nuts. I drank to get rid of the resentment and anger I had toward her. However, the angrier I got and the more I drank she never changed. I now realize that it did me no Good what so ever. It wasn't until I learned how to deal with my own spiritual malady that my relationship with her and our lives together could get any better. I had become an alcoholic. When I had to stop I went to AA. I also went to al-anon to help me better deal with her. I'm glad I did. I learned how to accept my life as it is today. I learned how to take the steps needed to rid myself of the anger and resentment, the fear of being in debt and not knowing where to get the money to pay the bills. I learned how to better act with love, tolerance and patience. I understand that sometimes I must do more than my fair share of the work to maintain the household and I've gotten ok with that. I also make sure that I take time for myself and get the rest that I need to do what needs to be done. My wife and I are still married. It has taken a lot of long term effort to get well. It has been well worth it. I have been forced to become a more loving and caring person. It has been the only way for me to have any serenity and peace of mind. Anger and resentment just drive me crazy. Try al-anon. Get the "How it works" book. The al-anon folks should be able to help you with that. It will teach you some things that ought to help. As far as the finances go, call the insurance co. and try to work something out. When we were struggling we made phone calls to ppl we owed money to and most were understanding and willing to work with us. Let them be the ones to say "no". Don't say "no" for them and not even make the call. I wish you all the best. Keep in mind anytime we are disturbed or upset the problem lies within us not the other person. Look for fear, self-pity, self justified anger, self righteousness, hurt pride etc in yourself and understand that these are the things that rob us of our own serenity and peace of mind. Good luck and God Bless!!!!!
You've got every right to feel resentment and anger. The hard part is getting it out in a way that won't harm you or your relationship with your wife any more than it already is. When I feel like about to explode, I kill something. Phone books are a good choice. So is smashing glass in an empty dumpster. Of course, screaming and yelling at the phone book (or glass) while you kill it only makes the experience that much more satisfying.
I really like what CATUF said: "She's not a bad person who needs to become good again, she's a sick person who needs to become well again. " Believe me, I know how difficult it is to try to separate the addict from the addiction. The person you loved and married and had 3 children with is still in there, but her brain is sick. It took her a few years to get to this point and she isn't going to heal overnight - or even in 6 weeks.
You said your wife has detoxed twice before now. Was that done with professional help and did she actually work a recovery program such as NA or AA? Since she started using around the time your second child was born, was there any post-partum depression involved that may have kicked off her addiction? Was the stress of motherhood so great that she may have felt she had to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol to deal with it? It happens. That's why I'm asking. There are many, many stories on this forum from women who became addicted to pain pills after a c-section. They never saw it coming. All they knew was that little pill gave them an "energy boost" so they could get through a busy day. Then it was off to the addiction races.
It occurred to me that detoxing twice and trying to go back to exactly the same life and expecting a different result may be part of the problem. There's a reason she started abusing drugs and alcohol to start with. If those reasons aren't confronted and dealt with, relapse is no big surprise. Everyone thinks that detox is the end of addiction and the person is supposed to be cured. It doesn't work that way. Detox is only the beginning of recovery. It takes dedication and work not only on the part of the addict but the rest of the family too.
Before she comes home, you both need to get your expectations of each other out on the table. Obviously she is expected to maintain her sobriety and probably keep up with outpatient therapy and/or NA meetings. I seriously doubt anyone could do that and jump right in taking care of three young children at the same time. As CATUF mentioned, your wife's brain has a lot of healing to do. Simple things that you and I wouldn't even blink at will seem completely overwhelming and even outright impossible to your wife. For years her way of dealing with that kind of stress and anxiety was through substance abuse. It's going to take time for your wife to learn how to deal with stress and anxiety without those things. She will get better, but don't expect miracles right out of the rehab box.
I really like what CATUF said: "She's not a bad person who needs to become good again, she's a sick person who needs to become well again. " Believe me, I know how difficult it is to try to separate the addict from the addiction. The person you loved and married and had 3 children with is still in there, but her brain is sick. It took her a few years to get to this point and she isn't going to heal overnight - or even in 6 weeks.
