giving up?

[theformula]

dont give up right? be a man right? toughen up right? well i dont want
to fight! i dont want to live! ive got nothing else to give! broken
down and rusted out! i scream but no one hears me shout! to scared to
end it though! what if what i reap is what ive sowed! theres no
forgiveness here. am i supposed to believe i can find it somewhere!
down some dark and lonely road! places never seen only told! the pills
dont work no more! the doctors closed their doors! am i just left here
to suffer! what doesnt kill you makes you tougher! whoever said that must have died young! and right now im as tough as they come!  

any one ever feel like this besides me??????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TrayCee]

dude we've all been there!  Youre not alone...

[CATUF]

perfect.  you're in a very good place to start a life in sustained recovery.

most people i know who have "made it" first reached a point where they gave up . . .
they said F IT and they gave up COMPLETELY.

absolute and unconditional surrender seems to be what is required.

the only way i could win a fight with addiction was to refuse to fight.  

it happened to me quite by surprise.  i was all ready to grit my teeth and start the "good fight" again, but instead i found that i fell apart.  i started crying . . . deep racking sobs that shook my whole body . . . it was too much, i had fallen too far, everything was ruined, there was no hope, i just couldn't do "it" anymore.

i had no choice.  it truly felt like i would somehow die or just cease to exist if i let go of the ill defined struggle to hold it all together, but i just couldn't do it anymore.  i was too tired on every level . . . physically, mentally, emotionally and spirituality . . . there was nothing left.  there was absolutely nothing left and i didn't care.  i just didn't care anymore.  i was going down the drain and i saw that there was nothing i could do about it.  i just wanted it all to stop.

as i look back on that point now, it seems that i was not falling apart at all.  instead, i was falling together, perhaps for the first time in my life.  i was forced to abandon the illusions that kept me from getting well.

"never give up" had been an attitude that served me well all my life.  but when it came to my fight with addiction, it almost killed me.  with addiction it turns out that "the one who surrenders the most wins."

surrender and ask for help

CATUF
1456





  

[refusingbondage]

CATUF - beautifully said - gave me goosebumps (and I hate goosebumps).  

theformula - you are definitely not alone.  begin to forgive yourself and love yourself.  

[road2recovery]

CATUF--  You can post a thousand times and i probably read them two thousand times....YOU really should be some kind of addiction counsouler!!
IT was one of your post a very long time ago that got my attention...and THEFORMULA I rememer reading after feeling as you feel now...And that is when i stopped fighting...I did exactly what catuf said...I realized the pills were going to win everytime if i didn't just surrender...That is when i felt like I could do this...I also knew i needed help, and reached out here...Then i found an addiction counsouler...Aftercare is a must for me..
PLEASE hang in there.....
r2r

[worried878]

that was a great post catuf!  makes u think..i remember when it dawned on me that i was heading nowhere fast..and it became easy to let go..cos it wasnt fun anymore to use..my personality was changing..i was isolating, i was depressed and the more i took the more down i got..no more happy highs...they were gone and i was still gobbling pills trying to recapture a feeling that i would never have again..i guess everyone has a different trigger to quit...but holding onto ME..cos i felt ME slipping away had a big part in my decision..plus i was flat broke!

[C8H10N4O2]

CATUF - Well said.  I like the thought of not falling apart but falling together.

theformula - For me, I hit a wall...  I figured out I couldn't be everything to everyone all the time. I sat down, broke down and told my wife the whole thing.  She knew about most of it because she has been dealing with it the entire time with me.  The meds became a crutch regardless of the pain.  If I hurt, I took them.  If I didn't hurt, I took them.  I literally broke down and told her everything.  It felt like the biggest weight off my chest.

Hang in there.  We'll all get this done together.

Matt

[HelpinUtah]

WOW!  I have to say that I agree - most of us hit rock bottom before we pull ourselves up!  You CAN do this and it's worth it!  You WILL find forgiveness even if you have to start with forgiving yourself (which I know is difficult)!  You have a HUGE support system here!  Use it! I know hitting rock bottom always creates healthy, fabulous change in us to our souls!  

