Fear of turning gay (HOCD? or didn't know my whole life)

[Drum2012]

To start off I'm a 19 year old heterosexual male.  

Starting a month ago I suddenly had this fear of turning gay or that I am gay and just never did truly know. (nothing against gays I just don't want to be)  Ever since I can remember I have always been attracted to women.  I always saw myself getting married and having many kids.  I've also had a couple girl friends and enjoyed myself.  But with all this fear, anxiety, and stress. I start to question myself "Did I really find them sexually attractive or was this all false?" I think the root of the problem was when I saw this post on facebook saying "I smoked weed once now i'm gay". ( I have smoked pot but never really enjoyed it. I HATED IT! It gave me anxiety.  When I first saw this it didn't bother me but one night I was watching some youtube videos and I saw this guy who I thought looked good. It crossed my mind what if I could be gay?  It didn't bother me at first but the next day it was killing me.  I kept thinking about it over and over again. After a little while it some how went away for like a week. (That is why I think it is some kind of OCD) Didn't even bother me.  It was still in the back of my mind but didn't bother me.  When I went back to college it began to bother me like crazy.  I couldn't think straight and it felt like my attraction to women was depleting.  I started to check myself to see if I thought girls I passed by were attractive. Same with men to see if I found them attractive.  

To add I just don't see myself with another man. I JUST CAN'T!! Nor do i intend to watch gay porn.  I've always found it repulsive. (I'm not trying to offend any one who is gay)  But for some reason this feeling has made me believe I'm something I know truly I am not.  

For one week It bothered me like crazy I couldn't stop looking at other men with out having this gay thoughts "do I see myself with him? Am I gay by thinking all this?"  While checking to see if I thought a man was attractive or not I would check to see if I would get groinal responses.  I would but it would be like as if I get an erection.  From what I have read it's just the fear.  But what is also not helping my situation is the fact that I have tried my own semen and I have stuck my finger up my anus for curiosity sake.  I haven't found it really enjoyable but THIS SCARES ME THE MOST!! and when I think about it bothers me even more.  

I just don't want to be gay because I've always been straight or at least really was convinced I was!!! I just can't believe I was living a lie. That would kill me.  
I just want to know if it's HOCD? Denial?
And how to treat it if it's HOCD?

SORRY this is sooooo long

[jon_snow97]

I havent seen your post but ill be sure to check it out. Another thing that worries me (sorry for smothering you with all these questions) is that even when I am not spiking i have a really lowered sexual attraction to women, its a little lowered when I spike, sure but still it worries me. Also, now when I see an obviously attractive guy i usually dont get that anxious feeling anymore. i thought it could be that i just got into a habit of "checking" and i got used to it but now that I'm trying to stop it feels like im naturally trying to check them out... and when a guy like goes past on my news feed I find my eyes kind of linger, without my control. I dont THINK i can see myself with a man in a relationship but i cant be sure as my mind is so muddled up. Please tell me, from what I have posted do you think I am gay, bi or struggling with HOCD. Once again thank you so much for your help. You're honestly the next best thing to a therapist :)

[JGF25]

No one can say for sure.  You need to get past this irrational thought first before you will feel normal again.  I know it is hard to hear that you need to stop thinking about it but that is exactly what you need to do.  If you do think about it you need to self-coach and say "whatever" and then move on to something that will occupy your mind.  Don't let it take off.  Stop the thought the second it pops into your head because then it leads to you checking things out which is what you absolutely do not want to do.  Did you read my post "The Anatomy of a HOrrific Thought in Pure-O?"  If not, I will bump it back to the top of the forum.  You will see how your checking and testing is actually keeping you stuck in the OCD loop.  

[jon_snow97]

also i have another question, usually, how long is the attraction to girls gone? From what you have heard from others and so on? Will it only come back when I am over all this? I think i get attraction to them when I am not thinking about the ocd but when i am thinking about ocd and i check out a girl it feels like I am forcing it and i lose attraction to the opposite sex. This is all so confusing, sometimes I'm sure that it's just the HOCD and that I m straight and other times I think that the fact I think i have hocd is because subconsciously I'm in denial. Thanks again for your help :)

[jon_snow97]

Thank you so much for the quick response. this made me feel alot better. although i know I will spike again haha, that, i guess, is inevitable. Anyway, I appreciate your help :) thank you very much

[JGF25]

There is nothing wrong with being gay but you can't just wake up one day and become gay.  You have a lot of things going on in your short life that are stressing you out.  I told my sons don't worry about the girls that you like that don't like you because there are going to be girls that like you that you don't like.  It works both ways.  High school is such a hard time in life.  Neither of my boys had or have girlfriends in high school...doesn't make them gay.  In fact I know they are not but if they were I wouldn't care because being gay isn't something under someone's control.  It is a fact or it is not.  What you don't want to do is get into the habit of testing.  Every test you do keeps you in the OCD loop.  What you really want to do is let these thoughts wash over you and say "whatever."  If you continue to ponder them, they will stay like a bad dream.  

As far as how you dress....ever heard of the work metrosexual?  Here is the definition

a young, urban, heterosexual male with liberal political views, an interest in fashion, and a refined sense of taste.

do you see the word "heterosexual male" in the definition.  Yes...non-gay male.   Just because you like to look good and have nice clothes that doesn't mean you are gay.  

Work on your self-esteem.  Remember there is someone for everyone and adopt the "whatever" attitude.  AND stop testing.  No more porn to see how you feel.  Anal masturbation....yes that does make some people have stronger orgasms.  All very natural.  The fact that you have no desire to be in a relationship with a guy, have sex with a guy, means that you could not possibly be gay.  

[jon_snow97]

im a 15 year old male and im suffereing from the same stuff as well. I always loved girls, and i was addicted to porn. back in year 7 I had this massive crush on this girl, like i mean obbsessed. i had a crush on her since like year 3. She liked me for a bit until i got too... i dunno, creepy i guess. Anyway she started ignoring me and i kept on trying until i asked her out and she straight out rejected me. When she rejected me i think that just screwed up my self confidence. which i think was the reason i've always been really awkward around girls, i can't keep a conversation going, i would say stupid things and i would pretty much sweat it if i had to keep a conversation going. Also I've always been really obbsessive when i like a girl for some reason. Then suddenly one day i literally woke up and realised i didnt have any attraction for girls anymore. This scared me so much and i had all the common symptoms for HOCD like checking at guys to see if it turned you on and it never did but i always got a sick feeling in my stomach and a tingling in my penis and i felt like i was getting an erection. i never did though.

When that first spike was over I felt okay. I was reading up on HOCD and realised that must be what I have. But now when I think of guys i dont get a tingle it just feels like im about to get a normal erection. I was worried by this and got multiple other spikes. I have also tried anal masturbation (sorry for details) and i hated it with bigger things but with smaller things the orgasm was better than normal. This scared me because i thought that meant i was gay. I get turned on by thing about things up there but dont want to do it with a guy. The sexual attraction towards girls has kind of returned but now when i see and obviously attractive male i kind of second glance as though i was checking them out and then i stop because I dont want to be attracted to males. I dont think i am though i think its the anxiety as I feel sick in my stomach when i think about it.

Like Drum i believe the HOCD changed to bi-OCD. Also, like Drum, I feel as though my mind has just given in to the idea, which i do not want at all.

I think the trigger for all this was probably the anal masturbation, the fact that i could never talk to girls, my family always kinda made jokes that i was gay and that I like looking good and stuff and having nice clothes