You said your wife has detoxed twice before now. Was that done with professional help and did she actually work a recovery program such as NA or AA? Since she started using around the time your second child was born, was there any post-partum depression involved that may have kicked off her addiction? Was the stress of motherhood so great that she may have felt she had to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol to deal with it? It happens. That's why I'm asking. There are many, many stories on this forum from women who became addicted to pain pills after a c-section. They never saw it coming. All they knew was that little pill gave them an "energy boost" so they could get through a busy day. Then it was off to the addiction races.
It occurred to me that detoxing twice and trying to go back to exactly the same life and expecting a different result may be part of the problem. There's a reason she started abusing drugs and alcohol to start with. If those reasons aren't confronted and dealt with, relapse is no big surprise. Everyone thinks that detox is the end of addiction and the person is supposed to be cured. It doesn't work that way. Detox is only the beginning of recovery. It takes dedication and work not only on the part of the addict but the rest of the family too.
Before she comes home, you both need to get your expectations of each other out on the table. Obviously she is expected to maintain her sobriety and probably keep up with outpatient therapy and/or NA meetings. I seriously doubt anyone could do that and jump right in taking care of three young children at the same time. As CATUF mentioned, your wife's brain has a lot of healing to do. Simple things that you and I wouldn't even blink at will seem completely overwhelming and even outright impossible to your wife. For years her way of dealing with that kind of stress and anxiety was through substance abuse. It's going to take time for your wife to learn how to deal with stress and anxiety without those things. She will get better, but don't expect miracles right out of the rehab box.
I don't know about your anger, but I have a few thoughts about staying clean after rehab. First, it ain't easy . . . I know six weeks sounds like a long time, but it really isn't.
Addiction is a disease or condition of the brain and it doesn't get pushed into remission in just 6 weeks. It's about 1/2 the time required for the addicted brain to do an all important reset:
"One important discovery: evidence is building to support the 90-day rehabilitation model, which was stumbled upon by AA (new members are advised to attend a meeting a day for the first 90 days) and is the duration of a typical stint in a drug-treatment program. It turns out that this is just about how long it takes for the brain to reset itself and shake off the immediate influence of a drug. Researchers at Yale University have documented what they call the sleeper effect--a gradual re-engaging of proper decision making and analytical functions in the brain's prefrontal cortex--after an addict has abstained for at least 90 days"
See Time 07/05/07 (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1640436-3,00.html)
I well remember that reset -- it happened to me right at 90 days and it was pretty amazing. I realized one afternoon that the way my brain was working was different, it was just different than the way it had been even the day before . . . and I knew, KNEW that "this is how I need to be in order to stay clean."
Still, when I went home 30 days later it was tough. Stress is a HUGE thing for addicts and it is THE thing most likely to trigger a relapse. The real world is full of stress and it's not a safe place compared to rehab. For me, being home was like waking up in a using dream . . . everything I did and every place I went, reminded me of using or gettinng ready to use. It was scary.
What kept me safe was meetings, LOTS of meetings . . . at least one, EVERY day and drug screens. I was tested like there was no tomorrow for well over a year. The test were administered at randow, without warning, and (for a long time) close enough together that ANY use would be detected.
That testing was CRITICAL to my recovery. Addicts never plan to throw their life in the toilet by "letting it get out of control again." They just want (they think "need") to use a little bit just this once . . . that's all, just a little bit and just this once. Of course, once the use that little bit that one time, they reactivate their addiction and they are already out of control.
With the frequent testing, I could never fall into the big lie that all addicts and alcoholics fall for . . . that it will "be different this time," that they will (somehow) "not let it get out of control." With the testing, I knew that it would all hit the fan if I used at all (even if it was just once), because any use would cause a positive test and I was on a one-strike rule at work and home.
