Am I depressed?

[rmb52]

The topic title makes it seem really strange, how could somebody now know they are depressed.  I started feeling different about a year ago when I first started college.  I just attributed it to being homesick or something, but my symptoms seem to come and go.  I'll go a couple weeks being pretty happy to having seemingly endless days where I feel no joy in anything and my grades are slipping, I went from being a straight A student in high school and did pretty well my first semester in college but then I started to basically stop caring.  
I cannot fall asleep at night without taking a benadryl unless I want to toss and turn in my bed for two hours.
I often feel nauseas and tend to get headaches as well.  I just get the feeling that I am trying to feel sorry for myself and want attention, but at the same time I try very hard to convey a completely different person to other people who appears happy and normal but I am not sure how long I can keep it up.
It may also be worth noting that before coming to college I had a very good health record only having been to the hospital once for a broken arm but in the past year I have gone to the emergency room twice for what they said were stress related symptoms, both of which resulted in difficulty moving and talking.
I am not sure exactly what constitutes a thought of suicide but when I am laying in bed I think to myself that I would not mind waking up the next day.  Though I know I would never actually do it.
The last month has been especially rough, I basically just do not enjoy anything anymore.

This is such a convoluted piece of writing, I never talk about these things to people cause I don't want to worry others but I am beginning to worry myself.  I don't really know what to do, I cannot afford to see a doctor nor would I want to as I think it would just cause undue alarm in my family.

[mammo]

You say you don't want to cause undue alarm to your family, but they would truly want to know.  I'm sure your family have seen a change in not only your grades...but you. Your parents love you and would want to do anything possible to help you, so go to them so that you can get help.  I lost a son and trust me, if something ever happened to you because "they didn't know" it would devestate them.  I know at 19 you're an adult, but this is a time when you need your family. They will and need to be your support system so that you don't feel alone.  As parents we can handle the anything with our kids even grown ones, so please give them a chance.  You have a life to live, take that first step to getting your life back.  Take care......

[Hensley258]

Your post and description were just fine.

The answer is yes my friend, your symptoms really do sound like your having some type of depressive dissorder.

I wish I could tell you that it will just go away on it's own, but that is almost never the case. I know how hard it is for you because it's like living in an altered world full of fear and hopelesness.

I know you don't want to go see a professional for help, but on the other hand you can't continue like this either. Life is too short to feel like garbage all the time.

I was about your age when I first got my symptoms of depression (they were very much like yours) and like you I waited and fought it in my mind just praying it would go away. Unfortunatly it never did.

Best thing I ever did was to go see a Psychiatrist and get evaluated. I was put on med therapy and in 6 weeks I felt my old self again. I was upset at myself for not having done it sooner.

Don't give in to those thoughts of suicide. They are lies that the depression is telling you and suicide is nothing but a permenent solution to a temporary problem. The temporary problem being your Major depression.

Also, do yourself a huge favor.....Not a doctor as in MD (They treat the body) go see a good Psychiatrist. They are doctors that specialize in mental health and can write prescriptions also.

Regarding money..... You me and the rest of America I'm afrade, but this is too important an issue not to find the money. Beg, borrow, do whatever you need to do to raise the money to get evaluated and get treatment. This is your whole life were talking about, not saving for a new PC hard drive here. The cause is too important. You must find the money.