Fear of turning gay (HOCD? or didn't know my whole life)

[Drum2012]

To start off I'm a 19 year old heterosexual male.  

Starting a month ago I suddenly had this fear of turning gay or that I am gay and just never did truly know. (nothing against gays I just don't want to be)  Ever since I can remember I have always been attracted to women.  I always saw myself getting married and having many kids.  I've also had a couple girl friends and enjoyed myself.  But with all this fear, anxiety, and stress. I start to question myself "Did I really find them sexually attractive or was this all false?" I think the root of the problem was when I saw this post on facebook saying "I smoked weed once now i'm gay". ( I have smoked pot but never really enjoyed it. I HATED IT! It gave me anxiety.  When I first saw this it didn't bother me but one night I was watching some youtube videos and I saw this guy who I thought looked good. It crossed my mind what if I could be gay?  It didn't bother me at first but the next day it was killing me.  I kept thinking about it over and over again. After a little while it some how went away for like a week. (That is why I think it is some kind of OCD) Didn't even bother me.  It was still in the back of my mind but didn't bother me.  When I went back to college it began to bother me like crazy.  I couldn't think straight and it felt like my attraction to women was depleting.  I started to check myself to see if I thought girls I passed by were attractive. Same with men to see if I found them attractive.  

To add I just don't see myself with another man. I JUST CAN'T!! Nor do i intend to watch gay porn.  I've always found it repulsive. (I'm not trying to offend any one who is gay)  But for some reason this feeling has made me believe I'm something I know truly I am not.  

For one week It bothered me like crazy I couldn't stop looking at other men with out having this gay thoughts "do I see myself with him? Am I gay by thinking all this?"  While checking to see if I thought a man was attractive or not I would check to see if I would get groinal responses.  I would but it would be like as if I get an erection.  From what I have read it's just the fear.  But what is also not helping my situation is the fact that I have tried my own semen and I have stuck my finger up my anus for curiosity sake.  I haven't found it really enjoyable but THIS SCARES ME THE MOST!! and when I think about it bothers me even more.  

I just don't want to be gay because I've always been straight or at least really was convinced I was!!! I just can't believe I was living a lie. That would kill me.  
I just want to know if it's HOCD? Denial?
And how to treat it if it's HOCD?

SORRY this is sooooo long

[Redskinsfan4life]

Hi I am 18 years old and a senior in high school.  Over the last two years, I have been experiencing intrusive gay thoughts.  This is driving me crazy because I have liked girls my whole life.  The more I think these thoughts, the more real they feel.  I have tried to tell myself this is just HOCD, but that is not working.  What makes it worse is that over the last month, I have started to feel arousal from these thoughts.  It has gotton so bad, that I feel like I cant turn on the tv or watch some of my favorite movies because I am afraid I will find a guy attractive or get aroused.  This is just really hard because I know I like girls and have never been attracted to guys.  Bottom line is do you guys think this is HOCD OR DENIAL. If anyone responds it will be appreciated because I am starting to lose my mind.

[Dr_GRM]

I used to feel the same way and always thought that to be gay would mean being out there looking for men to pick up 24/7. I would prohibit myself from any triggers that may stimulate the thoughts. I found myself being in a very lonely predicament. I had girlfriends but there was always that skepticism in my head, due to the fact that I found most girls to have bisexual tendencies and found that it was not proper for a man to play with another man. So even with girls, I found myself thinking about what it would be like to have a boy friend. It's crazy but it takes discipline in this world we are living in. The triggers are out there, we men just have to be strong and learn to turn the other cheek. Keep fighting it. You will win dude.

[jon_snow97]

you aren't gay dude trust me. I know that no matter what anyone tells you, the anxiety will only temporarily fade away, that is why you MUST see a psychiatrist that specialises in OCD and behavioural therapy. make sure they specialise in ocd otherwise they may just think you are in denial even though you are definitely not gay. If you were gay, why would you even care that the girl you were seeing ended things with you? Depression and stress can cause this type of thing as well, I was depressed a few years ago due to a failed romance. I believe this is what triggered it. It also seems that you have ocd since you were young. Did you have other compulsions, such as lining things up with with your eyes, not stepping on cracks or touching something a certain number of times? There are multiple other compulsions but those are the most prominent.

[Lcj044]

Hey everyone I'm going through this pain in the arse **** as well, when I was younger I had to blink at people once or three times but never two times because I believed that they would die ( that was when I was 13 and picked up that stupid superstition after watching a movie where the main character blinked twice at another person who died in that movie, that' sorta of went away after a while then realise how stupid it was )  . I remember being depressed , the girl I was seeing  interest in me at the same time my dad was in hospital for cancer ( still is and dying from it ) the person who was next to him was a man who was married with 4 kids but realised he was gay, when I first met him I thought he was ******* weird . Anyway here's why triggerd me,, i was watching the rugby and mum had said the person next to my dad in the hospital room was married but realised he was gay , it didnt bother me , went to bed with too much energy ( I need to exercise or I can't sleep)  that night watching predator and excited about waking up at 5 am to workout but then that thought entered my head out of nowhere the. I had a massive adrenaline rush through my body from bottom to top followed by a two hour pannic attack , it's been 6 weeks since then and it feels like my mind keeps playing tricks on me , I've always liked women and sports and never ever thought about men  in that way and it still scares me, about 4 weeks after the pannic attack something nice happen I worked my self up with another pannic attack than I fell into a deep sleep and woke up the next day feeling like my old self but than a girl I was seeing ( met 2 days after the pannic attack) said she didn't want to see me anymore which made me pissed off/ upset and seemed to set me back into the old thinking cycle , felt like a kick in the guts when I was getting back on one foot and the other one was about to follow ,after watching a horror movie during this time I felt like I was gonna be possed and I woke up in the middle of the night punching in the air cause I thought someone was sitting on top of me and screamed get of me ( never done that before ), I'm too scared to hang out with my mates cause i feel like I might do something silly , I had a mate who has always been a bit fruity and sent strange sexual texts not only to me but everyone anyway i think he might be gay or bi ( which i sorta knew before but didnt bother me anyway me and ny mates went out one night i hadnt start drinking yet and that bloke smacked me on the arse i turned around and king hit him in the face ) i got drunk and the intrusive thoughts were gone or atleast at minmal which didnt bother me  i chased girls that night ( drunken words bring out sober thought) also I did natural bodybuilding but have lost 10kgs because I've felt do mentally fatigued and too tired to eat or train which pisses me off when u spend so long building up your body . Anyway can anyone please help I feel like a prisoner in my own mind which I know will go away but it feels like hell atm

[jon_snow97]

i guess you're right :) thank you and goodluck to you as well

[Donovan1]

You have very similar symptoms to my own, you really don't need to worry , nobody here would ever dream you were gay or bi because we've all felt the same ad you. To be honest, I don't think you truly believe you are either, it's an irrational fear buddy. Try to find a medical professional who specializes or is knowledgable in OCD, nobody wants to see anyone else suffer from this . Best of luck to you my friend!!