I feel almost certain that but for those frequent drug screens, I would have used during my first year of recovery. I know they made me feel safe because I didn't have to worry about it . . . I didn't have to wrestle with the thoughts that said "It will be OK . . . just this once . . . nobody will know . . .," etc. Every time those thoughts reared their ugly heads I could beat them back with one thought . . . "maybe so, but I'll get busted anyway by the screens."
There's a great example in AA's Big Book about the insanity of alcoholism/addiction:
"Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first [use] as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
"On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
"You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted [active-addiction] for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where [using] has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language-but isn't it true?"
BB page 37-38.
We addicts and alcoholics are just like that jay walker . . . we are doing something that anyone can plainly see is hurting us and ruing our life, we say we're going to stop and we really want to stop (or at least stop ruining our life) but we find ourself back under the bus time after time after time.
More from the Big Book:
"We are equally positive that once he takes any [mood or mind-altering substance] whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any [addict] will abundantly confirm this.
"These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first [pill], thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the [addict] centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an [addict's using] creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an [addict], he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk.
"Once in a while he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first [pill] than you have. Some [addicts] have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count."
BB page 22-23.
I suppose my point here is that it would be unwise to count on your wife to simply learn her lesson and straighten up from now on. She has a serious illness that will ultimately kill her, destroying your family as it does so, if it's not forced into (and kept in) remission. She's not a bad person who needs to become good again, she's a sick person who needs to become well again.
My prayers are with you.
CATUF
2033
Addiction is a disease or condition of the brain and it doesn't get pushed into remission in just 6 weeks. It's about 1/2 the time required for the addicted brain to do an all important reset:
"One important discovery: evidence is building to support the 90-day rehabilitation model, which was stumbled upon by AA (new members are advised to attend a meeting a day for the first 90 days) and is the duration of a typical stint in a drug-treatment program. It turns out that this is just about how long it takes for the brain to reset itself and shake off the immediate influence of a drug. Researchers at Yale University have documented what they call the sleeper effect--a gradual re-engaging of proper decision making and analytical functions in the brain's prefrontal cortex--after an addict has abstained for at least 90 days"
See Time 07/05/07 (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1640436-3,00.html)
I well remember that reset -- it happened to me right at 90 days and it was pretty amazing. I realized one afternoon that the way my brain was working was different, it was just different than the way it had been even the day before . . . and I knew, KNEW that "this is how I need to be in order to stay clean."
Still, when I went home 30 days later it was tough. Stress is a HUGE thing for addicts and it is THE thing most likely to trigger a relapse. The real world is full of stress and it's not a safe place compared to rehab. For me, being home was like waking up in a using dream . . . everything I did and every place I went, reminded me of using or gettinng ready to use. It was scary.
What kept me safe was meetings, LOTS of meetings . . . at least one, EVERY day and drug screens. I was tested like there was no tomorrow for well over a year. The test were administered at randow, without warning, and (for a long time) close enough together that ANY use would be detected.
That testing was CRITICAL to my recovery. Addicts never plan to throw their life in the toilet by "letting it get out of control again." They just want (they think "need") to use a little bit just this once . . . that's all, just a little bit and just this once. Of course, once the use that little bit that one time, they reactivate their addiction and they are already out of control.
With the frequent testing, I could never fall into the big lie that all addicts and alcoholics fall for . . . that it will "be different this time," that they will (somehow) "not let it get out of control." With the testing, I knew that it would all hit the fan if I used at all (even if it was just once), because any use would cause a positive test and I was on a one-strike rule at work and home.
I feel almost certain that but for those frequent drug screens, I would have used during my first year of recovery. I know they made me feel safe because I didn't have to worry about it . . . I didn't have to wrestle with the thoughts that said "It will be OK . . . just this once . . . nobody will know . . .," etc. Every time those thoughts reared their ugly heads I could beat them back with one thought . . . "maybe so, but I'll get busted anyway by the screens."