Please keep coming and posting!  

Hugs and Prayers,
Janet

[ginsa]

Your post really spoke to me. I just finally got out of bed at around 1:00pm. I wanted to just stay there and die. I am so depressed that I can't conceive of a life where feeling any pleasure is ever going to be possible again. I didn't want to post about it, but when I read yours it made me " feel not so alone". I know that if I take any Hydro it's going to just prolong the agony. It wasn't a solution to the misery life became before I quit, and I know that it will not fix anything if I use it again. I read the post by CATUF and I hope with what is left of my heart that I will also be able to look back and see that I turned a corner onto the right road after I crash.

I have been trying so hard to hold myself together. I guess I have to say that I had a relapse because I drank some beer Sunday. But it didn't do a thing for me except remind me that drugs are not a solution. I think there's no easy way out of this. I didn't loose everything I had because of USING, but everything I own is a burden and I just want it all to go away. My home is in foreclosure and I am going to have to move again, I have no job, no skills, no reliable income, poor health, my credit has been ruined and I have no motivation to help myself.  I am just soooo tired of trying to keep it together that I can't take it anymore. I pray to die because I don't even want to face another day feeling like this.

I have nobody close to me who has a clue what I am going through. I told a couple of my friends that I had to go to detox, but that is just head knowledge for them...know what I mean?  I am a deeply religious person and I have a great support system in my Congregation for practical matters and spiritual support, but they can't help me cope with the war raging inside me. If it were not for the support I get here in this forum, I would feel utterly alone. This is where I come to get help because I come closest to feeling safe opening up here. It's not the anonymity that gives me that sense of security, it's knowing that nobody here is judging me or uncomfortable knowing about my struggle.

It seems like you feel that too. If not you wouldn't have opened up and poured your heart out about your feelings. I'm glad that you did. It has helped me, both in knowing I'm not alone, but also the encouragement others gave you. Thanks for sharing. It was just what I needed " just for today".

[Kevin_Bacon]

Very intense, very personal, and very this-is-how-it-is posting here. The depression, at first masked by these drugs, resurfaces with a bang when you lose control of the amount you're taking. Then there's the panic, the guilt, the hazy plans to stop, the inability to enjoy anything, even the drug you thought was helping you ...

This is what I have to look forward to over the next three weeks, and I can't hide out -- the emotional volatility and the extreme physical discomfort, the who-cares-if-I-wake-up-this-time agony, the bitter and isolated guy who always had the zingy retorts, the nice guy, the reliable worker -- all a sham, all because I hit the oxy in the first five minutes of waking and going to a pointless job, and hit the oxy before lunch, and "rewarded" myself for getting through another day, still chasing that euphoria that disappeared months ago ... and never getting there.

So, I'll try to keep posting when I drastically reduce my intake ... I remember the last time -- couldn't sit at the computer, let alone get out of bed, honestly believing I'd pushed my mind too far for it to ever re-set (That's terror, period.)

So, yeah, formula, I get it.

[Kaltrogdor]

Yeah man i know where you are, everyday i wake up if i dont have cash in my pocket and a ride or the lori's there in front of me the sweats start, the panic, the self loathing, the feeling of being a failure and deep down inside knowing thats its my fault. Wantiing to die is always there, messed up or not. my wife (who i'm pretty sure hates me) and my kids (the only ones that dont) are the only things that stop me from smiling that bloody ear to ear smile . Hang in there man, like that cat on the poster. I'm right there with you in the room of eternal darkness. but remember, the dark only stopes sight, I can still hear you.

[theformula]

thanx everyone, i was 77 days and i effd up. dont want to get into it but thanx.

[outotown]

I think that was the best reply i have ever heard described me to a tee. Thank you I only wish I had thought uo what you said LOL You did good thank you