There's a great example in AA's Big Book about the insanity of alcoholism/addiction:
"Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first [use] as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
"On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jaywalking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
"You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted [active-addiction] for jay-walking, the illustration would fit exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where [using] has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language-but isn't it true?"
BB page 37-38.
We addicts and alcoholics are just like that jay walker . . . we are doing something that anyone can plainly see is hurting us and ruing our life, we say we're going to stop and we really want to stop (or at least stop ruining our life) but we find ourself back under the bus time after time after time.
More from the Big Book:
"We are equally positive that once he takes any [mood or mind-altering substance] whatever into his system, something happens, both in the bodily and mental sense, which makes it virtually impossible for him to stop. The experience of any [addict] will abundantly confirm this.
"These observations would be academic and pointless if our friend never took the first [pill], thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Therefore, the main problem of the [addict] centers in his mind, rather than in his body. If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis. Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an [addict's using] creates. They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache. If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an [addict], he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk.
"Once in a while he may tell the truth. And the truth, strange to say, is usually that he has no more idea why he took that first [pill] than you have. Some [addicts] have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time. But in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. Once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There is the obsession that somehow, someday, they will beat the game. But they often suspect they are down for the count."
BB page 22-23.
I suppose my point here is that it would be unwise to count on your wife to simply learn her lesson and straighten up from now on. She has a serious illness that will ultimately kill her, destroying your family as it does so, if it's not forced into (and kept in) remission. She's not a bad person who needs to become good again, she's a sick person who needs to become well again.
My prayers are with you.
CATUF
2033
Did your insurance okay this before you admitted her? That's the kind of thing that you would normally approach your GP with to get a referal, then with that referal you would get a pre-authorization. Can't believe your insurance would then deny that claim after the fact. $50,000 is a lot to pony up on your own. I think I would be on the phone with the insurance company come Monday morning.
Hi & Welcome,
I understand all of your feelings and I am glad that you came here to talk about it. It would be best that you talk and calm down before having a conversation with your wife about all of this. Approaching her with anger would not be wise.
I couldn't help but notice that you used the term "I" instead of "We" when you referred to the financial responsibility. Are you separated or living together, if you don't mind my asking?
Normally you would have quite a few responses by now from family members who also frequent this community but because of the holiday it is very quiet tonight.
There is a great group of people to be found at Al-Anon. You can find a meeting near you by using the following link:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
There you find find family members like yourself who are living with addicts, either still using or beginning recovery. The group shares their experiences and knowledge about the disease of addiction and how they cope with their loved ones on a daily basis. I think it would benefit you for your anger and resentment.
You can also google the disease of addiction and do some reading about it. It may help you to understand your wife and why she did/does what she does.
I don't fully understand what the difference is between abusing drugs and being addicted is so that is new to me. I find that hard to believe and you may want to further explore that.
I hope that things are okay for you both now and I hope that she will engage in some form of aftercare as well as you.
Feel free to ask any questions but be patient for the answers. I wish you the best.
I understand all of your feelings and I am glad that you came here to talk about it. It would be best that you talk and calm down before having a conversation with your wife about all of this. Approaching her with anger would not be wise.
I couldn't help but notice that you used the term "I" instead of "We" when you referred to the financial responsibility. Are you separated or living together, if you don't mind my asking?
Normally you would have quite a few responses by now from family members who also frequent this community but because of the holiday it is very quiet tonight.
There is a great group of people to be found at Al-Anon. You can find a meeting near you by using the following link:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html
There you find find family members like yourself who are living with addicts, either still using or beginning recovery. The group shares their experiences and knowledge about the disease of addiction and how they cope with their loved ones on a daily basis. I think it would benefit you for your anger and resentment.
You can also google the disease of addiction and do some reading about it. It may help you to understand your wife and why she did/does what she does.
I don't fully understand what the difference is between abusing drugs and being addicted is so that is new to me. I find that hard to believe and you may want to further explore that.
I hope that things are okay for you both now and I hope that she will engage in some form of aftercare as well as you.
Feel free to ask any questions but be patient for the answers. I wish you the best.
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